Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has ruined our perfect life....

155 replies

Alwaysconfusedmum · 03/06/2017 17:53

Yesterday I found out that my husband of 20 years had cheated on me while on a cruise holiday with his brother. We have been together since I was 18, have two children together 15 and 9. I am an independent, intelligent and attractive woman. I spend most of my non-working hours to household duties, cooking, cleaning, he helps with cleaning and grocery shopping. We live in the nicest house and go on holiday 3 times a year.....in short, we had everything!
I love him and trusted him to go on holidays with his brother, he returned around 2 weeks ago, since his return we had sex several times, he acted completely normal.
Yesterday I accidentally opened his FB that's where I saw this flirty msg popping in so I started talking to her as him...that's when I came to know they've kissed several times and slept once. She is in her mid-fifties and XXL in size. When confronted, he apologized but I went out of control screaming and slapping him and self-harming myself, I had a nervous breakdown. Unfortunately, our daughter witnessed it all and now know what her dad had done.
I want to kick him out of our house as the house is in my name but he is begging for a forgiveness when asked the reason he said it was a poor judgment .....My knees are shaking, I am not sure what I want but then when I look at my kids, they love their father and he loves them and he says he loves me too.......it feels he has slit my throat, the pain is unbearable, I haven't slept for more than 24 hours .....what should I do?

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 04/06/2017 08:57

He may not want to work through it.

Yes he broke his wedding vows but she physical abused him, then self harmed and all in front of the children.

Excusing the DV because it was against a man is dispicable.

HildaOg · 04/06/2017 10:59

Rainbows; I agree. I missed that part where she hit him when I first read it.

Bamboogie86 · 04/06/2017 11:32

I think you need to seek professional help. This has given you a huge shock and it's horrible.

I would say leave him....it will be hard but you should never stay with someone who can do this and disrespect your relationship so much. What is he actually saying? Is he grovelling?

Iris65 · 04/06/2017 13:42

Nor should he stay with her. Abuse is never acceptable.

eternalnamechange · 04/06/2017 14:06

I wonder if this is the first time OP has self harmed during her marriage.

Guavaf1sh · 04/06/2017 14:29

I agree with all the posters saying the real issue is the OPs reaction and that she needs professional help to deal with this. The other issue can wait

wannabestressfree · 04/06/2017 14:33

Last with all due respect I am much physically stronger than my partner and could do him some real damage- he couldn't do damage to a butterfly. What you proclaim to be 'true' is sexist bollocks.

FritzDonovan · 04/06/2017 14:38

Leda don't be an idiot. I said I didn't condone violence, so where you got that stupid comment from I have no idea.

LedaP · 04/06/2017 15:48

A slap from your average male has more force behind it than a slap from your average female, and hence likely to do more damage.
Not condoning violence, obv, but do think it's understandable as a knee jerk reaction to a cheating shit who doesn't appear remorseful in the slightest.

I am not an idiot. Do you really need to resort to name calling?

Above are from your posts. If force has nothing to do with it why mention it?

You said you dont condone violenve but then say its understandable. DV is DV. The dd here has seen her mum hit her dad then hurt herself. She wont ever forget that. Its abusive to put kids in this situation.

But you think its understandable. Because he cheated. Its not ok. If she cheated and he hit her would it be understandable? Would you say ots ok because he didnt hit her really hard and he was in shock at what he had done?

PersianCatLady · 04/06/2017 16:26

This is exactly who we should keep on posts, to try and help - especially if others are at risk
How come everyone is so convinced that this was a genuine post in the first place??

Not being funny but the OP disappeared even before the thread went sideways.

Does anybody recognise the username from any previous posts??

Garlicansapphire · 04/06/2017 17:06

Hi OP - I hope you're okay. I see you've not been back. you deserve support and help now.

I'm not here to judge you at all. I'm divorced, been through betrayal and know how insane it can make you feel. I've had counselling and I have a few reflections:

  • Discovering what he's done is utterly heartbreaking. Your H's reaction was insufficient and cold 'poor judgement' - really? I suspect the way he minimised and failed to recognise your hurt was partly, if not solely, to blame for your response. Did he say sorry? Did he understand how deeply hurtful his betrayal was? No. So I suspect it magnified your reaction, which as you said got out of control. How awful for you. There is not a right way to respond.... You've never been through it before and no one who hasn't can know how they would respond.
But you now need to find a way to get some control. He needs to recognise the depth of the hurt he's caused, and you need to find out more, set out terms, expect respect. So get in touch with the cold, hard anger in you. That will help. Get as much help and support as you can from friends or family. You are on a journey now to find what you want. What you want. And that needs to start with not being fobbed off. He needs to be really, truly sorry and recognise the risk he has taken to your relationship, and to want to seek your forgiveness. He also needs to cut off all contact with cruise lady - right away,
  • Men have affairs because they can (women too). It doesn't mean that the relationship was deeply flawed and at risk. Though it can be because of that. But many people who have affairs separate themselves off into a bubble, they choose to distance themselves from the love or regard they have for their partner, for their family and the risks they are taking, because they want the fun and excitement of the moment and feeling desired. Its only when the bubble bursts they realise what they've done or the impact it has had.
  • not eating is perfectly normal when you've been through such a shock. (I'm sure many people have seen the impact of divorce on many women - I lost 3 stone as a result...) But you need to make sure you do eat and be kind to yourself.
So please don't feel judged. Take control of the anger so you can do whats best for you. Look after yourself. Look after yourself and be careful not to use them to hurt him. They deserve love and protection. Good luck. xxxx
Redhead17 · 04/06/2017 18:12

Where's the statistics/ proof about male has more force than female, violence us violence at the end of the day, you cannot compare the 2, DV is DV it makes no difference who is hitting it's simply insulting to those who have survived and been brave enough to escape.

As says above I'm much stronger than my DP too so this is utter shite.

Whilst I understand OP frustration, anger etc her behaviour was not ok, I can understand why you might lash out but the self harming is just a huge red flag, I think you're going to need support from friends, family and professionals.

Nancy91 · 04/06/2017 18:31

Men and women don't fight the opposite sex in boxing or MMA etc because men are, in general, stronger than women. It doesn't make DV right, but I think it's silly to pretend it isn't true.

IonaNE · 04/06/2017 18:38

Get help for yourself, OP. Your reaction was way off kilter.

WarriorsDance · 04/06/2017 19:26

It's not always about being 'bigger and stronger'.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-glasgow-west-12335201

JoshLymanJr · 04/06/2017 20:19

A man belting a woman is somewhat different from a woman hitting a man. For instance, DEATH can occur in the first instance....a black eye at worst from the latter!!

Glad some other posters have called this out for the utter bullshit it is.

PoorYorick · 04/06/2017 20:21

I don't think anyone's pretended that men aren't generally stronger than women, they've just said that it's irrelevant in this context, which it is.

Graceflorrick · 04/06/2017 20:24

A PP said this; 'I think you need professional help. That is not a normal reaction and you disturbed your daughter immensely by allowing her to see you act like that'

I absolutely agree with this OP. This indicates extreme emotional disregulation. You need to take time to compose yourself and decide on the best course of action. No repeats of this as it is traumatic for DC to witness you behaving this way.

FritzDonovan · 04/06/2017 21:53

But you think its understandable. Because he cheated. Its not ok.
As with your last comment Leda I have no idea why you are telling me what I think. Yes, read back my post by all means. I said it was understandable why she lashed out - many ppl do under difficult circumstances. Ever heard of 'crimes of passion'? AT NO POINT did I state it was okay.
I hope this is a case of you mistakenly reading something into a post which wasn't there, rather than deliberately being argumentative and hostile on purpose.

LedaP · 05/06/2017 06:36

I am not being hostile. You complain i am telling you what you think. Then tell me my tone.

A crime of passion is still a crime. Often 'crimes of passion' are not that at all and there is background of abuse, particularly emotional abuse.

Hitting your partner and your child witnessing this is still abuse. To both the partner and the child.

Again would it be 'understandable' if a man hit his wife in similar circumstances? As long as it wasnt too hard? And what's too hard?

cherrychop · 05/06/2017 06:57

First things first make sure your dd is ok. Just imagine how shook up she must be feeling seeing her 'perfect' parents acting in such a way to each other. She must be just as devastated as you are. Secondly I'm sorry but although you don't see XxL women as attractive but many men do so its best not to say that she was unattractive and XXL as it makes you look a bit cruel. Thirdly like other posters have mentioned there must have been something wrong in your relationship for him to risk it all in such a stupid way. Anyway all the best for you and you dc.

FritzDonovan · 05/06/2017 08:36

Again would it be 'understandable' if a man hit his wife in similar circumstances? As long as it wasnt too hard? And what's too hard?
Not sure what you don't understand about my post.
I said I understand that ppl lash out in this way under stressful circumstances, but I didn't condone violence.
You replied:
fritz so a slap is ok as long as its not hard enough to leave a mark or damage?

If a man slaps he wife but controls it enough she doesnt bruise, its ok?

I had already stated I didn't condone violence, so I really don't know how you extrapolated this. When I said it was a stupid comment, you then went on to tell me that I basically thought violence was ok. Where are you getting that from?? At no point did I say that! I am saying that I have an understanding that ppl react badly in times of extreme stress and you are TELLING ME THAT I THINK that violence is ok as long as it's a woman hitting a man and not leaving a mark!?!

thedancingbear · 05/06/2017 08:42

'I found out my missus had cheated on me, so I went bezerk, knocking seven shades of shit out of her'

FritzDonovan · 05/06/2017 08:42

Just to make it clear Leda, I do not condone violence in any circumstances. It is not ok. But I do understand how circumstances may cause someone to react in this way.
Is that clear enough for you? Kindly refrain from telling me what I think, when you obviously didn't understand my post.

Swipe left for the next trending thread