He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

Mind out for those soft baby hormones betraying you, Trees, he’s
still a cheating WH and you’re still much too good for him.

Fabulous, congrats Trees

If he stays, it will be very difficult for your DC to understand that's he 's not back for good. And I fear, on previous form, he'll take advantage of that, and them.

WH has gone for the night, and taken his overnight bag with him, it's so sad though, watching him with the baby and the boys and the way he's looking at us all. I want this to be the best of times, and it's overshadowed by the fact he would have still been talking too and seeing and probably shagging her! And I want so desperately to be a good role model for my kids and to show them what is and isn't acceptable in their lives, but how do you do it?

Baby boy remains unnamed. I wish this wasn't his start in life 😔

Trees you're a fabulous role model for your boys.
Baby has two parents who love him and two brothers who love him, lucky little chap. And he's warm and fed and cuddled, which is all a baby needs.

He is having the best start in life. You are showing him what a fantastic stong mother he has.

It was always going to be hard. The hormoans are going to really kick in soon. Now is not the time to make any decisions about anything.

Just wrap yourself up in a little bubble. Let the housework go and take care of yourself x

Baby is oblivious to any parent drama. He's got you and brothers and Dad that love him. He's fine. Just keep the milk flowing and he's good. You just need to take care of you. I think with all those hormones raging it will be really hard not to fall back with your WH. That's why I think getting the divorce process started will help draw the line in the sand. Let him woo you back understanding that it has to be a totally new start, new marriage, and no possibility of any other affairs. Otherwise he is likely to cheat again, just be a lot more careful about hiding his tracks. Make him take those marriage vows again, and this time mean it. I think it's really really likely you will get back together. But he needs to know just how destructive having an affair was. And bringing a baby into it was just totally uncool. But now you have a beautiful baby sapling to enjoy so the bright side is pretty dang good. 💐🌷🌻🌸

Congratulations! 🍀🍾🎉

Agree with Sofabitch. Now is not the time to make any decisions. Keep your boundaries in place, tell him to stick to what you've agreed to and with the necessary space you will know what is right for you, give it time.
Baby has everything he needs, two loving parents and two loving brothers. You are doing so extremely well in difficult circumstances.

Allow yourself some time out with your boys, get help organised (not WH) and claim your life back. I wouldn't let him stay over under any circumstances. This is your house, your future, if he's part of that is not clear yet.
Hope the baby blues doesn't reach you, but be prepared for some tough times due to hormonal changes. 💐☕️

I love the name Oakley. I was really, really tempted to name my second boy Oakley, but DH was less so. He did end up with the right name for him, so not all bad. But had we had a third boy...

Your boy has a great start in life: he is very much loved and wanted by you and his siblings. He will feel that love. And you are showing all your children to demand respect and to give it as well.

Glad you are both home safely.

Well done Trees for standing your ground and sending him home. It can't have been easy. I think as tempting as it is to let him in and slide back into family life, it means he faces no consequences for what he's done. And it's often the case that they do it again.

It's hard. No one here wants you to have to do this alone but equally no one wants WH to hurt you more than he already has. There aren't any easy answers but just know there's an army of women behind you and in awe of how amazingly you've handled everything!

Trees, I've been reading all along, you've been so strong.

I myself am 7 years strong with someone who betrayed me early in our relationship. It's taken a lot of time and work, but I respect him and trust him after it all. My OH took full responsibility, came clean, etc.

Don't slip into the old comfortable habit now. Make the big decisions about your relationship later, when the hormones aren't so fresh and the baby isn't just here (congrats by the way!). If your WH spends some time thinking about what he's lost, it will only improve his gratitude for what he does have should you guys reconcile down the line. You need this time for you, otherwise you could jump back into it too soon to know if it's just out of comfort/fear of being alone etc, vs taking the time to be individuals and reflect on what you each need from each other for a relationship.

Separating (permanently or for the time being) does not mean you aren't giving your children the best. If you and WH are both loving involved parents and have as healthy a relationship (whether that's just coparenting or an actual relationship), you are doing the best you can for the children. You've been remarkably strong, and in my experience, the folks who take a step back from a relationship with betrayal seem to have a better chance at recovery than those who just carry on right away. Wishing you the best!

Congrats on baby trees.

Warmest congratulations Trees on the safe arrival of your little sapling!

Well done trees, living separately now doesn't mean it always has to be the case. Keep remembering he had every intention of continuing his affair and has not been truthful since you found out. He is reaping his reward and I very much doubt he feels as shit as you do right now, as he isn't also coping with hormones, breast feeding and day to day life with the kids.

He made this situation and you are proving to your kids that actions have consequences, whilst modelling incredible compassion and positive behaviour in an awful situation. Well done you, you are genuinely an inspiration.
X

Nickname Woody, Chip or Twiggy.

And congratulations!

Trying to maintain some inner tranquillity because I don't want the little one picking up on negative vibes (i'm gonna be a hippy parent ).

Kids collected and dumped at school and WH returned to check what we needed for the day, I said we were fine and he should go do some work. He wants to bring some work stuff over so I can have a nap...

I don't really need a nap I feel grand. Baby is being boring and sleeping all the time though so i do feel a bit starved for company...or stimulation. Wake up and play with me baby!!!

Trees can understand WH wanting to help you and also bond with the baby but.... you need space from him he can work from PILs, presumably he's still staying there, not too far away if you did need to contact him, and assume he will be collecting the boys the boys from school later.

If you don't feel sleepy and looking for stimulation good "racy" book or DVD. xx

Use him as and when needed Sycamore and discard when finished! Baby will start being more awake in a few days and considering he has got you into this mess, no bother about getting him in to cover you for naps. It's a busy stressful time and you need all the help you can get. Doesn't mean you can't tell him to hit the highway later!! Use the wanker! I am actually continually astounded that he was planning a baby with you whilst parking his todger elsewhere and would have carried on had he not been found out. Almost like he had decided that a parallel life was what he needed and just split his brain into two compartments. Wife and lovely family with 3 beautiful kids in compartment 1 and sordid affair with internet hussy in compartment 2. No problems. Go figure.

You on the other hand are a STAR ⭐️⭐️ You will get through this day by day and make the right decision for you in your own sweet time. We are all rooting for you!

Bloody hell Trees you're absolutely fucking fab

I'm in awe of your self control and calmness.

I want to be like you when I grow up

Glad you are feeling fab. And yes he can work elsewhere and when you feel like it and call him he can wait on you hand and foot! You are a boss! And he is a numpty who needs to know his place for the time being.

just had another email of the OW! Congratulating US on the new arrival and hoping I am well, apologising for any trouble caused, in csae i care she is getting a divorce and her husband knows now.

Someone tie my hands together (!!!!) so I don't:

1. strangle him
2. reply to her
3. eat all the ice cream

why would she do that!!!?

WH will be back in about 20 minutes with the boys...how do i not embed a lamp in his head?

Can't believe the OW! What on earth does she think she is doing? And how does she know you've had the baby anyway?

How did she know about the baby? This woman lives thousands of miles away, presumably you don't share friends so this seems to be her way of letting you know she's still there.

Is she stalking you on social media? If not, they must still be in contact.

Exactly. How did she find out. Did he tell his gaming friends who passed on the news to her?
All a bit too close for comfort and another reason he should cut all ties with that game and the people on it.