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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another Boring Prostitute/Husband one :(

675 replies

wotabastard · 30/05/2017 21:40

Opened H's gmail on his laptop totally innocuously to access mine and low and behold there was an email from u k pun tin a registration email from last Monday = (don't want to link back to that scum) As you can imagine, well, I'm shattered. Two dd's, married 2013, together over 10 years. Did some digging and managed to change his password so I could access his account but there is nothing to be seen, he's not participating in any threads at all.

I was hoping there would be a private messaging thing so I could get some cast iron proof of whatever he's engaging in, but nothing, or am I missing something? I came and did some digging here and read a few threads on the subject, saw someone advising to enter username and adultwork into google, another escort site, to find feedback, so I entered his username for the other site, and he has five positive feedback listed from 2013- April 2016 on there.
His account is not active on there though anymore, so I imagine he can easily bullshit that away, though one of the girls is literally a 10 minute from us, the others all in local cities.

I'm angry I don't have clear and irrefutable proof of communications etc. I want to be able to nail the bastard up to a fucking wall with the evidence when I confront him.

I have taken photos of everything I have found on my phone and will keep them safe until needed.

I logged out of the website I changed the password for and deleted all search history of my snooping. When he tries to log in I doubt he will suspect me, he's likely to brush it off as a glitch or attempted hack or something. He also doesn't know the password to my laptop or phone. Not out of me hiding anything, just well, WE TRUSTED EACH OTHER. What a joke.

We have been having tons of amazing sex recently too. Like, soul joining in love sex. What a dickhead.

Any advice? I'm going to get a full STI exam on Friday morning.

OP posts:
FizzyGreenWater · 05/06/2017 12:08

Yes, I would tell the school. No need to go into detail of course, they only need the detail that your DD has.

He's sorry? Well yes.

The trouble with that is that you now know that anything he says (or smirks) might or might not be the truth depending on what he wants to happen (fuck prostitutes, get my wife to forgive me, etc. etc.). So anything he says is unfortunately null and void when it comes to you making decisions. If you hadn't seen the messages, he'd still be doing it. Maybe base the truth of the 'sorrys' on that - the actions, rather than the words?

One thing I would definitely, definitely do is think about money right now, while he is a. 'sorry' and b. hoping to win you around. It may sound premature, but your best chance of getting the maximum info and access to everything you might need is NOW - while he thinks it will help his cause and probably won't be needed anyway, because you'll forgive him eventually. So - information on pensions/salary/savings - access to accounts - access to other emails - anything and everything.

It might not be needed, but if it is, later, when he's furious that you're divorcing, you won't get it from him then.

nigelsbigface · 05/06/2017 12:11

Yes I also told
School when it emerged that stbexh was having an affair with the mum of dd1's best friend... I thought it best in case anything was said at school/she became upset.
Nothing wrong with having a discreet word so they can keep an eye on her.
I sobbed whilst telling the class teacher though Blush, not sure she was prepared for that first thing of a morning!

Original poster
wotabastard · 05/06/2017 12:15

Thank you the advice, info, support. Flowers

I still can't grasp onto the words I am going to say to her. Thankfully the 2yo will be at nursery so we can just completely focus on her.

OP posts:
nigelsbigface · 05/06/2017 12:38

You just have to emphasise that it's not anything she has done and that you both love her very much-but you will be a different sort of family now... I won't lie it's a bloody horrible conversation to have to have-I still feel sick every time I think of when we spoke to our dd's... but you have done amazingly so far-you know your daughter-trust yourself to handle it well-I'm sure you will...thinking of you op xx

keepingonrunning · 05/06/2017 12:48

'Please don't send me any more communications which only highlight further that you see some women as there to cherish and some as there to use..'
No, he sees all women as resources to be used. Some for his sleazy hobbies and others as a front for his image as a respectable family man within his community. He knows he will be ostracised by many (but not all) when family, friends and colleagues see behind his pretence.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/06/2017 12:52

I would bear in mind that the less you say, the more likely she will be to ask your H questions to fill in the gaps. And that might not be good.

Obviously you don't want to go into any detail of what has actually happened - but, she will need and want concrete answers to the 'why' - why is this so bad that it can't be worked out? (the rest - the what will happen - is much easier).

I think I would expect a 10 year old to be able to understand and appreciate that you don't have 'other girlfriends' when married. I think at this age she would also need something as concrete as that to be happy with the explanation she's getting. 'Daddy did a bad thing' - she is too old to be satisfied with that I think.

I think it would be a good idea to deflect/defuse the blame/forgiveness aspect from the start. I think I would be explaining that what Daddy has done means you can't be married people any more and live in the same house, because it's not possible. You are really sad that he has done this because you didn't want to not be married any more. Yes you will 'forgive' him but that doesn't make any difference, you can't go back to being married after what has happened and that is his fault. It isn't about you being too angry to forgive him, it can't be made better by you forgiving him as that is a different thing. (This deals upfront with any future 'Mummy won't forgive me and let me back' nonsense).

He's still daddy and we have the same family, but yes things will change as you won't be a married mummy and daddy any more but a separate mummy and daddy. You could listen to her responses to this and let her know that you'll find it hard and sad too, but as a grown up you can tell her 100% that it will be fine in the end.

XxStefxX · 05/06/2017 13:00

Op you are so brave, please make sure your taking care of yourself too. Im sorry your going through this. xx

keepingonrunning · 05/06/2017 13:04

Loving relationships are made up of respect, trust, honesty and kindness. Daddy made a choice not to value us, his family, in this way.

MaccaPaccaismyNemesis · 05/06/2017 13:09

Just RTFT, you are flipping amazing. Sending you strength and Flowers

Original poster
wotabastard · 05/06/2017 13:24

He's getting very stressed about 'losing his kids' and has just stormed out to get some air. We were waiting til 3 to pick up dd. Hoping he's back soon.

OP posts:
inlectorecumbit · 05/06/2017 13:28

but not so stressed about loosing his wife tho !!

It's all his own doing his own fault. I think telling your DD is making him really face up to what he has done and there is no going back from this once she knows.
He has been hoping you will cave in and he is getting stressed because time is running out for him now.
Stay strong

kaitlinktm · 05/06/2017 13:32

Well if he is "losing his kids" whose fault is that? Does he think it's yours? Does he think you should just forget it all and carry on - is that how he would like his daughters to be treated when they grow up?

Anyway, he isn't "losing his kids" - you aren't denying him access, even though he used sex workers for years and only stopped (if he has stopped) when he got found out.

Original poster
wotabastard · 05/06/2017 13:34

Thank you. Exactly what I've been saying.

OP posts:
XxStefxX · 05/06/2017 13:40

Good point Kaitlin, what would he say to his daughters if their partners treated them like this. What a twat.

olympicsrock · 05/06/2017 13:54

He's angry and upset that he IS going to lose his kids. Some years down the line your daughters will ask why Daddy left. And you will tell them . They won't be surprised as I'm sure his shitty selfish attitude will reveal itself in other ways over the years. And they will want nothing to do with him.
I know as I am the daughter sit a man who slept with prostitutes.

MyOtherProfile · 05/06/2017 14:20

Sounds like you've made up your mind the split is permanent? Thinking of you this afternoon as you both talk to your dd.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/06/2017 14:23

Hard to feel a shred of sympathy. I'm assuming you've pointed out to him that he's lost himself his kids? Or is he of the opinion that you should absolutely completely ignore everything he's done as it's fine for him to sleep with prostitutes, betray his family and put all of your health at risk but utterly unacceptable for you to call him to account?

He's a dad of young girls who can go use a prostitute and then come home to cuddle his children using those same bloody hands, he is going to lose his children to a greater or lesser extent and it's entirely his fault.

Exactly what level of regard did he have for his children in the first place, to shit on them like this? For using prostitutes to be more important?

FizzyGreenWater · 05/06/2017 14:26

And yes, ask him what he'd want for his daughters in their life partner. Ask him how he'd feel if his daughter told him her husband had done this to her family and put his grandchild at risk.

He's lost it all and it's not even in your gift to put it back, even if you wanted to. You could forgive him for his weakness til the cows come home and you still wouldn't be able to make yourself feel the same about him or want him to be your husband.

ohforfoxsake · 05/06/2017 14:37

You'll find the words op.

Mine didn't ask questions- I don't think they want to know. My DD was 10. They love me and they love their dad. I can't stand that they love him after what he's done - to us all - but I can't take that away from them either.

You'll tread gently and you'll get it right. Flowers

IneedmoreLemonPledge · 05/06/2017 14:56

Sounds as if he needs reminding that you aren't his shoulder to lean on while he gets his head around how he's messed up his life with his selfish actions.

How dare he put that extra stress on you. It's all about him isn't it?

Stay strong Wot Flowers

neonfrog · 05/06/2017 14:59

What's the rush? It's still very early days and I don't know how you can possibly find the words to explain this situation to your child when it's still evolving.

You are putting Unnecessary pressure on yourself.

Tell your child you and DH have had a falling out and you and DH need a bit of space for a while. It's the truth. Believe me things change daily/hourly in these circumstances so keeping it simple early on helps to avoid confusion.

I really feel for you. Take time for yourself and breathe Wink

DearMrDilkington · 05/06/2017 15:05

Your handling this so well. You'll be absolutely fine in the long run, as will your daughters as they have such a strong role model to guide them.

Your husband on the other hand...

MrsRaymondReddington · 05/06/2017 15:56

I've just read nearly all of this thread. No advice. I just wanted to say that you seem like an amazing woman and mother. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It will be no consolation, but I think you will be a big inspiration for others going through similar situations. Hugs Flowers

ohforfoxsake · 05/06/2017 16:00

Thinking of you Wot.

So, so many of us have been there. It turns out ok.

BewareOfDragons · 05/06/2017 16:16

Ask him if he would be perfectly happy and content for his DDs to grow up and decide to support themselves by sleeping with lots of different men for money.

Ask him if he would be perfectly happy and content if his DDs' future husbands thought it was perfectly acceptable to sleep with prostitutes behind their backs, exposing them to god knows what.

Ask him if he would be perfectly happy and content if his future son in laws did in fact bring home STIs and pass it on to his DDs and future grandchildren by their selfishness and carelessnes from sleeping with prostitutes.

Ask him how he thinks you feel having to get yourself and your youngest daughter checked out for STIs because of his low life, cheating behaviour.

DO NOT let him minimize his behaviour with his daughter. This is entirely on him. And I completely agree with a poster above who said don't let him play the 'mummy won't forgive me' card ... irrelevant ... you can forgive him and still not want to be married to him and that is still entirely HIS fault. He needs to admit that.

Good luck.