He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

Do you know how he can help you.. get his own place and have the children regularly.

The fact that he is refusing to do this before offering to stay with you says huge amounts.

Without his own place to go to when its time for him to move out you'll be making him homeless and being unreasonable.

She should be hiding under a rock somewhere not emailing the silly woman! It's super easy to get an email address you could have used it with your name on all sorts of online accounts that would be easy to find but still she should just leave well alone.....

Hope you're doing ok and had a nice meal out with WH, a plan, whatever the plan, would be great for you just now just so you know what's happening and when

Oops missed a whole page there! She is a dick sending that, drunk or not how dare she. I don't think secrets are great though if you do decide to give it another go, start off with complete honesty from both sides.

Hope you're doing ok and baby doesn't come till you're done with work and have your feet up

Also in Scotland, if we are local I'd love to help

He's trying to take advantage of your vulnerability sweetheart. He was understanding of you wanting the new house in your name after this came out but he's pushing his own agenda back now. Wanting to move into the spare room of your house, to come round and mark his territory cook dinner for you.

He's not giving you space at all to process this

Gahhhh, such a long day! I've just finished up with work for the day, long day in court and then a massive consultation with the other parties.

I've missed bedtime 😔 WH came round to look after the kids whilst I was working late, he left dinner and ice cream in the fridge 🙄 He's still a wanker though.

Dinner was ok last night, but it's really hard to see him! It makes me want to burst into tears all the time. Trying to be strong for what's ahead, but feeling a little bit terrified at the prospect of having the baby on my own.

Are you finished with work all together now before the baby comes? Time to rest up op-and focus on the baby and the dc's...

What was said over dinner last night re how he will help with the baby?

Have you told him about the email? So glad you've finished work. Hope you get at least a couple of weeks to rest now.

You need to rest and he is still the DC's DF. So put your feet up for the weekend, let him look after the DC's-take them out feed them after all they are equally his responsibility. That does not mean however that is feet are back under the table-anything but. Use him to your own end this weekend so you can concentrate on yourself.
Have you given any thought to when you actually go into labour? Do want him at the delivery or can you get a friend to be with you?

Sorry! I literally just fell asleep fully clothed like a toddler!

One more court day and then a few things I can deal with remotely and finishing up next week all being well.

I think he will really want to be at the birth and like you all keep saying he is still the father so I wouldn't feel like I was being vindictive if I didn't let him be there, although I really have no idea how I will feel. I suppose it was all be happy families and then back to reality with a bang.

I told him she had emailed and he swears he has cut her off after emailing her to let her know I knew etc etc at the time. I believe him, but it's not like you get points for not doing something you bloody well shouldn't be doing is it?! 🙄

I think I'm in danger of rolling my eyes right out of my head any day now.

His parents will help with the kids and WH is going to have to sort something permanent out for living arrangements because I know I will just be sucked back into normality once baby is here and if he lives here I think that will be a potential recipe for disaster.

His timing is shit frankly. Have an affair at a more convenient time you utter twat. That's my views on that.

Otherwise I'm good 😂

Glad your banter hasnt deserted you

Glad only one more day to go.

Good decision re the living arrangements.

And you are a wee star.

I meant to say I would feel vindictive not to let him be there. Even though, as previously mentioned he is a wanker.

We can hopefully decide after next week.

It wouldn't be vindictive. If you want him there, if he'll be a comfort and a support, have him there, if not he'll have to suck it up. If there's one time your wants and needs completely trump his, giving birth is it.

I have been lurking on your thread and am in awe at the way you've been dealing with WH and the shitstorm he's unleashed.
On the issue of jabbing him at the birth I really wouldn't. It'll be a time when you're at your most vulnerable and emotional anyway, wouldn't you prefer a supportive friend or family member instead? Or even a doula- can that be arranged at this late stage? He lost his 'right' to share this intimate time with you even he started shagging someone else. I think this is one that only you can decide though - and if he starts with the pressure, he really is a total arseh old.

'jabbing - I mean 'having', although he could fuilfil a primary use as a literal punchbag in the throes of labour.

It's not remotely vindictive at all if he isn't the person YOU need there for strength and support then he DOES NOT GET IN!!

I don't know how your previous two labours went but in all three of mine I needed someone completely trust worthy and strong whilst I was at my most vulnerable.

If that isn't him then he has nobody to blame but himself. He can be outside and see baby soon after but if you'd rather someone else there then that's entirely YOUR right and if he dares to question it feel free to bring on your eye rolling again and explain to staff exactly WHY he's not in with you.

They won't let him near you till YOU say so.

Nothing about the act of labour is about him. NOTHING. It's all about you & baby.

You need to be able to relax as much as possible during labour. Any emotional tension is not going to help your body do that. You need to feel as safe and secure as possible. If having him there is going to help with that, have him there for sure. But if it won't then he has no right to be there, especially in these circumstances where he's violated your intimacy as a couple. If you decide to have him there and discover when labour is underway that he's having an adverse effect, get the midwife to remove him. Don't be shy about telling her why as she'll have heard it all before and she has your interests front and centre not his.

It's not vindictive at all. I promise.

It isn't about him. It's about you. You are the one who will be giving birth, you will be doing all the hard work, you are the one who needs to feel completely comfortable with who is there.

Have you thought about a birth partner? Or the possibility of a doula?

I dunno I kind of agree with you Syc he should be there for your babies birth, I think regardless of how your relationship ends up do you want to look back on it and regret not letting the father of your child be part of that especially if he was there for the other two. You can still get a birth partner or a doula and say to him that he is not there to support you but there for his child only. Just make the rules crystal clear.

He is most definitely a wanker still and I'm not sure him living under your roof to help with the baby is a good idea. I also know it's really bloody hard so you have to decide what is best for you and your wee ones and if that is to let their father care for them under the same roof then so be it.

Try being very clear with him. He is not going to move back in by stealth. He needs to get a flat and get used to having the dc there.It seems he is just waiting for the storm to blow over and then everything will be back to normal.
If you need his support you may include him in the birth as the baby's father.

Have finally finished work. Two little drafting things to finish off this week and then that's me until after the summer period.

It now seems I have to have a cesarean so my due date is getting fixed into place this week and baby day is fast approaching.

WH has packed most of "his stuff" up and it is sitting hopefully beside all the kids clutter which he has also packed up. New house is completing next Wednesday and I still have no idea if he and all his worldly goods will be moving with us.

I expected it to feel a little better by now.

He wants to start back with work this week but all his work stuff is still here and I don't know that I want him here during the day, especially since i'm likely to work from home this week. It will be just like nothing is different.

He can't work from your house whilst you are on maternity leave - what a way to force himself back into your space.

What has he said about finding his own place, is he just not discussing it? He is trying to railroad you back into how things were - and his family are probably silently condoning this. When you have done your last couple of little jobs, perhaps you could discuss this and ask him what he is going to do.

He has minimised his actions in his own mind. He's not really taken responsibility for his actions then and neither is he taking responsibility for his current and future situations. It's as if he's using inertia selling tactics.
He seems quite determined to oil his way back in. Is he hoping you won't make him 'the bad guy' by chucking him out?

Email his parents and cc him saying he'll have to transfer his work stuff and other possessions to their house pending his finding a place of his own. He is being incredibly disrespectful, and if he wants to try and fix things with you, actively undermining his own cause. Tell them you'll need the spare room in the new house for a nanny/au pair/doula.

He's hoping you will just go along with it, if he doesn't mention it maybe you won't! That's the typical male response in my family - head in the sand till it all blows over!