Monster in law

[Rainsbow]

I hate her. Just full stop. Everything she does is bloody annoying, rude, irritating, exasperating etc etc. I've managed to avoid seeing her and speaking to her since December. Dp and I are getting married soon so obviously she'll be there and I dread it. Dp has met up with his folks several times and just excuses me going too. Not sure what the point of this is but I worry about it big time. His parents are potentially coming here next month (they live 100miles away) and I really think I'm going to book into a hotel. On the contrary, I get on so so well with my own mum, I see her every day.

Rainbow you can make that choice but it will be tough on everyone around you. It is horrible to have to work around the type of family set-up where certain people don't see each other because they can't be nice, or because there has been some kind of declaration. I think that you need to look at the bigger picture and think about what it would cost you and others v how much it would hurt to just suck it up for a bit. Hopefully your fiance will appreciate that you find it difficult and will be supportive, just as I hope you will appreciate that this is probably extremely difficult for him.

There are circumstances where it would be understandable, perhaps advisable, and even necessary to not see a certain family member. Only you and your fiance can judge.

You do not have to see his mother if you do not want to. She has behaved dreadfully towards you and in the early days at least your man was not at all supportive. He defended her and accused you of being over sensitive!.

And you do not have to further suck up any of her ill remarks towards you either; you would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, his mother is no different. Kindness is really seen as weakness by such people.

So they're coming next month after lunch as we've been invited to lunch with friends. So there's no way they'll do the return drive on the same day; they'll be staying. I find small talk unbearable. Should I tell dp that I'll stay at my parents or ask him to get them to stay in a hotel?

It's a lifetime of this MIL.

She's had years of being in control and although she can't "change" I don't believe this to be totally true. She can learn to not comment on things like your weight and stupid comments but she can only learn from being told and there being a natural consequence for this.

It needs you and husband to challenge her.
"I would rather you didn't comment on my weight. I find it not only too personal but rather rude as I am happy with myself"

It takes confidence to do this consistently but if it is always done with decorum and being polite you will win in the end.

She will have a lot to lose if you have DC. Your DP needs to man up but equally you both need to recognise she is his mother and he has been conditioned by her. Counselling for both of you how to handle her would be my advice.

Cutting her out at this stage is unfair to your DP and future children as some attempt needs to be made so if your efforts don't work then NC is more justified.

She's ruled the roost for too long and although you don't need to knock her off, she needs a wake up call that you are about to be his wife which is No.1 and that is hard for her to handle.

Good luck

I think ducking out is EXACTLY what she wants to be honest. Just how she likes it, queen bee and she's muscled you out.

I would attend and be strong and hold your head high.

"Should I tell dp that I'll stay at my parents or ask him to get them to stay in a hotel?"

The latter is the better option but how is he going to react to that suggestion from you?.

Your fiancé and future FIL (he in particular) have allowed her to get away with such behaviours for a long time, this dynamic certainly predates you. I would state that they are both still very much afraid of her.

Whether your man is actually strong enough to assert his own self here is an important point now that you are getting married. If he cannot do this he will never really have your own back here.

She hates the fact that the kids are SO close to my parents, that they are "nanny and grandad" whilst she gets nanny x and grandad x". That's not my fault and yet she rubs her feelings off like dirt.

I think I'll make myself scarce from the onset as it'll be harder to have to excuse myself in the evening.

Don't go out.

• It's incredibly rude.

• you need to show solidarity with your fiance.

It's one night. Be welcoming, show an interest, rise above any comments that you find irksome.

Ans if they are really nasty to you then agree with your partner in advance that he will deal with it.

Perhaps you could invite your own mum to join you? Might diffuse the situation.

Incredibly rude to leave my own house?!

Comment about the wedding

'Well luck for you it's not your wedding. Would hate to think someone would force you to not have the wedding of your dreams just because they didn't like it.'

Weight

'Well that was a little rude. Are you worried about your weight? Why else would you comment on mine?'

Relationship with grandkids
'If that really upsets you your are more than welcome to ring them and speak to them more'

Monthlies.

'No. I often find I get irritated when people are rude and disrespectful no matter the time of month'

rainbow it is rude to go out when you've got guests staying.

You might decide you don't mind being rude because you don't like your MIL but it really isn't polite to deliberately avoid her.

I don't think you should go to a hotel.

Firstly, it sets a precedent. What happens next time and the next time...? You could have decades of this shit ahead of you!

I also think it's quite a primal thing - this is your home and I think this needs to be made clear.

Like Bastardly wrote above, I was also super nice, polite and helpful to my mil for years - this was her green light to take the utter piss of me! Please learn from our mistakes. I think she's getting some power reward from putting you down. Remember, she wouldn't want to stay with you if it didn't feel so good to her.

I suppose I want someone to tell me that I can continue avoiding this woman forever

Of course that is an option. It's about looking at the choices and the various downsides.

Sometimes total avoidance can be the easier choice all round if it's not fixable. I have the joy of a step parent who loathes the fact siblings and I exist and had df first, and plans never to get over this. (Seriously. Have spent years trying.) We now avoid each other more or less completely, and df enjoys spending time with each party separately without stress, fall out, horrible tense meals, unpleasantness and stress for anyone. Everyone much happier. Where's the benefit in struggling on?

If that's the choice then it's going to be about making the times you want to leave the house for their visits into going to do something you enjoy, rather than being miserable in a travelodge somewhere feeling driven out. Will dp be ok with accepting a cheerful 'have a lovely time, see you in x days'?

How does she manage to make all these comments when you never see her?.

You don't have to like her. But she is your dp's mother. Aim for cordial. Cordial is good.

Your eyes no being overly sensitive, you have standards of behaviour that you adhere to and expect others to meet with you.

Ignore Purple Daisies many of us don't want to have much to do with our in laws, that's entirely fine. We wouldn't want to dictate to our partners what they do but we certainly don't have to accept those who lack basic manners.

I think it'd be understandable for you to go minimum contact with them. The problem you need to sort out before you commit to marriage is your partner understanding your reasons why and accepting and supporting them. If not, you'll have nothing but trouble, especially if you decide to have children.

*you're certainly not being

Sorry about the typo

Ignore Purple Daisies many of us don't want to have much to do with our in laws, that's entirely fine. We wouldn't want to dictate to our partners what they do but we certainly don't have to accept those who lack basic manners.

Read my post properly.

I said it was fine to decide not to stay in but don't pretend that it isn't rude to do that to someone staying with you.

You shouldn't go out.
If you leave your own home, whether rude or not, it just delays the inevitable time that will come when you have to face this.

Don't let her think that she's so bloody important that she needs avoiding, because she isn't and she doesn't.

Welcome her to your home, be bright and breezy. You have the upper hand, you're on home turf. If she makes hurtful comments, politely but firmly call her out on them, Good responses above.

She will be in your life, so you need to change to deal with this. Detach mentally, so she's not crowding your head. Be proactive, assume she'll be ok, pick her up on it calmly and politely if she's not. If you act rationally and politely, you'll show her poor behaviour up.

Don't avoid her. Stop thinking she has power over you. She doesn't and she never will. But you must be you, put her in her place if need be, and let her know that her words no longer affect you.

If you go out, your giving her a strong message that she intimidates you. Don't give her that message. She needs to know that her presence in your home hasn't caused a ripple.

I feel your pain, I hate contact with my MIL too. DH and I solved the wedding problem by eloping, which suited both of us anyway with all the other potential family politics we would have had to deal with as well.

It's an impossible position you are in, and I don't have any real advice on how you can solve your upcoming visit problem. But I can say that I have learnt to be much more assertive towards MIL. Always stay polite and reasonable, and never never let down your guard. My MIL is naturally nosy, crass, smothering and scheming but she is much more controlled with me now I don't let her being out of order pass. FIL is an entitled toad so he is no help there. DH is very protective of me and has read the riot act on more than one occasion, I think that helped us present a united front.

It use to be customary for the grooms parents to provide a guest list for wedding invites....and is she not suppose to show interest in the wedding? Or do you prefer if people don't chat about the wedding only nod in agreement regardless?
I'm sure she senses that you hate her, and I suspect you are in a foul mood when she's about breathing air annoying you.
I can possibly envision she is a bit hurt or jealous of your strong relationship to your own mom.
Can you not be civil to someone you rarely see?
This woman with all her faults raised a man you are choosing to marry.

You can't keep disappearing every time she comes over. As well, what is that teaching your kids?!

You need to stick up for yourself every time she makes a comment.

Try this: next time she comes out with a sly remark, repeat it, loudly and widely.

Oh don't you have bad monthlies?

"Dh - your mother was just saying I have bad monthlies. BAD MONTHLIES dear. Periods. Your mother was just saying I have bad periods."

"yoive put on weight"

"Your mother was just saying I'd put on weight dear. "
"Thank you Sharon it is a lovely wedding dress. Yes, mil was just saying I'd put on weight. And that the food is cold."

Remember like Fred the Butcher from Corrie? Repeat it endlessly in front of her. It's incredibly embarrassing.

Sounds like your fiancé is as meek as his father. And you're probably more like his mother than you would care to admit. I sure as fuck wouldn't have married my fiancé if he spouted such vitriol toward either of my parents.