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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another Boring Prostitute/Husband one :(

675 replies

wotabastard · 30/05/2017 21:40

Opened H's gmail on his laptop totally innocuously to access mine and low and behold there was an email from u k pun tin a registration email from last Monday = (don't want to link back to that scum) As you can imagine, well, I'm shattered. Two dd's, married 2013, together over 10 years. Did some digging and managed to change his password so I could access his account but there is nothing to be seen, he's not participating in any threads at all.

I was hoping there would be a private messaging thing so I could get some cast iron proof of whatever he's engaging in, but nothing, or am I missing something? I came and did some digging here and read a few threads on the subject, saw someone advising to enter username and adultwork into google, another escort site, to find feedback, so I entered his username for the other site, and he has five positive feedback listed from 2013- April 2016 on there.
His account is not active on there though anymore, so I imagine he can easily bullshit that away, though one of the girls is literally a 10 minute from us, the others all in local cities.

I'm angry I don't have clear and irrefutable proof of communications etc. I want to be able to nail the bastard up to a fucking wall with the evidence when I confront him.

I have taken photos of everything I have found on my phone and will keep them safe until needed.

I logged out of the website I changed the password for and deleted all search history of my snooping. When he tries to log in I doubt he will suspect me, he's likely to brush it off as a glitch or attempted hack or something. He also doesn't know the password to my laptop or phone. Not out of me hiding anything, just well, WE TRUSTED EACH OTHER. What a joke.

We have been having tons of amazing sex recently too. Like, soul joining in love sex. What a dickhead.

Any advice? I'm going to get a full STI exam on Friday morning.

OP posts:
RavioliOnToast · 03/06/2017 17:05

I'm reading this thread in complete awe of you, OP. You're a fucking superstar.

Original poster
wotabastard · 03/06/2017 17:08

I am so fucking angry. He needs to tell his sister pronto or he's not coming in tonight. I'm alone with the dc, holding it all together, holding myself together when jumping in front of a bus suddenly seems like a fun way to spend your weekend and he is not feeling the wrath of anyone who is not me. So unfair. I want him to have to make a call like I had to when I rang my folks. It is excruciating. He says he will do whatever it takes, but he's not done anything yet. I am so angry, so angry.

I realise that he has been stuck in work all day, and making a call like that is not something you can just squueze in on your tea break but ffs, couldnt he ask for some time off, or just say he has an appointment? He's not indispensable!!!!!!

We'll leave Aunt for now, I don't want her to be having to listen to that yet.

I've said he must call sis as soon as he leaves work.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 03/06/2017 17:14

I think he thinks that he will be able to talk you round tonight.

Get ready for the emotional blackmail tactic of crying.

Original poster
wotabastard · 03/06/2017 17:16

He rang sis but implied he might have cheated and I've kicked him out. Fucking raging.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 03/06/2017 17:18

Ring her yourself and tell her Do not let him get away with lying.

jeaux90 · 03/06/2017 17:19

He's going to minimise. It doesn't matter what he does or says. You know the truth

HelenaDove · 03/06/2017 17:20

he MIGHT have cheated. ........................oh hang on i bet hes lead her to believe you have kicked him out for a drunken one night stand which he can barely remember doing. (though i would end a relationship for that) he is NEVER going to tell the truth wot.

Original poster
wotabastard · 03/06/2017 17:23

I texted her 'ring him back and ask that grade A cunt for the truth'

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 03/06/2017 17:25

You rock Wine

Hobbitch · 03/06/2017 17:25

I've just caught up with this. Wot you are handling this so well, you rock. Your husband never deserved you. Onwards and upwards, you're showing your daughters what a strong woman is, I'm sure they couldn't ask for a better mum.

Chaotica · 03/06/2017 17:28

Nice one Wotabastard. I'd just tell his sister yourself (although she might have found out herself by now).

I told XP's dad myself because he happened to phone us. I don't whether XP ever told him himself. I nearly posted the truth on his own FB too just to make things clear (and I could have got into his account) but I stopped myself.

Cary2012 · 03/06/2017 17:29

He left when you confronted him, because he knows what a strong woman you are, and that he had to go because there is no way on earth you would have let him stay.

He's had a couple of days to alternate between feeling like the prat he is, knowing what he's done has lost him his family, and feeling sorry for himself, justifying it to himself.

You know him, we don't. He might be honest, open, beg for forgiveness and agree to anything you ask, or he might try to justify his stupidity, and minimise like mad saying 'all men look do stuff like that, and it's not a big deal.' Or he might say something else.

It doesn't matter what he says.
All that matters is you. You and those lovely girls.

I think it's very early days and this talk is too soon to discuss you and him. What is important is agreeing a routine that suits you both regarding your girls and him seeing them.

If you feel emotional and don't want to hear his version of events, or promises for the future, tell him that. Say you need time, and you'll let him know if and when you want to talk about you two.

You don't need anymore drama, so make sure that he leaves if it gets too much.

You hold all the cards, you need to focus on you and your needs.

Best advice I ever got was 'Treat yourself as you would your best friend', so do that.

Take care.

Brenna24 · 03/06/2017 17:30

I have just read the whole thread through and you have done so well. Perfect way to confront him. You are amazing. I am so sorry he has done this to you. One day he is going to realise what an idiot he is.

As for this line

'ring him back and ask that grade A cunt for the truth

it is just perfect. Well done.

toffeeboffin · 03/06/2017 17:36

Awesome wot.

Stay strong, you are brilliant!

The dogs bollocks.

happymumof4crazykids · 03/06/2017 17:42

Wow op you have been so strong and altogether amazing in the way you are dealing with this!
I can't imagine the pain and hurt you are feeling but just had to say after reading your posts that you sound like a Fantastic role model for your girls. Please stay strong and I hope you and your children have a great and happy future without someone who treated you so badly Flowers

mynameislolita · 03/06/2017 17:50

.

Original poster
wotabastard · 03/06/2017 17:50

He told her. Well done coward.

OP posts:
peaceout · 03/06/2017 17:56

the way he backed down very quickly, and left and is now promising to do whatever it takes suggests to me that there is more, he is counting his blessings that you dont know the full story and is keeping quiet so that he doesnt dig a bigger hole for himself.

What would lead a man to take up this kind of prostitute hobby....where'd he get this desire for variety in his sex life

my guess it started with casual hook up sites where he had some success but became frustrated that its very difficult for the average man to 'score' on those sites. The men outnumber women 10:1 and the women tend to mess the men around a lot.
I'd say he 'graduated' to visiting prostitutes because a hassle free way to get what he wanted

Hidingtonothing · 03/06/2017 17:57

I'm a bit concerned about the plan for you and he to talk tonight Wot, he's still trying to minimise what he's done and I can't see how the conversation can possibly be helpful or productive for you in any way if he can't even own what he's done.

Everything that happens in the coming days and weeks has to be geared towards protecting the DC and your MH/emotional wellbeing and I'm not sure listening to him try to play this down, justify his disgusting behaviour or wallow in his self inflicted, self indulgent misery is a good idea for you.

I do think you need an outlet for your (totally justified) anger though, is there any way you could organise some child free time for yourself so you can let rip to a friend or relative? We're here, you know that but I can't help but think you need a bloody good rant/cry/hug from someone close in RL.

PoorYorick · 03/06/2017 18:00

It's definitely you on the Wonder Woman posters.

HelenaDove · 03/06/2017 18:14

Agree with Hiding If he cant own what hes done..........dont engage.

Except to talk about Child Support or contact time.

MyOtherProfile · 03/06/2017 18:15

Just rtft. Well done OP. You're doing really well. Hope you're ok this evening.

HelenaDove · 03/06/2017 18:22

Hmmm i wonder if any recent threads have been started on that site by someone who has just had his wife find out and how can he salvage things.

Just pondering.

Chaotica · 03/06/2017 18:27

I would agree with all those who have suggested that you don't have to sit and listen to minimising crap. Not that you sound like the sort of person who will.

I got all that, begging for forgiveness and another chance, and promises of change... and then within 12 hours XP was back in a brothel. After that, I was so mad I couldn't talk to him anyway.

You are quite within your rights to refuse to engage. After all, he has disengaged from family life by doing what he's doing.

peaceout · 03/06/2017 18:56

wonder if any recent threads have been started on that site by someone who has just had his wife find out and how can he salvage things
no double the 'service users' community will have collaborated to form a strategy to deal with this sort of situation