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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband leaving me because of 8 stone weight gain

252 replies

user1495500843 · 23/05/2017 02:07

Ive never been a slim girl in but I've put on 8 stone since I met my husband 10 years ago. About 3 years ago he told me this was a problem.he had paid for personal trainers, weight loss retreats etc but I've not maintained a steady weight loss. He now says he cannot bear it any longer. He says that I've lost him now and have done for some time. He wants a divorce. No children. I can't help thinking he is right and I have really messed up and ruined my marriage.

OP posts:
amusedbush · 23/05/2017 10:38

I guess I had a romantic view of unconditional marital love.

people are more than what they weigh! Is it really that cut and dry?

I know that my husband loves the bones of me and it would take something catastrophic to change that. However, last year I gained three stones due to anxiety and stress eating and I went from a size 14 to a size 18/20. He loved me but he didn't fancy me as much. It took a long time to wheedle that confession out of him and he looked gutted to admit it because, of course, it hurt my feelings but it was a wake up call and I've since lost that weight. He said I was wheezing, I even walked differently to accommodate the extra weight and he felt awkward about having sex with me at that size.

At the time I was mortally offended because I didn't feel I looked that different but I can barely look at the "before" photos now. I'm a typical apple shape and I looked like a space hopper on stilts Blush

OnionKnight · 23/05/2017 10:40

So onionnignt, I guessing you wouldn't stand by your partner if you were in a similar situation. I. completely understand my husbands point of view- not being as attractive, his frustrations etc. But people are more than what they weigh! Is it really that cut an dry?

If my wife put on 8 stone and couldn't lose it then she'd weigh more than 20 stone which is double my weight, yes I'd seriously consider leaving her as sadly both our lives would be affected and not in a good way.

notanurse2017 · 23/05/2017 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BluePeppers · 23/05/2017 10:42

If my husband gained 8 stone in 10 years I would not be happy with being blamed for it. At all

But if, as his wife, you had been nagging him all the time, making him feel bad about himself, put constant pressure in him so much so that he was feeling insecure about the whole relationship, then I would say that you, as his wife, would have had just as much responsibility in the break down as him.
It's very easy to look at just one tiny bit of the relationship, say it's only xx responsibility, nIt mine and then forget about all the other things going round that WILL have had a massive impact too.

Personal responsibility can not be a cop out for taking your own responsibility in the relationship and for its effects on the other person.

Wakeupcall101 · 23/05/2017 10:48

Thanks blue peppers- I did feel as though I was constantly being monitored and checked on. And if I failed my marriage would be over- high stakes!I found that difficult. I then ate sugary food in private. An act of rebellion maybe.

BluePeppers · 23/05/2017 10:48

wake fwiw, if my partner was overeating, I would look at it the same way than if it was an illness.
What is the cause? How can I support him? Do I do things that are unhelpful, things that are helpful?

Is there a point where the illness just becomes unbearable? Some people would tell you that, living with someone with a chronic illness, it can be very hard, sometimes too hard (be it a physically illness or a MH issue).
You will also find that some people are natural carers and they will go out of their way to support their loved ones, wo a second though.
Some people are the opposite and will put their own wellbeing first and foremost.
Is it right or wrong? I suspect the careers would find the 'looking after myself first' abhorrent and the other way around....

Wakeupcall101 · 23/05/2017 10:50

Thanks notanurse- he did say that and then said but I'm in a bad mood I'll be alright in the morning- forget what I said! So I guess I'm hoping there is some hope but i can't really dismiss what he has said. Maybe he just wants me to be the bad guy

BluePeppers · 23/05/2017 10:51

Tbh it very much feels like your DH sets you up to fail.

Maybe he had the best intentions.
Or maybe he just saw overeating as a lack of will power and a very bad weakness on your side, one he couldn't accept, a real character flaw.

What is sure is that he certainly created the best environment in which you would struggle even more to 'succeed'

ElspethFlashman · 23/05/2017 10:51

Who says he was nagging her all the time? She said 3 years ago he basically warned her it was a deal breaker. And the subject has come up every few months since.

What would you have done?

Kept politely shtum for a decade whilst you watched the person you love become quickly obese?

The OP has given us NO information about what their marriage was like on a day to day basis.

Maybe they did nothing together. Maybe they had turned into brother and sister years ago. Maybe he just felt alone anyway. Maybe he was desperate to stay and thats why he tried so hard to get through to her for the past 3 years.

Maybe he just got tired.

But it's appalling for posters to extrapolate what little we know into blaming him for somebody else's choices.

Wakeupcall101 · 23/05/2017 10:53

Blue peppers- that's really insightful. I am in a caring profession so am a natural carer where as I think my husband is the opposite. He is very focused on his needs.

Wakeupcall101 · 23/05/2017 10:59

Elspeth - you make some good points. I guess he did just tired. Clearly I have a responsibility for my own weight.

Kokusai · 23/05/2017 11:02

But people are more than what they weigh! Is it really that cut an dry?

If DP gained 8 stone if would ruin our relationship. We enjoy active things together - hiking, biking, camping, climbing, skiing. If he wasn't doing those things (which he wouldn't be at 20 stone) it would impact the very core of our relationship.

Wakeupcall101 · 23/05/2017 11:04

Bluepeppers- my husband is naturally slim. To him you its as simple as just don't eat as much and move more. I think he does see it as a character flaw.

ITooHaveBeenThere · 23/05/2017 11:08

So onionnignt, I guessing you wouldn't stand by your partner if you were in a similar situation. I. completely understand my husbands point of view- not being as attractive, his frustrations etc. But people are more than what they weigh! Is it really that cut an dry?

People are more than what they weigh, yes, but in the past 2 or 3 years I have gained weight. I have gone from 9.5 - 11.5 stone. I have recently started to make efforts to lose this.

I am the same person inside, of course I am. And the only visible difference is that I now wear slightly bigger clothes.

But it has had an impact on more than that. My confidence and self esteem has been affected. My knees have been affected so I'm less keen on the hill walking that I used to enjoy. My back aches. I get out of breath more easily than I did. I don't want to exert myself as much as I did. I can feel a mental and emotional difference as a result of this weight gain.

My exh put on about 4 stone whilst we were together. It did impact on the things that he could do and, subsequently, on the things I could do and we could do as a family. It was frustrating. He wasn't any less funny or intelligent, but I did lose respect and become frustrated with the impact his choices were having on my life.

8 stones is a lot more than that and so I suspect the impact has been greater too.

I always think it's naive when people talk about unconditional love and the like too. The only unconditional love I have is for my children. I wouldn't have unconditional love for a partner. There are many things a partner could do that would impact upon my ability to love them!

HildaOg · 23/05/2017 11:11

Eight stone is a massive weight gain and he lasted a lot longer than most people would. It sounds like he did everything he could to try help you before he realised that only you can help yourself and you don't want to.

Romantic love is not unconditional, both sides need to work at maintaining the respect, interest and attraction for the other person.

I really don't see how you can be surprised.

Wakeupcall101 · 23/05/2017 11:12

I wish had posted here earlier. I really feel I grasp the situation so much better now and believe that my husband was trying to help me. I'm so disappointed in myself. I just want to fix the situation.

Springhope2 · 23/05/2017 11:15

I agree with some post, it is the time to focus on OP's own health problem rather than husband's attitude.

I would like to share some tips on losing weight. As I gained some weight a couple years ago, and found it is really hard to lose the weight. But I managed it slowly. First, I weigh myself everyday, you do discipline more if you see you weight everyday(use a digital one, so you can see the smallest change).Then I adjusted my meal to 3 small main meal plus 3 snacks. As I can't bear to be very hungry due to my stomach. Be careful about the diet, I think you need enough protein and vegetabele and Fruit. I have a small breakfast, just a plain toast, an egg and a fruit. Morning is a good time to be displined. Then when I am really hungry 3 hours later, I will have one biscuit( you can compare biscuit, find the low energy one, and after a few weeks, I found I don't fancy the biscuit for the morning anymore). Lunch is light too, similar to the breakfast, you can have chesse instead the egg. Then afternoon snach, some fruit and nuts, one biscuit allowed if you really want it. I eat my dinner with mainly protein and veggi. Then I will have no more than 2 biscuit or rice cake before sleep. That's my habbit, if you can skip this snack , of course it is better. I lose 1 pound every few days on these plan.

As for exercise, I choose walking at the weekend, then light yoga everyday. I think it is better to choose something you enjoy, like dancing with music.

And set a realistic goal, lose wight slowly rather than hoping a quick lose. The last and most important point, is having enough good sleep. Lose weight is quite energy and emotional consuming.So you need your good sleep.

RebornSlippy · 23/05/2017 11:16

The visa thing... well, as others have said, he seems to have devoted a lot of time and (perhaps negative) attention to helping you shift the weight, so it sounds like he wanted to make it work. Can I ask about your sex life? Did you weight affect your desire or his? What about your life as a couple? Did you go out together? Did you laugh together? All very invasive questions perhaps, but essential to give a snapshot into your lives together and whether there is anything there to build upon going forward.

Even if you lost the weight, you'd be forever terrified about gaining it again in case he left. I'm not sure if there's anything to save here, OP. And I'm sorry to have to say it. I think that yes, lose the weight, but for yourself. I know it's already been said countless times, but 8 stone isn't a few too many chocolates of an evening. It seems to be indicative of some very, very deep rooted issues. Comfort eating, but comfort from what? Maybe he is the cause of your unhappiness after all and separating from him will be all you need to help you shift your focus off food and onto yourself.

Wakeupcall101 · 23/05/2017 11:22

Thanks reborn. We still get on well but we stopped going out as much as he said he would be embarrassed to be seen with me. Or would to want to go out to dinner just to watch me stuff my face with food.our sex life became non existent. And I guess I would be terrified of retaking the weight if I lost it.

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2017 11:23

All this "it's your husbands fault, he drove you to it" I don't think is helping rhe op at all.she wants to fix this, she is accepting responsibility, this is the right thing to do to be able to move on.

Op, you are avoiding the comments on how the weight affects you.

Are you still intimate as a a couple? Do you still do things you both like together? Are you still as happy in yourself? If you're not happy with your weight as you say, it must affect your self esteem and how you behave?

If you were eating in secret I'd think that indicates a eating disorder. I'd possibly speak to my doctor and look for some councilling. Maybe a little help is all you need to get you on the right path. Eating disorders are not easy to deal with on your own.

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2017 11:26

Sorry op, cross posted.

RebornSlippy · 23/05/2017 11:27

Oh, OP, my heart just hurt a little for you reading that.

I think it's time to say goodbye to him. I really do. Even if you stayed together now, it's gone too far. I can't blame him for your weight gain and I know you don't either. But I blame him for making you feel the way that last post read.

If he can't be with you as you are, he doesn't get to be with you as you're going to be. You'll do it. You're just going to do it without him. I'm sorry, OP, but now is the time to take control. You can't make someone love or respect you. Let him go. Time to think about you now. Good luck with it.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 23/05/2017 11:30

Can you post what you weigh/your height and what you eat and what your downfalls are? Maybe we can help you with how many calories you should eat to lose weight healthily and some good diet plans which include foods you like/some alternatives for your downfalls. I'm not saying it'll be a guaranteed 'cure all' but it might help you a bit Flowers

Wakeupcall101 · 23/05/2017 11:31

That's ok bluntness. I was still willing to do things but my husband wouldn't due to be embarrassed. I work full time and am quite successful in my career. I swim regularly and have travelled extensively. I have sought help from a counsellor previously about my issues with food. But perhaps I need to try again.

crazykitten20 · 23/05/2017 11:31

What does the doctor say? Thyroid? Hormones? Diabetes? Or is it just over eating?

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