He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

His explanation stinks to high heaven whichever way you look at it.

Surely he would be making every effort to cut off all contact routes to OW even if it means dropping his online friends (they're not even real life friends FFS). I can't get how he has the time for gaming with a young family...did you have the same amount of child free leisure time?? How very selfish , immature and entitled.

He has a lot of work to do on himself in order to make real changes. An affair is often down to personality flaws....

it is completely clear that your WH is continuing to maintain contact with the gamers and/or with OW and his bad behaviour is still continuing to impact negatively on you. And this is while he is trying to win you back??!! This is supposedly him at his best and he is still taking the shine off that magic and special new baby arrival time.
I suggest telling him that the separation is now official for the next 6 months.

This.

It must be very tough for you, but he is not being serious about putting his family and his marriage first.

You've been very kind and reasonable to him. But he's taking advantage, and needs to understand what he is putting at risk at the moment.

You need to stay calm for your baby, and the well-being of your other DC, but we can be righteously angry for you.

Something I learned here: people show you what they are. By taking an 8 hour trip to have "monkey" sex** with a random woman off the internet, he's shown you something very significant. Horrible to think about, I know. But he's put you in this position.

**Have you ever been close up to a monkey? I always wanted one for a pet, until I did do a handling session with one - And if that makes you upset, sad etc, remember that close up, monkeys are actually smelly, flea-ridden, selfish little blighters!

What Mrs P said. He is minimising his involvement in all of this. He brought Crazy into all your lives, including your children and new baby, when he chose to embark on an affair with her. This is all on him.

And I don't know about you, but I know very few adults, especially male adults, who would start what's akin to a chain letter with a photo of someone else's baby. Who does that? Or has any need to do that as surely everyone who you and WH wanted to see baby have already been sent photos? I agree with Norah, it stinks to high heaven.

He's a well versed liar, god only knows how long he would have got away with leading two lives for if it wasn't for the accident. Tread carefully

He's the star of his own movie, that's for sure.

For what it's worth I do believe he's no longer in touch with OW and why she's contacting you to provoke a reaction from him. Block her from emailing you in the future. In hindsight such a wonderful thing perhaps mistake by WH sending the photo, however proud he is of baby, with technology these days too easy for things to be passed on and seen by others in a group setting. Even though he's not gaming now time methinks for him to step away from these gaming "friends".

But if the gaming friends are passing stuff onto her, they're either shit-stirring for their own entertainment or actively seeking to undermine the marriage. I fear that, to them, WH and Crazy are "the couple" and Trees is an inconvenience who's spoiled their game.

Yeah, shock horror Trees is expecting her WH to be a grown up. Whodathortit?

Yeah, shock horror Trees is expecting her WH to be a grown up. Whodathortit?

Is it common for grown men to send pictures of their new babies to "gamer online" friends? Aren't these for the most part anonymous strangers that one generally does not meet (or have sex with)?

Thanks everyone, I am in need of some reality checks for sure, just having a few little trembly lip moments

I should probably clarify, I don't know for certain that OW has seen the picture, just that he shared it with the Vice Chancellor of Narnia or whatever his game is called. I would hope, given that he knows my opinion on having images of my kids flying around cyber space that he would not have shared it unless he felt safe that it wouldn't be shared all over. I just don't know, and I was rattled by her suddenly appearing again.

I know it's not directly his fault that she has contacted me, although he brought her into our lives, so the buck stops with him. I am trying to be fair to him, but I wish the body blows would just end now.

For what it's worth I believe he wants things to work, and I think he is struggling with what to do to make it right without me being the one to tell him. In terms of shared parenting etc, we've always worked well together that way, so he's not doing it to score points because there aren't any points available for looking after your own kids really. It is helpful but doesn't get us any closer to a reconciliation except that i'm a bit soft and love seeing how he is with them.

It may be the best idea to call it an "official" separation and be done. I think the timing of it all has just been horrendous.

It's just occurred to me that this whole thing is about his dick...

Or should I say his masculinity, trees you mentioned I think it was his idea of another baby, so that's unconscious bragging rights number one. Look my seed is still potent I can make fire for I am MAN.

Then takes another woman to his bed, look I'm still virile and attractive she wants me, more bragging rights quietly to friends, plus pregnant wifey, wow he's practically THOR

I think your WH is feeling threatened, something in him is struggling, I don't want to come over all armchair diagnosis, but I bet he's afraid of growing old or losing status, deeply jealous of you and maybe your success, chain you to kitchen sink with baby

You always come across as so capable in your writing, do you think there might be a little bit of him that thinks he's surplus to requirements? The only thing thats working for him is his dick!

Even his gaming shows a need for well being needed, look for I am in a clan I am respected and needed to fight the good fight. At home your in charge, in your job your cool,calm considered, no one gets anything past you.

I don't know if he regrets any of what he has done, I think he now knows he's got your attention, I don't think he knows what he wants from it though .

Unless he has thought about any of this on a much deeper level, and isn't still coasting along on a sea of testosterone which I'm sure he is, he can't be trusted to have your back.

He's a jealous little boy who threw his teddys out of the pram, he just didn't think he would have to go and get them back himself.

I'm afraid I agree with the others who have said that he's still in touch with OW. Unless the baby photo has been put up on some sort of gamer website that she has access to his story doesn't ring true.

You're right, it is a lot, why not do what suits you for now until you feel better able to make a decision.

As before, be mindful of letting him stay overnight, and please be mindful that in his mind, it's all done and dusted now he's said sorry and he still hasn't taken responsibility.

She wouldn't have been able to email you if he hadn't created the situation that enabled it. He shouldn't be furious with her, he should be furious with himself and he isn't, he's being furious with her to divert your attention from what he's done.

First and most importantly, huge congratulations on your new son!

I actually love tree-themed names and know some lovely boys called Ash and Rowan, plus another with Oak as a middle name (Isaac Oak LastName). Alon is a Hebrew name that means oak tree.

The whole thing with OW contacting you (which is incredibly inappropriate, obviously!) just underlines the importance of WH cutting off from this gaming community if he values your marriage above it. Obviously, he hasn't, and it's still causing issues. It seems really selfish of him not to make the effort to do this in order to fix things with you.

I really do think a separation is the way to go. Let him stand on his own two feet and realise what he's lost. Then, if you still want to try to work on the relationship (and it's a big if), you can do it from the ground up and start from scratch.

If he doesn't know how to make it right, and you have some ideas of where he should be starting (no contact with Gandalf and other wizards for example), then why not tell him?

We see so many threads on less important subjects where one partner wants something and the other doesn't know, and the overwhelming advice each time is to tell them what you want. If we can do that for trivial things, why not the things that really matter?

He has screwed up massively. He knows this but is floundering on how to fix it. Why not try to work through it together? That's not to say you can't still be mad as hell at him at times, you can and you should be, for your own sanity.

But from what you've said, other than him being a dick head of massive proportions on this occasion, you are generally really happy. It's worth a try IMHO.

Best of luck Trees.

Can you block her emails now?

Hope you're healing well after the birth and still getting enough sleep!

(Dara is an Irish name that means Oak also)

:)

I know how you feel. Nine months ago I discovered via my husbands phone that he was having an affair. He swore they hadn't met and so I contacted the woman who told me she had seen him every weekend for months and they started sleeping together quickly. They met on a fetish website (his interest in bdsm was also news to me) and she told me that he didn't tell her he was married with 4 children - but he was telling her that he loved her and wanted to live with her and get married and have children with her. Needless to say I was totally destroyed. My life fell apart and I crumbled to bits. Then he told me that he was abused as a child and can't come to terms with it. I don't know how I feel about him anymore. I am very sorry he has had such a bad childhood, but at the same time I am so hurt and angry that I just hate him. I am trying to put on a brave face for the childrens sake, and sheild them from the unhappyness. I am really struggling. I can't bear to break up the family. But it feels horrible to be with someone who has treated me in this way. He is very remorseful and I see how terrible he feels about himself and what he has done and he is now getting help for the abuse. I wish I could jump on a plane and forget all about him.

If his online friends know nothing of the affair then I wouldn't be at all surprised if OW has 'innocently' asked if anyone has heard how he is.

She's pretty obviously pissed that he hasn't come running to her on discovery and is trying to hurt you.

I'm so sorry that your going through this!
I honestly wouldn't let him worm his way back in.
But that's easier said then done as your going through a lot.
But stay strong and don't let him get an easy ride.
And remember he would properly never told you about aless you had caught him.
Your so strong and amazing!!!
Do what is best for you

Congratulations on your little one OP, your such a strong woman.
Take care of yourself x

I'm just so sad for you that it's played out like this. Try to enjoy baby and fuck any official decisions unless it's what you really want and/or need.

The accident gave him a lot of protection from having to face what he's done - and your new baby has also done the same. By necessity, you've had to keep the lines of communication open and you physically need his help/presence at the moment so he's had little time to really feel the consequences of his affair. I'd honestly say keep him around for the next 6 weeks so that you get time to recover, then I'd make him back right off - see the kids without you around, even just at weekends and make him realise what he's in very real danger of losing. He's done little to make any changes so far - I'd want to see what he is capable of before making any major decisions. I hope you're doing OK Trees and enjoying your new baby in spite of your WH and his ongoing crap.

Florene I can see your point but from what I understand of Trees situation, HE really needs to understand, through his own reflections on his choices, what he needs to do to show his commitment to the marriage and his family.

It seems to me that be relying on Trees to tell him what she wants and what he should do, he's still not taking responsibility. He's still playing little boy and WH. Why should Trees have to organise everything ?!

If he doesn't know that all contact/online gaming with this group should stop he must be an idiot. For what it's worth I think that the discussion was had early on, before the second revelation and he was resistant.

It may be that there is a future for you both, and that reconciliation is a possibility. It has to be on the basis of absolute honesty, him taking full responsibility, and probably an entirely new relationship to be negotiated.

It is so hard not to feel sorry for a DP who has fucked up, especially with so much time/so many memories behind you. Not to mention a new born, and other DC in the mix. I do think though that you have to try and harden your attitude towards him, both for your own good, and the DC, and in actual fact for him if you are ever to reconcile, or even if you do not.

He is simply not understanding the gravity, and awfulness of what he has done, and the ongoing consequences. You are trying to protect him to some extent, which is understandable given where you are, and maybe the existing dynamic anyhow. You don't need to be unkind, just firm and establish boundaries. I genuinely think that this will help the DC at this stage. Stability, knowing when they are seeing him and where is better than the unknown. It doesn't stop him being a good Dad, or giving you the support you need at this point. If he is the Dad you believe him to be he'll step up. If you have suggested he gets a place, then that's something he already knows you want and has essentially ignored. The stuff about nothing suitable, not giving up etc is just excuses.

If he is able to step up and do this, it will tell you a lot. He should be fighting for you, and the marriage and the family set up he wants. Actually doing the difficult things, not just words. It will still be up to you what to do. Space will help you decide.

If he doesn't (horrible scenario, but as others have said a possibility he is keeping OW hanging on) then you will have your answer.