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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Another Boring Prostitute/Husband one :(

675 replies

wotabastard · 30/05/2017 21:40

Opened H's gmail on his laptop totally innocuously to access mine and low and behold there was an email from u k pun tin a registration email from last Monday = (don't want to link back to that scum) As you can imagine, well, I'm shattered. Two dd's, married 2013, together over 10 years. Did some digging and managed to change his password so I could access his account but there is nothing to be seen, he's not participating in any threads at all.

I was hoping there would be a private messaging thing so I could get some cast iron proof of whatever he's engaging in, but nothing, or am I missing something? I came and did some digging here and read a few threads on the subject, saw someone advising to enter username and adultwork into google, another escort site, to find feedback, so I entered his username for the other site, and he has five positive feedback listed from 2013- April 2016 on there.
His account is not active on there though anymore, so I imagine he can easily bullshit that away, though one of the girls is literally a 10 minute from us, the others all in local cities.

I'm angry I don't have clear and irrefutable proof of communications etc. I want to be able to nail the bastard up to a fucking wall with the evidence when I confront him.

I have taken photos of everything I have found on my phone and will keep them safe until needed.

I logged out of the website I changed the password for and deleted all search history of my snooping. When he tries to log in I doubt he will suspect me, he's likely to brush it off as a glitch or attempted hack or something. He also doesn't know the password to my laptop or phone. Not out of me hiding anything, just well, WE TRUSTED EACH OTHER. What a joke.

We have been having tons of amazing sex recently too. Like, soul joining in love sex. What a dickhead.

Any advice? I'm going to get a full STI exam on Friday morning.

OP posts:
Bedsheets4knickers · 02/06/2017 08:43

Hugs Op, your exactly the type of woman I want my daughter to grow up to be .. I'm sorry your going through this . He's a shit , your better of without him .. good luck today x

CalmItKermitt · 02/06/2017 08:47

You're amazing 💐

Underthemoonlight · 02/06/2017 08:51

Op it's one thing to cheat with on a one night stand another to start an affair but something else to pay for a string of woman for sexual favours. You done amazing well, he should be on his knees begging for forgiveness but the fact he hasn't just shown his character. You and your children deserve better. Don't feel guilty about not being a couple anymore this was not your doing. Imagine if this was your dd what would you tell her to do? Show your DC that you can do it and stand on our own feet together.

nigelsbigface · 02/06/2017 09:12

Just to say thinking about you-these first says are he hard yards op...hang in there Flowers

ohforfoxsake · 02/06/2017 09:31

@wotabastard ** I've been where you are, it's utterly shit. But when it came to telling the children I took the line that we didn't love each other anymore and couldn't stay married.

Yes, to some it might seem as though he got away with it, but my DCs still need to have a healthy relationship with their dad. XH will always be in my life because if them, so it needs to be workable. Plus I didn't want to use my energy being angry forever.

We told them together, but I did the talking (he'd have fucked that up too).

I am, to this day, ashamed of him. The anger has turned into pity. He blamed me, blamed the youngest, never took responsibility, never fought for his family, never said sorry.

I can't stand him but can't cut him off for another 8 years. He sees the children, he pays maintenance. I tell myself I'm lucky in that respect.

I would say look longer term, go to mediation, get a court order, protect your children from the truth about their dad. I'm three years on now and happy to be doing this alone, my life is a million times better without him. I still can't believe he threw us away for his cock mind you.

ohforfoxsake · 02/06/2017 09:43

@wotabastard I don't think I emphasised this enough - but please, please take the lead telling the children. He will put a spin on it and make it about how unhappy he is, and how it wasn't his fault. Please don't let him take them away and tell them on his own. You need to be there for them, reassure them that it WILL be ok, and you need to know first hand what he says. You can't ask them afterwards. It's incredibly hard, but comes with some sense of relief.

You are most definitely up to this. You will get them through it. Flowers

EndInjustice · 02/06/2017 10:17

He will put a spin on it and make it about how unhappy he is, and how it wasn't his fault. Please don't let him take them away and tell them on his own.

^^ Damn right. For a person without honour this is the advantage they will try to take given the opportunity.

kaitlinktm · 02/06/2017 10:40

Agree with pp - we told our children "together" after agreement and I was waiting for him to mention the OW but he just didn't. I let him finish and they went off (they were teenagers) and I asked him why. He said they didn't need to know that yet. I then told them myself at the first opportunity - without him there. Well he had his chance. I am sure he would have downplayed things if he had done it - especially alone.

They get on ok with him now (they are in their 30s) but I think really they have his measure. He lives abroad and has never really taken the trouble to keep in touch - they are more like drinking buddies now if he ever comes over.

purplecoathanger · 02/06/2017 11:25

I think it's wrong to tell your children the sordid details, they don't need to know. All children want is for both parents to love them and be around for them.

Telling them stuff that shows their dad in a bad light is just an attempt to get them to take sides, which is out of order.

kittybiscuits · 02/06/2017 11:27

If he's going to present himself as the wounded party, I would say that daddy has made some decisions that mean you and he can no longer be together and you have both agreed to separate.

kittybiscuits · 02/06/2017 11:34

And I would warn him that any attempt to portray himself as the victim to DCs, friends or family would unfortunately leave you no option other than to show people the evidence of the reason for the separation.

ohforfoxsake · 02/06/2017 11:38

I'm sorry but I think thats too ambiguous Kitty.

I've vowed to myself to answer questions honestly when/if asked (I think mine suspect, but don't want to know).

No details, no blame.

"Mrs Wotabastard and Mr Wotabastard (refer to yourself by first names OP) are broken, but we are still Mummy and Daddy, and that will never change."

This is all about getting the children through it. This is pivotal in their lives. They will remember this moment. Tread kindly and gently for their sake.

We all know he doesn't deserve it, but they do. And they are way more important than him.

ohforfoxsake · 02/06/2017 11:40

That's in reference to your first post Kitty. As for family and friends, yeh, tell them. I wouldn't even use it as a threat.

YorkshireTree · 02/06/2017 13:01

Some great advice here and you have been a pillar of strength OP. Respect!

BewareOfDragons · 02/06/2017 13:22

I agree with others that you should be there when he tells the children he has to leave. He will spin this to look good for him and blame you if you're not there.

wotabastard · 02/06/2017 13:39

Sorry for any confusion but I have absolutely no intention of being anywhere other than my children's sides when the news is broken. Of course I will be there! He will not be able to spin anything.

I'm not rushing anything when it comes to them, I'm working everything through in my head for now and will meet up with him to talk through the approach before we get on with it.

I'm taking on board everyone's advice and I really appreciate you all taking the time out of your day to do that. Flowers

OP posts:
wotabastard · 02/06/2017 13:40

Went to the clinic, as I have no symptoms they can't get me in til 21st June.

OP posts:
GirlOnATrainToShite · 02/06/2017 13:43

You can get a home kit for Chlamydia.

hellsbellsmelons · 02/06/2017 14:03

What??? - do you have a local GUM clinic or SHAW clinic?
They have walk in days.
Did you tell them your 'D'H has been sleeping with prostitutes??

AdoraBell · 02/06/2017 14:04

Boots have the home test kits, I think they are free.

You are doing so well wot Thanks

GirlOnATrainToShite · 02/06/2017 14:12

hells that's pretty normal in GUM clinic (partners of people who have shagged whores).

The wait will not harm the OP physically, mentally yes it's not nice.

Chaotica · 02/06/2017 14:13

Isn't there a walk-in clinic? That is terrible.

You're doing really well OP.

On the subject of telling people, you sound like you're doing it right. I was honest with friends and family except if I thought they were too delicate to know.

I did tell the DC the reason for the split but that was because XP didn't give me a chance to talk to them with him (he wanted to pretend it wasn't happening) and one of them overheard the row when I found out that despite this he was seeing prostitutes when he should have been looking after them. I had to think of an age appropriate way to explain...

wotabastard · 02/06/2017 14:22

Anyway, yesterday.

Youngest got picked up and I went and sat in the kitchen and forced myself to drink a cup of tea and eat some toast. I wanted to be sick with every bite but I knew I needed the energy or I'd keel over. I'd been going through my speech all night long, I barely slept an hour I think.

I was sitting there thinking, on the other side of that door is the start of the rest of my life. Nothing will ever be the same after this. I need to just stand up and fucking do it.

I looked at all the messages I had taken to remind myself it was real and that it really was him who was doing this. That gave me the shove to get up and get it started. Because I knew how likely it was that he would react on the offensive I knew I had to be in a position of power the whole time. I decided to take the house phone that was easy to dial with me. He was still in bed so I would be standing over him when I started.

I strode into the bedroom and said

"Right, fucker, listen up. I know, I know everything."

he's in bed and smirks, clearly amused by this mad woman who has just barged in and he starts to say

"what do you know, I've no idea what you are on about."

"The prostitutes. I know about the prostitutes. It is up, it is over, the game is over. Now you are going to shut the fuck up, you are not going to say a fucking word, you are not going to move a fucking muscle, don't you dare get out of that fucking bed or I will call the police and say I am confronting my husband about his prostitution addiction and he is threatening to hurt me."

His face went through about 3,000 emotions at this point, but he still managed to look amused like she's not really got the proof I can still bullshit out of this confident look on his face. Hahahahaa. Not.

I waved the phone in my hand and repeated my point,

"move, I call the police, speak, I call the police, and they will come and arrest you. It is my turn to talk, and you will lie there and fucking listen until I say you can go. I do not want to hear any bullshit, any explanations, anything"

He nods and is like "ok, ok" and shakes his hands out in front of him and starts to look terrified. But he still sighs like he's going to say 'I was just looking'

I am livid and rushing now and so glad I have the power. So glad he can't speak or move. He is literally powerless.

I told him how I found his email open and the saw the bunting account and hes still doing the 'just looking' sigh but then I tell him how I took his phone when he was sleeping and how I know. I KNOW. And he melts into the bed and just dies emotionally. A few times he attempted to speak and I just cut him off and shouted, "I will ring the fucking police!" and he wanted the toilet and I told him to piss himself.

He has admitted full responsibility and he is completely full of remorse. He never blamed me, so unfortunately there was no bingo to be played. I wonder if it was the way I went in for the kill, literally didn't want to give him a millimetre to shirk or excuse himself. Who knows.

He got his stuff and went.

OP posts:
ohforfoxsake · 02/06/2017 14:25

Good god Chaotica that's bloody awfuL.

Wotabastard your posts have resonated with me, even down to the shaking as you locked yourself away with his phone.

So many men who think it's ok, and so many of us picking up the pieces for our DCs. I will never understand it.

ProseccoBitch · 02/06/2017 14:25

You are amazing OP. Read that post back whenever you have a wobble.

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