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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

907 replies

Syc4moreTrees · 24/05/2017 11:05

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

OP posts:
Janeinthemiddle · 09/06/2017 10:23

He is a good for nothing waste of space. In a way, at least now you don't have to regret allowing him to stay in YOUR new home.

KeziaOAP · 09/06/2017 10:26

What a prat, so sad for you trees xx

MummysMaison · 09/06/2017 10:29

He's an idiot and i'd be now going through everything with a fine tooth comb (well i probably would have done before now).

I do think you are amazing though, i wouldn't have handled this situation with as much strength as you have. All through this you seem to be worrying about everyone else above yourself, even your WH to an extent. Look after yourself Trees. Hugs xx

Sunshinegirl82 · 09/06/2017 10:36

Idiot. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. You sound so lovely in your posts, makes him seem like even more of a knobber.

Have you told him that this changes things for you? How did he respond?

Mumfun · 09/06/2017 10:43

So sorry Trees it is so painful Flowers

I know you didn't want it this way but now you have closure. And although so painful and awful it may be better long term.

Look after yourself and your kids. Detach from WH. Lean on friends. Tell those you want to. Do not cover up for WH

Tell your children age appropriate stuff. I would tell them that Dad had done some things that had hurt me so you are going to live apart for the moment. Always tell your children the truth as they need you to be reliable and trustworthy.

Im glad you dont feel the need to look after WH any more.

I don't know if you need to think about sexual health testing as WH may not have used condoms. But you may have been fully tested through pregnancy. Horrible to think about but necessary I think.

You have done amazingly in everything. Its especially fantastic that you have your new home peaceful and free of him. Hope you can get some rest and sleep over next couple of weeks.

Mustang27 · 09/06/2017 10:48

I am so glad you bloody pried and the truth has been so hard to drag out him from the start I highly doubt they just sat with a cuppa and had a chat!!!

I'd email ow and ask her her account of this meet up? It's very strange she hasn't mentioned considering the monkey sex email Hmm. Could there have been someone else?

I'm so mad but relieved that he has somewhere to stay so he isn't in your way. I don't know how your brother hasn't killed him.

ohfourfoxache · 09/06/2017 11:02

Oh my darling Trees Sad

I wish there was something I could do or say that would take your pain away. What an absolutely disgraceful, lying cunt he is Angry

Trees I'm so sorry love. I'm just so sorry xx

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/06/2017 11:08

Oh Trees. What an absolute twunt that man is. FlowersFlowersFlowers

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/06/2017 11:11

Also, while I admire your quiet dignity I think it's time to get very very angry.

SnootBooper · 09/06/2017 11:18

Trees, his is a fucking disgrace. I would be on the phone to his parents and tell them everything. You are amazing.

plinkyplonkydappledonkey · 09/06/2017 11:28

Arghhhhhh, where's the " like " button on this thing?!!!
I've followed your thread from the start and I just wanted to say " you utter utter star! " You have dignity and grace in buckets and I for one could only dream of being so composed. You have my utmost respect BUT in the light of the new evidence ( and I think you know that possibly with a little dig around, goodness knows what you'd find ) I'd start getting just a tad furious now ( actually I'd get psycho right now!) and stop being so calm!
What a disgrace to men, to marriage he is.

Moussemoose · 09/06/2017 11:28

So, so sorry.

ohfourfoxache · 09/06/2017 11:39

Agree with ^ Trees. You need to get angry.

I also think that it would be a good idea to update your ILs- you need all the support you can get. And it would be helpful if you can cut through his bullshit.

ShesNoNormanPace · 09/06/2017 11:40

So he's had all of this time to tell you the truth, and he still didn't?

kaitlinktm · 09/06/2017 12:09

He's been lying (by omission) all this time. He needs to remember that you have proof (her email) of his adultery and could file for divorce quickly on those grounds. In fact (you will know better than I do) I think there used to be a six-month limit on filing on the grounds of adultery - is that still the case? Does he know this?

He wasn't worried at all was he? He has minimised, not told his parents the full story until forced, not take the minimum actions required of him to show he was taking it seriously until forced, taken his time sorting out his accommodations - even expecting you to sort this out. He would have just kept on if he hadn't been found out - I wouldn't be surprised if there was still more he hasn't told you, but I dare say that makes no difference now. He is despicable Trees - and he dares to be irritated that you looked at a card statement.

Words fail me.

Original poster
Syc4moreTrees · 09/06/2017 12:11

He's an utter clown. He was given the gift of my trust to tell me everything when it first came out. He doesn't get that anymore. I try to be reasonable but I don't think I could have made it any easier for him to confess to everything than I did.

His accounts for his business are currently on route to my lawyer, along with the details of all his other accounts and details of his new car. He's going to have a look at the financial side for me, though I suspect I will be better to just walk away from his business on the understanding he walks away from mine.

I think the more i do right now the better, since i'll have the little one to occupy all my time soon enough.

I've spoken to my PIL. They are upset, but supportive of me and the kids (for now at least).

WH appeared this morning after I didn't answer any of his calls or texts all night, because he was concerned something might have happened with the baby. I won't row with him in front of the kids but I think i conveyed my displeasure at his appearance and he left to drop the kids to school.

I'm going to waddle to a coffee shop and wait for super-bro.

OP posts:
SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/06/2017 12:13

You're still awesome

Greenifer · 09/06/2017 12:15

So sorry, Trees. What an arsehole. Glad you have your family around you.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 09/06/2017 12:16

Has he answered why he thought it appropriate to have a baby with you while also pursuing an affair?

kaitlinktm · 09/06/2017 12:17

I think calling him a clown is generous in the circumstances.

Thank goodness you have your brother!

I don't think I could have made it any easier for him to confess to everything than I did
He was given the gift of my trust to tell me everything when it first came out. He doesn't get that anymore.

^ I hope you have said this to his face.

You are so on the ball with the legal side - I know I would have been dithering about in your situation.

What a selfish manchild he is proving himself to be.

Bambamrubblesmum · 09/06/2017 12:21

What a tool. He's blown it.

Bloody good thing you bought the house on your own.

Have you decided about the birth? I know others have said he should be there, but if it was me I'd want someone who was emotionally supportive not trying to worm their way back in. You're going to feel vulnerable and tired, I would suggest that is not the time to open your soul and let the anger out. Whatever has occurred, you and baby are meeting for the first time. Enjoy the magic of that moment with out him tainting it.

kaitlinktm · 09/06/2017 12:24

OMG yes - what a good job you acted so quickly with the house! Imagine the situation now if you hadn't!

Hope you can sort something out for the birth OP.

saffronwblue · 09/06/2017 12:27

Oh you must feel the ground shattered beneath you again. What an idiot he is. From here on it must all be about you, the baby and your dc. Glad you have a lovely bro.

Paperdoll16 · 09/06/2017 12:39

How awful for you. A double blow.

And to think he suggested he went to London, realised his mistake and never had any intention to go back to London. Yet you've now found out of her going all the way to Scotland. That explains her bunny boiler behaviour as she's probably head over heels with him, especially with the time frame of it going on. 😷

I wondered, you had found their entire message history, hadn't you? But it wasn't on there? Or had it been previously deleted and you only saw the last couple of months.

Either way, he's an almighty Dick. He has such an approachable and understanding wife who had offered him a life line, and he chose to minimise! Hmm

Hope you have a nice catch up with your bro Flowers

UnicornSparkles1 · 09/06/2017 12:55

What a lying, cheating, cowardly, pitiful excuse for a man. I am so sorry Trees.

Definitely explains OW's bunny boiler tendencies, she's been strung along for months.

I'm so sorry.

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