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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Things are 'so unfair' for STBXH

143 replies

ponyprincess · 02/06/2017 16:04

Married 15 years, 2DC.. Forgave cheating, coped with EA with cpunselling set boundaries....but resulted 6 months silent treatment (common reaction) as things were 99% my fault and as he was sorry for the 1% I should accept that, and work on making myself acceptable to him.

After the 6 months of silent treatment (literally he would go on work trips.) and disappear for a week without notice etc) I received his message.. I was the love of his life, that is why he decided......he had to divorce me and from that day was looking for a new wife. This was followed by a long rant of how terrible I was as a wife.This is a man who never did any housework, minimal child work etc. I work fulltime, no family or nanny etc but do all.that. I replied only ok at least we agree we should divorce and filed petition.

Finally he did move out but so frustating... for divorce will not disclose finances, for contact time refuses to speak.to me only direct to children (they are only 8 and 10),cancels or expects contact last minute.... now had message about how unfair I am to him.. not even sure what I am asking, other than how to keep.sanity with someone like this? I don' t think I being unfair but find the accusations hard to deal with

OP posts:
Original poster
ponyprincess · 10/06/2017 19:35

pandoramole love captain cactus, made my laugh out loud!!

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Original poster
ponyprincess · 17/06/2017 10:56

The little emporer was not happy with me being flexible to accomodate his work schedule for contact with dc. He needed 'regular day' .. Told him.day dc prefer (as no after school.activities as they do want to.spend time with him.and easy for him).... ooooo noooo he will not be 'told what to do'
He wants '2 full days' ( down from his prior 4) and week days count as half apparently.... fine but when i said spend the weekend with them this weekend for fathersday... oooo he was not free 😨

OP posts:
RandomMess · 17/06/2017 11:00

Tell him that you will agree contact to accommodate his work schedule a month in advance. Will be hysterical reading seeing just how little contact he really wants...

Original poster
ponyprincess · 17/06/2017 11:08

randomMess that is exactly it...he pretends he wants the contact and I am preventing it but in actual fact he hardly sees them and wants it all on his terms!!!!

But hard.. I want to.enforce boundaries but dc do want to see him.so don't want them to think I am.obstructing 😣

OP posts:
takeaweeseat · 17/06/2017 11:50

It's not your fault that he is refusing access, don't take on the guilt. If you're offering access and he's not taking it then that's on him. I had exactly the same, ex wanted access on his terms, I went along with it for a long time. It got to the stage it really didn't suit me or DC so I told him he could have weekends and I'd try and work something out for mid-week but he flat out refused weekends.

He came up with every excuse in the book to not take weekend access even though this was his days off and it was much easier all round on everyone. He hasn't been in touch for two months now and honestly life is much easier. Stop contacting him. Let him come to you and then you tell him what days suits you and the kids, it's that simple, he can take it or leave it.

takeaweeseat · 17/06/2017 11:54

I don't mean every weekend ^ I asked him to maybe to see DC maybe once every month at weekend and we could work out during the week...no, he was "too tired" at weekends.

AmserGwin · 17/06/2017 12:19

I would stop contacting him. If he wants to see them, it goes through you. Let him do the work

Deadsouls · 17/06/2017 12:22

He is obviously projecting all his frustration and anger onto you. It's not about you and all about him. It's best not to engage emotionally in this case. He's trying to guilt trip and pull you into his emotional vortex. I know that it doesn't take away the anger or make it easier on you.

Original poster
ponyprincess · 17/06/2017 13:09

Appreciate all the replies!!

What is hard is the dc.. they do want to see him.and he tells them I am stopping it which totally is not true..I am just trying to have some boundaries and not just yes to everything he says 😨

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takeaweeseat · 17/06/2017 13:21

I used to make excuses for my ex when my DC used to ask where he was or cried. Now I just tell them that I don't know why HE chose not to come and see them. Why should we cover their useless arses when they upset our DC. I would just then make sure they know it's not their fault, and it was more time for me and DC to spend together. They are absolutely fine with this now, they might have a little wobble but it's over very quickly.

Original poster
ponyprincess · 17/06/2017 13:30

takeaweeseat I think.you are right, I just have to accept I can't sheild them from.his nastiness. Teach them.how to cope instead.

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Deadsouls · 17/06/2017 14:43

So hard, I'm sure you're doing the very best you can dealing with a very difficult man.

StillWandering · 17/06/2017 14:53

Ex was same refused any prearranged contact.
Only wanted it on his terms which was odd afternoon when he could spare an hour with no advanced notice Hmm
Weekends didn't work as that was his private time
And weekdays didn't work as he had a social life ffs
Was beyond frustrating ! But supposedly it was all my fault keeping him from DC.

And also only wanted contact in my home with me present

Original poster
ponyprincess · 17/06/2017 15:04

deadsouls thank you!!

stillwandering do we have the same ex??!!

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Original poster
ponyprincess · 17/06/2017 15:06

Thanks to all the posters who advised about the phones- just saw a message to dd from ex that I am glad she will never see : (

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takeaweeseat · 17/06/2017 15:21

StillWanderingAngrywhat an arse. What happened in the end up? Did he keep seeing the DC?

PonyShockhe really is a effin wanker isn't he.

Original poster
ponyprincess · 17/06/2017 17:57

takeaweeseat he so totally is!!!

It is the conflct... wish dc did not have to know this but his selfish messages are hard to gloss over

Hurts to see him start to treat her like he did me... I am an adult and struggled... how does a young girl deal with it ???

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StillWandering · 17/06/2017 19:48

takeaweeseat nope he ended up leaving contact to whenever DC were in grandparents and did same dipped in and out until he eventually moved to other end of country with no forwarding address!!
Kids were informed about a 6 months or so laterAngry
DC saw him by pure coincidence recently!! They are adults now and he still refuses to share contact details

Original poster
ponyprincess · 18/06/2017 20:00

stillwandering what a twat!!!

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Original poster
ponyprincess · 02/07/2017 21:31

And now STBXH has given up his flat... he will just 'travel for work' and not have a residence...and how he will see dc???

OP posts:
RandomMess · 02/07/2017 21:36

He isn't going to bother, of course he will insist that you need to entertain him in your own - the Emperor coming to visit. Hopefully he will occasionally sweep in and take DC out for tea or away for a weekend but actually I would start hoping he just disappears tbh Sad

KOKO Flowers

Original poster
ponyprincess · 02/07/2017 21:42

Thanks randomMesss .. yes I am feeling pressured to let him.see them.at ours... but hate the idea of him.being in my space!

It is crazy as only a bit before he was 'insisting' to have them 4 days/week!!

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AmIbeingTreasonable · 02/07/2017 22:06

Please don't let him see them in your home, it's totally inappropriate plus confusing for the kids and easiest for him. Just say not appropriate, you don't have to give a reason.

Original poster
ponyprincess · 02/07/2017 22:09

amibeingtteasonable but if it is no contact otherwise?? Feel guilty!!! But angry he has let it be this way. And he will be saying I am.preventing contact. Argh!!!

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ClopySow · 02/07/2017 22:43

God this takes me back.

No to contact in your home. Insist on scheduled days for the sake of the children. Be immovable.

I bent over bacwards for my ex for years. He would disappear for weeks if i said something he didn't like. He punished me by taking it out on them. It took me 14 years to say "fuck this, i'm done". Best thing i ever did.

He doesn't deserve anything other than strictly reasonable and business like for the sake of your children. If he wants to fight it, let him take you to court. Otherwise - fuck 'im.

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