Husband leaving me because of 8 stone weight gain

[user1495500843]

Ive never been a slim girl in but I've put on 8 stone since I met my husband 10 years ago. About 3 years ago he told me this was a problem.he had paid for personal trainers, weight loss retreats etc but I've not maintained a steady weight loss. He now says he cannot bear it any longer. He says that I've lost him now and have done for some time. He wants a divorce. No children. I can't help thinking he is right and I have really messed up and ruined my marriage.

Obesity is not a choice its an eating disorder hmm

Only occasionally. Being obese is not in and of itself an eating disorder. Being fat is not a medical condition.

See, this is assuming that all obese people are obese because they suck. There are many factors that can make people gain weight - depression, anxiety, hypothyroidism, etc. There are people who eat a lot and they don't become obese. Diet is one factor, but it also depends on genetics.

Again, my point is if it's justifiable to leave a spouse because they can't do normal stuff and are unhealthy, then this reasoning can also be used by spouses for illnesses.

Ok, it's an addiction, like heroin or alcohol addiction. It's hardly surprising that people find addicts unappealing, unattractive and intolerable to live with. Spouses married to addicts are entitled to leave without judgement. They are escaping and extremely frustrating, toxic situation.

Harsh, Hilda .

A lot of heavy people get very offended if you say they have an eating disorder (effectively a mental illness). So that type of sympathy may be misplaced, too.

I hope OP gets help she needs.

It's not actually true that it takes a massive amount of food to gain a great deal of weight. 3500 extra calories is indeed a 1lb gain, but that only equates to 500 calories extra a day (which is as inconsequential and easy to consume as a few digestive biscuits with a cup of tea)..do that 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year and you have a 3 stone 10 lb gain..do it for a few years and well..you are in trouble...and likely you won't even really know how you gained so much weight. In short, it's not hard to do. It's frighteningly easy.

Hi OP
While I can empathize with your husband- I know it would be hard if my husband "let himself go" - I also really feel for you
2 years ago I was v slim and fit (thanks Facebook memories!) but due to a back injury have packed on a lot of weight whilst dear DH decided to do a cleanse and now weighs less than me! I resent him so much and the more he goes on it makes me "rebel"!!
However I don't feel myself I'm not happy with how I look but also know it is down to me to fix it! And nagging doesn't help!!

My feedback is that if he is genuinely willing to be helpful and positive in helping you lose weight (if that's what u want to do) that's great.but if he is mean and belittling then he can fuck off
Good luck op whatever u decide

FatGirl It is, you are right. But then most people would get to the end of that first year and think, "shit! I've put on 3 stone 10 pounds" or get half way through the first year and think, "shit! I've put on a stone and a half how the fuck did that happen?" and then look at what they were eating and make changes based on that.

The point is that a large weight gain really doesn't happen overnight. People can choose to monitor what they eat closely all the time so that weight doesn't go on in the first place. People can choose to eat what then want but then review now and again and, if they have put on half a stone or so, make efforts to lose it. People can see that the weight is going on, ignore it and promise that they'll do something about it tomorrow. People can put their head in the sand and find one excuse after another to allow the weight gain to continue and only begin to deal with it when it has a serious impact on their life either through health or because a partner leaves.

All of these are choices.

People can put their head in the sand and find one excuse after another to allow the weight gain to continue and only begin to deal with it when it has a serious impact on their life either through health or because a partner leaves.
Similar view to me. Unless there is a medical condition it's about choices.

8stone is a significant weight gain. If I was going to double in size, it's not the sort of thing that happens after a few months eating crap. It comes from lifestyle choices. Fizzy pop is one of thr big things on weight gain because it's liquid sugar.

I'm with other posters that I would love DH dearly still if he gained a bit of weight but if he gained excessive weight then it would be him losing other qualities I like in him, like the way he cooks lovely healthy food, we go running together, he doesn't slob out in front of the telly all the time, we're quite active, he's motivated and not lazy etc. So whilst I'd find a physical attraction issue if he gained 8 stone, I'd also find personal attraction decrease because I'd find it selfish that he cares so little about his health and wellbeing, so little about me that he prioritises things that he didn't at the start of us dating.

I'd help him and encourage him to make better choices, but I could see a point where if we had no kids and we were no longer doing what we used to enjoy (cooking together and doing outdoor activities) then I'd eventually wonder why I'm staying in the relationship.

What Sass said.

I lost my weight last year with Cambridge - I like it because I can actually see steady results each week (I'm short and getting on a bit so it's difficult for me to lose.) I also enjoy the bubble - no food decisions to make, just weigh yourself and see the weight come off. You said you tried Lighter Life - did that work?

What I also found this time is that I've maintained the loss for nearly 9 months now - always the biggie for me. What I've done is

• skip breakfast (extend the fasting period and the low insulin = fat can continue to be released from cells)

• 5:2 - this works for me. I can eat and drink as if I were a normal height at the weekends, take it more carefully on a couple of weekdays, and cut right back on two days to make up for that excess.

• no snacking. I used to snack a lot and I'm sure I consumed masses more calories than I was aware of. Also this helps massively on the insulin thing. I can lose weight on a day with a fair amount of food if I skip breakfast and don't snack.

• mostly tend to the lowish carb, certainly no junk, especially if I want to drop a pound that week. I'm lucky I don't have a sweet tooth.

• weigh every day. I have a Withings scale and can see the graph so I don't panic with a couple of pounds on over the weekend, knowing I'll lose them on my fast days. Going "scale blind" was definitely a problem for me in the past - I'd look up from 6 months of indulgence and find a stone had gone on.

Hope this helps, PM me if you need to.

It takes a lot of daily calories to maintain a large body, too.
Large= 4+ stone overweight.

Try getting a whole range of thyroid bloods done privately- GPs don't do the whole range needed and under diagnose this condition regularly.

Definitely consider counselling to get you through this OP

It may very well be the turning point to a better life even if it feels like the reverse

See my problem with this is, if it's understandable to leave a spouse because of weight gain, then going by this logic if you get worse stuff like maybe cancer or any debilitating illnesses then it's understandable to be left because that's also not what they signed up for.

Well no, because cancer's not a choice. And it's not just the physical side of obesity that's not attractive. It's the lack of self-descipline, lack of confidence, depression, making excuses instead of working hard, etc. that's associated with it.

8 stone is a lot; you can put weight on "by accident" but after a few pounds, you should say "woah how did that happen" and turn your lifestyle around. Not doing so is a choice and understandably, one that many partners wouldn't put up with.

What a dick. And how hard for you. It's HIS problem not yours don't ever feel shame or bad. Grr shallow men piss me off

I don't see how op's DH is being "unsupportive"?? He's encouraged her to try umpteen ways of shifting the weight (and let's face it, piling on eight stone when you weren't slim to start with is a heart attack waiting to happen) over the years, before finally deciding he can no longer watch op eat herself to death.
And he's being called a shallow, unsupportive dick? Why?

Shallow is finding someone unattractive when they start balding or forgot to shave their legs or develop a bit of a belly.

Choosing to put on 50kg (which is in itself a healthy weight for a short woman!) over years to the severe detriment of your health and lifestyle and wellbeing, is a different kettle of fish.

Weight gain is a complex issue and the significance of various contributing factors will vary from person to person and time to time. I have identified my major contributing issues with the help of a counsellor - the ones within my control - and I now tackle these repeatedly and increasingly successfully with cbt techniques from an excellent book that I would recommend.

I have been as much as double my healthy weight at times over the years and tackling my weight will be a life long battle though my 'window' of flexibility is getting narrower over the years - I now tend to address it at 3 stone up rather than 7. I want to reduce this to a 1 stone window and I have had the shock I need i think.

Here is the shocker though

I got a cancer diagnoses in January and I am currently receiving chemotherapy after major surgery. My whole life and outlook has been rocked by this. My family have been affected by this. Finances, life plans, activities for the 6 month treatment plan, employment opportunities, retirement planning, etc.

My type of cancer is on the list of possibly obesity related cancers.

I could deny that my weight bothers me all I like but I can not deny that obesity could certainly be a factor in my illness.

Oh how I wish I had got on top of this weight issue at 17 when I first tried.

My DH is a stunner but I do wonder if his patience with me will run out. For the entire duration of our relationship I have weighed less than when we met as he brought some structure and responsibility into my food habits, but I have never yet to hit the heathy weight range, the rest is up to me.

Best wishes to those of you struggling, I hope something I have said adds something useful for you.

OP if you have tried every diet (and stuck to them) you would have lost weight. Mentally, you haven't been in the right place, like you said, you rebelled against him. You have to want to do it and be ready to make sacrifices. If you want to lose weight and save your marriage, start by throwing everything unhealthy out. Ready meals, jars of sauces, cakes, crisps, biscuits. At the size you are at now, you will feel and see a huge difference in a few weeks. Don't bother with the scales for a while, go by your clothes and your energy levels. Sugar is the worst so try and cut it out. From your posts, you don't sound happy with your weight or situation so you need to take control of it. Good luck!

Hi OP.

First of all, your husband is a twat. I gained six stone over a ten year period for a variety of reasons (mostly loss of thyroid) and my DH never wavered in his support. His belief in me was a massive factor in my managing to lose the weight. If your DH can't do that, he doesn't deserve you.

Second, you can definitely lose it. I cut out all snacking, tried to spend 30 min every day moving (gardening, swimming, walking, anything), was only allowed 500 calories before 6 pm (so, lighter lunch etc) and cooked totally from scratch (no premade sauces, nothing) five times per week.

It was slow - I lost about 1ib per week on that routine - but it worked and it wasn't too painful, but I bet you will find a great way to lose the weight and kick the comfort eating. And you'll find someone fab who is worthy of your time.

Sweetheart, you are an addict. That's all there is to it, plain and simple. You have likely been an addict for a long time (by the way, as you say you've never been a 'slim girl' I assume you were overweight before the 8 stone so I'm guessing you are significantly obese now - perhaps morbidly).

It's very hard to live with an addict. It is heartbreakingly painful to see the person you love sabbotage themselves over and over again. To see them put their life in danger (as you are doing) on a regular basis. You try to help and when the addiction is too strong for the addict to resist, you take it personally and feel that now they're also letting you down. That they've chosen the cake, the beer, the buzz, over you - and it's simply not true, but that's how it feels to love an addict. He feels that he tried to help you and it wasn't enough. He probably nagged you because he could see all the mistakes you were making and could see through the lies you were telling yourself (and maybe him) and it hurt.

I'm not saying he's not a prick. I don't know him. But to me it sounds like he's done all he knows how to do to and it feels to him like you've chosen to turn your back on it, and on him. I hope that helps you to understand better the path that he's gone down and that it is potentially a loving - and very painful - one, not an unkind one.

Now what to do? If you're serious about wanting to lose weight and not wanting to lose him then you need to tell him. Decide what you can do - I'd recommend making an appointment with your GP with a view to going down the route of bariatric surgery. There is lots of help available on the way to the surgery via the wonderful NHS and you shoudl access it all (counsellors, pyschiatrists, nutritionists, sleep clinics). I'd also recommend checking out a Facebook Group called 'The 8 week blood sugar diet' and reading the Michael Mosley book of the same name. Can you do something for 8 weeks?

I once met a lovely couple, the man was very obese. The woman confided in me that has she known that her partner would not address his weight issue (as he wasn't), she would not have stayed with him earlier in the relationship. It was not for shallow reasons, but her daily, crushing worry that the person she loved was likely to drop dead at any moment. he was that far along the road. I don't think she was 13 stones of uselessness as people are calling the ops partner. It really is more complicated than how attractive you find your partner.

I know the rejection is awful, op, but please bear in mind that there is every chance that he loves you a lot, and that he cannot bear to be there if your health deteriorates dramatically. Good luck.

His belief in me was a massive factor in my managing to lose the weight. If your DH can't do that, he doesn't deserve you

But he has supported her through losing the weight. The OP said she has lost it and put it back on again. More than once. She knows what to do. I don't think her husband is a twat for finally throwing in the towel after ten years of it!

OP I have pm'd you.
You need to keep your self esteem up to tackle this (you need to actually FEEL that you are worth it).
YOU ARE.x.xx.

Jayneausten- thanks for your post. That really resonated with me. And I think you are right. I will take your advice on board.

I can't believe the amount of people calling this man shallow.

The OP is not ill. She doesn't have an eating disorder. It's not because of an injury. She's admitted herself it's simply because she overeats.

Not many people find obesity attractive. Why does this mean he's shallow for not finding it attractive?? Over eating through greed is a sign of not caring, no longer making an effort etc, and if that person isn't even trying to lose the weight why should anyone have to be okay with that?