Things are 'so unfair' for STBXH

[ponyprincess]

Married 15 years, 2DC.. Forgave cheating, coped with EA with cpunselling set boundaries....but resulted 6 months silent treatment (common reaction) as things were 99% my fault and as he was sorry for the 1% I should accept that, and work on making myself acceptable to him.

After the 6 months of silent treatment (literally he would go on work trips.) and disappear for a week without notice etc) I received his message.. I was the love of his life, that is why he decided......he had to divorce me and from that day was looking for a new wife. This was followed by a long rant of how terrible I was as a wife.This is a man who never did any housework, minimal child work etc. I work fulltime, no family or nanny etc but do all.that. I replied only ok at least we agree we should divorce and filed petition.

Finally he did move out but so frustating... for divorce will not disclose finances, for contact time refuses to speak.to me only direct to children (they are only 8 and 10),cancels or expects contact last minute.... now had message about how unfair I am to him.. not even sure what I am asking, other than how to keep.sanity with someone like this? I don' t think I being unfair but find the accusations hard to deal with

Ignore his accusations - he's a big cunt!
Does he have an email account?
Start conversing over email.
Tell him how it's going to be.
Contact on a Wednesday and every other weekend or what ever you want to do.
No last minute changes and no cancelling.
The kids need a routine.
Once that routine is stuck to then the odd change in weekend will be acceptable.
Get some legal advice.
He will HAVE to disclose finances in his divorce papers.
Ensure he is paying you maintenance.
Do you know how much he earns?
Is he self employed?

Thanks for your reply! The mental thing is he asks for regular times, then cancels or us away for business without notice- disappears. And will only communicate about accessvia children which I don't like as why should they be messengers between parents?
He owns his own business plus has property in his own county but does not want to disclose details, yet accuses me of being obstructive when I have completed form E with all supporting documents.

Maybe I just have to face court but worry about the expense

And you can't force someone to see their own kids!!

What us hard is how to be firm yet still.keep.amicable for.kids- is.this possible??

I have now divorced but in court over access with someone like this.

In writing, set out how things will be with contact. Do not move.
Communicate via writing only, set clear boundaries.

Do not expect to be friendly. It is a business transaction and you need to treat it like one.

If things improve in the future then that might change but right now you are an ice queen and you set the boundaries.

I need to improve my ice princess persona!

But in practice if there is an agreed contact time and ex says 'no/never agreed' or silence... do you just accept, what can you do? It is horrible for kids and I can't really plan my child free time as never sure it wil.happen

So contact is (for example) every Saturday.

If Ex can't make it, there's no more until the following Saturday. You need to be able to make plans and you are not there to respond to his whims.

'Dear CuntEx.

I have been looking at the girls routine and I think what would work best for them is to spend time with you on a Saturday between 10-6 and Wednesday from 3-7.

As I'm sure you will appreciate, we need to plan and establish a routine so I would be grateful if you could let me know with reasonable notice if you cannot make any agreed times.

Thanks,
Ponyicequeenprincess.

When he emails you to say he can't make it one day, your response is

'Dear Ex.
Thank you for the information. The girls will see you at the next arranged contact.'

That's it. Simple. Make them available, set boundaries, don't move.

(I know it's fucking hideous but trust me I've learnt this the hard way! You can't reason with an unreasonable person)

Why don't you see a solicitor and find out how much it would be to draw up an official parenting agreement. My solicitor suggested this (although not sure how much it costs).
It doesn't involve going to court or anything but its all set out in black and white and might make him stick to it more.

You've received good advice. I suggest you follow it.

Contact should be directly with you, via email or text. No more contact with the DC, as you need to plan and know what's going on.

It's not fair to put the kids in the middle of their visitation, because they will remember this as they grow up.

It's the kind of thing they'll keep in mind and make them stay in a bad relationship, because they don't want their kids to go through what they went through.

Keep communication in writing and don't pick up the phone if he calls. Be prepared for him to blow up your phone when you set him straight on contact.

Mumsnet women you are fantastic thanks for this good advice!!

Contact now is only.via text /email

I guess I just need to stay ice queen!

If I send message 'when are you free this week to see dc' I get reply 'I will not have you dictate when I see dc, I will arrange with them' .. ummm good example of no reasoning with unreasonable?

I can enforce days as suggested.. the hard part is that will equal little/unpreductable child free time for me as I have no.family support but I can accept that.. in some years they will be off busy with their own lives so I will value this time!

I didn't explain the 'so.unfair' in.title- this was him saying it was.so unfair he had to 'pay for my household' (he pays csa requirement
..... not for.my household!)

Ok ladies.you have helped.me.to be firm and text regular contact schedule.to stbxh, that works best for.kids.
. I await.his friendly and reasonable.reply 😀

You've got this! 💪💪💪💪💪💪🙌🙌🙌

Just realised the strong arm emoticon looks like a penis and balls when posted on MN!

You totally made me laugh ! Mooey89

Sadly his reply was 'fuck off i will decide.when i see my children'..
. I guess that means he is busy the regular night suggested!

But i am holding strong.. next week then and lovely extra night for me.with kids!!

I think you should get legal on him OP, he's not going to be helpful at all and sounds intent on being nasty and uncooperative.
I wouldn't trust him either.
Please go down the court route, he sounds like he could really upset your dc, playing his stupid games.
Change your phone and communicate via email. keep all his mail for evidence.

If you are a reasonable person you can't help but be influenced when someone shouts "unfair", however you will have to realise he had a victim mentality and nothing you do, other than 100% capitulation will make him believe it's fair.

I went to meditation with my stbxh genuinely expecting reasonable behaviour however I was so naive.I have to go to court and at least if you apply then there is a timetable your stbxh has to respond by.
Often a settlement is reached ahead of court but the timetable and deadline forces unreasonable people to act more sensibly.

I agree. You need to involve sollicitors there.
Hewill carry on with the EA, the silent treatment etc... he wont get suddenly reasonable.

But he will make your life hell saying that you are stopping him from seeing the dcs.

You need to protect yourself and the dcs there.

I think.you.might be right Gillybeanz that the legal.route might have to be the way in the end, or at least proceeding that way

Hemione2016 you totally have him, he is always the victim, looking for sympathy! Helpful.to know that going the legal route might still.result in settlement

It is.just so hard to accept that he can't be reasonable!

Bluepeppers YES- he is always.accusing me.of 'preventing him' seeing dc when I am.the one asking when he can as if I leave it to him.it is silence or text direct.to dc not me.' Meet.me at train station.in 5 min' ???!!!

If he refuses then email and say you either agree with me when you do want contact or you won't see them until a court order is agreed as I am not having our children being used as pawns in this ridiculous way.

Btw he sounds like he can't stand not being in control, is he a narcissist?

Just let him take you to court for contact, his behaviour is completely unacceptable in every way!!! He will end up with fixed contact anyway.

Redastherose yes I think he definitely has narcissist characteristics!