He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

Oh Trees {{{{{big hugs}}}}} that is so gutting, when you've been calm, open, and trusting.

I want you to get angry, but I understand how hard that is.

I wish you all the best - you are awesome! . Your WH needs to see what he has thrown away. His actions were not those of impulse or chance opportunity - he was planning & calculating. Leaving you all the while to do all the emotional and actual labour of looking after the family.

He needs to realise the value of what he's thrown away.

All this will pass.

All the pain, and the tears, the loneliness, that feeling in your stomachs, all of it will pass. You have to believe that.

And then you will become a new independent person who can bring up your kids, be good at your job and in your own time find love again.

All this will pass.

I've read both threads and just wanted to add my virtual support to you as I couldn't quite believe your update...

I am in awe of the way that you have been with him through all this, so dignified i would have been a screaming banshee but others are right, from now on it needs to be firmly about you and your DCs and the baby's needs. He's used up all his good grace by not having the decency to come clean when he had the chance to, what an absolute cunt he is to do that to you and your family

You are awesome and you will come out of this stronger if that's possible so glad you have a lovely DB that you can get support from and I hope that you do not hide his dirty secret and tell friends so that you can get support from them too, what a wanker indeed.

Something's not quite right here if, as Paperdoll says, you saw all their messages. I think you might have to steel yourself for the possibility there's been more than one OW.

God love you.
How feckin' awful.
Give Super Bro' a big hug from the MN massive!
Lean on him and others.
They will want to help you.
Take all the help you can right now.
Don't be precious or a martyr!

Darling, take this utter wanker to the fucking cleaners. Use every possible resource, every colleague and contact at your disposal.

He deserves nothing less.

No words...

Also OW would surely have told you in that email if they'd met up more than once.

Your WH is a fool. You have given him every possible chance to come clean and sort this out, but still be continuous to deceive you. What's worse, he's been laying it on thick, making you feel guilty.

By agreeing to try for another baby he has put you in a very vulnerable position. I'm so angry that he could do this to you and your kids.

You have been so fair and rational. You are stronger than you know! I'm so glad your DB is there for you.

OW's email wasn't actually specific on dates and times etc, I assumed (stupidly) that she was referring at all times to the time I knew about. It was also very rambling so it's possible I've just read what I wanted to into it. Although obviously it could be that there was a second woman closer to home (YUK!)

There was definitely no mention of a visit to Scotland in the messages I have a copy of. I don't know if that means they were deleted at some point or whether they would have emailed or just spoken about the details. I haven't asked him, because I think if i start down that road and if i see him i will probably want to do bodily harm to him.

Part of me wants to know everything, and the other part knows it will make no difference now.

The legal side will be ironically enough the easiest part. I have helpful contacts on that front and can hopefully detach myself from the emotion of it whilst there are practical steps to take.

Do the messages have the dates on?

I understand you wouldn't want to keep delving but you could cross-reference (I shouldn't be telling you this 😝) those messages with the date of the hotel booking because it would be very strange if it wasn't mentioned before or afterwards if everything else was still there.

God I'm so sorry. The only positive I can find is that at least you know now, not six months down the line.

I'm so glad your brother is there to support you. I'm so sorry he took advantage of your trust, he's had repeated chances to come out and tell you the whole story. He had to, to even stand a chance at a future but he chose not to. Says it all. Don't let his behaviour mar your last days of pregnancy - I'd tell him to stay well away and contact will be on your terms from now on. Sending hugs.

How are you trees?

Oh OP, gutted to read he update. Still in awe of your calm dignity. So glad you are well supported and well placed to get WH legally disentangled from you! I love the PP message 'this will pass'. Never a truer word written. You will endure, with your lovely DC because you are strong and lets face it, bloody awesome. Thinking of you. Hope seeing DB has helped some!

I feel sick for you reading your update op. I am so so sorry.

Enough now I think...he's had his chances and shown himself to be not worthy of your or your children.

Strength op. and lots of love to you.

God, how awful.

I admire your restraint. How very good you sorted the house without him.
You need breathing space. Keep him at a distance. I'd suggest not being on your own with him again. He's draining all your energy with this deliberate headfuck.
You need your strength for the baby.

Oh Trees! I'm so sorry! What a mess he's made of things!

Be strong! Enjoy the support of ur brother!

It's amazing that u r such a strong composed person and u have acted with great dignity under the circumstances. But I'm so angry on ur behalf! He just doesn't seem to get how badly he has behaved! For someone who said u spent too much time together and that's y he cheated, this makes no sense! He clearly had too much time to himself to fuck around frankly! He's obviously not sorry for what he did, he's simply annoyed he got found out. Wonder what else u would find if u dig around.

Don't know what to say other than big hug and hope everything goes well with the baby. Try not to stress and I'm sure things will sort themselves out.

And get ur bro to punch his bloody face!

He's just shown you that your trust in him (including a very generous attempt at giving him a second chance) has been totally misplaced.

I can't see that he deserves any more chances, frankly.

Take this opportunity and run a mile while you have the impetus. It's fantastic that you are so on the ball in terms of the legal side and this should make sure you also manage to separate your home life cleanly.

What a total tosser! You deserved so much better!

Unbelievable.

He blew his chance to come clean. And for what?! What?!

Really sorry, Trees. You deserved better.

Have read both your threads and felt my heart sink for you through it all, especially with the latest revelation.

I'm sorry to say it, but I think there'll be even more that he hasn't owned up to. I finally caught on that my WHs two week work trip was actually a holiday with OW. He insisted daily that he'd told me everything. Marriage counsellor told him it was imperative he came clean about everything. Swore he was telling the whole truth blah blah blah.
My shell shocked brain finally registered that two week holidays together don't come out of nowhere ... I just kept confronting him and he kept drip feeding various details daily and weekly. Even months later I was still finding out new stuff he had omitted. Turned out he had met up with her on every single business trip he'd been on in the previous 14 months to me finding out. Including the one where I met him in Paris with our 11 month old son, and he came to meet us at the station after having spent two days with her.

And I can tell you, you're doing absolutely the right thing. Your priority now must be yourself and your children - it took me a long time to stop trying to fulfill his needs and priorities first instead of looking after myself and DS first.

Part of me wants to know everything, and the other part knows it will make no difference now.

Wise trees. Sometimes knowing more tends to hurt us more. If you know enough to know what you will do maybe leave the past in the past and focus on your future.

Keep reminding yourself what he did was no reflection of you - not your fault - you are not to blame - and you not realising is a reflection of your honest and open character. Some people forget how important trust is.

Remember these feelings or anger, hurt, betrayal etc etc are temporary and actually belong on his shoulders not yours.

Urgh. I'm sorry you've had to go through this trees. I'm also flabbergasted that he was SO manipulative trying to stay at your house and work there etc and was so accepting of help from you with his work etc. When it's nothing it do with you!! You're heavily pregnant, emotional and he is in the wrong!! I'm really sorry he lied to you too and hopefully this will put an end to his incessant pressure to take him back. I also think it was a dick move of his to tell the kids "it's up to mummy" about him moving back in!!! Take some time for yourself and enjoy the baby when it comes. Don't let him abuse your kid heartedness like he has done. The fact that he was letting you try to organise his work etc just shows what a man-baby he is. Also the OW emailing you is a massive red light, if they weren't "serious" she would never ever have gone there. I reckon there is more to uncover. I wish you the best as you deserve it! Xx

Kind-heartedness not kid! X

So hang on a minute not only are you heavily pregnant and in the middle of a house move, with two young children

He's the one who fucked up but he's continually putting pressure on you to put his needs first and sort out his shit for him

Have I got that right ? He sounds more worried about himself

If he really loved you Yours and the Children's needs would come first the fact that he thinks a few hot dinners, a house move and a hell of a lot of gaslighted conversations and a concerted effort to coerce you into taking him back all this poor me bullshit. Google covert narcissist

He's done a real number on you I'm sorry to say and he's going to exploit this baby coming to get what he wants that's not love at all

Get a night nurse/nanny the support you really need and some distance from him you are NOT responsible for him all. Time to take back your peace so you can enjoy your new baby.

PND is a real prospect if you don't protect yourself

Please be gentle with yourself