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Original poster

He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

907 replies

Syc4moreTrees · 24/05/2017 11:05

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

OP posts:
FuckYouLinda · 30/06/2017 15:33

Get away? You've just moved to get away from all this and WH bloody well followed you!

He's terrified if he leaves you for a moment that you'll have the space to think about it all and realise that he's not worth it. And he may be right there because having space to think and breathe is exactly what you need right now.

You are doing brilliantly. Your boys are unsettled now but that's not your fault. It's WH's. They will be fine. How could they not with a terrific mother like you on their side?

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 30/06/2017 17:29

He's hoping if they go to a hotel he'll get a shag. Then all will be forgiven, normal relations resumed. He is No. 1 Mr Loverman after all.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 30/06/2017 17:54

It may be that he does have more to tell you, and thinks that it will be better done elsewhere, where you may have to modify your reactions. I don't think he intends to disclose an iota more information than he's forced to. That's been the clear pattern so far.

BengalGal · 30/06/2017 17:59

Yes, he really is not listening and being a pushy jerk imo. You asked for space and he says: I can stay in the guest room. Ok sleepovers. Let me help pay for (our or your) new house. Ok let's go away together....where is the respect for your need for space? Tell him to back off, work with his counselor and leave you alone so you can process it all. .

And why the hell hasn't he cut all gamers totally out of his life? Keeping the one guy means the other woman was able to torment you with her knowledge of the birth.

He is not making good progress here....

MsPavlichenko · 30/06/2017 19:47

I agree he won't disclose unless he has to, but it's not impossible that his hand is being forced on this, either by OW or a "friend".

ItsNachoCheese · 30/06/2017 21:20

mrspav has it spot on.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 30/06/2017 22:10

Off the point but FuckYouLinda might be my favourite ever username Smile

MyOtherProfile · 01/07/2017 06:28

I know this is totally PA but I wouldn't be able to resist asking if he wanted to take me to the same hotel he took OW.

FuckYouLinda · 02/07/2017 00:31

Why, Thank you SchnitzelVonKrumm Smile

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/07/2017 01:23
AshesandDust · 03/07/2017 11:55

How’s it going, OP - how was the ‘camping' trip? Smile

XJerseyGirlX · 04/07/2017 13:48

Hey OP, hope your doing ok. Yep also wondering how the camping trip went?

Mammysin · 04/07/2017 23:09

Hope all is well op.

Original poster
Syc4moreTrees · 05/07/2017 11:32

Camping trip was a disaster! everyone ended up back in the house, including WH who then kept me up half the night telling me that he knows he's been an idiot etc etc etc but he feels like he is being unnecessarily excluded from the family, and is missing out on time with the baby.

We went to a counselling session on Monday together, and whilst I want to get on board with "fixing" things, I really didn't get on with the whole thing very well. It felt quite draft and intrusive and I can't really see myself wanting to go back. I know I need to try and help the situation, but I really do feel exhausted right now.

Have also had a vastly bizarre plot twist with one of our mutual friends who has all but declared his undying love for me...great, thanks for that?! I'm assuming in the spirit of honestly I'm supposed to tell WH about this, but i'm also assuming it will somehow be my fault. Any advice on that front would be greatly received as I can't really talk to RL friends since we all bloody well know each other. I think I just want to hibernate!

I'm definitely struggling on my own with everything, and would welcome the help from H, but how does that not become him just moving in again and us all sailing merrily along again without ever really addressing the problems?

At the counselling thing he said he sometimes feels like I put work ahead of the family and he has felt a bit neglected since the pregnancy. I guess that is why having the undivided attention of the OW has come into it. I did work a lot more last year, in preparation for having the luxury of a slower second half to this year following the new arrival, and it was obviously something that was discussed, but it seems like this might have been the wrong approach in hindsight. Maybe I got a bit complacent about the relationship, we've been together forever and I didn't really think he still needed that assurance or attention of old. Not sure i'm explaining that very well.

Sorry for the war and peace! my natural response is generally to retreat and process, but I think i've benefited from this little outlet.

OP posts:
NotMyPenguin · 05/07/2017 11:32

Also thinking of you and hoping all is well and that you're enjoying lazy newborn days.

BengalGal · 05/07/2017 12:04

He continues to be so pushy! Keeping you up half the night!! You've just had a c section for fucks sake.

He is the only one responsible for not being 100% together. If he felt unloved he only had to talk to you. Not start a long distance emotional and then physical affair.

You aren't ready for counseling or talks until he gives you some damn space. I think you should get visits, child maintenance etc formalized so the boundaries are clear. If you are totally stuck for help you can ask him ad hoc but he needs to give you space and acknowledge that all his complaints are his own doing. Not blame you. Of course you tried to get work done before the birth...

If i were you I would be absolutely furious with him. He sounds very selfish. Has he given up the gaming friends totally? Even one is one too many.

On the other guy, just tell him to back off, you've just given birth and you are married. You have no interest in getting involved. You need space. Do NOT tell your husband. It's not his business, unless you wanted to pursue it. As is there is no need to share that with him.

Consider getting the nanny on board sooner so you don't rush into things with WH just because you need help.

DancesWithOtters · 05/07/2017 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teatowelfairy · 05/07/2017 12:15

trees You are not unnecessarily excluding him from the family.
He had an affair, he put your marriage and his family time at risk, you didn't. Whether he likes it or not, less family time and missing out on time with the baby is a repercussion of his decision to cheat. It is a consequence of his own making, and is in no way a punishment bestowed by you.

As far as the friend's undying love goes I would keep that to myself and not tell WH. After all if you've been clear with your friend that it's never going to happen then I don't think it's necessary to tell WH. It will probably just add to the drama of him feeling sorry for himself and may even blame you.

At the counselling thing he said he sometimes feels like I put work ahead of the family and he has felt a bit neglected since the pregnancy. I guess that is why having the undivided attention of the OW has come into it.
I may have got this wrong, but didn't he book the hotel in Scotland at the beginning of your pregnancy?
If so then he would have to have been in contact with her for quite a while longer, perhaps even before your pregnancy, so that would be a load of shit basically.
Also if he felt he needed more time with you then he could have spoken with you and made the effort to spend free time holed up in a hotel room with you, instead of creating free time to spend it having monkey sex with fruit loop.

Hope baby sapling is well.

Mamadothehump · 05/07/2017 12:24

Poor, fucking him! Honestly, this has made me so angry on your behalf. He's caused this, not you! How dare he try and guilt trip you and make you feel as if you are to blame. What a spineless, cheating, coward AngryAngryAngry

Mamia15 · 05/07/2017 12:27

Bloody hell - he's done a number on you.

He CHOSE to shag OW instead of talking to you, suggesting solutions, going to counselling etc.

He CHOSE to put his selfish needs above those of the family. He CHOSE to be excluded.

He continues to be selfish, entitled and arrogant - I'm sure if you look back, these traits have always been present and if you do decide to take him back, make sure he seeks ways of addressing these flaws.

AshesandDust · 05/07/2017 12:36

You sound like you’re really struggling, Trees and no wonder with all this going on. I wouldn’t mention the undying love friend, it will just be used as something else to beat you with, if not now then along the line in my opinion from how his thinking is progressing.
You’re allowed to have compliments (and protestations of love) without them being your ‘fault,’ remember it’s WH who succumbs to flattery and thence to infidelity so don’t feel bad by association, Trees.

The counselling sounds unbearable - the agenda to turn his affair into your fault is beyond parody. You’re preparing for pregnancy plus birthing plus keeping family going by working like a donkey and whiny WH computes this as ‘poor me.’
How you haven’t told him to piss off and take his self pitying arse out of your sight I don’t know... he doesn’t deserve you Trees, he’s grinding you down.
Is there any way you can hurry the family au pair along or get a temp in until she starts?

For you, lovely Flowers

Sofabitch · 05/07/2017 12:56

Trees you don't need to fix this.

He put his dick in another woman don't you dare take responsibility for that!

I'm starting to lean towards ltb. He sounds like a man child.

Original poster
Syc4moreTrees · 05/07/2017 12:59

It is so difficult to see things clearly right now. Life is all topsy turvey.

I genuinely wasn't aware of the apparent strain my work was causing. I just saw it as a short term push so we could have an easier time now. We were also planning the new house so extra pennies in the bank was the goal. He took on extra work too, but i felt we continued to support each other and the family. It's not as if there was any discernible shift but maybe i'm just a bit oblivious, since i clearly didn't notice his gaming was actually internet dating!

He is behaving like an idiot right now, a little bit petulant and irritable, which is honestly very unlike him. We both have our foibles, but on the whole he has been the laid back counterpart to my tendency for neurotic-ness (that's not a word). I don't know really. He has basically transformed in the last two months and is just barely recognisable. This is obviously a new element to our relationship though so neither of us know what to do i don't think.

I'm just wittering on again!

Our nanny situation has been shortlisted (obviously I am pre-disposed to carry out aggressive background checks Grin). Have passed the dossiers to WH for his opinion, and will hopefully get someone in place in the next week or so.

OP posts:
ComedyofTerrors · 05/07/2017 13:15

So he thinks that if you hadn't been trying to ensure a better future for the family, he might not have felt tempted to have an affair? How very convenient.

It seems like he install not taking responsibility for his actions and is now following the script by trying to transfer the blame to you.

It is NOT your fault, it was his choice to do this and he's still pushing his own agenda and completely ignoring your right to have some peace to try to come to terms with what he's done.

If he's getting petulant and snappy and missing baby time, well he only has himself to blame for that one.

A husband who was 100% committed to making things work and 100% sorry would have immediately left the gaming group and would have (within reason, given the new baby) given you the time you had asked for, but instead he's push, push, push for what he wants and now trying to get you to blame yourself for his bad choices.

Can you limit the time he spends at your house? Give yourself a chance to think without him constantly in your ear?

BengalGal · 05/07/2017 13:20

I think if you hadn't been together so long you would clearly see he is being a class A selfish jerk and would be preparing divorce papers. As is he has to back off or you will never be able to forgive him because he continues to behave in such a self centered way.