He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

Maybe it's time to remind him that he created this situation and that it's his responsibility to make suitable living/working arrangements - not yours.

Please don't let him guilt you into having him there. You need time to make a decision that's right for you, not one he has decided is right for him.

This will not be easy to do if he's constantly there chipping away at you to do what he wants.

This relationship is all either of us have ever known, and maybe i'll find out that actually I can exist outside of him.

This is exactly what he is afraid of which is why he's desperate not to give you thinking space.

Your old relationship is over and will never be the same again. If you choose to build a new one with him that is your choice, to be made consciously and slowly after the baby has arrived and when you reach a mutual understanding. He doesn't understand this yet, which is why he's getting desperate to move back in. He hasn't really faced up your the full consequences of his actions. Yes he feels bad but I would suggest he sees this as a bump in the road not a seismic event.

Hate to be a broken record but he was fully intending to go for a second visit. That says a lot.

He was big enough to set up a fuck date in London. He'd already arranged another one when you caught him out...

He is big enough to sort out his living and working life.

Tell him to stop whinging, you're not having him live with you, and to sort it out.

His room, his desk space, his truckery. It is not your problem.

Keep repeating that to yourself, keep repeating that to him. It is not your problem.

It is his responsibility to sort out. Don't like it? Don't have an affair then.

This relationship is all either of us have ever known

Well, technically, it's all you have ever known. Out of interest, had he booked his second shagging session with gamergirl for before or after your baby was due?

I can't believe he seems to think it's up to you to sort out his working, living and childcare issues. Don't bother your head with it - it's not your problem

I think I've been a bit too soft about the whole thing from his point of view. I haven't done the yelling and threatening to cave his head in routine, even though i want too, and have tried to keep things "normal" when the kids are around. He's always been more connected to his emotions than i have so i know if it was the other way round there would be histrionics. I prefer to try and process quietly, and I sort of suspect he is using this to persuade himself that it isn't as bad as it all actually is.

I don't hate him, I love him, which is obviously a problem now, i don't know whether we will get past this or not, and as total curve ball my line of employment means i see a lot of very strange people and defend a lot of things which people would regard as indefensible. I see all the darkness that the world has to offer, and if we can sort through this and still be rational and dignified human beings i'm all for it. I think what has gone wrong is that I haven't been clear on the boundaries because I don't want to invite more turmoil.

It is his problem though, all of it, and I don't think it's unreasonable for me to not continue to try and fix problems and present him with answers that for the sake of our future he needs to arrive at on his own.

In short...i've probably not handled it all very well, and i'm partly to blame for him bumbling about waiting on me to save the day.

I think i need to be stronger and more clear about what i want, and he needs to look after the kids interests more than he has been, because i really do feel a little bit exhausted. I don't want to be selfish and I know I can't abdicate responsibility for things in our lives right now, I just really need him to handle this.

i guess that's what i need to tell him, without the fear that i'm adding to the problems.

P.S I'm sure this doesn't make sense. sorry!

Been lurking for a while sending your moral support, but slight left field idea if you still have need alternatives (though frankly I agree that's really his problem as you have more than sufficient of your own that he's caused). If his DP have a garden, and there is some money available, could he build an outdoor room to work in? My ILs have a posh one with heating and electricity - it was pricey though.

You're just dropping back into old 'safe' patterns of behaviour trees. You have handled all of this really well and continue to do so. You have a very mature outlook most of the time - just when things get too much it becomes more difficult.

It takes practice to let go and allow other people to sort out their own problems but it also allows them to be more responsible and gives further opportunity to accurately assess their true character.

You don't have to be the person who solves everything. It's ok not to be that person at times.

These people are right. This is not your solution to sort out.

Finding a solution is his problem. He might need to look at a wider rental area. But it's not up to you.

Besides one day of looking is nothing.

Be kind to yourself. He made this mess not you.

Hey

I agree with you about the emotion not being visible for him to see from you, I think your profession negates the need for emotion, because a lot of it is probably quite unsavoury.

I think maybe your probably suppressing a lot of stuff right now, which professionally for you is the norm, but personally is going to cause problems. Your right you are possibly excusing away a lot of stuff, because on the scale of stuff you see daily, it's not right up there with the worst.

I think have the baby, and when recovered go see a real decent therapist, this stuff will leak out eventually op, it won't be stopped ever, emotions only stay dampened down for so long.

💐let him shoulder the burden, it maybe what he needs to grow up a bit, you need to batten down the hatches and crack on. There only so much you want or need to do right now, you just sit back and watch, actions speak louder than words right now

My mum says if you don't need to make a decision then don't make one, you havnt changed, he did, it's on him now.

Trees you amazing lady!! You are doing a fabulous job in more than trying circumstances. As others have said, his living/working arrangements are his problem. He can manage to book a train to London & a hotel room for himself to shag some random, so now he can sort our some useful shit. If he's truly sorry, he'll respect your need for space & time.
Look into getting help for the first 2wks when baby trees comes and don't let him have a key to YOUR home to come/go as he pleases.
You need your privacy and time to breathe. Get as much rest as you can while you can and always be kind to yourself xx

Stumbled across your thread recently Trees. Others have given better advise than I can relationship wise - I can see why you are being so level headed though - it's the nature of your profession. But I can offer advise with regards to his need for office space. Plenty of secure serviced office spaces available for rental in or close to major Scottish cities. (Regus etc)

just wondering-he must know you really well and can probably predict your reactions to things. I'm wondering whether he consciously or subconsciously thought he could get away with it for this very reason-that you might always want to be balanced, fair, not fly off the handle, or make rash decisions? I think you are right about not showing emotions. I sometimes do this but it just means the other persons thinks everything is hunky dory and then expects me to be back to normal. It's ok to feel and show anger in this situation.

Having had a teary, huggy chat recently I wonder whether you should reduce communication to texts for a bit? It's a bit more formal and you can state what you like without be off railed to what suits him. Keep interaction to bare minimum to do with kids and get that space and distance from him-it's also about building your confidence that you can manage without him. He's ventured into a life outside your shared existence. Don't be afraid to do the same.

Hi Really good idea to use some texting Riding . And separate out a little more. And also do it onsciously which will hopefully communicate to him too.

You are tired and actually after the baby arrives it would be good for him to take kids away to his parents frequently and let you concentrate on your new bairn. I would give him total responsibility for feeding them for the first week (or maybe in conjunction with any help you have)

And absolutely do not let him have a key to the new house.

Also just to warn you my exH refused to do any work on himself would not have counselling and never had any remorse after he had an affair and 8 years later he still tries to blame me and sent me emails doing so during the whole divorce process including court. It is not a healthy situation to repartner with. He should be jumping to it and doing everything you want and not blaming you at all.

You don't need to make anything east for him.
He cheated on you!
He lied to you!
He planned what he did!
He broke your family unit!
He should be work his arse off to try and make it up to you.
If he can't find somewhere to work he needs to duck it up and try harder.
It's not your job in your marriage/ family to fix it every time. He did wrong not you he needs to fix it.

@Syc4moreTrees you are doing such a great job but please remember the following:

This is not your doing.
He is an adult. A capable adult that made a choice.
YOU are the one needing love & support right now. He is NOT the victim here and not remotely hard done by.
YOU are in control.
And again.... This is NOT YOUR DOING.

It's that simple.

And I know of several set ups in my nearby Scottish city that have groups of professionals sharing offices/space.

Just an example fleet collective

Time to tell him to grow a pair and find something suitable like that for his laptop & fuckwittery sorry trickery sorry truckery....

This was me 40 plus years ago – OW, conference, opportunity. Had been together six years, married for three of them, in the process of buying our dream home. I found a letter after the meeting, no internet then, and internal mail at work. OW was employed at another branch of the company. She was in an unhappy marriage he’d been talking to her on a company phone for a few weeks before the meeting giving her a shoulder to cry on. I confronted DH he confessed said he totally regretted what he’d done; I was absolutely devastated and very angry.

DH went to stay with a relative to give me space, said he was ashamed with himself hadn’t contacted her other than to tell her it was a very big mistake. I also worked at the same company, different department, we met once a week for lunch to talk, he was very attentive listening to me but still giving me the space I needed. DH always kept things bottled up and found it difficult to talk about his emotions, he was always the listener in our relationship whereas I was the talker. He did express deep remorse for what he'd done. Loved him so much he was my world, couldn’t imagine living without him in the dream home we'd chosen together, decided to go ahead with house purchase and take things day by day. The marriage was different we became closer, had a very loving fulfilled relationship and two beautiful children. Together for 46 years, five years ago about to celebrate our 40th wedding when DH died suddenly. Have no regrets, lots of happy memories, so glad I decided to give him another chance.

Trees H needs to understand you need space at the moment at what is a very emotional time for you, let him help only when you feel you need it.

^^ Totally agree with what Guiltypleasures001 says xx

In answer to your earlier question looking for feedback on going back to DH, whether you regretted etc, in my honest opinion I think you would be hard pushed to find someone who didn't go back to their husband and regretted it. But at the same time there are cases of people going back to their husbands and things have gotten better and they've not regretted it. Likewise there are people who've gone back and regretted it (as we've seen a few cases of both sides following this thread).

In my own personal experience (and it's happened more than once), I've gone back and they've done it again. Both times. The second time that was it and I didn't go back. Both times I regretted not leaving them in the first place, but I think had I left in the first place I would not have learned so much from the experiences as I have. I have no regrets and life is much happier now then I ever was with them (and it's only upon looking back that you realise how unhappy you were, when you felt like you were happy, and also seeing your then-partner in a true light as opposed to the in-love haze you see them in now). I think it's important to remember that life has a funny little way of working things out down the line. But you have to make a choice that is right for you and only you can make that choice.

It's all gone a little bit wrong.

WH has sorted out his living arrangements, we have a friend who is going travelling for a year and he has agreed to WH having his flat and having the kids there. A little bit further from the new house than is absolutely practical but otherwise fine. He's going to call some places today about the office space, but actually I would sooner ram his laptop down his throat than concern myself with his working arrangements.

Our conveyancing solicitor sent WH's bank statements that they had taken for proof of funds back because he has no reason to keep them when the house is proceeding in my sole name...all fine...I was punching and filing them when i noticed a payment to a local hotel from near the start of the year. Phoned WH to ask about it, he was initially annoyed I had been prying through his stuff...umm...ok...very good...dickhead...but eventually asked if it was better if he just told me everything.

The trip to London was the return visit. She had come to Scotland about 7 weeks before that and they had spent the day in a hotel. Apparently not having sex, just a drink and a face to face meeting since they'd spoken for so long and thought it would be fun to meet. I wasn't aware you needed a bloody hotel room to have a drink.

On the bright side I suppose this negates to need for me to agonise over making hard decisions. My lovely brother is arriving today to take WH's boxes to his parents, although actually they could just as easily go on the drive and be surrendered to the pissing rain when I come to think of it.

The whole thing is ridiculous and I feel like a complete idiot. He was so keen to have a baby but that's probably just been that thing people talk about where they think a baby will solve things. Not that he deigned it pertinent to mention to me that we even had a problem to solve! I can't comprehend why he would allow us to get pregnant when he was also going to go meet his little internet girlfriend and shag her!

Why would he do that. To us, to the kids, to the baby? what is wrong with his head. If he didn't want to be with me he could have left, why create this ridiculous situation.

Sorry to have just launched into a rant! i'm mostly incoherent today and trying to keep my blood pressure stable for the bump. Don't want to shake the poor wee might loose at this point.

deep breaths!!!

O my goodness. What an idiot. And he was annoyed you pried?? Well if he only did his own jobs he would have filed his own paperwork. Stupid stupid man.

Sycamore-sending hugs and all my virtual strength to you. This is so bloody unfair. Just so sorry you are in this situation. I don't know any of you personally but I think it's unforgivable what he's done-getting you pregnant with all, this going on and then trying to worm his way back in.

In a way-the decision you were wavering on has kind of been made for you-devestating but atleast there is clarity. Please please look after yourself. One day at a time, baby and house, DCs, we are here for hand holds. It WILL get better, you WILL get through this to a stronger you and a better life without this scumbag
💐💐💐

I'm so sorry Sycamore

he is such a stupid man. I am so sorry for you.