He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

Who doesn't want a wall-mounted moon?

The room decorations sound great! I think you are doing an amazing job to take everyone's feelings into account. Just make sure that the boys don't think that the baby has somehow pushed Dad out. DC can land on some weird explanations for events.
It is a new normal - new house, new brother, Dad coming and going. They will adapt very quickly and I'm sure are very secure in how much they are loved by both you and your WH.

A full length of a door paper tardis can be bought online too. My daughter has one and it's great! Doesn't have to go on the door obviously...
You're great too Trees.. glad to see you're working your way through this almighty mess your WH's actions have caused. Glad you've kept him out of the spare room too, as I think that (paradoxically maybe) it will be easier to rebuild a loving trusting relationship with him, if this is what you decide to do in due course.
Just try to stay in the moment for a while now, which it seems you have decided to do. Sometimes, it's the hardest thing to do when there is pressure (from others and yourself) to make big decisions, but you've had to deal with so much and with a new baby to get to know too, a breathing space will be so good for you. Time does often change perspectives and also brings fresh insights too.
Just a thought, but maybe you should apply for a passport for baby if you haven't already done so, as a holiday in the sunshine, with or without WH can be a wonderful thing. I realise this may be difficult with you as the only adult, but think all inclusive hotel around a paddling pool... I can almost smell the suncream!

Been lurking but just wanted to say I've been in awe of how dignified and caring you've been despite all that's been thrown at you, hope your doing well, keep us updated trees! You're a

Hope you are doing ok Trees x

Helllooooooo!

Things are going ok. Few meltdowns with the boys, but bubba is settling into his little routine.

Been "interviewing" some nanny type peoples so I have some extra help with pick up and drop offs with the kiddies. I think it'll be good to start someone because I'll be off for another 9 weeks and it'll be a good time period to all get to know each other, and then when I'm back at work I won't be relying on himself to do childcare stuff.

Plans!

WH is coming by tomorrow for his little camp out with the older kids and to get baby cuddles. He's back working full time again and wants to start paying money into the house for the boys, but I'm going to hold off on that for a bit.

He's suggested we go away again just the two (plus baby) of us to try and talk things through without interruptions, but I still don't know about that.

Goodness going away together is a big thing. You'd have to really feel ready for that.

Hi Trees

Glad things going ok.

How is his counselling going?

I did the reconciliation attempt but I know now there was never any point as my WH would not go to counselling. And wasnt ever contrite or repentant.

There is a huge element of selfishness and of entitlement in someone who has had an affair like your WH.

I know I keep going on about it but if they dont do anything about that where does it leave you?

I'm sure you could meet to chat through things without going away.

But up to you.

I think if he wants to pay money it should be along the "child maintenance" line, rather than "paying into the house". The house is yours; it's your security and independence. The child maintenance, on the other hand, is a fair point -- and you can decide what to do with it!

Also seems a bit early to go away together. This is before you've even had a think. And if you want to talk, might it not be a safer space to do this somewhere neutral and 'safe', with the help of a counsellor or similar to facilitate?

I did laugh at the "two of us plus baby" and "talk things through without interruptions" combination... Or am I the only one whose babies like to interrupt, well, pretty much everything?!

He hasn't quite grasped the concept of giving you time to think things over and come to a decision has he.

It seems that he is still pushing his own agenda with little or no thought as to your feelings on the matter. I think he might be afraid that the more time you have to think things through, the less your decision might go in his favour.

It is, or course, up to you what you do, but I would avoid going anywhere with him for now. It's been a very short time with a huge amount going on and no real time for you to think.

Trip away sounds like he could dictate too much. If you need space you are stuck. You've worked hard to create a new home and making new boundaries is important. Just get the new nanny or a babysitter to take the boys somewhere. Or go to a counsellor together. Then he can't manipulate you easily.

For me the minimum to even think of a future would be dumping all contact with the gaming group, including the friend he wants to keep.

Even the sleepover might not be great for you. If it isn't, tell him that it was too much to soon. The boys will get used to visiting him. Especially when bubba goes too.

I think, well maybe check with a child psychologist, that he needs to sit down with the boys and explain that had a secret girlfriend and mummy found out and it hurt her feelings really really bad. And that's why you all are living apart. He needs to explain he made a terrible mistake and he is hoping he can prove to you he won't be so stupid again. And prove to you that he really loves you. Those lines he gave them a while back trying to put it all on you were destructive lies. Kids appreciate the truth. And he needs to own up.

I think it is for you to decide when or if you feel like going away with him. Don't let him set the timetable. If he wants to do something ask him to come around and spend a day cooking batch meals for the freezer while you have a day in bed with the baby.

Same old, same old from WH then
Glad to hear you sounding cheerful though.

Hi Trees going away for weekends to talk, away from others, worked for us,, but in your case with middle DC feeling unsettled you going away with baby not good timing. When you have nanny/helper to look after dcs would be better option at the moment without going away.

Also, yes to paying maintenance, no to paying into the house. It's your house.

I just feel that the 'let's go away' smacks a bit of 'I'll take her to a nice hotel, chuck some money at it, and she'll forget what a wanker I am' approach from him a bit-sorry.
Might work short term I guess but I'd be wary of it coming back to bite you In a few months/years down the line as it might be a missed opportunity to get to the heart of the issue and sort it properly if it gets glossed over now.Not meaning to sound harsh at all, and of course you must do what you feel is right.

As op said if he wants to help have him make six freezer lasagnes and do some cleaning whilst you sit with the the little....

Hi Trees hope baby is letting you have some sleep.

Just to let you know how it can be down the line.

For me WH would not have any counselling. He did think first of all that everyone would understand why he had the affair. When they didnt he was shocked . BUt it never shocked him enough into examining hinself and his behaviour and why he did it.

I am now 8 years down the line. Divorced with a good working relationship with ex in the business of raising our kids. It took a long time to get divorced - first mediation which didnt quite work and then ended up in court. And at every stage WH sent me emails blaming me for it all. Even at court stAGE he sent me emails blaming me for taking him to court. When I pointed out that actually the court documents showed that he initiated court proceedings that didnt phase him.

The point Im making is that you will be in that place if he doesnt really examine himself and his motives and actively seek to change.

I know you have so much to deal with- but we really want the best for you on MN and dont want you to slide into a place which long term will be a poor one for you to be

I don't understand, you need space to think clearly but he blatantly refuses to listen! Instead he is constantly pushing for what HE wants. Op, please don't fall for it. He lied and cheated behind your back for months, that should tell you how little respect he has for you.
He is taking advantage of your fragility after giving birth to push his own agenda, that in itself is disgusting. Get rid of him now and don't waste anymore of your time and headspace on this cheating, lying loser.

Why do you have to go away to talk to each other? Once the nanny person is installed, you can talk without interruptions while s/he takes the boys to the park or something.

No experience here, but from a dispassionate point of view it seems the place to talk things through - when you're ready - is with a qualified and neutral counsellor who will help both of you to keep focused on the realities of the current situation rather than the emotions of your past together. Not that those emotions aren't very valuable - just that they could easily tempt you both back to acting as if nothing's changed in your family when really everything is on a new footing now.

What IS all this about going away to talk? I should think going away would be the last thing you would want to do with a new baby - and might make your middle ds anxious again. Also, then you are stuck there with WH with no escape and no private space. (Would you be expected to share a room?)

Why does he have such a bee in his bonnet about it?

Bluntly, what is there to talk about? The sole responsibility of where you all find yourself lies with him. He has the thinking, the dealing with, the explaining to do. First of all to himself, and then you. It's up to you whether you want to listen, move forward whatever.

He is still seeing you as a unit (and so are you I think, it's scary not to), and that you can sort this together. You can't. You may be able to rebuild a new relationship, but at this stage he needs to put the work in. And to be blunt again, he's not. I am not sure he has even admitted yet to the full extent of the deception. Not to mention the ongoing contact with the "friend" which in itself will chip away at you, and your relationship.

Space is vital here, and I know it is hard. Try to see you and DC as a unit as much as you can, and ask what is best for you all at this point. You really can't think clearly with him hovering around talking about talking all the time. You could suggest only hand overs, baby time and talk only about DC arrangements, nothing else for a month, or whatever. And keep to it. You have enough going on, all of this must be exhausting you. Give yourself a break. It will also mean that he has to actually face what he has done, what is happening without your support and actually deal with it alone. I realise this might be outside what has been the relationship dynamic, but that is gone now remember. He has seen to that

I am also wary about his desire to go away. It may be that he does have more to tell you, and thinks that it will be better done elsewhere, where you may have to modify your reactions.

It may be that he does have more to tell you, and thinks that it will be better done elsewhere, where you may have to modify your reactions.

Good thinking MsPav

I think he might be afraid that the more time you have to think things through, the less your decision might go in his favour.

I agree with this. He seems very concerned with being in physical proximity ASAP- moving back in, staying overnight, going away together somewhere. I wonder if he's hoping (consciously or subconsciously) that if you don't have too much space to process things you'll just fall back into life together by default.

It may be an ungenerous interpretation but the whole uninterrupted trip away together idea seems like a 'she'll be less likely to leave me if I'm right there with her for a few days on my best behaviour' plan to me. Like a plan for a perfect husband performance.