Husband leaving me because of 8 stone weight gain

[user1495500843]

Ive never been a slim girl in but I've put on 8 stone since I met my husband 10 years ago. About 3 years ago he told me this was a problem.he had paid for personal trainers, weight loss retreats etc but I've not maintained a steady weight loss. He now says he cannot bear it any longer. He says that I've lost him now and have done for some time. He wants a divorce. No children. I can't help thinking he is right and I have really messed up and ruined my marriage.

Thanks does anyone read - I actually don't eat great quantities of food e.g I never have big take always etc. But will constantly eat small amounts of sugary foods like biscuits and cakes etc.

Crazy kitten- no diabetes, just over eating but I have diagnosed with lyphodema where your legs swell up like tree trunks. tried to talk to my husband about this but he was quite dismissive and thought it waas just an excuse

Maybe now you could retry Slimming World. Myself, daughter and neice have all been, (neice still goes and has lost an amazing 5st so far), daughter and I reached our targets weight, but still do it and eat healthily...the meals are easy..go online and check out the 7 day meal planner. A lot of ths is down to pressure from your husband, despite him trying to help its still pressure. You may find now that the weight will start to come off without the added pressure and comments from him. Good Luck with everything.

Your weight sounds like a symptom of something larger rather than the root cause. I hope you can get to the bottom of your unhappiness and work through it.

Best of luck to you.

Wakeupcall - Have you tried lowcarb?

To be fair, he does sound very insensitive and offensive and can't have been helping the problem in fact he probably did make it worse.

I think though for me th over riding thought is this isn't "just a couple of stone I went up to a size 16 " kind of thing, eight stone is something that maybe indicates a physical or mental underlying issue. It would be fine to be whatever weight you are if you were fine with it, plenty are. The issue is uou are not happy with your weight either, you eat in secret,these things can't make you feel good and not feeling good must impact your demeanour and behaviour, and your objective should be to make yourself feel good again. And if that means seeking help, then seek it for your own well being. Your husband shouldn't be your focus, you should be.

To him you its as simple as just don't eat as much and move more
Well he is right in some part.
That is what you need to do.
I halved all my portions and it worked a treat.
But I was ready to lose the weight.
Really wanted to.
But you seem to have a whole emotional issue to get over before you will be ready.
So tackle that first.

Of he married you for a visa he wouldn't have stayed with you for so many years. He loves you op but your health is important to him.

The trick with losing weight is to eat a good amount of protein and veg and good carbs. Big meals of healthy and nutritious food that leave you too satisfied to want to reach into the biscuit tin. What you're doing (and what I do too) is mistakenly have a small meal but then be hungry later and because it's not a meal time , I reach for fatty and sugary empty calories.

The trick is not to be hungry but to fill up on good food. Roast sweet potatoes with lots of veg and a nice piece of meat or fish. Big bowls of soup or lentil stews. Indulge yourself with really nice fruit. Have a big bowl of porridge in the morning that's healthy and keeps you satisfied until your next meal time.

Wakeup has he just recently got his British citizenship / permanent residency? Just curious...
Also this is none of my business and don't feel you have to answer here (and apologise for maybe upsetting you) but why don't you have children?
Also - - AteRiri asked - have you tried low carbing? I find that a great way to get rid of sweet stuff in my diet....

It sounds like you're an 'all or nothing' person. You lose weight quickly and regain it just as fast, but that obviously changes nothing long term and creates a starve/binge cycle. Instead, when you're ready, aim to lose weight slowly and steadily, so that the small changes you make become normal over time. Allow yourself some treats, reducing them as you go and do the opposite with your exercise, slowly increase it as you go. Think positively and take it one day at a time.

And keep looking at the emotional side. Ask for CBT again. Also, for now, ask why you allow food to control your life? What scares you about being thin? Work out what you think is preventing your weight loss. This really helped me when I had 10st+ to lose. It made me see that I was in control and realising that empowered me to start losing weight (-7st so far).

I know it's easy for me to say, but I'd let him go and make those changes just for you. I feel that he doesn't want to leave, he's just trying to force the issue. But if he is serious, it could be good for you both to put some space between you for now. Maybe it would be good for you to take back some of the control in your life too.

Good luck with everything.

Not gunna lie, if my partner put on all that weight just through over eating and didn't make an effort to lose it or look after his health then I'd leave as well.

I wouldn't want kids with someone who's so overweight. I want my partner to chase them across the beach not tell them they can't manage it. I don't want my kids being bullied because of my/his weight.

I also wouldn't wanna be with someone who stopped making an effort with his appearance and health.

It doesn't make someone shallow for not finding it attractive.

Sparkilingrasberry- it's not that I have done nothing. I haven't just been sitting in the coach eating crisps for 10 years. I have lost lots of weight- 6 or 7 stones or so but put it on- take it off- put it on. As I've said I've tried counselling( at £80 a session!) weight watchers, lighterlife, boot camps, juice retreats in Spain, slimming world, a healthy weight programme at my gym, low carb diets etc etc etc. I think I'm supporting the UK diet industry! But clearly I've been unable to address the issue. I find it hurtful when people say I've done nothing or not made an effort.

Swlondon- he got his citizenship 3 years ago. We discussed children but he said my weight was an issue and until I lost weight it was off the table.

Eddiehitler thank you for post. Many useful points for me to think about. I am so thankful for the support and advice I've received. Thank you to all.

How old are you, OP? Have you ever been a healthy weight as an adult?

The stoic- weight has always been an issue. I've gone up and down in weight my adult life but am my largest at the moment. Im 39.

Oh dear! I really hope you will encourage him to leave. I am angry with him on your behalf. You do need to lose the weight but for yourself, not your husband. You said you can lose weigh but can't maintain... so that's something you need to work on (and please don't take it as a criticism I have the same issue and trying to address it right now)
By my calculations you were 29 you met him and 33 when you got married.... if your weight was such an issue for him why did he marry you??? When was it that he started to give you ultimatum that you have to lose weight or he'll leave??? And how was he when you actually lost weight? Was he supportive? Giving you loads of praise?
Also I don't know anything about your medical condition but it sounds really bad. Do you retain water anywhere else or is it just your legs?

Thanks swlondonanny. I think I need to be angry too. He never mentioned my weight or having any issues with anyone's weight before we were married. He started saying my weight was in issue about 3 years ago. When I lost weight he would be supportive in a judgemental way- if that makes sense. Like I was never quite doing enough. the condition I have does affect my arms too. But it's not a huge issue. It would get better if I lost weight.

OP, consider researching Overeaters Anonymous. It's based on group accountability and recognising that for some people, food is an addiction.

I ended up having gastric bypass 2yrs ago and I've lost 11 stone, but it's incredibly difficult and if you haven't fixed the addition side first, especially with sugar, you will find it almost impossible.

Overeaters Anonymous Great idea. For yourself, not for your husband.

A friend of mine went there and found that, in her case, there are foods that trigger her overeating and avoiding them was one of the things that helped her get back to a healthy weight.

Thanks pocket and atenco I'll check out overeaters anonymous . It will probably address the my issues rather than just diet and exercise

It sounds to me like whatever counselling you've had has not got to the the root of the issue. It might be worth searching for a psychotherapist who specialises in food issues - somewhere like the Priory would have some, equally you can look on the BCAP site.

£80 per session is quite a lot. Particularly as it doesn't seem to have helped.

This thread is now appearing on the Sun's website.

Fuck Murdoch.

Sass what you write makes sense. I think it's why 5:2 fasting has worked for me (I put on weight as continued to eat the way I did before developing a chronic health condition that prevents me from exercising in the way I used to).

I have lost 3 stone and have maintained a healthy bmi for a couple of years now.

OP I feel for you. I hope you can make the changes you need to, for yourself and not for someone else.