Another Boring Prostitute/Husband one :(

[wotabastard]

Opened H's gmail on his laptop totally innocuously to access mine and low and behold there was an email from u k pun tin a registration email from last Monday = (don't want to link back to that scum) As you can imagine, well, I'm shattered. Two dd's, married 2013, together over 10 years. Did some digging and managed to change his password so I could access his account but there is nothing to be seen, he's not participating in any threads at all.

I was hoping there would be a private messaging thing so I could get some cast iron proof of whatever he's engaging in, but nothing, or am I missing something? I came and did some digging here and read a few threads on the subject, saw someone advising to enter username and adultwork into google, another escort site, to find feedback, so I entered his username for the other site, and he has five positive feedback listed from 2013- April 2016 on there.
His account is not active on there though anymore, so I imagine he can easily bullshit that away, though one of the girls is literally a 10 minute from us, the others all in local cities.

I'm angry I don't have clear and irrefutable proof of communications etc. I want to be able to nail the bastard up to a fucking wall with the evidence when I confront him.

I have taken photos of everything I have found on my phone and will keep them safe until needed.

I logged out of the website I changed the password for and deleted all search history of my snooping. When he tries to log in I doubt he will suspect me, he's likely to brush it off as a glitch or attempted hack or something. He also doesn't know the password to my laptop or phone. Not out of me hiding anything, just well, WE TRUSTED EACH OTHER. What a joke.

We have been having tons of amazing sex recently too. Like, soul joining in love sex. What a dickhead.

Any advice? I'm going to get a full STI exam on Friday morning.

She's ten? Old enough to understand that married people promise to be faithful to each other.

He has to tell her that he has made a lot of very big mistakes and told a lot of lies. He hasn't kept his promises to you and that he has had a lot of other 'girlfriends' while he was supposed to be only with you. He needs to say that he loves you all but he has to move away from you because what he has done is not something he can put right and you need to live apart so you can find a new way of being friends and not husband and wife.

He has to make it absolutely clear that this is all his fault not yours or the dcs. He also needs to make it absolutely clear he still loves them and will see them and be their dad.

Wot

Could you say something like - your mum and dad made promises to each other and one of them is not to be with another person and I'm sorry to say that your dad has broken that promise......or your dad has broken one of our promises that we made to each other......
she will understand the breaking of a promise between a mum and dad...
You don't have to say anything for now, can you say her dad's working away or on a training course?
You are an amazing woman and I'm sorry you're going through this.
Sending strength

How do you want to play it Wot?

I just can't get behind the 'he needs to tell her what he's done' advice. I'm sorry. I just don't think they need to know at this point - unless they ask. They need protecting from the truth, they need to have their relationship with their father in the future. Can a 10 yo process not just his actions, but understanding and forgiveness? Your relationship is broken, hers is not.

And that's not me saying 'let him off the hook' with his DDs, but it is about their future, and not allowing them to be caught up in this highly charged emotional time.

Your DDs love you, as you love them. You will show them what being a strong woman and a good parent is. They will not hate you because they will have your values.

But whatever you decide to tell them, it needs to be within their understanding.

I have seen friends split up and lay everything open for all to see, and it's unpleasant. Friends so emotionally invested with anger and hate that they still carry it around years later, and the DCs are still caught up in the middle of it all.

Feel your way with what you tell them. Hold back, gauge their reaction, answer their questions honestly. They may not ask you immediately.

I hope you get some sleep Wot and someone over tomorrow.

I think you know your DDs best to know what is right to tell them. Children are quite different, especially at 10. But there are some good ideas on here.

Your DD will not hate you. At all. You sound like you need a break though.

Could you just ask one of your friends for help without giving a reason? One of my friends asked this of me last year and I didn't need to know why she just told me she needed help and couldn't explain why at the moment. People won't pry if you tell them up front you just need some help. You're doing so well, stay strong.

I don't think you should lie, but your 10 year old doesn't need to know the full truth either. Perhaps simply say, 'Dad has broken a promise he made to Mum, it is a very important promise and breaking it means that Mum and Dad can't live together now. Dad is going to find somewhere for him to live but it will take a little while for everything to be sorted out. Both Mum and Dad will always love you and we will always put you first.'

I was 8 years old when my dad was suspected of having an affair.

I knew at that age that an affair was something that was very wrong.

Kids this age are just young but not stupid.

I think Red's advice is spot on, it's enough information for DD to understand what's going to happen but not too much that it puts her in the middle of it all. I agree with ohfor that too much detail is unfair on DC and puts too much weight on young shoulders but Red's suggestion strikes a good balance imo.

What redastherose said is spot on

Red gets my vote to.

Just curious to know, from those who used the 'broken promise' explanation for young children - did this have any effect on how they understood promises working? Ie if I break an important promise I'll get sent away...?

You could say it's an important promise that grown ups make when they get married.

Thinking of you often. So much love xxx

Don't like the promise idea. I think we all break promises for all sorts of reasons. Sending someone away because of a broken promise is scary for a child to hear.

I'd try to relate it to something your 10 year old has been through. If a friendship of hers died. Something like that. Explain that adults decide to go separate ways too. Sometimes , just like in friendships, Mums and dads decide to go their separate ways because they can't get along any more. It happens to lots of Mums and dads and it's is NEVER THE FAULT OF THE CHILDREN.

She will still see dad and she'll live with mum and everything will be fine. These things happen , they are a little sad to start with but the sadness always goes away.

Some truth but not enough to scare her. Allowing her to know that walking away is sometimes the right thing to do. Empowering her own self respect

I would say that dad's behaviour hurt you very badly, and that you both can't stay together anymore but that the DC will always be YOUR priority (don't speak for him as he obviously does not prioritise them) and you will do what you can to ensure they're loved, safe and looked after.

Thanks guys lots to think about.

Heading over to parents soon. Day of fun and r&r in the country!

Soon as I heard mum's voice I burst into tears. So weird. Managed to pull it together and feel cheerful and positive about the day now.

I hope it's sunny where you are. Have a lovely fun day with your DDs. Maybe your Mum might have some good advice as to what to say to DD.Try and have a good day

DDs won't hate you for being on the receiving end of their father's sexual incontinence. They will love you for your example of strong, principled relationship values.

I hope you all have a peaceful and rewarding day today.

Wot you are bloody amazing. I've read some threads on here that will stick with me forever and your Tarantino phone episode certainly will!!
Keep strong, every day will present its challenges but be sure to seek support.m not just online but in RL from people who really know you!

Wot I'm so glad you are heading to your mum. Have a lovely day take as much r&r as you need and don't go home unless you need to. Let your mum look after you all for awhile.

I'm glad you're getting away for a bit. Have a good day Wot.

Got this after not a single text or call asking how we are all day:

'please keep me in the loop as its killing me not seeing the girls all day'

um, why don't you fucking ask?

*everyday not all day sorry

He took himself out the loop.

Hope you're ok.