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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has ruined our perfect life....

155 replies

Alwaysconfusedmum · 03/06/2017 17:53

Yesterday I found out that my husband of 20 years had cheated on me while on a cruise holiday with his brother. We have been together since I was 18, have two children together 15 and 9. I am an independent, intelligent and attractive woman. I spend most of my non-working hours to household duties, cooking, cleaning, he helps with cleaning and grocery shopping. We live in the nicest house and go on holiday 3 times a year.....in short, we had everything!
I love him and trusted him to go on holidays with his brother, he returned around 2 weeks ago, since his return we had sex several times, he acted completely normal.
Yesterday I accidentally opened his FB that's where I saw this flirty msg popping in so I started talking to her as him...that's when I came to know they've kissed several times and slept once. She is in her mid-fifties and XXL in size. When confronted, he apologized but I went out of control screaming and slapping him and self-harming myself, I had a nervous breakdown. Unfortunately, our daughter witnessed it all and now know what her dad had done.
I want to kick him out of our house as the house is in my name but he is begging for a forgiveness when asked the reason he said it was a poor judgment .....My knees are shaking, I am not sure what I want but then when I look at my kids, they love their father and he loves them and he says he loves me too.......it feels he has slit my throat, the pain is unbearable, I haven't slept for more than 24 hours .....what should I do?

OP posts:
llhj · 03/06/2017 18:12

Get rid. He's a louse.

namechange20050 · 03/06/2017 18:16

Posters fixating on the comment about the OW being older and xxl; get over yourselves.

TheNaze73 · 03/06/2017 18:16

Take your time, no rush to make a decision

NellieBuff · 03/06/2017 18:19

As others have said step back a bit and do nothing until you have given yourself some breathing space. It is all too raw and emotional at the moment. But please do try not to involve your children anymore at this time. They are too young to cope with what is an adult situation. Perhaps your husband could move to a hotel for a few days just to give you space,

AbsentmindedWoman · 03/06/2017 18:22

I have to say - you sound perhaps like you're in denial about your relationship. You didn't have a perfect life to ruin, because obviously something was deeply wrong.

The focus in your op on having 'the nicest house' and holidays three times a year seems to me to be an odd way of evaluating how good your marriage was.

So sorry you're in pain and shock though. It's a horrible situation to be in.

SheilaHammond · 03/06/2017 18:27

It's horrible but you have to be strong for your children and yourself as you move forwards.

Ask your GP for some help, your reaction was very extreme, and unhelpful to you and your DD. (I say this as someone who has various MH diagnoses, over 20+ years, so not being judgemental, just it helps to try and be self aware and know when you need help).

Nobody's life is perfect, every marriage has ups and downs. You might be able to work through it, if your DH is willing and you are both able to unpick what has happened.

leghoul · 03/06/2017 18:29

You reaction is not proportionate. Self harming in front of your child is not OK. You need to get support for you. You can wait and decide about him when you feel stronger but in my experience this sort of break in trust can't be easily remedied.

RainbowJack · 03/06/2017 18:30

Alwaysconfusedmum Get yourself to the health clinic and checked out.

And if he was still flirting with her post cruise he clearly doesn't feel any guilt or regret.

Kick him out.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 03/06/2017 18:35

You need to seek help, DV and self harming are it normal reactions. If your chidren have witnessed that, all the more reason to approach your GP etc. They need to be protected from that.

No one knows if you can save your marriage, harm has been done in both sides. Time apart and the children safe is the main thing now.

PurpleDaisies · 03/06/2017 18:37

op your behaviour was totally out of order. Yes, the guy is a bastard but slapping him and self harming in front of your child is really worrying. You say you had a "nervous breakdown". Have you sought medical help?

Who is looking after your children now? Have you apologised and reassured them all is ok?

Underthemoonlight · 03/06/2017 18:39

Sorry to hear about this op, whilst this an horrible experience to go through your reaction in particular you self harming infront of your dd is extremely worrying I second seeking some help.

It sounds like he's used going on holidays with his brother as a means of pulling. Her looks are irrelevant maybe it's the thrill of it who knows but the fact of the matter he betrayed your trust and your marriage. Have you got anyone in RL you can speak to?

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 03/06/2017 18:55

Hmmm. Except YOU said XXL so clearly to you it IS relevant. I'm not XXL so it's not personal for me but that statement from you says you're already trying to find a way to blame the OW or find a way in which you're better than her rather than just blame him. You might not even be aware of that yet, or ready to accept it, but to me you're giving yourself an unconscious way of making it ok for him to apologise and come 'back to you' in future. Because you're better then her, because you're not XXL. You're trying to make it about her, because if that wasn't truly relevant you wouldn't have out it in the OP.

Albadross · 03/06/2017 18:56

I don't think OP thought it was normal - hence she was asking what to do because she's obviously in so much shock she isn't coping. People will often think of things like houses and holidays as signs of a happy life because we're all told these are 'normal' family things to do FGS.

OP you need to see your GP as a priority - and if there's a family member who can help support you and the DC to make sure they're also ok after seeing you so distressed that would be a good idea too. They may need to see a GP too. Don't make any decisions or try and speak to him about any of this again until you know you won't be putting yourself at risk.

If someone can help you get money sorted and documents etc you can focus on getting yourself stable enough to move forward. Flowers

HildaOg · 03/06/2017 19:00

Firstly you need to calm down and take control of your emotions, you could lose custody if you continue self harming and acting out of control in front of your child.

You've been married twenty years, if this is the worst so far then it's really not that bad. You may want rid of him or you might change your mind in the future so don't make any rash decisions right now.

As for the cheating, it doesn't matter what her age or size, it's not about better, it's about wanting something different. After twenty years, I suspect most people have at some point. Not really worth throwing your life away (or ending up in a psychiatric hospital by having a breakdown).

Kick him out for a bit, calm down and think about whether you want to keep him or where you want to go from here if not.

louise55 · 03/06/2017 19:05

I know this is so awful but was it offered on a plate was he pissed? I know I will be shot for this but don't ruin a whole marriage over this everyone makes mistakes we are all human men and women make mistakes sorry hugs xx

TreeTop7 · 03/06/2017 19:07

I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Try not to fixate on the woman involved - how she is, is irrelevant because the chances are he was looking for anyone on that cruise who was up for it. The problems in your marriage are what's relevant now. Try to keep calm and take care of yourself over the next few days.

OnionKnight · 03/06/2017 19:07

Take him to the cleaners and get professional help for yourself.

Xmasbaby11 · 03/06/2017 19:11

You need help. It's not a normal reaction and your dh clearly doesn't agree your lives are perfect or it wouldn't have happened.

Sorry this has happened. Without any previous signs it must have been a massive shock and no doubt it'll destroy your family so you'll have to be strong.

IppyDippyTippy · 03/06/2017 19:11

I have to say - you sound perhaps like you're in denial about your relationship. You didn't have a perfect life to ruin, because obviously something was deeply wrong.

I don't agree with this ^^. Something doesn't have to be deeply wrong for a man to sleep with another woman. If the opportunity was there, or he was drunk, it might have just been a thing that happened. I am by no means condoning it though. It was a shit thing to do, and I am so sorry you're going through this OP.

I would also ask him to move out to give yourself a chance to calmly work through this and decide where to go from here.

crazykitten20 · 03/06/2017 19:15

Gosh.

The most important thing to do is to make sure your child is ok. No idea how you do that after such a palaver drama. But PLEASE do that.

Make sure your child is ok.

Then .... no idea. I guess couples counselling.??

But please please please make sure your child is ok. See a doctor if necessary

PoorYorick · 03/06/2017 19:20

People don't have affairs because their spouses are so ugly and someone who's just irresistibly gorgeous hits on them. If that were true, there would be no cheating among the Hollywood A list. Tiger Wood's wife is a Swedish model, ffs.

I'm not justifying or excusing affairs, but you must not beat yourself up regarding the looks thing, because it will have been fuck all to do with that. Men can have sex with women they're not attracted to and don't even like very much.

I agree that you must seek professional help because whether your reaction is normal or not, it's harmful to you and your child.

Waltermittythesequel · 03/06/2017 19:20

People aren't trying to be hard on OP, but if her dd goes into school and tells a teacher about this, I'm assuming teacher will report and it could snowball.

Of course it's shocking and upsetting, but not to the extent of violence against him and herself all in front of her poor daughter.

gottachangethename1 · 03/06/2017 19:24

So sorry op. What you're experiencing sounds totally normal under the circumstances. You must seek family or a good friend to talk to and ideally dd too.

Try to drink water, tea, juice or you'll be dehydrated and try a little something to eat. Give yourself the time to really think things through and when you're ready you can make a decision on what you need to do. Thinking of you op.

workingmumsarebad · 03/06/2017 19:29

Firstly - no reaction is the wrong reaction - so anyone who tells you, you were OTT - has not got a clue!

Ask him to move out for a few days - y
ou need some space and so does he.
If he is around all the time, playing happy families, he will think he has got away with it,
it will emotionally blackmail you into not dealing with the issues
you need time and space
he needs to give you some answers
he needs to realise what he has just chucked away
go and talk to your sensible friend ( we all have them)
whilst he is out of the house - go through all his stuff and find out if this is a one off or is there a pattern
speak to brother in law- his reactions will tell you a lot about whether he thinks his brother was stupid or it was alright - no harm done. If the latter then he knows this was not a one off.

Explain to your kids that you and Dad need a breather to get your heads sorted.

Look after yourself, it is the mind and heart fuck from hell and it takes years to recover, this will not be fixed in days.

SW10Lond · 03/06/2017 19:31

Go one a cruise and have an affair. Ask him how it feels...

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