He had an affair...breaking out the Ben & Jerry's (2)

[Syc4moreTrees]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/thirty_days_only/2914533-If-hes-having-an-affair?

Not sure if I've managed to create a link to the old thread...someone more tech savvy can maybe help me out a little bit if not?

The old thread closed before i could thank you all again for all the collective wisdom, it's been a very surreal month to say the least, but it's been crazy how much support you can get from a bunch of lovely strangers.

So thanks!! You're all awesome!

Trees well done. I hope you can feel that you have some space and time while kindly keeping the lines of communication open.

I think that all sounds sensible and the best way through this for now.
Glad you feel calmer.Time to couch on yourself and the baby (and other dc) for now.

Am so pleased. There is no need for snap decisions here. YOU are THE most important thing at this point. Both your physical & mental well being.

That sounds good.

It looks like you're taking back control - well done.

Great news! So glad the pressure is off you and you are able to take your time figuring this out with the space you need. 💐

That all sounds really sensible Trees, there's no way you can process this right now and make a decision. It's far too much.

Just one thought (and I really don't mean to sound patronising so apologies if I do!) but have you had a section before?

I only ask because I had an emcs with DS and I would not have been safe to look after him by myself (never mind other children as well) for at least a week, possibly 2 weeks after the surgery. I just wonder if the section might mean that, unless other plans are put in place, he HAS to stay with you for a while after the baby comes.

I think if funds allow I would seriously consider buying in some night time help for the first couple of weeks so that it always remains a choice for you if he stays in your home. He could help in the day perhaps but it seems like you should be able to be by yourself at night if you would like to be.

You are a complete star Trees. You've handled this awful awful time with such courage and dignity.

A planned c-section (I've had three) is much easier to recover from than an EMCS but you'd need help for a few days (mainly with the older children IME).

trees really pleased you had a productive talk with H and he realises you need space.

x

We've hit a slight snag in the master plan. There are no reasonable rentals in the area and, seeing the wisdom of you all, we don't want to just have a room because the kids can't stay over then.

I don't want to end up with a situation where they can only spend time with their dad out and about at soft plays and cafes, but is it unreasonable to ask him just to take a room and then also tell him i'm not keen to have him hanging around MY (not our) house all the time on the pretence of seeing them?

The room doesn't actually solve his work situation either I've just realised. At the minute he has a rubbish little set up in the corner of his parents living room, which I would guess is going to test the patience of all of them.

Anyone have a practical solution that I haven't thought of yet?

Does he have any single friends he can house share with? With regards to work space, aren't there any facilities nearby where he can rent a desk on an hourly/daily basis? These are quite popular now so likely available, unless you live in a remote area.

Lovely,

Why is it always you that has to come up with the answers to everything, he's a bloody grown arse man
Why is t this his problem ? You havnt hit a snag, he has, funny how that's worked to his advantage yet again.

Your having a baby imminently, is that not enough for you to be going on with then? Or are you his part time estate agent as well. Honestly how the hell did wanker husband get along in life before you rocked up?

Step back from everything, you can't control everything and shouldn't have too, he's being a lazy fucker
And allowing you to take part or take over his decisions.

He would still be shagging her remember that, he caused this whole scenario, you have not even come close to dealing with any of it.

Let the man deal with his own shit, your kids will go where ever he sticks himself, please stop enabling his cozy little set up, he doesn't deserve or warrant it right now.

He has work to do on himself, I've read nothing so far that indicates he has any clue what he has forced upon you. That counsellor statement was laughable, and no ethical core lead therapist would utter such nonsense.

Please just look after yourself, your not his mother 💐

Would rental further out from new house be more affordable? Renting desk space (hot desking) is that feasible?

Can't he rent a room and see the kids at his parents' house?

I can just imagine this - it brings back some crappy memories. "See, I can't find a rental - so what am I supposed to do?" Batting it back to you and making it your problem. GuiltyPleasures has it right - why is this your problem to sort out? Haven't you got enough on right now?

I'll just bet that the ONLY idea he has is to move into your house. He has no idea - what an arse.

what guiltypleasures said, with bells on

No offence op but you're treating him like a child. He's a grown man who had an affair. He runs his own business. He needs to sort himself out.

You also need to stop slipping back into old patterns of looking after him. He's using it to manipulate you.

Look at it this way, this is his first test of demonstrating to you that he respects your wishes by sorting himself out. If he can't do that then you're flogging a dead horse.

Do you want to attempt to reconcile, OP? It's the obvious practical solution. But is it what you want or something you think you can do at this point?

If not, I agree with pps. Let him sort his own shit out. You have more than enough going on right now.

Again what guilty said.

What has he done to make up for his behaviour? Aside from seeing a councillor who allegedly told him that you spend too much time together , and not giving up his online game?

I am sitting right now in my £200 per month massive work space in a major Scottish city, and I am paying a lot more than I need to. Tell us the city and I will find somewhere for him!

He can't organise somewhere to work and live which suits, but he can organise an affair? Good grief.

I completely get your hesitations and his procrastination/ excuses. My DH is on borrowed time after a series of major fuck ups and I should have left. But it seemed too hard/scary and I am not brave.

But don't let him take the piss though. If you are not ready to call time, then talk to him about that. It is ok to do whatever you want to.

Good luck OP.

Much better to have a room than him just move back in and you suffer years of swallowing down your resentment.

And what I said about hot-desking/office space above. There will be something around. IF he gets off his arse and looks for it. Either that or he can stay with his parents. But what every other poster said: it's not your problem right now, and don't let him turn it into that either.

Deep breaths taken, I know i'm being an idiot, and am looking after him too much. I'm annoying myself so can only imagine how frustrating I am being to you all!!

I just text him to say he needs to sort it out. I genuinely think the time apart everyone has suggested is a great idea, even if the circumstances make that hard. This relationship is all either of us have ever known, and maybe i'll find out that actually I can exist outside of him.

You are all great! I definitely needed some straight talking right now. It's ridiculous how easily we fall back into old patterns of behaviour.

P.S Not that it's my problem (now)...but for his work (without saying what it is) he needs a specialised desk things and some associated truckery (that's not a word) is it possible to hire work spaces that aren't just computer desk type things? He could easily enough commute to a major scottish city, but it's not just like a laptop type set up so if he had to commute with all his stuff it would be a bit of a nightmare....not that it's my problem...and anyway he's a wanker so some hardship might do him good. I feel like a spice girl right now...girl power etc etc

FFS, why is he dumping this shit on you?! Where he stays is his problem. If living at his parents will drive everyone mad-not your problem to fix. Where and how he sees the children is also his problem. Tell him to sort it out himself...beggars belief. This is no snag, just him trying to find a convenient excuse to stay in the house.

Unless. You actually prefer him to stay and feel that you are somehow not allowed to feel that way? Doesn't matter what we think-if you are ready to try, you're ready to try...we just don't want you to be pressurised because you are kind hearted and have a long history and kids with this guy...

Hope you sort something out-take care

Please stop worrying about his truckery and desk space-just look after yourself. Send him a text saying-yes I see these are issues but I still don't want you here and have plenty of stuff to be worrying about myself thanks to you so please deal with it yourself.
💐💐

I think you're doing brilliantly. He does need to sort himself out. I still feel though when I read this thread, that so much hangs on whether you think the relationship is over or whether you personally want to stay married and make it work. I feel like thst makes a big difference. However I also suspect it is hard to tell at this point.