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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

907 replies

Syc4moreTrees · 24/05/2017 11:05

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

OP posts:

chunk14 · 13/06/2017 11:40

Mamadothehump · 13/06/2017 12:00

I'm another one of the opinion that he should not be moving in. Not just for your sake but your other children. How confusing is it going to be for them if Daddy moves in again the back out in a few weeks/months time?
Reply glad you and baby are ok OP. Look after yourself

Sunshinegirl82 · 13/06/2017 12:16

Could your pil move in for a few days? Or a friend? Not ideal I know but it would solve the problem of you being alone and it must only be for quite a short time now?

I'm sorry you're having to deal with yet more stuff trees! I hope it calms down for you soon.

cornflakegirl · 13/06/2017 12:32

How about a fall alarm? If it's low blood pressure, presumably you'll come round once you're down, so you'd be able to activate it.

NImbleJumper · 13/06/2017 12:45

but he's also concerned i'll fall in a heap

Bit late for his concern, though, isn't it? He should have thought of that as he was booking a hotel room, or on that long train journey. Wanker is exactly the right word here.

From the evidence of this thread, you won't fall in a heap - you've been awesome in what you've done.

It sounds as though he's trying to make you out to be helpless, so you need him to "rescue" you. You don't need him, you really don't. YOu might still be emotionally attached to him & want him, but you don't need a wanker H.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 13/06/2017 12:52

Difficult one Trees especially with the moving as you'll be extra exhausted.

Bambamrubblesmum · 13/06/2017 13:09

Oh trees you didn't make him sound heartless he is heartless. Who cheats on their pregnant wife repeatedly and when caught doesn't show real remorse by actually owning up? If you hadn't found that extra information you still wouldn't have been any the wiser. He was conducting a long term affair with the intention of continuing it after the baby was born.

I totally agree with a pp that him moving in could potentially be very damaging for the children as well. But it will be more horrible second time round as you will be made out to be the bad guy. I can see him saying 'mummy is making me move out' then you'll be left picking up the pieces, along with looking after a new born. There is potential for long term serious relationship issues with your children here if you allow this.

You are a strong, amazing woman. There are better solutions than this. He doesn't get to insist anymore.

BewareOfDragons · 13/06/2017 16:40

"You're the reason my blood pressure is so high in the first place. No, you're not moving in. No, you're not calling the shots. I'll call you if I need you."

Repeat as necessary in a calm, patient voice.

Original poster

Syc4moreTrees · 13/06/2017 16:49

Moved in! That was an exciting if not exhausting day. Ordering pizza for dinner...because i'm a lazy mum.

WH's DB has offered to move in with us...umm...cause that's not completely weird?! Even WH was slightly bemused by that one. We've put a pin in that idea, i'm worried i'll end up in a torrid affair with my BIL (but not really) and have to start further threads.

We have a mutual (male) friend who is looking for someplace to stay for a few weeks whilst he tours his book (so fancy) I thought I might exchange the spare room for his nursemaid services in the night if so required. WH is all agog at the idea of a man (married) staying with me...i suppose by his logic married men often find women to whom they are not married on the end of their penis.

WH is staying for dinner at any rate because the boys have invited him and he's too big a W to say he can't stay. I feel fine health wise so i'm not massively concerned about staying on my own, but equally would feel like a lemon if something happened me and the kids were left alone to deal with it.

FIL would stay but MIL is on oxygen so I don't think he would really want to be away from her overnight, and i wouldn't like to ask him in case he feels he should.

Can i put WH in a tent in the garden?

OP posts:

Lovewatchingrainfall · 13/06/2017 17:02

You can totally put him in a tent or even let him sleep in his car out the front just maybe give him a walkie talkie or something in case you need something.

I have been following this thread closely and I think you are an incredible women to cope the way you have and not throw anything at him or anything. You are so strong and hope that once baby arrives you get your happy ending.

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 13/06/2017 17:11

from personal experience, stand your ground on him staying at his own place. one of my biggest regrets was not holding firm on that point - i think it would have made a huge difference in our chances of reconciliation, and i now realize i didn't stay firm because i was still putting his needs ahead of mine.

Moussemoose · 13/06/2017 17:15

A tent or a big hole? You could think patio if you wanted to go all Brookside on him.

Original poster

Syc4moreTrees · 13/06/2017 17:26

mousemoose - shhhhhh

OP posts:

KeziaOAP · 13/06/2017 17:34

Trees glad the move went well and you are feeling ok after your fall.

What a dilemma, from my experience you need space from him, on the other hand you also need someone close by to take pressue of you worrying about putting the kids in a difficult situation if something happened. Like the idea of a male friend staying!

(Tent sounds good, how about camp bed in garage/shed )

HildaOg · 13/06/2017 17:35

You may want to see what your male friends wife thinks of that first. Your husband deserves what he gets but she may not to be comfortable with that.

FlippinNorah · 13/06/2017 17:38

If he'd done as you asked and rented his own place, he could have had the DCs to stay with him. But that's not his plan, is it.
So he wants to help but only in his own way.

Original poster

Syc4moreTrees · 13/06/2017 17:42

Hilda - i'm not actually going to jump Male friend, and should possibly have clarified that he is currently married to another man, but he has previously enjoyed the company of many females...so maybe that makes it more likely his husband would care, but probably my being massively pregnant will not be a turn on for him at any rate

If it was just a matter of our feelings I would probably let WH stay but things are confusing enough for the boys without adding another layer of fuckery to proceedings.

OP posts:

HildaOg · 13/06/2017 17:45

I wasn't trying to suggest you would! Sorry if that came out wtong. The friend sounds a much better idea than the husband, anything to keep the husband away.

rizlett · 13/06/2017 17:46

Trees just do whatever you need to so that you can get through the next days. You have the capability to explain things so that your boys understand the situation.

Follow your heart.

KeziaOAP · 13/06/2017 17:46

"......currently married to another man...." sounds ideal for him to stay .

Bambamrubblesmum · 13/06/2017 18:22

Ha! Best dialogue in ages!!!

Won't his wife be worried about him staying at yours....

Errr I'm massively pregnant and he's married to a bloke.

That'll be a no then

Mind you, if you did manage to seduce him against the odds that would be a bit of a triumph

RedastheRose · 13/06/2017 18:34

mousemoose*
*
A tent or a big hole? You could think patio if you wanted to go all Brookside on him.

Brilliant

Mumfun · 13/06/2017 18:46

Gay BF ideal nearly as good as patio

so glad WH is not moving in. Getting my WH out immediately was the best best thing I did.

You have done amazingly and fast food for the rest of the week is perfect moving food. And you will be top mummy with the DCs!

Annonymiss123 · 13/06/2017 19:13

WH is all agog at the idea of a man (married) staying with me...i suppose by his logic married men often find women to whom they are not married on the end of their penis.

You are fab Trees

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 13/06/2017 19:33

I think an attractive young male nanny is the perfect solution to your childcare problems after all you're a free agent thanks to WH

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