Husband leaving me because of 8 stone weight gain

[user1495500843]

Ive never been a slim girl in but I've put on 8 stone since I met my husband 10 years ago. About 3 years ago he told me this was a problem.he had paid for personal trainers, weight loss retreats etc but I've not maintained a steady weight loss. He now says he cannot bear it any longer. He says that I've lost him now and have done for some time. He wants a divorce. No children. I can't help thinking he is right and I have really messed up and ruined my marriage.

She doesn't have an eating disorder
This IS an eating disorder.
It's an addiction to food.
And unfortunately, it's not something we can cut out.
Like drugs or alcohol or smoking.
It's a far harder addiction to get over.
And it's like all food addictions.

Glad OP you are taking JayneAusten advice on board.
It's a great post so read and re-read.
You'll get there but it will take time and lot of hard work.

What a dick. And how hard for you. It's HIS problem not yours don't ever feel shame or bad. Grr shallow men piss me off

This isn't being shallow though and it's not particularly helpful to the OP.

Your DH hasn't been 'supportive', he's been controlling. He's been nasty, spiteful & unhelpful. You felt insecure & on edge. The only way you are going to be able to sort your weight out, is by sorting your head/heart out and to do that, you need to leave him. You can diet & lose weight, you've done that plenty of times, but you need to address the issues around your body/self esteem/insecurity otherwise you'll just put it on again and no matter how bad being over weight is for your body, yo-yoing is far worse.

annie the op obviously cant slim. She says she has never been slim. Therefore she can't do it. She can do it for a bit.

The fact is, if the dh posted here you may find that he has beeb supportive and it hasnt worked. Many people do this sort of thing when they live with an addict.

Would you be telling the Op he dh was a dick if she was a drug addict or alcholic and killing herself slowly?

Why is eating too much and gaining excessive weight automatically an addiction? It just acts as lazy shorthand to explain away people's poor choices.

It's like suggesting everyone who diets to the point of being unhealthy thin is anorexic.

SOME people do have mental illnesses linked to food and eating. But let's not get silly and suggest that people eating too much is an addiction because it sounds nicer than 'ate too much and didn't move enough'.

Even if we do take the view of an addiction. We'd be supporting the husband for being frank on drugs, gambling or alcohol.

Why is being seriously overweight always immune from challenge?
(It's like people who say I'm really overnight but confident in it. I have curves unlike those skinny women who look ill. But don't call me overweight because that hurts my feelings and thats fat shaming )

Just to add. That last post wasn't aimed at the OP or her situation. It's just my general frustration at so many discussions about weight and size seemingly coming down to 'you can't say anything about people being overweight because it's an addiction/choice/fat shaming etc'

8 stone is a lot of weight to gain. I wouldn't feel the same about my husband if he'd gained that amount of weight. I like slim, sporty men, fat podgy ones just aren't sexy and if you're just going to have sex with one person it's important you find that person sexy. It sounds as though you haven't been happy in your marriage for some time if you've been comfort eating and refusing to lose weight or stop gaining weight just to spite him. You haven't been working together you've turned your weight in to a weapon and he hasn't helped.
Losing weight isn't easy but once the desire to lose weight becomes greater than the short term desire to eat a large amount of food it isn't that difficult either.
It sounds as though you may both be happier without each other

We also have to consider that many people eat a lot and don't gain this much weight. Choices are important yes but genetics is a big factor here.

And to gain as much as 8 stones, well that points to a food addiction, not merely overeating.

maisey look back at the ops behaviour. She is acting like an addict.

She isnt happy but still continues unhealthy habits, eats in secret, relapses, sees eating as her 'fuck you' to everyone else.

Eating to the point you become moribly obese and killing youself with it are all signs of an addict.

Not being able to stop is an a sign of an addict.

That, however, doesnt mean the Op is responsible for herself or for changing this.

My point was if she was drinking and slowly killing herself, more people would sympathise with the husband.

leda I said that my view on assuming being fat is an addition wasn't related to the OP's situation.

I stand by my view that some people DO have mental health issues linke with food, but too often it is used to explain away poor choices by people who clearly just need to eat less crap. In my experience, the people with very genuine MH issues with food are the ones who are reluctant to see it and th people shouting off about how it's their build/their upbringing/metabolism/mental health issue are usually the ones who don't actually have anything.
I knew someone who spent best part of 10 years spouting that kind of crap. They've lost loads of it now. People ask what their 'secret is' and it turns our that they are less and exercised more to have a better lifestyle.

OP, I'm glad that it helped and that you feel you can take some of what I said on board. I really believe that you can do it and that you can beat this, but I would never underestimate how hard it is. You don't even have to get as far as the bariatric surgery, but the path to it might be just what you need (and if you do need the surgery - well that's what it's there for).

Maisy you are being unhelpful, narrow minded and you are spouting your opinions as if they were facts.

Just stop for a minute and think about why someone would eat if they weren't hungry. Why they would choose to walk around in a body that the whole of society considers ugly and shameful. Why they would continue to take actions every single day that endanger their health and lives. Why they would continue every single day to consume the very substance that was making their daily life very hard to live - hard to tie their shoes or find clothes that fit or sit in chairs without worrying about breaking them. Hard to play with their own children. Being obese isn't fun and it is almost always fucking physically painful. Carrying around 8+ stone of excess weight takes a huge toll on the body. Of course it's an addiction and/or a mental illness - because otherwise people would just stop. There are no cream cakes or chips that taste so good people are intentionally choosing to eat them despite the suffering and misery they are causing. The obesity epidemic isn't because people simply choose to 'eat crap' and your dismissive attitude isn't going to help them get into a place where they can tackle their compulsion to eat, whilst still actually having to eat on a daily basis. You clearly know nothing real about it.

Cancer is an illness im disgusted at the poster even mentioning that its bloody different n if u cant see that then take a look at urself it is not the same as overeating i wouldnt be attracted to my partner if he put that much on n wouldnt expect him to be attracted to
Me if i did n this is coming from
Someone whos lost a significant amount of weight so i wasnt trying to bash the op i was saying that her husband cant be blamed and that as shes unhappy with her weight she can lose it

Lots of very good advice on here. I think, strange tho it sounds, the DH potentially leaving is secondary.

Your head needs to be in the right place for you to lose weight. Been there, lost 8 stone with Slimming World. It is very hard.

You are addicted to food, the one 'substance' we can't live without, unlike drugs, booze etc. It's therefore very hard to regulate as you can't just go cold turkey. .

Has anyone mentioned surgery yet? Drastic, but given all the methods you've tried and that haven't worked, perhaps it's the permanent solution you need.

People are entitled to end relationships because their partner or spouse has an addiction. It doesn't matter what the addiction is TBH.

Op have you heard of Lipotrim?

JayneAusten
I've already said that some people DO have a mental health issue linked to food.

I don't believe that everyone who is heavily overweight does.

I had an acquaintence years back who had all the 'reasons' and now they've eaten less and exercised more they've lost it. They just go themselves stuck in a rut by their own admission. It was not a mental health issue.

More people are overweight and obese now than they used to be. There's been multiple documentaries about the extra hidden calories that are in food (Eg use of corn syrup in the usa / people drinking lots of pop / not cooking from scratch regularly / sugar being added to things etc). People are being more sedentary now. It would be daft to suggest that everyone who is overweight and obese has mental health issues when it's part of a culture where we are eating more crap and getting bigger as a result. When I was a teenager I don't recall shops stocking size 24+ but it's normal now.
I'm apparently a smaller dress size now than I used to be. Last night in tried to find a dress for a wedding. I can't fit into my old dresses that are apparently a bigger size than I take now. Fact is people are getting bigger, clothes sidings are becoming more generous and being a little bit overweight now is normalised because so many people are. As a result concepts of weight and shape are skewed a bit.

Point being. Even if we DO say that the OP has an addiction (and I've not said either way for her because I'm not a fan of armchair diagnosing thay goes on on MN), her partner is still perfectly reasonable to hit the point with an addiction where he can help and be supportive and raise the issues and if nothing changes he may eventually decide he can't do any more.

I don't believe that everyone who is heavily overweight does.

I agree but do what. The Op is displaying addictive traits. The rest of the people who are overweight or their reasons dont matter on this thread. This is aboht the op. Not obesity in general.

I agree with what you say about the partner. Which is ehat many have said. That even if it is an addiction the op is still responsible and that her dh is in a difficult position.

I was discussing people's assumption that being fat is a mental health thing because I've seen it on loads of threads.

I deliberately didn't diagnose the OP because there's enough of that on MN already.

OP MAY have an issue. She needs to get help for it.
You and I agree on the partner.

Hi OP . I was in exactly your position 5 yrs ago. I had been slim most of my life but following an illness and medication notorious for weight gain - something just kick started in my appetite and I couldn't find the 'full' button. The fatter I got the worse my self esteem. I went to all the slimming clubs/cbt/personal trainers etc. My DH was hugely supportive. I would lose a few stone but put it all back on again - and more...
There has been a lot of well-meaning but ultimately untrue advice written on here about weight loss. Research by world leading obesity specialists at both UCL and Imperial college makes for stark and depressing reading for anyone struggling to lose a lot of weight. : Once your BMI reaches 35 . Only 1:122 people will successfully diet back to a healthy weight and maintain it for 5 yrs. once you get up to morbidly obese (sorry OP - horrible term but does what it says, your weight is threatening your life) BMI of 40+ then those stats go up to 1:644. You chances of success are sadly extremely unlikely. But there is a solution.
The NHS KNOWS these statistics and offers Bariatric surgery for anyone with BMI over 40 and over 35 if you have a significant health problem related to obesity. Contrary to all the scare mongering - The Gastric Bypass - the gold standard of NHS Bariatric procedures - is extremely successful and the ONLY method of weight loss that has long term sustainable, recorded results over ten years. There are , of course like ANY surgery , people who have suffered complications. But the complications are less than those undergoing gallbladder or tonsillectomy.
I would urge you to discuss with your GP and get referred. If you go via the NHS then you have to go via a Tier 3 process which includes 6 months of dietician and psychology appointments to help you identify your food issues and to maximise your weight loss.
My husband left me not because I was fat - but because my self loathing, lack of self esteem , propensity to blame everyone but myself - became too difficult to live with.
I had a gastric by-pass and lost 9 stone in 18 months. My husband and I reconciled NOT because I was a slim size 12 (it really wasn't about the looks as my skin was baggy) but because I was a much nicer person to be around. I could move, I could join in sport, I can wear nice clothes, I am happy.
You will see a lot of people on MN regard Bariatric Surgery as 'the lazy answer' the 'cop out' 'pure stupidity'.
I would urge you to look on websites like MyWLS and read the discussions of 1000's of people who have had the procedure. You will be hard pressed to find a soul who regrets it.
You can of course go private and still receive the psychological help. You just need to do the research.

Wonderful post, kittens

Whatever the cause of OP's weight issues, bariatric surgery may be an excellent adjunct to lifestyle change

Apart from anything else, I am not sure I could sit and watch my partner slowly kill themselves with overeating.

🧟‍♀️ it was 6 years ago.
Why has a thread been resurrected just to berate the OP?

I wonder if in the last 6 years the OP lost the weight, her husband, both or neither...?