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Original poster

Things are 'so unfair' for STBXH

143 replies

ponyprincess · 02/06/2017 16:04

Married 15 years, 2DC.. Forgave cheating, coped with EA with cpunselling set boundaries....but resulted 6 months silent treatment (common reaction) as things were 99% my fault and as he was sorry for the 1% I should accept that, and work on making myself acceptable to him.

After the 6 months of silent treatment (literally he would go on work trips.) and disappear for a week without notice etc) I received his message.. I was the love of his life, that is why he decided......he had to divorce me and from that day was looking for a new wife. This was followed by a long rant of how terrible I was as a wife.This is a man who never did any housework, minimal child work etc. I work fulltime, no family or nanny etc but do all.that. I replied only ok at least we agree we should divorce and filed petition.

Finally he did move out but so frustating... for divorce will not disclose finances, for contact time refuses to speak.to me only direct to children (they are only 8 and 10),cancels or expects contact last minute.... now had message about how unfair I am to him.. not even sure what I am asking, other than how to keep.sanity with someone like this? I don' t think I being unfair but find the accusations hard to deal with

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 03/06/2017 00:08

He's trying to control things even though you are no longer together.

With people like him, you need to play hard ball and go through legal channels to deal with it.

Do the DC have a phone that he contacts them on to make these arrangements?

Divorce or a split when you have kids, means the non resident parent has scheduled visitation in most cases.

He can stick to the arrangements, or not see his children, but don't enter into discussions with such an unreasonable man, who is basically being abusive.

Ignore him from now on, unless he's prepared to be sensible.

Nothing gets abusers more than radio silence.

QueenofEsgaroth · 03/06/2017 00:37

OP not sure how it works but can you mirror the dc's phone to yours so at least you are privy to their communication? Maybe someone on here can help you tighten security?

Mooey89 · 03/06/2017 07:16

Mine accuses me of stopping him from seeing dS too! Mine is 3! Apparently weekly contact set up by the court is not enough, I'm depriving him, I'm a disgrace, BUT if he has a charity walk (charity starts at home shit head!) or similar he doesn't hesitate to miss contact with only 15 mins notice! But IM the unreasonable one! Obviously!

Sorry. High jacked a bit there!

Original poster
ponyprincess · 03/06/2017 10:00

SandyY2K I think you are right, you cannot really discuss things with someone unreasonable. It is just so hard to let go of the expectation of reasonableness!!

Mooey89 I can totally relate, it is all about what suits them! He can cancel last minute or pretend arrangements were never in place, but he then gaslights contact time he says he 'arranged with dc' they know nothing about and when he hears they have other plans he texts them 'don't you care about me, don't you want to see me, are yout friends more important than me?' Ugh!!!

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Original poster
ponyprincess · 03/06/2017 10:04

queenofesgaroth i gave the dc phones so they could chat with him directly/not have to ask me. As they are still young I have their.passwords so can check (which he knows).. it is sometimes unpleasant reading. He seems more like the child often!!

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Original poster
ponyprincess · 03/06/2017 12:39

Mooey89 how do.you reply when he does.that?

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Mooey89 · 03/06/2017 17:50

Well, I have an injunction against him so we don't actually speak - the contact is court ordered and if he misses it he misses it. DS usually sees his grandparents instead, because they do the pick ups as he isn't allowed at my house.

We have a written contact book that goes with dS - so if he's had a fall or ill or whatever I write it in there.

Last week when he missed it I wrote that DS was disappointed and next time could he give me some notice so I could prepare DS for the fact that he couldn't make it - and he wrote back a tidal wave of abuse calling me a disgrace and that I am the one stopped him blah blah blah.

I just screen shot it, send it to my solicitor, and thank my lucky stars I left the cunt.

:)

Original poster
ponyprincess · 03/06/2017 18:12

mooey89 you are a star for coping with that sounds so difficult.

I think it is hard to let go of the idea 'if I just do x y z he will be reasonable' Your example shows that will never happen... we are not dealing with reasonable people!!. You are so well shot of him!!!!!

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BlackeyedSusan · 03/06/2017 19:18

keep the emails where he says fuck off. and screen shots. save to computer and email to a friend.

email rather than text. easier to keep the evidence.

all you have to do is offer reasonable contact. offer to let him choose a regular evening. (give him enough rope)

if he demands contact at other times state that x hours is not enough notice. it is in children's best interests that he is consistent with contact as they have to make other arrangements.

if he refuses to pick an evening, suggest that you will keep every say tuesday free (insert a day that is convenient for you)

always keep communication reasonable as if it is being presented in court. because you are going to have to show it in court at some point if he continues being an idiot.

do not let him contact them directly as he is being emotionally abusive. You need to protect them from him. keep the texts where he has said those things and email to friend etc.

QueenofEsgaroth · 03/06/2017 20:05

I second keeping records, forever, you never know when this may raise it's ugly head in the future and right now it will help you evidence his fuckwittery.

Regarding the phones is there a way you can see what he sends first so you can censor what the children see and limit any damage to them that way?

QueenofEsgaroth · 03/06/2017 20:07

On the plus side guys like this tend to get bored and find something better to do once they realise control is not an option, then they come back and have a go every now and then just because they can but in general life gets easier.

Original poster
ponyprincess · 03/06/2017 22:23

queenofesgaroth do you think censoring the communucation is ok? If something is not on
.... delete? Discuss?

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Original poster
ponyprincess · 03/06/2017 22:25

I have been doing messages via whatsapp, so I can see if he receives and I can email myself the message thread.

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RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/06/2017 22:31

Every sentence to him should involve the words "in the best interests of the children".

Take the phones off them. You gave phones because you thought it would be in the best interests of the children. Unfortunately, now you have seen how they are being misused, you have realised that having phones is not in the best interests of the children.

While you know that he would like to see the children whenever he decides, it would be in the best interests of the children to have a regular routine.

Barefoot789 · 03/06/2017 22:45

In this situation what do you do if stbxh turns up at the house to see the kids outside agreed times or after cancelling previously agreed or suggested contact? Think in the 'fuck off, I will not have you dictate when I see the kids' sort of mentality?
Sorry I know this is not my thread, I'm not seperating or divorcing but seriously think about it and I think this is exactly the sort of behaviour I could expect.

RedastheRose · 03/06/2017 22:57

ponyprincess please don't think that being reasonable gets you anywhere with a lowlife like this. He will think nothing of abusing your children and making them feel guilty, it is endlessly harmful to the children so reducing the ways in which he can harm them is all to the good. Take the phones off them and tell him that all future arrangements need to be made through you as you are worried about the effect being asked to pass messages is having on the children and they are too young to deal with it. Suggest reasonable contact on a day or days that the children are happy with and ask for alternatives in the event that those days aren't suitable. If he refuses then it is his decision to not see the DC's. Whatever angry vitriol he directs at you either ignore or minimal response is the best bet. Things like 'that's your decision' or simply 'ok' minimal thought or contact. Have a read up about 'grey rock' it takes away his control and will absolutely infuriate him.

Iloveyouthismuch · 03/06/2017 23:05

I agree with poster who said remove the phones from kids. They are way too young to be dealing with his manipulation. All contact via you until he can prove himself to have their best interest in mind and not his own. Good luck.

BlackeyedSusan · 04/06/2017 00:11

yes it is fine to remove their phones or block his number. you are acting in the best interests of the children protecting them from his emotional blackmail/abuse.

they are too young to organise their own contact. it is too much responsibility for them.

Wallywobbles · 04/06/2017 08:08

You can use an app to block your kids phones between certain hours. So you can then say that he can contact them x day at x time. I'd be shutting it down a long way so then he'd get an understanding of unfair.

Id also get a legal agreement. Tie it all down as far as possible. So he knows the result of not turning up. Unless the kids are over 13 I'd say they're to young to be organizing contact themselves.

Original poster
ponyprincess · 04/06/2017 10:17

redastherose you are right he does go straight for the guilt direct to the dc which I hate. Fine for him to cancel last minute or go silent but if they aren't free when he likes they get 'why don't you want to see me, don't you care about me?' etc. Because it's all about him of course!!

I am.taking on board the advice abput the phones thanks. I gave them with good intention as you say runrabbitrunrabbit ... he is so hostile to me even in their presence I thought this would be a way to keep.the communication between him and dc going as it would not have to involve me but it has backfired and is just another way he tries to control.and manipulate

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Original poster
ponyprincess · 04/06/2017 10:21

barefoot789 that is a good point but I would be surprised if he showed up.like that. Although he moans a lot about access and tries to paint himself as the victim, in practice he does not actually take full advantage of opportunities to see them e.g. returns them.hours earlier than agreed time (without notice!). I.think.it is more about him wanting to be in control.than him wanting to see the dc sadly

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BlackeyedSusan · 04/06/2017 13:30

keep a record of when he does not turn up on time, when he cancels, when he returns them early.

talk to your children generally about fairness in relationships and communication. friendships that are one sided. eg someone wants you to play their game all the time but will never play theirs. or cires when they suggest something different. they havbe to be given the tools to see the manipulation and what is fair for themselves.

Original poster
ponyprincess · 04/06/2017 14:19

blackedeyedsusan I see what you mean but I do struggle with that- the balance of trying to shield them from his twattery v accepting and helping them have the strength and tools to deal.with it. As they get older they will have to face more and more of it themselves.

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Mooey89 · 04/06/2017 14:54

@barefoot my ex did this.

It was horrible. I told him I would call the police, and I did.

Original poster
ponyprincess · 04/06/2017 15:58

mooey89 you are strong amazing woman!

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