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Original poster

Things are 'so unfair' for STBXH

143 replies

ponyprincess · 02/06/2017 16:04

Married 15 years, 2DC.. Forgave cheating, coped with EA with cpunselling set boundaries....but resulted 6 months silent treatment (common reaction) as things were 99% my fault and as he was sorry for the 1% I should accept that, and work on making myself acceptable to him.

After the 6 months of silent treatment (literally he would go on work trips.) and disappear for a week without notice etc) I received his message.. I was the love of his life, that is why he decided......he had to divorce me and from that day was looking for a new wife. This was followed by a long rant of how terrible I was as a wife.This is a man who never did any housework, minimal child work etc. I work fulltime, no family or nanny etc but do all.that. I replied only ok at least we agree we should divorce and filed petition.

Finally he did move out but so frustating... for divorce will not disclose finances, for contact time refuses to speak.to me only direct to children (they are only 8 and 10),cancels or expects contact last minute.... now had message about how unfair I am to him.. not even sure what I am asking, other than how to keep.sanity with someone like this? I don' t think I being unfair but find the accusations hard to deal with

OP posts:
Original poster
ponyprincess · 04/06/2017 23:00

And I get what is being said but even if I had a legal order about contact.. how can I enforce? And is it in dc's best interest to be rigid about it?

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QueenofEsgaroth · 04/06/2017 23:04

GOOD the use your solicitor, make em earn their keep! Finance and contact are all part and parcel of divorce, abusive men are less likely to try shit on with a solicitor and will even maybe get their own solicitor who will also advise them that such nonsense will no longer wash.

You can't force him to see the children, you can work out a contact schedule and then see if he actually wants to spend time with them or not. But have your solicitor do it, stop being flexible.

PandoraMole · 04/06/2017 23:21

Hemione2016 you totally have him, he is always the victim, looking for sympathy! Helpful.to know that going the legal route might still.result in settlement

This seems to be par for the course with men when it's not their decision to separate/divorce, except in very rare cases.

It is tough to do but you must try and step away from engaging with his perspective/feelings. Your children come first, then you - his feelings are no longer your concern - only the realities and practicalities of dealing with anything that concerns the kids.

Understand that it doesn't matter one iota how reasonable you are, to him, you will always be the bad guy.

My STBXH is constantly making remarks to both myself and DC about how impoverished the financial settlement will leave him. I have accepted the bare minimum settlement that will allow me to make a fresh start and put a secure roof over my child's head plus the CMS determined monthly child maintenance. No spousal maintenance, no share of his pension even though I could never afford one of my own as I worked part time throughout our marriage. I have paid all the court related costs to dates and my own solicitors fees, not claiming any contribution from him.

Occasionally he presses my guilt buttons - then I remember that he chooses to effectively work part-time and since he moved into a new relationship before I even filed to divorce paperwork has a girlfriend with her own home to fall back on should he need a roof over his head. In the meantime I am flying solo as a now full-time working single mum.

The more you focus on seeing it from yours and your DC's perspective, the easier it is to not react to their bullshit. Flowers

Original poster
ponyprincess · 04/06/2017 23:36

pamdoramole sorry.you have had such a shit time but stars with how you have dealt with it

You are right I need to disengage and stop focusing on his feelings- the feelings of dc more important!

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innagazing · 04/06/2017 23:45

I suggest that you get your solicitor to write to him to tell him that the children, you and him, all need regular days and times when contact takes place. so everyone can plan and get on with the rest of their daily lives. get a parenting agreement Urgently!
If one of those agreed days is a weekday, then maybe suggest he collects them from directly from school so it minimises the potential for him to piss you around, and publicly shames him if they aren't collected. (you'd obviously need to be available if the school phones you to say he hasn't collected them, but it won't look good in court). At weekends. if he is regularly returning them earlier, then either be out, or cut down the hours of the visit. Do not be flexible about contact times and push to get mediation asap so that you can get a parenting agreement urgently. I think he's so difficult you probably will need to go to court. It's important to write everything down and to record everything that happens including dates.
I agree with the children not having the phones. Tell him, and the dc, that no contact arrangements will be made via the dc. It's too stressful for the dc and it's unfair on them - it's the adults that should be doing it.

innagazing · 05/06/2017 00:00

Pony- when you ask how can you enforce a legal order, do you mean if he doesn't turn up when expected? You can't force him to have contact, but if he consistently doesn't bother seeing them, you would have grounds to return to court to lessen the contact (so at least the Dc and you don't have to wait around wondering if he's going to arrive). If you have a legal contact order, then you just refuse contact at other times. If he turns up at your door demanding contact when it's not due, then call the police and show them the order.
I think you will have to be rigid, at least for a few years, as he seems hell bent on control and manipulation. It will limit how he can make the dc feel bad when he asks whether they didn't want to see him etc. as they can just say it's not their decision, it's what the courts decided.

kittybiscuits · 05/06/2017 00:13

A good starting point is to never respond quickly to his messages - for example always wait until the next day. You can also develop a really brief, factual tone. E.g. 'I will inform the children that you are not available for contact this week' - don't waste words on him. Don't argue with him. E.g. you will need to make future contact arrangements with me via email. It is not in the best interests of the children to liaise with you directly and they are no longer able to do this. Ignore whatever he sends back. Respond the next day to anything essential. Ultimately you cannot make him have regular contact - he doesn't want to. He just wants to dick you around as much as possible. He's a piece of work. There is a lot of it about.

honeyroar · 05/06/2017 00:25

Go to court! This man will play with your heads for years, he won't be reasonable. And mention to the court/solicitors that he is texting the kids to chop and change arrangements, making them feel bad for having other arrangements. I wouldn't put it past him to buy them more phones and tell them to keep them secret from you..

Original poster
ponyprincess · 05/06/2017 00:30

innagazing thanks thatbis helpful!

kittybiscuits that is a good point' I always feel quite reactive to his twaty messages as they are often accusatory and I want to defend- bu wait and stick.to.the facts is good advice

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Original poster
ponyprincess · 05/06/2017 06:27

honeyroar the secret phone possibility had no even occurred to me but yes I.would not put it past him.either!

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 05/06/2017 12:34

His opinion doesn't matter.

You don't have to jump to his tune any more either.

He claims to want a regular schedule but when one is suggested 'oh I travelling for work'etc. Don't suggest for his approval. That's not your life any more. Tell him what the regular schedule is, in the best interests of the children. Tell him that you will follow that schedule unless he sends an alternative for you to consider whether it meets the needs of the children.

or I get 'stop.telling me when I cam see my own children bxxx'
You don't have to obey him any more. So what if he squeals when you tell him how it is? Ignore that whining from him. If you must respond, do it at least a day later like a pp suggested and have a stock reply of "I will do what I believe to be in the best interests of the children."

By demanding that he sees the children whenever the whim takes him he is telling you that he controls when you can see your children and you are not permitted any control over that. Cheeky fucker really thinks he's a little emperor doesn't he?

Original poster
ponyprincess · 05/06/2017 15:52

runrabbitrunrabbit you are awesome! Reading messages like yours gives me the reality check I need 😊

Love 'lttle emporer'... this will be his new nickname in my mind!!!

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Original poster
ponyprincess · 07/06/2017 20:45

Argh... had asked stbxh a while ago if he was free to see dc fathers day weekend which also is ds birthday- replied no he was travelling, so I made other fun plans for dc.

Now he saw dc today...says ooo I so want to see you that weekend why you made other plans (dc told me)
Force myself to say to dc: we are doing xyz, but you should.see dad on regular day x
Repeat to self: be grey rock!!!

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/06/2017 22:26

Nicely done! Nasty little shit to try to set you up like that. Good for you for handling it so well.

His cunning plan backfired and now he doesn't get a father's day or any drama. Win for both you and the DC (who get a fun day and a little lesson into how to deal with his pathetic attempts at manipulation). Go you!

Original poster
ponyprincess · 07/06/2017 22:42

Thanks runrabbitrunrabbit

Working hard to remain gray rock and see it as his fault he misses father's day!! The fun activities planned will definitely be compensation. I am trying to focus on building nice memories with dc in the time we have- refuse to cancel.those at the last minute to accomodate stbxh!!

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/06/2017 23:40

It is his fault. 100% his fault.

You've spoiled his little emperor moment where he felt big because everyone has to throw away all their plans because of his change of mind.

It would have been a good one if it had worked. Not only would you have had to cancel your own plans leaving yourself at a loose end, explain to the children that their fun is cancelled because the little red-faced screaming emperor has summoned them, but probably run around getting him a present and card at short notice. Pfft.

I bet he ramps up the pressure on you now somehow, to renew his control.

BadLad · 09/06/2017 00:11

now had message about how unfair I am to him.

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Things are 'so unfair' for STBXH
Original poster
ponyprincess · 09/06/2017 19:56

runrabbitrunrabbit do you know him?! He has been at it with more emotional blackmail aimed at dc but thanks to the excellent mn advice about phones that was intercepted!

I love the little.emporer image that will help me keep him in proper perspective!

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RossGellersteeth · 09/06/2017 21:19

What a twat your ex is pony. Well done for taking back the control. I had all this with my ex, contact was all on his terms, times that really didn't suit DC and me. He has every weekend off from work and never makes plans to see DC on a weekend, he wanted his weekends for nights out, hangovers and concerts.

Eventually I asked him to see DC once a month on the weekends and still come the days that suited him, he said no. He used every excuse he could, I'm tired on the weekends, I need to check my calenderHmm. He was all over facebook on nights out and concerts and weekends away with his g/f.

I then gave him a schedule of what worked for us...he hasn't been near for 6 weeks now. DD doesn't even really mention him, she certainly doesn't miss him. I fought for years to keep contact going, feeling guilty that if he stopped coming, it would be my fault. I don't feel any guilt anymore, in fact I hope he stays away.

Original poster
ponyprincess · 09/06/2017 21:43

rossgellersteeth that is exactly it- when he behaves in this self-centred way I end up feeling guilty for the lack of contact!! And then all the ridiculous accusations of obstructing contact are hard to ignore, even though he is the one limiting thing!! It is just part of the pattern of him trying to control things, not take responsibility, and see himself as a victim

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RossGellersteeth · 09/06/2017 22:22

I understand exactly how you're feeling, I've been through all that, you have nothing to feel guilty for, It took me a long time to work that out though. The thing that helped me was telling him that all communication would be through text/email,so there's a trail. Every time he asked for contact when it didn't suit(when DD had an activity or when we had plans) I would reply with "no that doesn't work for us, these days work for us". I would take a screenshot of all his excuses and lies as to why he couldn't make it.

I never tried to be awkward or give times when I knew he was working, the times I suggested were on his days off but he wanted to come through the week after work when DD had plans and activities. I now feel zero guilt, I have the proof I need if he decides to go to court(he won't, too scared he'd be offered EOW). You need to start seeing it as him REFUSING contact, not YOU obstructing it.

Original poster
ponyprincess · 09/06/2017 22:47

rossgellersteeth you are spot on- no matter what I do he just wants a carefree life. I started being flexible as he travels a lot, so to facilitate maximum contact. Noooo he needed regular days-did that on days good for dc/easy for him.....mostly he is travelling those days, coincidentally and he does not suggest altetnatives

I am realising the best thing is not to adapt to him or shield them.from his twattish behaviour but teach them how to set boundaries and respond to it!!

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MistressDeeCee · 10/06/2017 00:38

What PandoraMole said

"It is tough to do but you must try and step away from engaging with his perspective/feelings. Your children come first, then you - his feelings are no longer your concern - only the realities and practicalities of dealing with anything that concerns the kids"

^This, 100 times over

& he will never be reasonable. If you don't sort out via legal/court means you will have years of his mean bitterness and cancelling arrangements, upsetting your children. No man is worth that

PandoraMole · 10/06/2017 11:34

Love 'lttle emporer'... this will be his new nickname in my mind!!!

Mine is Captain Cactus Grin

Things are 'so unfair' for STBXH
Original poster
ponyprincess · 10/06/2017 19:34

mistressdeecee that is spot on!

I feel guilty when they don't see him as if the lack of contacy is my fault and he reinforces it to maintain his victim status, but I cab see that no matter what I do he has little contact, and my role is not to pander to him in hope they do buy help them cope with how it is

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