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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has ruined our perfect life....

155 replies

Alwaysconfusedmum · 03/06/2017 17:53

Yesterday I found out that my husband of 20 years had cheated on me while on a cruise holiday with his brother. We have been together since I was 18, have two children together 15 and 9. I am an independent, intelligent and attractive woman. I spend most of my non-working hours to household duties, cooking, cleaning, he helps with cleaning and grocery shopping. We live in the nicest house and go on holiday 3 times a year.....in short, we had everything!
I love him and trusted him to go on holidays with his brother, he returned around 2 weeks ago, since his return we had sex several times, he acted completely normal.
Yesterday I accidentally opened his FB that's where I saw this flirty msg popping in so I started talking to her as him...that's when I came to know they've kissed several times and slept once. She is in her mid-fifties and XXL in size. When confronted, he apologized but I went out of control screaming and slapping him and self-harming myself, I had a nervous breakdown. Unfortunately, our daughter witnessed it all and now know what her dad had done.
I want to kick him out of our house as the house is in my name but he is begging for a forgiveness when asked the reason he said it was a poor judgment .....My knees are shaking, I am not sure what I want but then when I look at my kids, they love their father and he loves them and he says he loves me too.......it feels he has slit my throat, the pain is unbearable, I haven't slept for more than 24 hours .....what should I do?

OP posts:
Hdgshsksk · 03/06/2017 20:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frogsgoladidahdidah · 03/06/2017 20:46

I would sleep on it. Emotions are pretty high right now (understandably)

SilentlyScreamingAgain · 03/06/2017 20:56

I'm surprised that anyone is suggesting that the OP ask her husband to leave. No one likes an unfaithful husband but to self harm and commit domestic abuse in front of a child is abusive.

An adulterous parent is more fit than an abusive one.

user1496517740 · 03/06/2017 21:07

Am so sorry to read this. You poor soul. You need time to get your head around this. I would suggest getting in a counsellor and taking the time to work out whether you could forgive him for such deceit. In the meantime, your other half should take time out away from your family home and so he has the time to work out what he has potentially thrown away by not being able to be faithful to his wife. My heart goes out to you

Hdgshsksk · 03/06/2017 21:15

Id ask him to move out for a while and see how you feel in a few days (or weeks) time.

cestlavielife · 03/06/2017 21:20

You 've been together since 18.
You spend non working hours "cooking cleaning" etc.. . What else?
Do you do anything for you ?

No excuse for his behaviour but take the advice of a separation for now and seeing a counsellor
Awful as it is you need to put the dc first and not let them be involved in adult things.

PersianCatLady · 03/06/2017 21:23

The OP posted 2 hours ago. Maybe she's making dinner or putting the youngest to bed. Not everyone spends every waking minute on MN even if they've got a thread running
There is a big difference to spending every waking minute on MN and posting a OP like this and disappearing.

joannegrady90 · 03/06/2017 21:25

I'm so sorry op.

Please stop putting down the other woman though. It doesn't matter about her size , she may not of known your husband is married.

He's a pig, pigs fuck anything.

Hugs.

Mummmy2017 · 03/06/2017 21:37

Do you have a spare room, if so ask him to go sleep in there till you decide what you want to do,

Ask him to go to counselling with you , write a list and find out why he did it and if you want to work it out or split.

Go an see the doctor tomorrow about the self harming, I can understand the lose of control over hitting him you must have been out of your mind with shock. and yes we all know we should use violence so but take heart, you didn't so a Mrs Bobbit on him..

Notmyrealname85 · 03/06/2017 21:39

OP if you're there - please hunker down with a friend tonight to care for you, and see your GP tomorrow. Post another day to talk about next steps, fo now get some rest Flowers

To unhelpful posters...

  1. Maybe her "over"reaction is exactly a reflection of how hard this new has hit her? Yes there's a massive difference between a "perfect life" and a woman having a breakdown - that reflects on what he has done. He's has destroyed something she thought perfect.
  2. How many threads on cheating have we had? How many of those posters knew their partners were looking elsewhere? Unless you have suspicions or they're explicitly telling you they're cheating, yes you can think that you have a decent marriage. If he was keeping up a charade - yes a perfect marriage. OP is so shocked exactly because he was probably telling her everything was perfect.
  3. On size - maybe OP prides herself on keeping trim? Maybe that's what his type used to be, maybe he's pressured her subtly over the years to keep that figure? If you look nothing like that other woman, no matter what she looks like, yes it bloody well stings and is damn humiliating
  4. OP has probably bailed because when you're in shock - which it sounds like she is - looking for hand holding and support, and seeing confusing and critical posts, is so far from helpful for her right now
  5. She says she didn't mean for her daughter to see any of this. Please don't judge a woman who is in shock. Being with him for such a long time - so much of her identity and self esteem and the structure of the family, their security and experiences, have been built around him as husband/father. To lose that instantly and question the past and not know what the future brings - of course it's bloody scary!
Iloveyouthismuch · 03/06/2017 21:39

Please arrange to get your daughter some help. Whatever happens between you and your husband is NOTHING to do with her and you have no idea how damaging these kind of incidents have on young people. As with many aspects of parenting - you have to put your own feelings to one side to make sure that they are affected as little as possible. Hitting your husband in front of your child is appalling regardless of what he did. There is NO EXCUSE for domestic violence.

Iloveyouthismuch · 03/06/2017 21:42

notmyrealname

So if a woman was caught cheating would her husband be reasonable in hitting her in front of her child?

Nancy91 · 03/06/2017 21:48

Nobody is reasonable when they get news like this. Give the OP a break, she must feel like she has been hit by a bus with this revelation.

I'm really sorry this happened to you, he sounds like a very cold person.

Flowers
Waltermittythesequel · 03/06/2017 21:52

Right so next time a woman posts a thread saying her dh has hit her after a row, it's only because he's in shock. Hmm

Notmyrealname85 · 03/06/2017 21:53

Another really helpful post...I'm saying we shouldn't judge her in the heat of the moment. Of course violence is awful, especially if one person is stronger than the other and especially in front of children. But she can't take that back and you don't all know how you'd act in those particular set of circumstances (I mean the history of them being together)

Which is why I said she should have a friend come over and see the GP tomorrow. That's about being helpful to her children above all. As the child of domestic violence I can say urgent assistance is the most important thing now, and I'm worried we haven't heard from OP.

But you do you, virtual signal all night - really helpful for her children right now

Iloveyouthismuch · 03/06/2017 21:53

Give the OP a break, she must feel like she has been hit by a bus with this revelation.

I'm more concerned with the trauma that her child has just experienced.

Terrible things happen to people every minute of every day and they do not and should not resort to violence.

I'm disgusted by the women here who are justifying an incident of domestic violence in front of a child.

Albadross · 03/06/2017 21:54

I can't believe people are actually entertaining the idea that she should 'decide if she can forgive him'... How many threads do we see where the OP is lauded for being strong and wonderful because she's able to cope when her husband is a dirty lying scumbag, but as soon as someone (who may have existing MH issues or have experienced abuse in the past for all we know) isn't able to remain cool suddenly the story doesn't make us feel so proud of womankind so she gets told she's not a fit parent and castigated for breaking down?

It's as if the husband gets to breathe a sigh of relief whilst she's carted off to the asylum or something.

iffikitty · 03/06/2017 21:55

joannegrady90 That's a shockingly derogatory post. I'm hoping you just worded it badly.

Iloveyouthismuch · 03/06/2017 21:56

Notmyrealname

You excusing domestic violence is not helpful to her children. You are making her think that what she did was "understandable" and it wasn't.

Albadross · 03/06/2017 21:56

And of course violence is never ok, but she never claimed it was - she asked for help because she knew that.

Notmyrealname85 · 03/06/2017 22:02

iloveyouthismuch I think we all have that concern but you need to think of your approach - we have no idea what OP is doing, if she's reached out anywhere else for immediate help (friends, helplines etc) or if she's on her own and her children are trying to cope on their own too. Don't alienate the OP right now - how does potentially scaring her from a forum help her DC? We're also speaking about this second hand, and as if it happened weeks ago because it doesn't concern us. She's processing this only now, as against their whole history together. Same with the DC. Which is why it's important to keep OPs on a thread - we don't know if anyone else is supporting them right now

Iloveyouthismuch · 03/06/2017 22:02

And I suggested that some of that help be directed at her daughter - the child who's life has come crashing down around her. I wonder how she reacted - OP never really mentioned her much.

Persemillion · 03/06/2017 22:02

Considering the weight and enormity of OP's problems right now, pick up on OW's size comment is irrelevant. It's not hard to understand OW being fat is even more humiliating for her.

Notmyrealname85 · 03/06/2017 22:02

And how are you going to help those children when we've lost the OP?

Iloveyouthismuch · 03/06/2017 22:10

Once again Notmyrealname I'm wondering if you'd be so keen to keep a male OP on a thread if he'd just lamped his wife in front of the kids? Op merely mentioned that it was unfortunate that her daughter witnessed the incident because she "now know what her dad has done" but did not mention anything she had done. It is important to point out to her that her behaviour was not ok so that it is not repeated and so that she can take some action to help her child.