He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

Jeez, if I were you I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him and right now, you can't even pick him up!
My initial gut instinct was that he's told OW. If he's told a gaming friend then he clearly hasn't learnt anything. Mind you, if he's told OW then he hasn't learnt anything either.
You must be all over the place you poor love.
Do and ask what you need to do re help etc right now and then make it clear that you'll make decisions when you are in a better position to do so.
I just have a hunch that he's taking you for a merry ride though.
Keep on being amazing

Is it common for grown men to send pictures of their new babies to "gamer online" friends? Aren't these for the most part anonymous strangers that one generally does not meet (or have sex with)?

This is exactly what I was thinking too.

Are you okay, OP? I know you've got your hands full with your newborn (many congratulations) and everything else that is going on but just checking in to make sure you're okay and those baby blues aren't setting in on top of everything else xx

Trees - I'll go against the grain a little bit and say - I am not sure all this hypothesising about the OW's reason for contacting you is helpful.

The facts of the story are simple.
H screwed up. Big time. And, appears to be sorry now.
And you are hurt. And also in a difficult place - new baby, happiness, sleeplessness, hormones....
I'd not give the OW any thought space. And let H grovel and be helpful in whatever way you need him to be.
Take time off from wondering and questioning.
Just focus on you, the baby and the kids for a while.

And when you come out for air, baby starts smiling, or whatever time works for you - it'll come to you. You'll know what you want and what you need to do.
There is no rush to decide now. You can alswaus divorce/separate.
But - your mind/heart can't possibly be at the right place to make this long/long/long term decision at this point. It just can't be.

I don't believe in MN's mantra - which is always LTB. You can always do that.
But - you don't have to feel like you have to.

I think I agree with josuk. But reading the collective thoughts on it all later, when you are ready, might be helpful. He should also realize, and maybe you should tell him, that any contact with that gaming group is not likely to help you two get along. He should bag it and never speak of it again.

The advice on these threads has been absolutely directed to supporting OP. Whatever she decides to do. I, and others have suggested that she needs space, and that WH needs to give her this, and own his responsibility, and fight for his marriage as his actions have led to this situation.

Not, LTB at all. Just put herself, her needs and those of DC first. Grovelling is easy. Actually facing up to what you have done and the consequences, not so much.

WH has moved into his friends house this evening. I know I'm going to sound like a bit of a loon but the reality of him having the boys overnight someplace is making me feel a bit dithery! I don't want them to be someplace else.

I probably sound like I can't be pleased, because I'm glad he has a base close by with space to see the kids, but I also feel like my life is falling apart a little bit. I'm just feeling a bit daft tonight and don't know if it's just post baby reality check or not.

The sharing the photo thing annoyed me because I see it a little bit as another error of judgement on his part (because shagging an ow is an "error of judgement" 🤦🏻‍♀️)

I'm not defending him but he has been talking to this online bloke for around 3 years so I don't think they view each other as strangers, I just would hope he didn't share the photo or news with other people, though it turns out he meet his bloody wife on there! Maybe I'll pop over to the OLD boards and suggest that apps are the new POF 😁

As a bit of a side note, I've not found this to be a LTB heavy thread, I think most everyone can tell that even though he's broken my heart and trust and ruined our happy little existance I'm not finding it easy to let go of him really, and everyone has been very kind and gentle and respectful of that, which I really appreciate, because I'm sure there are times you'd like to give my nose a firm tweak and my bum a little kick.

Thank you all for your patience, I'm sure you're all as exhausted as me! Going to pick a name tomorrow for the LO, focusing on all the good I have in my life, 3 lovely squishy boys for one ❤️

More ramblings of a mad thing, for which I apologise 😂 i'd blame the baby but I've always been this way 😁

Take care of yourself Trees.
Not much more you can do for now.
This chapter of your life will soon be over.
Just enjoy for now being with your baby.

Just sending you love for you and your brood

Remember saplings a strong - they bend but don't break

The more I read what you write the more I see your love for your husband - despite his clearly massive fups (f@&$ ups) - your grace, perspective and sense of humor are shining through everything you write - I think that's the key

The older I get the less clear life is to me - I think we end up loving people inclusive of their mistakes and failings - we choose to love through it all even though we hurt

If you can work through this (separately or together) with some professional guidance then perhaps you can come out stronger for it

Just cheering in your corner

The older I get the less clear life is to me - I think we end up loving people inclusive of their mistakes and failings - we choose to love through it all even though we hurt

@OldGuard this is something I'm discovering too. Fantastic words.

I don't think anyone has send LTB. Just make a clear break so his actions have clear consequences. Otherwise he's too likely to do the same in the future, and be even sneaker.

Sneakier , probably not a word..even more sneaky.

Trees natural to feel dithery thinking about your boys staying overnight somewhere different with H, to them it will be an adventure, face time?

I concur wholeheartedly with Old guard's words. It is obvious from your posts you love him very much. You can't tell DH what to do, maybe some guidance(?) giving up all contact with gaming group should come from him.

In my case it took a lot of work from DH before I could forgive. Because OW was employed by same firm, albeit different division, to preempt any possibility of her "arranging" to be at same meeting/conference as him he delegated. We had a different/stronger marriage, I'm so thankful I gave my late DH a chance.

Dear Trees enjoy this time with your baby they grow so fast! Xx

Trees. How does WH feel now his 'online gamer virtual friend' of 3 years has betrayed him by sharing personal news with OW and goodness knows who else?

He needs to step into a wardrobe, look into the looking glass and give his head a firm wobble

Sending you love Trees. Hope you have a lovely day today. xxx

Sending love Trees

It doesn't have to be the end if you don't want it to be. Some couples do work through these things and worse. Be kind to yourself and dither all you want.

Enjoy your baby cuddles x

Yes wishing you all the best too Trees.

I did get a flash of clarity last night. You have been hurt yet again by the email from OW. This directly happened because WH has not given up the game.

I dont see how he can live with himself about not giving up the game. If he wants to keep in touch with friend of 3 years they can Whatsapp. He should be so horrified about you being hurt again he should have binned it immediately without even thinking about it! No brainer Im afraid.

Trees I'm so sorry all this is going on. Your stupid WH has caused this all with his selfish behaviour. I wish it was as easy as LTB but it never is.

I sincerely hope he does everything that is required of him to help repair the damage he's caused and that your relationship will be stronger for it.

This is so unfair on you during what is supposed to be the most special of times

I don't think it's been an LTB thread at all and I'm glad Trees doesn't feel that way - in fact I think some of the rage and frustration directed at WH is precisely because we can all see the potential for a happy ending should he ever manage to pull his head out of his arse. (I've just done a quick internet search along the lines of "how do we get over my affair?". Advice in every article is 1) full disclosure 2) cut off contact completely 3) accept responsibility 4) work to understand your own actions.
So despite the hours he spends online his efforts to repair the damage he's done have not apparently extended to a five-minute Google. Grrrrrrrr.)

Trees, I support your policy of not laying the law down because he has to figure things out for himself but I wonder if you or someone else could ask WH to think about his gaming with reference to video game addiction?

He seems to have let the lines between his online and real lives become blurred completely - not just the affair but his bizarre reluctance to step away from his gamer mates while supposedly trying to save his marriage. And I think you said earlier that a real life friend had noticed how distracted he'd become by the game/community while they were socialising and warned him about it but been ignored. (Interestingly that and other articles identify the big multiplayer role-play games as the most addictive). Just a thought.

Hope you're well today and baby is entertaining you x

Hi Trees, thinking of you today. Hope it's going well with the baby, especially! Have you chosen a name yet?

Hope you've had a good day today Trees and that your new arrival is still spending his days in blissful slumber. How did the older two get on at their sleepover? It's completely natural to feel a bit funny about handing our kids over, no matter how familiar the person or place.

Your honesty and willingness to listen to advice from other posters amazes me! I've been following your thread from the beginning and checking in to see how you're doing. Dither all you like.

Thinking of you and hoping you’re doing ok, Trees.

Hi all!!!
Everyone is still alive here, although someone has replaced my lovely little sleepy beanie baby with a howling lunatic 😁

The boys did not enjoy their sleep over! None of them. Littlest (now middle child awww) basically had a meltdown, even though he's usually a total daddies boy. I think there's too much upset to the routine and the new baby is adding to their stress maybe. I really don't want them to feel pushed out by the new arrival. It's all super tricky!! If anyone has experience of this sort of thing I welcome suggestions 😔

Baby Boy has been named, new name actually that was neither of our favourites, but super cute.

I'm exhausted, but bubba is actually sleeping quite a lot still so I have lots of down time to contemplate my marital doom 😂

OW emailed WH yesterday from a new account she'd made specially since she's been blocked. He told me right away and said I could read it if I wanted, that he wants to be totally honest and up front etc etc etc. She seems a little nutty to be honest (sorry if you're a mn'er Ow, but legit you are a bit loop loop soz)

Thanks for the continued encouragement, you all rock!

Good to hear you sounding chipper, Trees.

trees 2 1/2 nearly 3 years ago my dh had an affair,I promptly kicked him out and he spent 6 months in a house (rented off his auntie and that was mates rates and all he could afford) contact with ds was regular sun day/night and a night during the week. To all intents and purposes we had split.

He spent that 6 months trying to win me back and a further 6 months dating before moving back in. Our relationship is now better than ever and proof that sometimes it does work, it has been difficult,especially when there is an argument, not to bring it up but we communicate much better and are much happier.

Don't automatically assume that it means a split forever. I'm with schnitzel I can see the potential for a happy ending but lines will need to ge drawn xx