He has ruined our perfect life....

[Alwaysconfusedmum]

Yesterday I found out that my husband of 20 years had cheated on me while on a cruise holiday with his brother. We have been together since I was 18, have two children together 15 and 9. I am an independent, intelligent and attractive woman. I spend most of my non-working hours to household duties, cooking, cleaning, he helps with cleaning and grocery shopping. We live in the nicest house and go on holiday 3 times a year.....in short, we had everything!
I love him and trusted him to go on holidays with his brother, he returned around 2 weeks ago, since his return we had sex several times, he acted completely normal.
Yesterday I accidentally opened his FB that's where I saw this flirty msg popping in so I started talking to her as him...that's when I came to know they've kissed several times and slept once. She is in her mid-fifties and XXL in size. When confronted, he apologized but I went out of control screaming and slapping him and self-harming myself, I had a nervous breakdown. Unfortunately, our daughter witnessed it all and now know what her dad had done.
I want to kick him out of our house as the house is in my name but he is begging for a forgiveness when asked the reason he said it was a poor judgment .....My knees are shaking, I am not sure what I want but then when I look at my kids, they love their father and he loves them and he says he loves me too.......it feels he has slit my throat, the pain is unbearable, I haven't slept for more than 24 hours .....what should I do?

Firstly - no reaction is the wrong reaction - so anyone who tells you, you were OTT - has not got a clue!

Well, that's just not true!

Is it just me or does anybody think that it is a bit weird that the OP isn't really participating in her own thread??

I'm a bit but it's still here!

That is not a normal reaction and you disturbed your daughter immensely by allowing her to see you act like that.

I'd say it's a VERY normal reaction to finding out your partner of 20 years has smashed your life apart.

It's a shame her dd heard, but it's not the OPs fault. She was only reacting to what her 'D'H did. He is at fault for all of it.

And I understand why the OP mentioned the OW is plus size. It is a relevant factor in the shock of it all. Usually women in middle age go to effort to stay slim and attractive for themselves and their partners. To find out he threw it all away for someone who doesn't go to that effort must be extra galling and mystifying. (And I'm currently a size 20 before anyone whinges at me!)

Firstly - no reaction is the wrong reaction - so anyone who tells you, you were OTT - has not got a clue

What not even self harming in front of her daughter?

Walter - absolutely!

How is your DD now op? Yes you're all over the place but you have to put that aside, take a deep breath and show your DD that although this has happened and you freaked out, you are fundamentally ok and what she witnessed won't happen again.

Tell him to move out. Take one day at a time and see how you feel in a few weeks. You may end up staying together, you may not, but you won't really know what you want until you give it time.

DV, from either sex, is never ok. And it is a traumatising thing for a child to witness. I think you both need to put your relationship problems aside for now, enough to concentrate on making sure your DD knows that whatever happens, you are both still her parents, and together or apart, it will be ok.

I know you are hurting but can I just say you should not have assaulted him. Yes he has hurt you and you now have two options forgive him or make him leave.
If I ever cheated on my husband no matter the circumstances I would not expect any physical punishment. I would expect to lose my home.
Please seek help for yourself and your daughter asap.

Lots of people bail out of their threads - particularly in the frustrating situation when people start fixating on any detail where the OP proved herself not to be a Perfect Woman. You want people to share your shock at what happened to you and you hope for some solidarity and sympathy. Instead people are scolding her for breaking her heart in front of her daughter and for mentioning the OWs weight... I'd fuck off and leave us all to it too. (In fact before I have!)

No, people are 'scolding' her for self harming and attacking her H in front of their child

Wait, what?

I can even accept slapping him but self harming in front of your kids is NOT a normal reaction.

I also think that this perfect life is a bit of a myth. I don't think a healthy person (in a healthy marriage or not) would self harm in front of their partner as part of an argument, never mind in front of children.

Maybe you thought your life was perfect, but you were focusing on the superficial things. If he's still in touch with this woman, maybe he liked her on a beyond-just-physical basis. Maybe you both want different things out of life. You need to take some time to get your head around this, then discuss it calmly in a few days.

And probably counselling for your DD.

He is at fault for all of it.

Hmm actually to put it in a law prospective the op broke the law and if he pressed charges she could be arrested.
Where as he did not although morally of course his actions were horrid but the op was at fault for assaulting him.

Lots of people bail out of their threads - particularly in the frustrating situation when people start fixating on any detail where the OP proved herself not to be a Perfect Woman.

Come on. She commuted domestic violence and self harmed in front of her daughter. Making sure the daughter is ok has to be the priority here. If the ex had done that everyone would be (rightly) castigating him and telling the op not to let her children near him until he sorted himself out.

Ask him to leave. You need space to get some help for you and your children and to think. You don't have to forgive him right now or ever if you don't want to. But please get him out of there while you sort yourselves out and think about what you want from here forward.

I can totally understand why you reacted in that way & nobody can judge you for that because they're not in that situation. Nobody can say what is normal & what isn't. In the short term, make sure you & your children are ok, looked after etc & then when you have the mental capacity to deal with it, decide what to do about him. You will be ok whatever you decide to do. Take each day as it comes. Have short term goals over the coming days & weeks (they can be as simple as brush hair & get dressed!). & maybe seek some help whether it's counselling or medication. Your doctor will be able to help you decide what you need & you'll get through this. Your children will be fine too x

There's a fairly big space between Perfect Woman and Mother Who Self-harms And Attacks Another Person In Front of Her Child.

How are you now ? How's your daughter ?

Tell him you need time to think before you decide what you want yo do.

I think op has left the building...

Firstly - no reaction is the wrong reaction - so anyone who tells you, you were OTT - has not got a clue

What bullshit. So killing him would not have been the wrong reaction either?
Finding out your H is cheating is no excuse to pull that shit in front if your children.She doesn't even mention that it could have had an effect on the poor child that saw it, only that the child knows her father cheated!

@OP How did you "accidentally" open his Facebook and then accidentally see a flirty message "popping in"?

The OP posted 2 hours ago. Maybe she's making dinner or putting the youngest to bed. Not everyone spends every waking minute on MN even if they've got a thread running! Get a grip, people!

OP, I'd ask him to leave asap while you decide what YOU want to do. Hotel, friend's sofa, who cares. His problem. Take your time to decide your next steps without his amateur dramatics.

Without THE amateur dramatics! Not his!