He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

Hi Trees

Not much advice to give with regards to boys maybe feeling left out, other than involving them in helping you with baby as much as is practical (being the good mum you are you'll be doing this anyway ).

Hope you get a reasonable nights sleep. Xx

Glad to hear the update Trees. You are doing so well. I agree with other posters that if you are going to make a go of things again a proper break with him really having to show you how much you mean is the only way.

Bloody OW. What did she email him for? Did he reply? Glad you have a name!

Why is she emailing him ?

I'm sorry, I just can't get over the fact that he's supposedly turned around so quickly after you've found out. he met with her in a hotel, then traveled down to meet her and also have booked for a third meeting before getting caught. He's gone from having every intention to continue the affair to completely cut her out and learnt his mistake? I get it if it is one time thing with her but...

I wonder what exactly it was he may have been saying to her when the affair was going on to have sent her over the edge like that? I dont doubt she is loopy but is it possible she had been led on a fair bit by him which has contributed to her extreme reaction? Not that it matters now I guess.She needs to stop now of course-he has told her it's done and she needs to accept that pretty quick.

Glad you have a name.

It will all be unsettling for the dc. But they will come through.For the most part kids adapt to new situations pretty quickly.

I guess if OW has gone a bit funny in the head it's his fault anyway, or at least their joint faults. She emailed to say she had told her husband about the affair and that they were going to get divorced because she loves WH and wants to move here and have a life with him. Very good.

I've really no idea beyond their little flirty banter app chats what had been said or not said. Presumably they talked on the phone a bit also. I suppose it suits me to see it as a moment of madness on his part, but the reality is obviously a bit different.

I don't think the boys are going to go stay overnight with him again for a while. The poor middle child declared I didn't want him now the baby is here. Oops!

As bad as it is for me and WH at least we can vaguely understand the situation and the atmosphere.

If he's suddenly keen on transparency that would include being honest about what he said to and promised her.

And he hasn't responded with "we're never going to be together, leave my family alone, continue harassing us and I'll call the police... ".. Because??? That he hasn't shut her down makes me think he's keeping her as an option.

I wonder if he's showing you the email to make you take him back out of fear that they'll be together otherwise. If it was honesty he would have told you everything already and more importantly, shut her down!

Oh my goodness. She's either mad or thinks she stands a chance with WH. He needs to put her straight if he doesn't e's t to be with her. And soon.

Knew she emailed you the other day just to let WH know that she was ready and waiting. She really has no shame.

Sorry the sleepover didn't go so well. Hopefully it will just take time? WH's timing was particularly shit, there's been a lot of big changes recently.

A thought, would it be an idea for you and H to compose a very blunt, strongly worded and to the point reply from both of you hopefully to shut her down for good? Then promptly block new account from his and your email to preempt her contacting you again through your work email. Of course there's nothing to stop her opening more email accounts!

Middle son has been the baby until now will take some getting used to that he's now a big brother, school holidays should help because DC will be home more with you and not being taken off to school, early days .

Sorry you're having to deal with all of this Trees. It's beyond unfair and the OW's behaviour is unbelievable and smacks of desperation to be honest - not attractive and I suspect WH is starting to realise just what a fool he has been. However fwiw I do think WH needs to be very clear with her here. If he hasn't replied to the previous email then she's likely going to keep trying until she gets some sort of response. I am sure the two elder boys will quickly get to grips with the new arrangements it's just a lot at once as you say. But don't let guilt about the boys make you feel that you shouldn't draw these lines in the sand with WH. From what you've said it seems he needs this to understand the implications of his actions. There's a lot he could be doing here to make things easier and it doesn't seem he is doing that from what you've said. Keep cuddling the baby and your boys when you're finding things tough. Hugs to you. We all think you're amazing xx

I disagree. I'd block her new email address without sending a reply. She's already been told in no uncertain terms that it's over, the message isn't filtering through all the crazy. She's desperate for a response, she so badly wants to be part of the equation. And I suspect craves the attention. A response of any sort will just confirm that you are receiving her messages and will encourage her to keep trying. Ignore and block. She's cray cray.

Has there been a response to OW to make it clear he's not interested? If so I've missed that and perhaps blocking is the way. If not, given her behaviour has escalated and as the previous poster has said is "Cray Cray" and she has said she wants to move to where WH is and has left her husband off the back what is said to be only a couple of meetings then I would be worried that she would be silly enough to turn up and try to persuade him what he is missing and Trees does not need that type of stress in her life at the moment. x

I do think answering her is more likely to escalate things. Just block and ignore.

Clearly WH needs to ignore and block. I think that the elephant in the room here is his ongoing contact with the mutual friend group online. The sharing of the photo was bizarre. Even if the photo was sent to his particuliar friend why in God's name did he either share the photo or info with anyone else?

There is clearly a group loyalty, and in that group you really don't figure as a "real" person I suspect. It may be that they see WH and OW as the couple. At the very bast they clearly see them as part of the friendship group. Whilst your WH remains part of this he is complicit in it. At some level he might even be enjoying it. He is stil having two lives effectively, except that you are now aware of it. OW will also be drawing her own conclusions as to why he is still around, albeit direct contact is finished.

I am at a complete loss as to why he doesn't wise the fuck up, and cut all contact immedietely. They may be "good friends" but "good friends" would understand if he explained to them he would no longer be in the group as part of his efforts to repair the damage he has done to you all.

I'm sorry to say this, and want the very best for you. I just think he is not in any way getting it, or seriously looking at what he should/could do to work things through.

What MsP said (again).

I suppose it suits me to see it as a moment of madness on his part, but the reality is obviously a bit different

I'm glad you do see this, Trees. This latest news suggests to me that your WH has been minimising all along. And still hasn't admitted to himself, let alone you, how deep in he is/was.

So sorry to read that the OW is still intruding. It must be very very tough for you

And sadly, what Ms P. says.

If he doesn't ignore her, off his own bat, and settle down to reassuring his 2 elder boys by showing them that they are very much wanted (Why should you have to do that, Trees as well as everything else?) then -- well, he's an idiot.

• No answer to the OW
• Cut gaming contacts.

How does a grown man, with 3 children, have the time or inclination for something as evanescent as an online game? He really needs to grow up. I'm fuming on your behalf, Trees.

Is there any danger of the ow coming to your house? She sounds a bit unhinged. However it is your faithless husband who has put you in this situation, so don't be deflected by the madness of ow. He is the person who betrayed your marriage and he needs to fix it no matter what it takes.

I wonder if he's always been a bit of a manchild and Trees hasn't noticed because they got together so young. My cousin is like this, went straight from his mum's house to the marital home (he and wife met at school). He's a very nice bloke, high earner and still devoted to her after 25 years but she does ALL the practical stuff for him and their DC while he gets to be be fun dad and have hobbies. Basically he was a mummy's boy who expected to be indulged and because they got together as teenagers she accepted that. Whenever we see them DH leaves saying "he's a CHILD" 😀

Would also explain why he feels entitled to pursue an affair and still keep all the nice things even after being found out.

Glad you’re sounding ok and coping as much as you can in the
circs, Trees.

I’m really very surprised WH gave OW so much personal information out about you all.
I worked on a forum for 8 years with a bunch of really nice, like minded, people but I wouldn’t give any personal information out. I’ve known people be tracked down on very little information - even a picture. Yet he’s given his email, his family information (the fact he’s got a family) the area he lives in and goodness knows what else to this OW.
That aspect of it alone is so thoughtlessly dangerous and stupid.

Keep doing what you do to get you through this Trees, the light at the
end of that tunnel should soon be in sight soon and you’ll know what you want to do. And kicking up the bum could be an option. Do you think WH is floundering and needs someone to guide him, my ex couldn’t find his backside with both hands without asking me.

Mrs P again speaking wisdom. I think you're right that im not viewed as a real person to his online friends.

I feel like I'm at a bit of an impasse. I want things to be normal for the kids. I've been contemplating letting him move back into the spare room so he's around for the boys. We can pretend until they're a little bigger?

Or I just tell him that's it and he moves out for good and we work with the older boys until they're ready for overnights with just dad.

I wish I could see the future!