Monster in law

[Rainsbow]

I hate her. Just full stop. Everything she does is bloody annoying, rude, irritating, exasperating etc etc. I've managed to avoid seeing her and speaking to her since December. Dp and I are getting married soon so obviously she'll be there and I dread it. Dp has met up with his folks several times and just excuses me going too. Not sure what the point of this is but I worry about it big time. His parents are potentially coming here next month (they live 100miles away) and I really think I'm going to book into a hotel. On the contrary, I get on so so well with my own mum, I see her every day.

Can you be more specific? If you can give an example of what led you to feeling like this it would be helpful. Sorry you are feeling this way.

I'm not sure why you getting on with your own mum is relevant. It's a completely different relationship.

What is it that she does that's so awful?

why do you hate her Whats she actually done?

Well depends what she does/did to make you feel this way.

She has to know EVERYTHING; she's so nosey. One of those people who needs constant attention rather than happily sitting in silence for a while. She's made several crass comments over the fact I had my dd1 young (previous relationship) aged 21. My parents see the kids every single day, they see them 4/5x a year compared to their other grandchildren monthly. She comments if I've put on weight (I'm 8st10lb), she gave us a list of people SHE wanted invited to OUR wedding. She commented on me being in a bad mood patronisingly with "oh you get bad monthlies don't you". I could go on. It's been 5 months since I saw or spoke to her and I would happily continue this way forever if it wasn't for the wedding.

What does your fiancé think of his mother talking to you like this?. How does he get on with her these days?. What is his dad like?.

I can see why you find her irritating but it's a bit off to complain that she doesn't see her grandchildren that often when she lives so far away and you don't like her (which I'm sure must be obvious!).

His dad is meek and lacks confidence. Initially dp would defend her and say I'm over sensitive. 5.5 years passed and now he just doesn't expect me to meet up with them, it's just a "thing" if you like.

Meh she sounds like a twat but not a monster.
Also u can't really complain they don't see the kids when you're more than happy to be mostly NC and they live far away.

What's NC?

Yes happily they live far away. But it means when they do come they stay hence me wanting to crash at a travel lodge.

NC is no contact.

Do you really think you can't be civil to her while she's visiting? My MIL is very difficult but she's family so we just do our best.

NC is no contact I believe, I feel the same about my MIL, I feel like I have to be walking on eggshells around her, she will get in a strop very easily, and there have been times when my OH has said the wrong thing or pissed her off and she just storms off, he then has to go after her and sort it out, she will send nasty messages on occasion mainly to him, but there was one to me calling me a cunt, I told OH and he just said oh you know what she's like....She is all woe is me type of attitude and likes to play black sheep, she can be ok sometimes, only sometimes! I would happily never have to see her again!

Ok monster may be the wrong term; she's just a massive twatwomble.

She'll take over on the wedding day. She'll tell me she hates my dress or what SHE would have done differently. She'll moan about the food being too hot, too cold, too much, too little, too dry, too moist.

I'm mentally slapping her even typing this.

She doesn't sound like a monster so far op. Irritating, certainly.. to you. It's always good to look at ourselves first when we have an intense dislike for someone.

"His dad is meek and lacks confidence. Initially dp would defend her and say I'm over sensitive. 5.5 years passed and now he just doesn't expect me to meet up with them, it's just a "thing" if you like".

A pity you did not walk away back then when he accused you of being over sensitive. Being "over sensitive" as well is a charge laid at the feet of now adult offspring but their own inadequate parents.

Its more than just a "thing" though and I would also say like father like son. He has not made much if any progress re his mother in the last five years. He is still very much afraid of her as is her own H (partly also because of his wife).

Your partner's own inertia when it comes to his mother is hurting him as well as you. He is likely also to be in a fear, obligation and guilt state when it comes to her as well. He may well revert to child mode in her presence and cannot or equally will not deal with her comments. It could be argued that by you copping her barbs he does not have to deal with the fact that his mother is not as nice as he has been conditioned to believe. He can and does actively avoid confronting his mother over her behaviours, her own H does the same. Everyone in her family unit has basically cowered in front of her and made her behaviours worse. If he cannot assert himself here he is not going to do that for you.

Do you know how he excuses your absence on his visits back to his parents?

You need to have firm and consistent boundaries at the very least. If anyone books themselves into a hotel next month it should be they and not you.

You may well be setting yourself up for years more of this from his mother particularly after you marry because such people do not change.

Attila that all sounds very psychoanalytical

Well that is as may be but you clearly have not come across anyone like his mother before now. Its not your fault she is the ways she is.

Disengage. It's your wedding. Do what you want. Invite who you want. It's your day.

Don't enter into any discussions with her about it (unless she's sending money to pay for xyz).

My mil was like this. Wanted to come to dress fittings then told me my dress was all wrong.

Food was bad. There wasn't enough wine. The next day dh and I didn't go immediately to her place for family breakfast (no because we stayed in a lovely hotel and had breakfast brought to us. Then had a spa. And a swim in the pool). I could go on.

Thankfully mil now lives 12500 miles away and there is a 13 hour time difference. But I get by with being polite when I see her. Not spending time alone with her and letting go dh initiate contact (which to be fair he's rubbish at anyway).

We're expecting baby no 1 in September. So no doubt she'll be coming to visit. But I remind myself that it's only temporary.

When she goes on moaning about anything, fix her with a cheery smile and say "Goodness, it is being so cheerful that keeps you going, isn't it?".

If she critisises any part of the wedding then say to her "you may not have noticed but it is MY day. I am getting married, not you. If you can't be happy for us, then please just be quiet!"

If you have made it obvious you 'hate' her things are going to be difficult.

While not doubting that you have grounds for your feelings, could you and your fiance have a think about managing the relationship more positively? Eg give her some small responsibility for the wedding so that she feels involved (maybe get your mum to help with this).

It might go against the grain but she's your partners mum and your kid's grandmother, and I imagine she's now accepting that you are also part of the family. As you say, you live far apart so contact can be managed.

If it doesn't work, then at least you've tried.

What responses would you like OP?

It doesn't sound like you'd like help to understand the dynamics or work on them, what would be helpful to you? Is this mostly needing to let off steam rather than you want to change anything?

I suppose I want someone to tell me that I can continue avoiding this woman forever but I'm not getting that vibe.

If you don't want to go NC then maybe think about coming up with some stock phrases which you can use to confront her when she says things. It might help to google ideas. Also, have a look at James Blunt's twitter responses.

There's no need to be rude or cruel to her. You can be truthful and speak gently and quietly.

For your wedding day, can you assign the moh to be the go-to person for any complaints, so that you can relax and enjoy your day?

X-post.

I'm NC with mine so def get that. For me, I might have asked permission for years, a bit like you now. But, then she outed herself in such an extreme way that NC was just obvious - no question. Maybe the fact you're asking means you're not there yet?? Completely up to you though. Only you know how it's been.

My view is to see her behaviour as the thin end of the wedge. I put up with this kind of "low level" nastiness/twatishness for years, met her rudeness with unwavering politeness. I look back on those year and regret my response bitterly. All it did was give her the green light to up the ante. She read my kindness as weakness.

Don't giver her any leverage in your wedding. When we got married I gave her a large part to play, in an effort to include her and be nice, thinking that she would relish the chance to be involved. Oh she relished the big part alright and used it as a chance to be nasty and blight the day.

I rarely speak to mine and don't see her ever. Why would I go into the lions den? I have no qualms at all about that. I tried, I really did but she has painted me into a corner. My DH is "happy" to go along with my decision because it means he doesn't have to face her out about anything. Looks like your DP is happy with your low contact too. Embrace it! Life's too short to be bullied by somebody that ought to hold you in some kind of esteem and affection.