He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

^^ ignore the above Syc4mores I've just realised there was another page

Hurray for super bro

You are amazing op

Good luck x

To those who have asked, I do believe he is genuinely sorry for hurting us, I think he's disappointed himself and his family have made it clear how they feel about his actions

Sometimes people do make a go of things again after vows have been broken.

That can only happen if they honest and take ownership of what they've done. WH has done neither. The vast majority of cheaters are genuinely sorry they got caught and things have now changed for them.

They don't make the absolute connection that THEY are responsible for the hurt, that therefore they aren't the best thing for the partner they cheated on. Therefore they continue to ignore the needs of their partner by manipulation and continuing go to pursue their own selfish needs, rather than the needs of anyone else. That's exactly what he's done since you found out. It's never been about you and the kids. He had an affair because he was more important than your family, his responses since have been motivated by how this has affected him and how he can minimise the effects on him

Oh Trees. What a 'clown' indeed. You've been dignified and sensitive beyond words. You've been clear that you needed the truth. Each time he has only revealed the minimum he thought he could and has done it again.

Does he care so little for you and especially the emotions of his children when he was guilting you into letting him move into the new house and explore the future with you when the present is STILL based on a pack lies as he hasn't been honest. Had you relented the kids would have been even more confused. He is so so so selfish.

Wow @ExpatTrailingSpouse just read your post. That is fecking ridiculous. I just don't understand why they continue lying. Hope things are better for you now.

I hope you are ok to trees and seeing your brother has helped.

He is such an idiot for not coming clean at the beginning. You were shocked at the infidelity - but at the time would it have made it significantly worse if you had known that it had already happened more than once? I enquire honestly - I think I would have been so upset, that it wouldn't have made me more upset IYSWIM. But that might be just me.

But now - he has not only lied and been unfaithful, he has coninued to lie - and of course one has to wonder what other lies he has told and is still telling. I think it is this (but I might be wrong) which has hardened your resolve.

I would feel like asking telling his parents to keep him away from you for the foreseeable future. Perhaps they could do pick-ups and drop-offs for the children. Otherwise he will simply give you no space at all.

for you Trees

How are you doing today Trees?

Mustang - unfortunately no, i'm stuck in a curious sort of limbo due to my particular circumstances. I wish I'd done as trees had at the very beginning but I wasn't as sure of myself or of the right thing to do. I'm waiting for the time when my position is secure enough to leave.

They continue to lie for so many different reasons: because they believe they can get away with it and that once you've allowed them to get away with the first lie, they don't think the consequences of hiding things are that bad; or that they don't want to face the consequences of owning up to more lies; or that they don't want to look like the bad guy or have it come out that it's so much worse; they don't understand the damage omitting details (especially when asked for them) can do; or they just don't care about what's best for you.

There's no real excuse - any proper counsellor and pretty much all the literature out there stresses that the "wayward spouse" must come clean of EVERYTHING asap, ie the instant they've been found out if there's to be a chance of true recovery. And it's true - in my experience, the drip feeding of more details damages the recovery/reconciliation process far more than if they'd just been completely honest and told everything no matter how bad in the beginning. You get to a point where you don't believe them when they say they've told you everything, and you are unable to ever regain trust because they've shown themselves to repeatedly lie.

trees - only you can know how much detail/how many questions you wish to ask. If you think you can still see a chance of reconciliation in the future and you need to know the details for yourself, i do advise telling him very clearly and bluntly that now is the time to spill everything, not days/weeks/months/years later. Everytime I found out something new, it took me back to day 1 and undid any progress i thought we had made.

If he is like my stbxh he will lie because he thinks he can get away with it. I forgave the first time I found out about him cheating but he never owned it (always lied and minimised what had happened). I found out several years later that he had consistently cheated on me throughout our whole marriage! Basically he wasn't the person I thought he was. It is the regret of my life that I believed his lies that time and wasted a further 8 years.

What is wrong with all these men, I know women do it before I get flamed!!! Why can't they just keep it in their pants or at least be honest with themselves and their partners and say I'm going to shag everything that moves. If you don't like it there is the door. Why lie and promise monogamy when you are truly incapable. It's infuriating.

I'd rather be alone than living a lie and I don't think I'm the only one that feels like that.

Sorry Trees I'm just so shocked at how many other women are saying this happened to them and their ohs have just kept lying. Why is honesty so hard for some.

Trees - it's difficult, and all kinds of horrible as unfair. Of course, it is.

I did want to add something, though. You know how you said that you still loved him, and wanted to but didn't know how to work through this... I think this bit is important. I think not knowing how to - is the driving force here.

You, more that any of us - given your job - know that people lie. And for all hosts of reasons.
He didn't admit to everything right away. But you must have known that.
And - despite how MN sees men - all b/w - it is possible that he was feeling guilty and terrified of ruining any chances with you. And, despite you saying that you wanted to know - he didn't believe that you can take it and still want to try to fix it.

Mind is an interesting thing. It can make up or justify pretty much any decision we make.
If your feeling was that you wanted to forgive and work on it - you would have thought - does it really matter if it was once, twice or three times? It happened, all that matters. And now we need to move past it.

But, because, as it seems to me, I don't think you want/can actually work on it and try to move past it - (and with a baby due any moment - OF COURSE you are not in that frame of mind) - but given that - your mind looks at this and reads it to justify what you want to do.

I am not questioning your decision, just pointing out that there is more than one way for looking at this whole mess.
Ans, in the end, only thing that matters is what you feel you want/need to do.

Good luck

I've been struck by a little bit of sleepy sickness, can't seem to stay awake.

There are lots of things to think about for the future, but for now I think I just want baby to come safe and sound.

Thanks so much to everyone who has taken the time to share their stories or offer advice. It's strangely comforting to know it hasn't just been me. Sorry you've ended up with WH'a too. Xx

@Syc4moreTrees sleepy sickness in the guise of heavily pregnant exhaustion!! Please don't underestimate the toll that all this will be having on you.

Farm out the kids as much as you can and please try to take it easy.

Anything to do with WH can wait.

So sad to read the update regarding the hotel booking but least it could put an end to the guilt of not helping him as much as he was expecting.

Carry on with the sleeping just get all the rest you can till baba comes and yes to farming out the kids as much as possible so you can rest

It may be not just pregnancy exhaustion but an adrenaline crash as well. You've kept going in the most amazing way for so long, but no one can keep it going like that forever, especially not in the last stages of pregnancy. I really hope you have all the help you need right now and can just go to bed for a couple of days.

You've done amazingly well in the circumstances and must be emotionally as well as physically exhausted, you need all the sleep you can get. Concentrate on you and the impending birth. Take care xx

How are you today, Trees?

It's all a bit crazy, I had a little dizzy spell in the night and fell and bumped my head, had to phone WH to come to the house so I could go to the hospital and get a little monitor on for the baby. I've had high blood pressure most of the way through the pregnancy and then it suddenly dropped. Thankfully all is well with the bubba, and I just have a bit of a black eye. Annoyingly though WH is insisting in coming to stay until d-day because he doesn't want the kids to be left alone if my waters broke or if I go a bit wilty again.

I could ask friends if i can stay with them and he can stay at home, or maybe see if PIL would take me in and he can stay with the boys...although I do think those would be big asks and even though lots of people would want to help I would feel like a bit of a plum.

Today is moving day, so much chaos has ensued.

If he moves back in now you won't get him out again. You phoned him this time you can phone him if you need him to have the children again. Him being there isn't going to help your blood pressure neither will you moving out.

He can insist all he wants. If you don't want him there then he shouldn't be here.Why should you have to move out to avoid him? It's not his House, he can, quite frankly, get to fuck.

Glad you are ok The and bump.
Best of luck for move day.

I can understand why you wouldn't want to be constantly arguing at this stage, you must be exhausted and fed up with it all.

Why is it though that every single solution involves him moving back in with you? Could he not take the boys to PIL for a few days to give you a rest? It's your house, he has no right to insist anything, but please check your legal position if he does move back in temporarily in case it gives him any sort of right to stay there.

I hope your move goes well and the most important thing is for you to look after yourself and the baby.

Don't let him move in. He's looking for any excuse. You'll never get rid of him. And certainly don't leave YOUR home so he can move in!!!!

Don't let him move in.
You aren't the first woman to do this alone.
Could a family member or friend come and stay with you for a couple of days if necessary.
As other say, once he's got his feet under the table there will be not getting rid of him.
You'll be vulnerable and hormonal after the birth.
Sleep deprived etc..... and then that's more excuses to stay.
It will be never ending.

Good luck with the move.
Exciting times ahead!

I think I made him sound a bit heartless there, he's still a Wanker, but he's also concerned i'll fall in a heap and there'll be no one around to look after me or the kids. Our oldest would happily use a phone, but i wouldn't want to scare him if i have a fit of the vapours.

It's like that man with a boat and a chicken fox and bag of grain. We need someone to babysit me (the fox, obviously) and someone to babysit the little bags of grain, but if you leave me with the chicken shit husband I will rip him apart (metaphorically)(also he probably won't eat the kids) (Not really working as a metaphor)

Ten points to whoever solves the riddle

Actually you know what Trees maybe there is another way short term to deal with this

Your fairly good at clamping down on the emotional stuff, so why not park all of this in a mental folder and file it under WH to be continued.

You need help yes? He wants to help, so use him then, you don't have to promise him anything and any assumptions he may draw from it are on him.

If you can mentally think/know I'm going to kick your arse when I feel strong enough and not vulnerable, maybe that thought process will allow you to get all practical matters out of the way.

You so far have not made any decisions because time and fate have done that for you, so how about just ticking along for now, and as Richard Burton said "quietly make your plans against him" ( war of the worlds)

This is not a war that you have to fight right now, I think put on your poker face and sit back and watch the silly man run himself ragged trying to make it up to you.

Oh then kick his arse, revenge is a dish best eaten cold remember
💐😏

Could your MIL or FIL not stay with you for a few days to help out?