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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Monster in law

130 replies

Rainsbow · 27/05/2017 09:15

I hate her. Just full stop. Everything she does is bloody annoying, rude, irritating, exasperating etc etc. I've managed to avoid seeing her and speaking to her since December. Dp and I are getting married soon so obviously she'll be there and I dread it. Dp has met up with his folks several times and just excuses me going too. Not sure what the point of this is but I worry about it big time. His parents are potentially coming here next month (they live 100miles away) and I really think I'm going to book into a hotel. On the contrary, I get on so so well with my own mum, I see her every day.

OP posts:
Imbroglio · 27/05/2017 18:00

I keep thinking about this story.

metro.co.uk/2017/05/23/homeless-manchester-heros-estranged-mum-now-wants-to-get-in-touch-with-him-6657167/

Who knows what the story is behind the estrangement, but it made me feel quite tense just thinking about what he might be feeling about such a public appeal to be reunited.

Imbroglio · 27/05/2017 18:00

Oops - wrong thread! Sorry.

BertrandRussell · 27/05/2017 18:01

And AtillatheMeercat will say that a mil is abusive whatever she says. Unless it is "Just tell me when I can see my son and grandchildren, daughter in law- I'll just wait here in this cupboard until you say. Take your time-I have no feelings to be hurt and nothing else to do with my time"

Ragwort · 27/05/2017 18:12

Why isn't your DP backing you up, what is his reaction when MIL makes a 'catty' comment - perhaps you are being over sensitive, from the comments on this thread she doesn't sound 'unbearable' - just mildly irritating. If your DP doesn't stop her immediately when she says something unkind about your weight/child/wedding plans etc then you've got a lifetime of this ahead of you. Perhaps you should seriously re-think whether you want to marry your DP if he can't/won't stand up for you?

You do sound a little immature from what you are saying, I have SIL like you who won't have anything to do with her MIL (my DM) until it comes to money Hmm.

Original poster
Rainsbow · 27/05/2017 18:19

How nice ragwort. You sound like a hoot to be around.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rainsbow · 27/05/2017 18:21

As it stands I've just asked dp about their visit and he's fine with me playing out that afternoon however I like, be it going out or not.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 27/05/2017 18:29

Does he also know that you'll be kicking her out at 7?

Joysmum · 27/05/2017 18:57

If someone, anyone, commented on my weight or made snide comments about me having a child when young, was rude, tried to dictate my wedding or was predictably going to criticise it on the day or in future, I'd not want anything to do with them either.

It's our right to be treated politely. If you can't say anything nice then don't say anything at all. If someone can't abide by that simple life skill there's no way we should tolerate them. The OP doesn't want to have to put up with that shit and i think it's sensible to avoid her MIL, rather than confronting her which would only escalate matters.

Her dp clearly sees that his own mother is bad enough that she shouldn't put in a position to host her so it doesn't matter what we all think.

Out2pasture · 27/05/2017 19:19

If I disassociated from everyone that made a comment on my weight, child rearing, or planning skills....I'd be living alone in a closet.
I thought parents could discuss these types of issues more openly than work colleagues.

Joysmum · 27/05/2017 20:06

Out2pasture, it's not making 'a' coment, it's a sustained pattern of behaviour.

TheBusThatCouldntSlowDown · 27/05/2017 20:10

She sounds a bit irritating, but you seem oversensitive and catty yourself. It honestly sounds like she could say "nice weather today isn't it?" and you'd take massive offense about it.

You don't have to be her best friend; you hardly see her. Just aim for politeness.

Out2pasture · 27/05/2017 20:13

communication is a two way street. the op's negative attitude probably makes any comment seem hurtful.

Joysmum · 27/05/2017 20:13

Her dp doesn't see her wish to avoid his mother as unreasonable. If he doesn't have an issue, nobody else should either.

Ragwort · 27/05/2017 21:36

Her dp doesn't see her wish to avoid his mother as unreasonable. If he doesn't have an issue, nobody else should either.

It's hardly conducive to having a civil relationship with your future ILs is it though? And I can't understand why the DP doesn't say/do anything when (if Hmm) his mother is really that rude to the OP.

I wouldn't tolerate my parents speaking rudely to my DH - if things are this bad before they even get married imagine what the future will be like?

springydaffs · 27/05/2017 23:08

Gosh, you really are coming across as a piece of work. I have to feel sorry for the poor woman.

Original poster
Rainsbow · 27/05/2017 23:41

Right daffs.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 27/05/2017 23:54

I think that you should at least try pulling her up on the rudeness.

I do agree that such long indulged behaviour isn't easily changed - but then again, these rude people often get through work or friendships OK - they know when and where they get away with it!

I'm all for ditching her if she won't change. But a stab (put the knife down!) and standing up to her is worth a shot (put the gun down!)

I'd want to know how my partner really felt. He may be supportive of you - or he may be a copy of his father and subjugating his feelings.

telmarine · 28/05/2017 10:46

I have to feel sorry for the poor woman.

If you are meaning having empathy for her, it's just a shame the MIL doesn't have the same for the OP, her DIL.

Why on earth would OP want to interact with such a person? MILs don't have any divine right to do what they want, any more than anyone else Confused

springydaffs · 28/05/2017 19:15

Who says the Mil doesn't have the same for the op?

Op has given extremely scant info and posters have clamoured to fill nin the gaping gaps, painting the Mil as a caricature villain.

The only thing that is clear from the info we have is that op is vile to her Mil.

Joysmum · 28/05/2017 19:41

The only thing that is clear from the info we have is that op is vile to her Mil

I missed this. Where's it say that springy

So do you think her DP is actually glad she'll be out because he's ashamed of her, rather than his mum?

Plaintalkin · 28/05/2017 19:52

Wow you sound like a spoilt brat !!

She sounds like an ordinary woman, making small talk etc. You seem determined to make her out to be a monster . Nothing you've said convinces me you should even get married.

She isn't going to disappear when you're married . And she's your DPs mum ... you don't have to love her but being polite won't cost you anything.

It's already been said..... but you do need to grow up .

noova61 · 28/05/2017 22:47

Goodness me, I didnt like my exMIL, but I put up with her for my ex hubbys sake...for years she was awful to me, said some (lots of) terrible things.The day before we got married she told me she didnt like me and I wasnt good enough for her son and never would be. My house wasnt clean enough, I didnt iron properly, I didnt cook the way she did, I shouldnt be working full time and I needed to be at home looking after her son...on and on it went. Whenever she and her hubby(who was lovely btw) came to visit I was always polite and friendly...it was difficult but I loved my hubby(at the time). I tried to be the bigger person and yes it was a relief when she left, but I never stopped her from being in our lives. Your MIL isnt visiting for long, try and rise above what she says, be polite and be the grownup. It sounds like jealousy on her part.

Mistletoekids · 28/05/2017 22:53

Oh gosh you sound a bit mean to be honest. Yes she's irritating but you seem to be upping the anti in quite a major way. Why not just rise above it? Surely?

mrsmuddlepies · 28/05/2017 23:12

I would love to read this post from the MIL's point of view. It does seem disingenuous of the OP to say that her own Mum is wonderful but her Mill (who raised her son and who shares her dna) is ghastly. Things have a habit of coming back to you if you don't play fair. Only the OP can decide in her heart of hearts if the fault is all her MILS or whether she is annoyed by the fact that her husband didn't spring from the ground fully formed but had a Mum who cared for him, changed his nappy and loved him.

Original poster
Rainsbow · 29/05/2017 07:20

A text to dp from her included this gem:

"Tell Rainsbow I'm still disappointed that the girls didn't send a grandmother card to me on Mother's Day".

His reply "please stop this grudge now, I sent you a Mother's Day card because you're my mother! Let it go now".

OP posts:
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