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Original poster

Husband leaving me because of 8 stone weight gain

252 replies

user1495500843 · 23/05/2017 02:07

Ive never been a slim girl in but I've put on 8 stone since I met my husband 10 years ago. About 3 years ago he told me this was a problem.he had paid for personal trainers, weight loss retreats etc but I've not maintained a steady weight loss. He now says he cannot bear it any longer. He says that I've lost him now and have done for some time. He wants a divorce. No children. I can't help thinking he is right and I have really messed up and ruined my marriage.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/05/2017 05:16

I'm sorry you're going through this. I, too, would hate for my dh to put on 8 stones. I agree with the others, get some group support. I used slimming world in the past. My dh has done hypnosis with a life coach/therapist and lost 2.5 stone. This was purely his choice and I never badgered him about weight. (I'm overweight myself, not quite obese in bmi terms). I know it's not much for him to have lost in comparison to you but he only needed to loose 3 so he's nearly there.

LedaP · 23/05/2017 05:42

Its so difficult. Because honestly i dont think i could be with dh if he piled on 8 stone. Health implications are one thing and i would not find him attractive.

I have struggled to lose weight before and its bloody hard. Having someone monitor you doesnt make it easier. But then from his pov you couldnt do it alone.

Personally i think losing weight to keep your husband is not a great idea (makes it difficult to maintian motivation) but i think you should do it for you.

Original poster
user1495500843 · 23/05/2017 06:31

Thanks to all for the advice. I have tried everything in the past- slimming world, lighterlife, cognative hypnotherapy, weight watchers, weight loss retreats, counselling. I've spent a lot of money to get this fat! I really don't want this divorce and am having trouble accepting it.

OP posts:
Ladyvird135 · 23/05/2017 06:42

I recommend Paul McKenna. There's an app now as well. You've got to suck with these things. If you have a bad day, pick yourself up again. There's not going to be a world of difference after a few weeks. And do it for you, not your husband. I know it's so easy to say all of this and I really do wish you the best. It must be difficult to try and even think about weight loss at a time like this. Flowers

LedaP · 23/05/2017 06:52

What helps me is thinking abiut food from a health point of view. Not fat loss.

At first i always asked myself 'will this help me be healthy' for the first few weeks. After that it became natural. Obviously sometimes i eat it anyway. Because we all want some chocolate or something, sometimes.

But its making sure you make the right decision the majority of the time. And if i really fancy chocolate and havent had it for a while it still feel like the right decision.

I am trying michael moselys new book (not for weight loss for health) its called 'clever guts diet'. It not really a diet as in will lose loads of weight, but eating to improve the gut bacteria. Knowing that excess sugar or sweetner will undo my good work has made it easier to keep away from so far.

AyeAmarok · 23/05/2017 06:55

If you have tried all that and continued to eat too much and put on more weight, then maybe you will find that when you are not with your DH any longer, you can maintain the effort for longer.

Do it for you.

TheNaze73 · 23/05/2017 07:38

Have you tried seeing a Dr? I'm no health expert but, the implications of that much weight gain must be doing you no good.

I think an 8 stone weight gain would put a lot of people off.

PaintingByNumbers · 23/05/2017 07:43

sadly, I think you are going to find it much easier to lose weight once your husband has left. if you were comfort eating because of unhappiness in the marriage (me too), the minute your husband is gone might be a moment of clarity and relief.

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2017 08:00

I'm not sure about some of this advice on this thread. There is a fair bit of urging you to blame your marriage, blame your husband, but eight stone is a huge weight gain as you know and there has to be some personal responsibility.

Weight gain impacts many things, not just physical appearance. It impacts the way we live, the things we can do, our sex lifes, our energy levels, our self esteem and how we feel about ourselves, how we interact with others, our social lives. All these things together can then impact who we are as a person. Not for everyone, but for some, a weight gain like this can have much wider consequences. You say you're unhappy with your weight, how does that affect how you behave?

You were fully aware of how your husband felt, and as per above that could be much much more than simple physical attractiveness. I'd take some time out for me. Think about who you are, who you wish to be, how you wish to live, and then do something about it, slowly but surely. The only person who can do it is you, which is why personal responsibility is so important here and not blaming your husband or your marriage.💐

picklemepopcorn · 23/05/2017 08:09

If we were all totally rational, then I'd agree Bluntness. We tend to be emotional though.

It may well be easier to lose weight without him. Feeling insecure in your relationship and feeling judged and pressured to lose weight doesn't help.

I would definitely find it easier to manage my weight if I lived alone.

Original poster
user1495500843 · 23/05/2017 08:13

Thanks picklemepopcorn I absultley agree with bluntness- on an intellectual level I complete understand my husbands point of view. I understand that my weight is my repsonsibility. I understand the health implications of being overweight. I have plenty of resources available to lose weight but I haven't. There is clearly an emotional resaon that I've done this to myself.And I've lost my husband as a result.

OP posts:
Mermaidinthesea123 · 23/05/2017 08:16

I'm so sorry this has ended your marriage OP, you must be feeling distraught and dreadful.
We all hope that our DP will be with us forever regardless of how we look and if we develop health problems.
My husband left me when I developed health problems because I was no longer any fun. I've had to have multiple surgeries and I was abandoned right before a major operation - leaving me with bobody to care for me at all. I've got over it and have moved on.
Some people just do not have the strength of character to support their partner no matter what, those kind of men are few and far between and it works the other way too.
I personally would never abandon a partner who needed me.
But he's left and I assume he isn't coming back so now this is your time to make yourself feel better and sort out your problems.
I suggest you go and see your GP for help with the psychological pain of your split because this is your priority right now and you need help.
Then get some professional help with regards to your weight but do it for you not for anyone else. gastric banding is available on the NHS now and could well be suitable for you.
Lots of hugs and I hope you can move forward and have the life YOU want now.

Cricrichan · 23/05/2017 08:17

Have a look at Joe Wick's 3 month plan (shift, shape, sustain). He gives you an eating plan and exercises and it's full of really filling healthy meals. People have lost big amounts of weight on it. Those with post of weight to lose have down the plan a few times but they have lost incredible amounts of weight in a healthy way. Have a look at Big Girls Journey to Lean on Facebook and ask to join the group.

LonginesPrime · 23/05/2017 08:24

OP, sorry you're in this position. It's never going to work losing weight (and maintaining the loss) for someone else, and if you're insecure in your marriage to someone you've described as shallow and self-centred, losing weight to keep him would likely make you more resentful and feel like he controls your body on top of everything else going on in your relationship.

My take on it is your weight gain sounds like an act of rebellion, so that there's an aspect of your life that's still under your control, in full knowledge of the fact your H doesn't like it. I'd probably react exactly the same (whether on a conscious level or not) to being told 'your body is unacceptable to me'.

I would let him go, and lose weight for you and your own health and quality of life. I suspect it will be so much easier to lose weight when it's not the emotionally-loaded topic it's become in your marriage.

AteRiri · 23/05/2017 08:36

Hi OP,

We're here for you.

tatohead · 23/05/2017 08:38

Could you have pcos? If so low carb or low gi diet could do wonders. Ultimately though you need to take responsibility for it.

babybarrister · 23/05/2017 08:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LiftElevatorWhatever · 23/05/2017 08:40

It's possible that your weight gain is a symptom rather than the cause of whatever is going wrong in your marriage. If OH loved you he would work along side you to address the problem, rather than issue you with ultimatums - which never work IME.

JaneEyre70 · 23/05/2017 08:40

My weight has fluctuated hugely over our marriage....I was a size 16 when we met, and over the years I've been all sizes including a size 24. I'm hovering around a size 20 at the moment, but I'm hugely lucky that my DH doesn't honestly give a shit what my weight it - he loves me regardless. The only time he will say something is if it is affecting my health... i had a really bad back for a while and he said that he thought i needed to do some more exercise/go swimming which i did.

If your DH is leaving you because of your weight, then he's not in love with you anymore and I think you need to accept it and move on. You can't make someone love you and will send yourself insane trying.

Original poster
user1495500843 · 23/05/2017 08:41

Thank you arterir- this means a lot i.my older sister is just getting a very messy divorce after 30 years of marriage so I don't feel I can burden my family with this. I'm also from abroad so all of family are on the other side of the world.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 23/05/2017 08:42

If my husband gained 8 stone in 10 years I would not be happy with being blamed for it. At all.

BrexitSucks · 23/05/2017 08:42

A friend's husband moved out 3 months ago.
She was/is devastated .... but she lost her appetite & 3 stone so far.
Like a cloud lifting from everything.

FataliePorkman · 23/05/2017 08:43

Jesus Christ girl

Get some self respect Hmm

Neutrogena · 23/05/2017 08:48

ElspethFlashman - quite right.

There is no blame per se.
You changed, he didn't like the change and then decided to leave you.
No-one is to blame, and it's not healthy thinking in those terms.

We are complicated creatures. Good luck with whatever happens next.

ShatnersWig · 23/05/2017 08:50

Jane said: "If your DH is leaving you because of your weight, then he's not in love with you anymore"

I don't think that's necessarily true. As other posters have said, if their OH gained eight stones, they wouldn't find their partner attractive any more. That's simply being honest. You can love someone but not find them attractive any more. Some weight gain is generally inevitable. But eight stones is a lot and usually impacts on the relationship in other ways - less energy, less desire to do more active things, health - and sometimes results in them becoming quite a different person so that not just physical attraction goes but for the whole nature of the relationship.

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