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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Monster in law

130 replies

Rainsbow · 27/05/2017 09:15

I hate her. Just full stop. Everything she does is bloody annoying, rude, irritating, exasperating etc etc. I've managed to avoid seeing her and speaking to her since December. Dp and I are getting married soon so obviously she'll be there and I dread it. Dp has met up with his folks several times and just excuses me going too. Not sure what the point of this is but I worry about it big time. His parents are potentially coming here next month (they live 100miles away) and I really think I'm going to book into a hotel. On the contrary, I get on so so well with my own mum, I see her every day.

OP posts:

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Imbroglio · 27/05/2017 13:33

I'm stuck that your in-laws have to arrive late in the day because you are having lunch with your friends, then you are annoyed that this means that they have to spend the night.

JK1773 · 27/05/2017 13:43

I sympathise as my former ILs were utterly toxic and vile. But I don't think you should go out when they're staying. You are fortunate that you don't have to see them very often (mine lived round the corner ). By going out you will be fuelling her poison. She will spend all evening talking about how rude you are. Just spend the evening with them, do what PP said and comment each and every time she's rude to you. Go to bed early and tell them you both have early plans the next day so they have to leave early

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 27/05/2017 13:51

Is your dp the df of any of your dc? Looking at the bigger picture if you have more dc would you be prepared to leave the house and the baby with dp while she is visiting? Stand your ground now in your home. Tell dp you expect him to step in and defend any nasty remarks. . And stand up for yourself. . Tell dp they can book into a hotel until they are more respectful.

BertrandRussell · 27/05/2017 15:00

Oh, I do wish people didn't think that they have to like their mils!

What are the chances of actively liking a random woman you meet?

Cordiality. Practice cordiality. That's all you need. Anything else is a bonus.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 27/05/2017 15:31

Nicely put Bertrand That's exactly what's so difficult.

Here's this random woman you may or may not like, but is going to be spending large chunks of social time in your company, especially special occasions and sensitive social times like Christmas day, and this will often need to take place in her home. She will see you hours after you've given birth and watch you breast feed, will be deeply emotionally attached to your children, and her life and home is a huge part of your partner's life and emotional connections.

If you don't get on, it really isn't easy.

Rainsbow · 27/05/2017 15:56

Wow thanks for all the replies. It's dd's bday today (7, where the bloody hell have seven years gone?!), so been out playing.

I think if they arrive, say 3pm, have them for tea and cake etc, then at 7ish when the kids are in bed they should go to a hotel. I honestly hate her but yes, she's going to be around a long time so I have to swallow that large pill. That said, I have to build up to tolerating her over time. 4 hours is my first block. The next morning will be Monday when the mania of getting kids school ready/off to work etc plus making small talk with her mug over breakfast is just too much. What do you think? I was going to suggest this to dp and then the next time have them for lunch or dinner building on from there.

OP posts:

Offred · 27/05/2017 16:07

I suppose I want someone to tell me that I can continue avoiding this woman forever

Yeah, you actually can't do this if she is the DC DGM and your DP's mum.

Building up your tolerance, being cordial and limiting exposure is all you can really do.

loveyoutothemoon · 27/05/2017 16:14

I doubt they'll want to leave at 7pm to go to a hotel?

Do you disagree with the advice on here?

Imbroglio · 27/05/2017 16:17

If you really can't bring yourself to have them around, would it be an option for your fiance to take them out somewhere nice as a 'surprise'?

Just try to present it positively.

LaLegue · 27/05/2017 16:22

On the contrary, I get on so so well with my own mum, I see her every day.

Of course you do. Why does this not surprise me in the least, given everything you've said?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2017 16:29

"I honestly hate her but yes, she's going to be around a long time so I have to swallow that large pill. That said, I have to build up to tolerating her over time"

Actually you do not have to do either and her behaviours have caused you to become intolerant of her. That is your right; you do not have to keep on trying to appease abusive people. It is more than ok to use self preservation here. It will also not do your children any favours to see their nan disrespect you as their mother whenever she deigns to visit.

BertrandRussell · 27/05/2017 16:39

"I think if they arrive, say 3pm, have them for tea and cake etc, then at 7ish when the kids are in bed they should go to a hotel. I honestly hate her but yes, she's going to be around a long time so I have to swallow that large pill. That said, I have to build up to tolerating her over time. 4 hours is my first block. The next morning will be Monday when the mania of getting kids school ready/off to work etc plus making small talk with her mug over breakfast is just too much. What do you think?"

You know what I think? I think you should grow up a bit.

ImperialBlether · 27/05/2017 16:41

I'm reading this and thinking it must be difficult to have a DIL who clearly hates you, whose parents have a very close relationship with the grandchildren, to the extent they are called Nanny and Grandad, where the MIL and FIL have to have a name attached to this, as though they're not the real grandparents. Why didn't you have Nanny Name for each of them? Can't you see that would have been a nicer thing to do?

In the end, this is your partner's mother. She doesn't live nearby. She knows you dislike her - you say you hate her. Compared to a lot she doesn't sound that bad, tbh, just a bit tactless. She's nosy, but you tell her nothing and this probably feeds her nosiness.

And I know you dislike her, but I think for a lot of older women on here, there's a real dread that their DIL will hate them and stop them seeing their family. Couldn't you just be civil and put up with them visiting occasionally? You could pay for them to stay in a Travel Lodge if necessary - frankly, they'd probably prefer that. It would be really rude if you moved out while they were with you, though.

Out2pasture · 27/05/2017 17:05

I agree with imperial.
I expect she senses your loathing which is just making the whole situation worse.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2017 17:10

This woman may be OPs partner's mother but she does not have to sit there and take verbal abuse from her. Family is not binding after all and OP is protecting herself here.

As few people want to get into a confrontation with a disrespectful family member, they often feel helpless to try to create healthy changes in these relationships. When adult children don’t put up the necessary boundaries that remind their in-laws that they are adults in their own right, they often find their in-law’s parental grip on them is too comfortable a pattern for them to let go of on their own.

No-one should have to sit in silence and endure such treatment as OP has done from any relative for that matter. She would not have tolerated it from a friend, family are no different. OP has backed off from MIL because MIL has treated her very badly; it is more than ok not to see such a person in these circumstances.

OP I would argue also has a DP problem because of his past behaviour of defending his mother and accusing OP of being over sensitive. I sincerely hope he has now changed that mindset but whether he is infact willing and or able to assert his own self here is another matter entirely. He is also key here.

BertrandRussell · 27/05/2017 17:12

"Verbal abuse"? Seriously????

Out2pasture · 27/05/2017 17:13

I'm not seeing what was said that is abusive?

Rainsbow · 27/05/2017 17:16

Thanks Russell but I don't think I need to "grow up" at all. However, this 63 year old woman certainly needs to. She's the one making crass, catty comments.

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2017 17:23

Indeed your future MIL has made crass and uncalled for comments re your appearance also. She comes across as overbearing and demanding her own way. Many people from emotionally healthy families simply cannot begin to comprehend that a relative could actually act like this towards another person because they have no experience of it.

Unfortunately OP your MIL is 63 going on 6. She is emotionally stuck at around that age.

NellieFiveBellies · 27/05/2017 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/05/2017 17:26

If your MIL was a boyfriend, then friends would tell you to dump him. If your MIL bullied someone, then people would advise the person to keep his distance and set limits. Just because she’s your MIL doesn’t mean that you have to tolerate an abusive relationship.

ChrisPrattsFace · 27/05/2017 17:29

Urgh, MIL. I don't even speak. And if you all tell me i'm rude to my MIL, i don't care. Complains if i talk, complains if i'm not there. Soooo... i just don't speak. Easy
Good Luck OP.

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BertrandRussell · 27/05/2017 17:51

"If your MIL was a boyfriend, then friends would tell you to dump him"

Yes, they probably would. And they'd be right. But that is completely irrelevant.

BertrandRussell · 27/05/2017 17:55

"She's the one making crass, catty comments."

You're the one demoting her to also ran grandmother, talking about "her mug" over breakfast, wanting to boot her out of the house at 7 despite the fact she is visiting late to suit your convenience and calling her childish names and obviously letting your dislike show........

WateryTart · 27/05/2017 17:56

You sound a nightmare, OP, sorry. That poor woman.

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