Things are 'so unfair' for STBXH

[ponyprincess]

Married 15 years, 2DC.. Forgave cheating, coped with EA with cpunselling set boundaries....but resulted 6 months silent treatment (common reaction) as things were 99% my fault and as he was sorry for the 1% I should accept that, and work on making myself acceptable to him.

After the 6 months of silent treatment (literally he would go on work trips.) and disappear for a week without notice etc) I received his message.. I was the love of his life, that is why he decided......he had to divorce me and from that day was looking for a new wife. This was followed by a long rant of how terrible I was as a wife.This is a man who never did any housework, minimal child work etc. I work fulltime, no family or nanny etc but do all.that. I replied only ok at least we agree we should divorce and filed petition.

Finally he did move out but so frustating... for divorce will not disclose finances, for contact time refuses to speak.to me only direct to children (they are only 8 and 10),cancels or expects contact last minute.... now had message about how unfair I am to him.. not even sure what I am asking, other than how to keep.sanity with someone like this? I don' t think I being unfair but find the accusations hard to deal with

You are not preventing contact. It's his responsibility to organise a safe place to see DC. This is not your home.

What ClopySow and ToadsforJustice said. Only have contact by email and when he kicks off and blames you just send a polite email pointing out the facts. You will have the evidence that he is at fault, not you. If the kids ask why he can't come to yours maybe say he's not allowed, if they ask why perhaps say it's a grown up reason and they will understand when they are grown up.

There are parks, there are restaurants, there are bowling alleys, there are loads of places he can take the kids. Your home is NOT one of them.

I know you are all right and it helps to hear it. It does feel like a slippery slope backwards if I let him be in the house.

clopysow yes the silence! We get the same here.

I am starting to realise there is no point to try to be accommodating as no matter what I do it will not be good enough and the demands will constantly shift!

DO NOT LET HIM INTO YOUR HOME.
I have a similar exh.
I do not even let him drop OFF at my new home - he waits around the corner or the DC (6&10) walk to his / home to mine. All contact is through before / after school anyway so keeps me "separate".
He is totally unreasonable - you can't be reasonable with an unreasonable person. Definitely just set out in writing what the next three months will look like, email it to him, cc in your solicitor and DO NOT DEVIATE FROM IT. If he is unable to make a contact then he simply misses it - DO NOT REARRANGE IT FOR HIM!
Sorry for all the shouty capitals but I know that's it's so difficult to accept, I still can't believe my exh is such a twat and I stayed with him! But I realise now that I'm not a twat - I was sensible and I left him to his own devices (& he is outraged that I had the temerity to let him go and haven't looked back!)

teabay thank you Ii needed those shouty capitals.😀

You are spot on, reason does not work, but it is hard to accept this!

It's really difficult to accept but slowly over the past 18 months I'm getting it!
You will too.
Stay strong, businesslike, informative and grey rock. Just repeat the boring shit over and over again and he'll get it. He won't like it though!

I'm about 12 months in and I've improved over that time but still have a way to go to be a true grey rock!

I found the BIFF helpful as a mantra for communiucation too!

Argh- he asked for contact then ine hour late, without communication-- what to do? I had.made plans and hardly have any free time- but should.I have just cancelled.my pland and left.with dc because.of.lateness? But then my plans.cancellf and they don' t see him????

Argh- what is worse typos or autocorrect?!

Honestly I would go out with DC next time, give him 10 mins or so then assume he's not coming. Don't change plans for him - basically work on fixed contact.

If you went to court that is what he'll be offered although he can't be forced to turn up for it! I think you need to play hardball with him as it's all about control

It is so frustrating!! As agree with what you so but I had made plans for breakfast with other mom so if I go out with dc must cancel my plans.. happy to have extra time with dc but feels like I can never feel sure of free time unless I hire babysitter!!!!!

I expect that is what he wants - to stop you having a social life...

If you plan something you can't take the DC to have a back up baby sitter.

KOKO - he may ramp it up in the short term, be prepared!!!

Thanks randomMess i think you might be right- he is controlling so that's one of his few ways left of doing it!!!

Repeat to self: KOKO Onwards and upwards 😊

I would always be truthful with the DC, "Dad says he is coming at x, if hasn't come by x:15 I can only assume he's changed his mind so we will go do y instead"

When they ask about why Dad hasn't turned up/is a wanker and so on just respond "I don't really know, what do you think?" TBH their responses will often be spot on...

"It's agreed that you will see Dad on a, b, c I don't know why he is lying and saying I'm stopping it - why do you think that is?" Give them permission to see him and his behaviour for what it is. Let them be reassured that you will always be honest and truthful with them over it all.

RandomMess thanks for the spot on advice just needed to hear it.

I still.struggle with wanting to shield/protect them from his twatishness, but you're right itvis better to have honesty, and support them in dealing with it so they know how, as I can't be there.forever to protect them

If they come up with silly excuses that's fine too, they may need to have a fantasy sometimes rather than face up to the truth that he is a wanker that doesn't truly love them in the way they deserve