He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

That update made my blood run cold. I wonder if it ever occurred to WH that a married woman who is prepared to travel for hours to fuck a stranger she met on a gaming app might turn out to be unhinged?

Stay strong. OW is jealous.
I would tell WH you've had an email but not bother giving him the details. Sounds to me like he's still in contact.

Just catching up. And many congratulations on the young Sapling! You sound very well, all things considering.

Maybe it's because I was reading your update on the way home from a huge difficult meeting I've been preparing for all weekend, but your update makes me outraged on your behalf!

And you are still so considerate. Don't know how you do it. If the OW is a MNer, then ODFOD to the nth degree.

But seriously, I think this the moment to stop being so caring & reasonable to your WH. He's obviously still in touch, even if at second-hand via his gaming friends; he obviously still has a connection to that world, and is in some way yearning for it.

I think he needs to choose. Unequivocally.

And he needs to know what he is putting in the balance of that choice. You've managed well without him (let's leave aside the huge emotional loss you will/are inevitably feeling)

I'm a list-maker, so here's my list.

1. Don't do the Pick Me dance. You don't need to.

1. He needs to stay away, to realise what he has put in jeopardy. Let him be with the children in a typical EOW and overnight during the week. And not in YOUR house.

1. Or - let's be modern here - let him have full responsibility (child care & all) of his two boys (not the new born) 50% of the time. Let him sort them out in his own home.

1. Is he still gaming? He is the father of three children and he still spends time in a mindless pursuit like that? (Do you get equal time to do your hobbies? OR just sit and do nothing? Really?) Again, he needs to choose.

1. Not sure what I'd do about the OW's email. She's either desperate, manipulative, or both. I'd be inclined to answer in the heat of the moment "Fuck off. Don't ever dare contact me again." But I might think on it overnight, and then at that point, she becomes so unimportant she's not worth bothering about.

1. YOU ARE AWESOME. Look in the mirror & say that whenever you doubt yourself.

Wow.

Can he seriously still be in contact with her/online gaming people? After all he has lost?!

What an idjit. Sounds like hedging his bets in case he can't sort it all out with you ... I hope not, but that sounds like it.

I can’t believe how heartless this woman is, what kind of witch
would do that when a woman has just given birth.
To me it comes across that she’s letting you know she
has a direct line to what is going on in your life.
I really despair at your WH’s behaviour - that he’s brought this mare
of a situation in to your life and entailed all of you good and proper.
What is going through his head that makes a slave to this stupid bloody online game? Keep doing what you’re doing Trees - you’re Grace Kelly to
his Norman Wisdom.

Oh Trees what a WH

I do so hope there's a simple explanation but I fear not and he seems unable to comprehend the huge damage his alter ego/life and his determination to keep it is keeping these wounds raw and open and festering.

You are awesome, rationale and beyond mere kindness.

He is such a Massive dick

Hope sapling is making you smile .... we will taught you for moaning about sapling sleeping in a few months

*taunt even [embarrassed]

Congratulations Trees! I'm so glad that the baby is here safe and sound. You need to absolute read WH the riot act over HOWEVER she found out because he's either still in touch with her or one of his mates is stirring. Despicable, both of them.

If she found out via the gaming mates they've got to go. Completely unacceptable behaviour even if she wasn't harassing you. They are no friends of your marriage and no friends of WH's if he really wants to save it.

Schnitzel that's a brilliant way of putting it.

trees it's not you who needs to make a serious decision. It's your WH. If he doesn't want to man up, then you know the answer.

And will save yourself years of heartache.

Oh my god she is one twisted bitch! If I was you I would completely lose it with him.
I don't think if I was to ever try and work things out with him I could stand him talking to any of them. Hopefully he told one of them that told her and he isn't still speaking to her.

This is awful, Trees. Hope you are OK and not being done for GBH. Lots of love and strength.

I let him live.

He sent a photo of him and the baby to his online friend who passed it to someone who passed it on etc etc etc, which makes me so mad because who knows who has a picture of our little one now! Obviously OW has seen it 🙄

I left him with the email and his new son. He's pissed off that she's trying to wreck our marriage...like he's blameless in that suddenly. He's putting in all this effort and she's trying to stir up trouble. He swears he hasn't spoken to her since I found out.

schnitzel you are so right about either of then travelling that distance being unhinged!

I suppose I should enjoy the quiet from baby boy whilst it lasts 😁 He's still un-named, and I'm getting more drawn towards all your tree names so I think we need to act fast 😂

Thank you as always for keeping me level headed and reminding me he's a W!

Is he totally senseless...just fucking stop with the online friends all together surely to god? Or does the penny just not drop?
God I'm raging on your behalf trees.
And now he's livid with her for trying to wreck your marriage-Jesus.He wrecked your bloody marriage.
Although what goes through her head to send such a message? It beggars belief.

I'm sorry trees, for the continuation of this shit when you just want to have a bit of lovely time with the new baby. It's massively unfair that you are even having to give this headspace.

I'm not trying to bring you down. But he is not simply a W. He is a practiced liar, and has done so to you more than once. He may be telling the truth, but he equally (or more so) may not.

He wants to minimise, and get back to how things were asap. Perhaps with ( what he thinks are) the best of intentions. He may miss you all. He may regret what he did. But that doesn't mean he is owning his culpability yet. Or his responsibility.

A photo that moves that quickly? Wouldn't happen to me, or as you have indicated to you, regardless of the circumstances. I'd have thought he'd be super careful in this situation to avoid anything like what just happened.

Why is he having any contact with the mutual friend group at all, after the second revelation? I understand that after all your years, and life, and family together it is hard to stop believing that who you thought he was is not really him, and this an awful mistake/aberration.

Please, just be careful. And enjoy your wee one!

I'm also not sure what effort he is putting in. Shared parenting is the least you'd expect. And in fact, he's done nothing about getting a place to have DC, and is still pressuring you to have him back by not doing that. What she did is despicable. To you. She may be trying to wreck your marriage, but he offered her the opportunity. Her messaging you is all down to him, and his choices. He needs to own that.

Congratulations on your gorgeous new born! There is something magical about those first few weeks and you can't get it back so don't give either of them headspace. Enjoy those cuddles.

Give WH his tasks and tell him to get on with it with no whining about his feelings or the situation. Explain to him that you want to focus on your lovely new born and his brothers until you are ready for any further discussions.

You will let him know when you are ready to talk and he is to get on with the situation which he put himself in by his behaviour. It is not a punishment but the consequences of what he chose to do.

Frankly, he can do what he wants but I agree with GermanFilmStar, how does he have the time to game ? If that is still his priority, then he has a lot of growing up to do.

What MrsP said, with bells on. Where is the self-examination, where is the work to understand and explain why he chose to behave in this way and how he will ensure he never does it again (to you or any future partner)? He thinks he can hang around looking helpful and you'll forget about the nasty lady who forced his penis into her 😡
I'm afraid I also think it's highly implausible that a photograph of someone you've never met and their baby would be passed around so rapidly by teenagers people who, let's face it, aren't very mature if they're playing a bloody computer game AND coincidentally end up with the OW.
I admire your incredible grace and I'm so sorry you're going through this, but please be wary.

MsP, sorry!

Yea. I know I'm being an idiot about it. It's just a lot.

You're not being an idiot.

But I too agree wholeheartedly with MsP.

Why would his 'online friends' pass the picture onto her? I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw a truck...

Hope you're OK. You absolutely don't deserve this. You are so much better that that shitty man.

Oh Trees this is tough with baby hormones and post operation exhaustion and feeding a new born and managing other small DC. But from someone who is not suffering from all this, it is completely clear that your WH is continuing to maintain contact with the gamers and/or with OW and his bad behaviour is still continuing to impact negatively on you. And this is while he is trying to win you back??!! This is supposedly him at his best and he is still taking the shine off that magic and special new baby arrival time.
I suggest telling him that the separation is now official for the next 6 months.

Everything Mrs P said plus 1 million.

I don't believe his story for a second. Proceed on the assumption that they are still in touch and the OW is at best a deluded narcissist and at worst totally unhinged.

The worst thing you can do with narcissists is give them the attention they crave so keep your dignity and DONT reply to her. Trust me, that'll drive her nuts being ignored.

Any reply you send her she'll probably show your DH in an attempt to make YOU look crazy.

Don't believe a single thing either WH or OW says.

Also, you are amazing, once again.