Things are 'so unfair' for STBXH

[ponyprincess]

Married 15 years, 2DC.. Forgave cheating, coped with EA with cpunselling set boundaries....but resulted 6 months silent treatment (common reaction) as things were 99% my fault and as he was sorry for the 1% I should accept that, and work on making myself acceptable to him.

After the 6 months of silent treatment (literally he would go on work trips.) and disappear for a week without notice etc) I received his message.. I was the love of his life, that is why he decided......he had to divorce me and from that day was looking for a new wife. This was followed by a long rant of how terrible I was as a wife.This is a man who never did any housework, minimal child work etc. I work fulltime, no family or nanny etc but do all.that. I replied only ok at least we agree we should divorce and filed petition.

Finally he did move out but so frustating... for divorce will not disclose finances, for contact time refuses to speak.to me only direct to children (they are only 8 and 10),cancels or expects contact last minute.... now had message about how unfair I am to him.. not even sure what I am asking, other than how to keep.sanity with someone like this? I don' t think I being unfair but find the accusations hard to deal with

Pony it's all about control. This will never change sadly. You have tried to be reasonable but it won't work because he is not calling the shots. Heaven forbid that you might actually want a bit of a life, hence the early return, late/no notice canx. Hes controlling what you can/can't do which needs to stop. You need fixed contact times in place and log every time he cancels as unfortunately it looks cery much like you will end up going to court o this. It's a real pain but they don't care, so long as they can gave some sort of control. The children are way too young to arrange their own contact and he very much sounds like a narc - virtually impossible to co-parent with . 7 yrs in & my ex is still being a pain, just because he can & it makes him feel important. There's no consideration of the children's feelings or needs in any of this cos it's all about them!

I have had total silence since the fuck off message so not sure if the regular suggested day (which is the one he prefers) will go ahead. Argh!

I agree with the phone removal. Timed app is a good idea if that seems too much but you are completely within your rights to control the communication if it is negative.

Children are vulnerable because they are utterly the focus of their own world so can be badly affected in the future by being drawn into divorce politics - nothing you can say will convince them entirely that they are not in some way responsible for what is said, the only way to protect them is to not have them party to unsuitable discussion or communications. They are not messengers.

Arm them with the skills and resilience too but block the negativity as much as possible because the resilience will take time to develop. They need to know they have no influence on any outcome here, it is not their fault, they are not responsible etc. That is why it is so important to never talk down a parent to a child, never let them overhear you bitching to your friends etc because children don't think "what a bastard" they think "what did I do to make that happen, why am I not good enough etc".

Teenage years are right around the corner so you need a total grip of this now if at all possible.

This is a cheesy pep talk ... here goes

It is gut wrenching accepting that a co parent has so little regard for their children, so so disappointing that the person you chose to share your life with dropped you in it and has no intention of doing anything but tantrum and bully BUT with a good solicitor and a steely backbone you will parent those children better and give them the stability they need. You can do this quickest by resolving to be both parents, depend only on yourself and anything else is a bonus. Fuck him, he has no respect for you, if he pulls his socks up later and wants to try being a good parent great, in the meantime stop reacting and I mean completely. Beg borrow or steal - get a solicitor to act for you and do not engage with his games ever again. Push til you get what you want and start focusing on your life with your children - a nice happy stable life with no saboteurs on board.

Start now by having your solicitor send an email questioning the contact dates and proposing mediation or court by a certain date. It should be made clear by your solicitor that you will pursue costs if he forces that route. You are in charge now.

queenofesgaroth i totally needed that cheesy pep talk.thank.you!!

I think I just still.struggle how to let them know certain behaviour.not.okay but not seeming to 'talk down' ... how do you stay friendly about them.but still.enforce boundaries?? So hard!!

You don't have to stay friendly to be not bitchy.

You stay factual. Avoid expressing an opinion about him and his life. You keep discussions of him with the children to asking questions of them mostly, unless they want to ask you about his behaviour, in which case to try to be as factual and honest as is appropriate for their age.

runrabbitrunrabbit i think you are right and I react/accept too much what he says. Him 'you are a bitch'= me thinking I am. I need to disengage more

I am.taking on the fabulous advice about phones and being firm on regular contact times. Thanks for all the support helps so.much to.stay strong!!!

Argh I took.away the phones for now and can see he text 7 year old ds he is travelling on scheduled contact time but does he want to.go.away in hotel....on night he knows from prior communication ds is seeing friend. But 'let's stay in a hotel.and go horseriding'

This is what I find hard- stay firm as is not agreed time and he is putting ds in conflict as knows ds has plans and will be all'don't you care about me' if me/ds replies no. And I worry kids will not see him.at all if not on his terms....what is best- relationship with ex on his terms or 'be strong' but dc hardly see him?

It's just not appropriate for him to have phone contact direct with them when he is using it to emotionally abuse them. It needs to stop permanently.

You are dancing along to whatever tune he plays. ds can't reply without a phone.

You need to stand up for him if any bullying is due. Stop playing along.

Look up FOG, fear obligation guilt. You've been conditioned, it will take a while to undo the training and the more aware you can be the faster it will come good.

Contact dates are arranged, if your ex doesn't show that is his lookout. There is a lot of research to show that an ambivalent parent is more harmful than an absent one, consistency is key. This is why a solicitor would be a helpful go between.

For the dc do plan a and plan b, if dad turns up then great, if he is busy we wil go to xyz instead. You can't affect their disappointment but you can distract and stay stable yourself. Don't build up their hopes of contact if unlikely, don't be friendly about him, be factual and honest within age appropriate reason.

If he becomes aggressive to you or you are concerned for their wellbeing or safety in any way then arrange supervised contact or none until court. There is a very good book by Lundy Bancroft called Why Does He Do That - get yourself a copy pronto and read it with a highlighter pen, you might be surprised how much your ex shows up in that book.

I have taken the phones so ds did not see this

What is best response- let stbxh know phones are gone and reply regular contact time?

You can also arrange for the dc to have their own therapy to deal with this, might be very helpful for them later on if this becomes hinged on their decision.

I would just leave it until you get legal advice. Turn the phones off, leave yours on. He can get in touch with you if he needs to otherwise get a solicitor and make this official, no more being manipulated.

queenofesgaroth that is exactly it I feel like I've been.conditioned to be in the FOG! I am.in counselling which has helped I would never even have been able to establish any boundaries without that.

But I think.the FOG is still.influencing me
Must shake.it off!!!

Contact with a parent is supposed to be about the needs of the child. Is that the case here?

Either you or an independent person needs to talk to them (independent might be best if you have someone suitable - maybe a godparent? or a friend's parent? or great babysitter?), and see what kind of contact they want with their father.
How often? When they'd like to text/phone? Any other contact other than face to face? etc.

Then from this make your decision, and inform him of it. And take control.

Therapy for dc is a.good idea, I thunk the extra support would.be good for him.as.I can already see my dd (10) is affected by the fog.too. she is so.strong in her female friendships.but can see her fear dealing with him.😢

Thanks mummytime they do.like.to.see.him so that is why I feel guilty - but I can't just agree to everything he says as.it disrupts our lives and can't be a good.example.to dc.to schedule.our lives around him

If it is for contact tomorrow and you don't feel you have time then just text from your phone "I understand you won't make your next contact day with dc. As discussed ds has plans already so alternative contact times won't work, from now on let me know in advance if you will see dc on arranged contact days or not. Thanks.

Just reading Lundy online...the recognition.is a.relief yet at the same.time in tears!

Thanks queenofesgaroth he is.cancelling the regular time.tues and.suggesting fri but the dc have plans. Argh plus hate that he does not tell me direct about tues- text ds! But now phones gone that will change

Your reply is good- I hate that I am likely to get either nasty reply or radio.silence for a week
or two but will pull.up my big girl.pants and focus on dc!!

I really would try to get someone independent to talk to them, and find out their dream schedule. It is very easy for parents to influence their children (until they are teens and everything you want is wrong).
Do they want EOW and a mid week? What things are really crucial to their schedule? How much notice of changes?
Ideally with someone who can reassure them that it is perfectly fine to want to: go swimming instead of seeing Dad or go to a friends party. And someone who can listen if they say they feel sad because Dad is sad. Or they feel angry when he doesn't turn up.

I do strongly agree he cannot be allowed to make arrangements solely through the children - that sounds abusive at this age.

This is just him being a controlling twat. What sane reasonable parent asks their child to do something on a day they know they already have plans! He is making it all about him again, and you have to make it plain to him that he can't do that.

As awful as it is you can't allow him to blackmail you and the DC's in this way. If he would rather miss seeing his children rather than keep to the arranged day(s) then there is nothing you can do other than be there and support them.

I would suggest you text him and say something like 'as you know DS already has plans for x night but they would really like to stay in a hotel and go horse riding on another day, they have things on x,y, z days but any other day would be fine. Please let me know when you wish to go.'

If he doesn't already know that they haven't got their phones tell him that he can no longer contact them directly and he needs to make all arrangements through you.

do you have a solicitor?

No flexibility. Contact is on fixed days. Never any others until he's learnt to be reliable. Any issues back to the rule.

I probably sound pathetic but literally how do.you establish a routine with someone like this? He claims to want a regular schedule but when one is suggested 'oh I travelling for work'etc.
I have sent reasonable replies like the one suggested but either the dc get the 'oh don't you care about messages (which now they won't as phones gone thanks to great mn advice!) or I get 'stop.telling me when I cam see my own children bxxx'

queenofesgaroth i have a solicitor but that has been about finance so far... a whole other story!!