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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another Boring Prostitute/Husband one :(

675 replies

wotabastard · 30/05/2017 21:40

Opened H's gmail on his laptop totally innocuously to access mine and low and behold there was an email from u k pun tin a registration email from last Monday = (don't want to link back to that scum) As you can imagine, well, I'm shattered. Two dd's, married 2013, together over 10 years. Did some digging and managed to change his password so I could access his account but there is nothing to be seen, he's not participating in any threads at all.

I was hoping there would be a private messaging thing so I could get some cast iron proof of whatever he's engaging in, but nothing, or am I missing something? I came and did some digging here and read a few threads on the subject, saw someone advising to enter username and adultwork into google, another escort site, to find feedback, so I entered his username for the other site, and he has five positive feedback listed from 2013- April 2016 on there.
His account is not active on there though anymore, so I imagine he can easily bullshit that away, though one of the girls is literally a 10 minute from us, the others all in local cities.

I'm angry I don't have clear and irrefutable proof of communications etc. I want to be able to nail the bastard up to a fucking wall with the evidence when I confront him.

I have taken photos of everything I have found on my phone and will keep them safe until needed.

I logged out of the website I changed the password for and deleted all search history of my snooping. When he tries to log in I doubt he will suspect me, he's likely to brush it off as a glitch or attempted hack or something. He also doesn't know the password to my laptop or phone. Not out of me hiding anything, just well, WE TRUSTED EACH OTHER. What a joke.

We have been having tons of amazing sex recently too. Like, soul joining in love sex. What a dickhead.

Any advice? I'm going to get a full STI exam on Friday morning.

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/06/2017 19:09

Yuck.

HelenaDove · 03/06/2017 19:11

If he does pull the crying trick or any other tactic Wot just remember how he smirked at you when you first confronted him, THAT is the real him. He views you and your marriage with absolute contempt.

PoorYorick · 03/06/2017 19:17

Hmmm i wonder if any recent threads have been started on that site by someone who has just had his wife find out and how can he salvage things.

I definitely see why you would wonder that, but that would necessitate having a discussion in which women are understood to have their own thoughts, feelings, desires and narratives that are completely independent from men and have nothing to do with what punters want to do with their shrivelled worthless dicks. In other words, it would involve thinking of women as actual human beings. So for that reason, I think it unlikely.

I do wish they'd piss off and stop starting threads over here though. I can't be the only one who's noticed the influx of male users since we made fun of those bell ends a few months ago. Funny how easy it is to make them feel threatened..

ohforfoxsake · 03/06/2017 19:21

Helenadove makes a good point about compartmentalising. I think in some cases there is a sense of them doing nothing wrong as In their head it's nothing to do with you/family/real life.

There might be a 'I couldn't help it, I have a problem, I need help' coming.

It horrified me that XH is the father of daughters and behaves in this way.

I told XHs sisters. Never told his parents the truth.

HelenaDove · 03/06/2017 19:21

Excellent point well made Yorick.

HelenaDove · 03/06/2017 19:24

"I couldn't help it, I have a problem, I need help"

I have no doubt this will be wheeled out.

If it is just remember the smirking Wot
Remember the smirking.

Chaotica · 03/06/2017 19:33

Yes: remember the smirking. And stay strong.

I'd be waiting for the 'I have a problem' line too. 'It's an addiction. I can't help it.' Bullshit.

Chaotica · 03/06/2017 19:36

Well said, Yorick. But never underestimate how hypocritical these scum can get. XP still has a habit of calling other people misogynists, or getting irate about the terrible working conditions some people have to endure... Like in brothels, perhaps?

PoorYorick · 03/06/2017 19:58

Well said, Yorick. But never underestimate how hypocritical these scum can get.

Eh, I guess you're right. Besides, being suddenly tossed out on your ear is one way to recognise a woman's agency.

Chaotica · 03/06/2017 20:23

That's a good reminder of it, certainly. Smile As is said woman getting on with her life fine without you.

Original poster
wotabastard · 03/06/2017 21:17

I'm just sitting in the little dd's room and he's reading to the big un. Im waiting for him to finish and then I'm going to ask him to leave I'm not able to talk tonight. I want to sleep.

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 03/06/2017 21:22

I really hope you are ok Wot well as ok as you can be. Maybe you should have your mum on hand to come stay for a couple of days to help with your wee ones. It just gives you some space that if you need to scream or take a walk you can. Especially if angry is how you are feeling at the moment it's a really hard emotion to hide. Your girls deserve a mummy that can get the space she needs and you deserve to be able to process your emotions without juggling a toddler.

Original poster
wotabastard · 03/06/2017 21:46

Aw bless him he thought he could sleep on the sofa so he could get the girls up and give them breakfast so I could get a rest. Grin

Um. Yeah. Nope.

OP posts:
Mustang27 · 03/06/2017 21:49

Is he off his nut??? Are you ok? I hope you get some all deserved rest tonight and a less rainy day so maybe a chance to grab some fresh air tomorrow.

Thebluedog · 03/06/2017 21:55

Good for you OP, you've been so strong and kept your dignity. Your girls will be proud and so should you Flowers

Original poster
wotabastard · 03/06/2017 22:04

He's gone. I told him to sit in the kitchen for a bit so the big one would be asleep when he went. I glowered at him from across the table and he just had his head bent in shame. We didn't speak for several minutes. Then he choked 'can I go' and said he was so sorry several times before shuffling off.

I feel like a wire cage with my flesh and organs dancing around inside. I have much more to say, but I can't right now.

Thank you for keeping me company in this weird limbo for another day.

OP posts:
Moussemoose · 03/06/2017 22:05

Just doesn't get it does he?

It must be so hard but you know this is the right thing, the only thing you can do and still live with yourself. Flowers

ohforfoxsake · 03/06/2017 22:10

He doesn't get it, no. It hasn't sunk in - he didn't realise the enormity of his actions until he was found out. Naive and stupid at best.

You've done really well tonight Wot. I remember feeling as though I was at the foot of a mountain that I needed to climb.

Baby steps.

Sleep well and try to get some rest. Flowers

Original poster
wotabastard · 03/06/2017 22:13

I feel detached and numb and traumatised. I can't believe he's done this. I am going to carry this for the rest of my life. Going to get a referral to a counsellor on Monday if possible. New waves of shock hit me every day.

Going to get someone round tomorrow. Maybe they could take the girls out for a bit or let me go out by myself.

OP posts:
Amoamasamat · 03/06/2017 22:15

Could you phone a friend now?

Original poster
wotabastard · 03/06/2017 22:24

I can't bear to speak to anyone just now I'm so tired too.
I'm in bed. Please help me what can we say to my dd. She needs to know. She's going to hate me.

OP posts:
Lunagirl · 03/06/2017 22:24

You're doing absolutely fantastic, wot. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this FlowersFlowers

Mustang27 · 03/06/2017 22:31

Your dd will not hate you.

He better be prepared to find if she ever finds out what he has done that she may hate him though.

Tell the truth mostly say that their father has been unkind and done something really awful to you and you can no longer live together as you don't trust him. Let her know how important love and trust in relationships are and once that is damaged on this scale it is very hard to fix.

She will understand for sure and be heart broken but this is NOT your fault this is his doing and he needs to be the one to tell your girls with you present of course. Let her ask questions and reassure her that she can see her father whenever she wants. Which means he will need to sort something that isn't a hotel!!!

Counsellor is a brilliant idea it will be awful but it is wonderful to out pour to someone that has no idea who you are or he is. Plus they can reassure you that any emotions you are having are normal and help with some coping techniques. Please don't joke about playing with buses again no matter how lovely he pretended to be he would never be worth that.

Do get someone to come over for the girls and do something you enjoy for a couple of hours tomorrow. You will barely be able to focus but it will be good for you.

Hidingtonothing · 03/06/2017 22:33

Apologies Wot but could you remind me how old your DC are, just so we can be thinking about an age appropriate way to broach telling them? If a few of us chip in with some ideas it might give you a starting point at least. For tonight though get some rest, you sound utterly exhausted and everything will feel harder because of it. Sending you a massive hug and really don't care that it's not the MN way Flowers

Original poster
wotabastard · 03/06/2017 22:34

10 & 2

OP posts: