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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He has ruined our perfect life....

155 replies

Alwaysconfusedmum · 03/06/2017 17:53

Yesterday I found out that my husband of 20 years had cheated on me while on a cruise holiday with his brother. We have been together since I was 18, have two children together 15 and 9. I am an independent, intelligent and attractive woman. I spend most of my non-working hours to household duties, cooking, cleaning, he helps with cleaning and grocery shopping. We live in the nicest house and go on holiday 3 times a year.....in short, we had everything!
I love him and trusted him to go on holidays with his brother, he returned around 2 weeks ago, since his return we had sex several times, he acted completely normal.
Yesterday I accidentally opened his FB that's where I saw this flirty msg popping in so I started talking to her as him...that's when I came to know they've kissed several times and slept once. She is in her mid-fifties and XXL in size. When confronted, he apologized but I went out of control screaming and slapping him and self-harming myself, I had a nervous breakdown. Unfortunately, our daughter witnessed it all and now know what her dad had done.
I want to kick him out of our house as the house is in my name but he is begging for a forgiveness when asked the reason he said it was a poor judgment .....My knees are shaking, I am not sure what I want but then when I look at my kids, they love their father and he loves them and he says he loves me too.......it feels he has slit my throat, the pain is unbearable, I haven't slept for more than 24 hours .....what should I do?

OP posts:

Nancy91 · 03/06/2017 22:11

I missed the part where the OP said she made a brilliant decision to hit her partner after a great deal of thinking about it. She did it on the spur of the moment and she can't take it back now. Parent or not, she is a human being with emotions and she can't time travel back and stop herself hitting him. I don't know how I would have reacted if I was her.

She wasn't asking for parenting tips.

Mummmy2017 · 03/06/2017 22:13

This is not our life, it's the OP's and she is upset.

I hope your OK, and have someone to talk to.

Yes he cheated, and it needs to be addressed.
Yes you hit him, and we all hope we wouldn't react like this, but you did and your daughter saw and heard, I am sure you have spoken to her and checked she isn't frightened,,,, only you know your child and can decide how best to go forward, not everyone needs to relive an event to recover from it, your saying sorry may be enough,,,

I am sure your husband knows he is in major trouble over his actions, breathe and think what you want and what he wants, talk, becasue that is the only way to sort it out...

Notmyrealname85 · 03/06/2017 22:24

This is exactly who we should keep on posts, to try and help - especially if others are at risk.

Or would you rather they put down their device, and go back in high emotions to the situation and their DC? It is vital to be practical for those DC before anyone else gets there to help them

Iloveyouthismuch · 03/06/2017 22:26

She wasn't asking for parenting tips

She asked What should I do?

I answered Please arrange to get your daughter some help

Notmyrealname85 · 03/06/2017 22:28

Before saying you don't think people like this should be kept on threads... This thread has gone to shit, and meanwhile we don't have confirmation that OP and her kids are ok

Iloveyouthismuch · 03/06/2017 22:31

Or would you rather they put down their device, and go back in high emotions to the situation and their DC?

I would rather she got the message that her daughter is probably devastated and frightened and she put down her device and went to her...yes...I don't think that's unreasonable. If she is not capable of speaking calmly to her child after 5 hours then there's not a hell of lot a bunch of posters on the internet giving virtual hugs and flowers can do to help her.

Nancy91 · 03/06/2017 22:32

Great idea to make the OP feel like a shit parent on what was already the worst day of her life. Clearly a lot of the posters on here are emotionally superior and have never done anything purely because they were angry.

OP, take as much time as you need and only talk to him when you are ready, on your terms. Also please get yourself checked for STDs as soon as you can

Notmyrealname85 · 03/06/2017 22:35

Ah so you've written off hope for helping OP and her children? So stay off the damn thread

OP a hundred other posters are here to help

Iris65 · 03/06/2017 22:35

I cannot believe that anyone is excusing domestic abuse because of the shock.
If a woman came on here and described what her husband had done to her and to her daughter when he found out she'd slept with someone else the replies would have been very different!
OP please get help for you and for your DC.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 03/06/2017 22:38

A man belting a woman is somewhat different from a woman hitting a man. For instance, DEATH can occur in the first instance....a black eye at worst from the latter!!

I personally can't believe the posters falling over themselves to equate the two, just to kick an already-down woman!

PersianCatLady · 03/06/2017 22:42

I cannot believe in 2017 that I have just read a post differentiating so much between domestic violence committed by men and women.

BadTasteFlump · 03/06/2017 22:43

Seriously last

With respect, that is bullshit.

Bant · 03/06/2017 22:45

I don't think people are trying to kick an already-down woman.

But I agree, the physical assault by one parent of another, and then the self harm in front of a child, is a massive issue.

Obviously the OP is in shock, and the husband did a stupid, terrible thing. But the OP seems very highly strung, and uses physical violence to make her point, and maybe the husband didn't see their life as being perfect but only the OP did..

It seems to me that having a big house and going on holiday lots of times makes their life perfect, to her, but obviously not her husband. and when that's threatened she self harms and assaults her husband in front of their child.

Iloveyouthismuch · 03/06/2017 22:48

There is nothing anyone on here can do to help Op's children - only OP can do that. Which is what I suggested in the first place.

Mummmy2017 · 03/06/2017 23:05

I do wonder what your responses would have been too ...

I am a man of about 40, i went on holiday with my brother and kissed and had sex with a woman 50 years old who was an XXL,I have also been talking to her on Facebook since the holiday...

My wife has just found out and hit me in front of our children then she self harmed,,, she is one heck of a mess...
she wants me to leave but I am begging her not to make me go.

Bant · 03/06/2017 23:11

I wonder what your responses would have been to...

I am a woman of about 40. I'm married to a man who thinks our life is perfect because we have a big house, and lots of holidays, but I haven't been happy for a long time. I went on a cruise with my sister and met a man, we had a fling and I feel horrible about it but we kept in touch. This was stupid of me.

However my husband started reading my Facebook messages and hit me in front of our daughter. And harmed himself in front of her.

I did a stupid thing but I want to fix it, for the sake of our child and our marriage. My husband is currently posting on Internet forums to justify his violent behaviour.

LastGirlOnTheLeft · 03/06/2017 23:13

No. It isn't Flump. It's true!! How is it bullshit?

Bant · 03/06/2017 23:40

Death can occur in either situation, last. You don't know the man, or the woman. You're making assumptions. Women can kill men too, it's just less likely.

Please don't start saying that violence is okay if it's a woman doing it.

WarriorsDance · 03/06/2017 23:42

Bant

Mysteriouscurle · 04/06/2017 00:07

Bollocks and sexist shit last girl

Mysteriouscurle · 04/06/2017 00:08

Only a black eye? Oh well thats all right then

FritzDonovan · 04/06/2017 01:04

Please don't start saying that violence is okay if it's a woman doing it.
Noone said that!
Fwiw I don't disagree totally with last. A slap from your average male has more force behind it than a slap from your average female, and hence likely to do more damage. Not condoning violence, obv, but do think it's understandable as a knee jerk reaction to a cheating shit who doesn't appear remorseful in the slightest.
OP - He cheated because he could, without getting found out. Chances are he'd do it again, or has before. Now you know your life wasn't perfect, start building one without him, unless he is willing to work at regaining your respect and trust, you are reasonably convinced it was a one off (as he implied) and ends the holidays without you.

LedaP · 04/06/2017 07:47

If a man slapped and hit his wife upon finding out she had an affair, no one would say 'oh bless him its all her fault' and 'no reaction is the wrong reaction'

If that man then self harmed and all this happened infront of their child, he would be called abusive, controlling and manipulative. There would be people questioning if he was controlling and abusive before and coming up with excuses for her affair....because you know he is so awful.

The op broke the law and traumatised her dd.

Her husband is a dick. But that is not an ok to behave.

It actually suggests to me that all is not well with the Op. In a serious way. I am not excusing the affair at all. But i do wonder if the husband would agree their life is perfect. Or built this image of her life that isnt accurate, in her head, in order to cope with it not being ok.

LedaP · 04/06/2017 07:49

fritz so a slap is ok as long as its not hard enough to leave a mark or damage?

If a man slaps he wife but controls it enough she doesnt bruise, its ok?

Crispmonster1 · 04/06/2017 07:55

Take some time out for yourself. Your sense of self has been shifted. Don't react to anything yet. Maybe arrange some counselling for yourself and as a couple. U need to understand why he did this in order to decide if to end it or try and push through. Whatever, it isn't your fault.

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