Don't trust husband with son

[deardolly]

Bit long, sorry.

I've been a sahp since DS was born 2 years ago but now I'm starting working 3 days a week. My mum has very generously offered to have DS those 3 days for free. DH works full time. Some weeks, DH works weekends and then has Monday and Tuesday off in lieu.

This monday coming, I'm off for my first day at the new job. I will be firming up which 3 days I will be working. Initially I had wanted to work on Mondays and Tuesdays so that DH could have DS on those days and relieve my mum. However, it's becoming more apparent that I don't think I'll be able to leave DS with DH for the full day. Reasons being:

• when DH is here, DS tries and tries to get his attention, and DH ignores him for his phone. I darent bring this up again as when I've mentioned it I get an ear full and it is turned back on me.

• he forgets vital things like making him a fresh drink in the morning and I've several times caught DH passing DS a cup of juice that's been left out from the night before, and he can't plead ignorance as its first thing and obvious that no one has made him a fresh drink. I'm a bit worried about this.

• he's got a fairly short temper. DS is 2 and obviously has tantrums sometimes, nothing major just normal for a 2yo. DH can't cope with this and instantly starts swearing, shouting, telling DS off and calling him names! Last night DH arrived home from work, ds started with a tantrum about something and it was 'OH for fucks sake, shut the fuck up you little knob head'.

• Ds hates being in the car for a long time. DH ignores this fact and when he's alone with him will often drive him miles away to his parents house even though DS isn't happy with it.

There's more but I'm aware this is getting long. Can anyone offer me any advice other than 'don't work Mondays and Tuesdays'? thank you

Why the fuck are you allowing him to treat your child like this?

He sounds horrible.
Do you want to stay married to him?

No advice but I can see why you're worried. The way your DH acts is totally out of order. (Sorry -- no help. Don't work Mondays and Tuesdays.)

The phone thing is annoying, the drink thing is lazy (though we've all done similar ), but the swearing like that is absolutely not on. And you'll probably get further tackling just that with him. The other things could be made to seem like nit picking - but abusive swearing? Not on in any reasonable person's book....

'DH can't cope with this and instantly starts swearing, shouting, telling DS off and calling him names! Last night DH arrived home from work, ds started with a tantrum about something and it was 'OH for fucks sake, shut the fuck up you little knob head'.'

If my husband called our child a knob head and routinely swore at them the marriage would be over. It is no way acceptable for him to abuse your child that way.

The swearing is a problem. The car isn't a problem (they live miles away. Like it or not you can't just not go and see them because he's not keen) and drinking juice made yesterday is definitely not a problem.

Your DH parenting differently to you doesn't matter. Being threatening and swearing does matter but don't confuse the two issues.

I'd have told my dp to get out as soon as I heard him verbally abuse my child.

Why haven't you?

Dear probably for fear that I'm over reacting.

Thanks for the replies. It's the swearing and short temper that I'm worried about. I understand the other bits arent so bad. He would not cope with a full day with a 2yo who is liable to tantrums.

How could you possibly think it's overeating? Get rid of him before he does any lasting damage to your son's mental health.

My dp put up with years of verbal abuse like this.. it's left him with zero self confidence and many other scars.

Thanks. I know you're right!

Is there anyway you can educate him about how to deal with a toddler? It's not obvious to someone who's used to adults and there are a lot of tips and tricks which work. Would a book help? Or some advice from someone? Or would he just ignore it?

'OH for fucks sake, shut the fuck up you little knob head'

Leave. Leave leave leave leave. Sorry, I'm not usually a LTB poster but ffs, that is NOT OK. of course you're worried and rightly so. I've given ds a water bottle from yesterday I'm sure once or twice - that's not a biggie, but shouting and losing his temper at a toddler (or frankly anyone) is a huge red flag. Why on earth do you want to stay with him? There are plenty of men out there who never shout at all

I would be out the door. If that's not possible for you just now then you need to think carefully about leaving him with your husband, because toddlers can try the patience of a saint, and if he has a short fuse your child is in danger of at best verbal abuse, and at worst, physical

Two things stand out here - the swearing as mentioned by pp, and the fact that you 'daren't' talk to him again about the ignoring of ds.

This is not healthy. I rarely say this on here, but please think about leaving.

DH was a 'never shout' type. He was the most placid adorable man ever. Since having DS his temper has become apparent.

It's not 'A' 2 yo with tantrums tho is it??
It's HIS 2yo that he needs to be able to parent- unless you intend to do it 24/7 for the next 16 years- while enabling his twatism.

He sounds vile. It's his son for god sake. Do you know what I have a four year old with autism who is non verbal! She has meltdowns constantly. I do not call her a knob head. Because frankly I'm not a cunt. He needs to grow up and be a father. If you can't have a discussion about this reasonably I'd be tempted to look at the entire relationship.

I didn't know supervised access was a thing? What does it mean?

You're allowing your husband to be abusuve to your child. That's about the long and short of it really. And you're going to leave him alone with this man for a whole day knowing full well that he is abusive? No, just no.
I wouldn't stay with a man who spoke to my child that way, can't be arsed to make him a drink or ignores him because he'd rather play on his phone. What's this teaching your son? That this is how a father speaks to his child? That this is what he deserves? Your son is going to learn how to be a man from this arsehole, do you really want that?

No, you must not leave him with his dad as his dad is an abusive dickhead. Log all the incidents and get the fuck away from him!

Supervised access means he's not allowed to be alone with the child because it is not considered a safe environment.
It's used to enable unfit parents to have some sort of relationship with their children.
So in your case it would only happen if you split from your son's father;

"More than a million children have no contact whatsoever with one or other parent after separation. Unfortunately some children experience behavioural issues including antisocial behaviour, distress, unhappiness, and both physical and emotional problems. The NACCC is the only charity in the UK dedicated to solving this problem, by providing safe spaces where children can meet the parents they don't live with. We oversee around 400 contact centres across the UK, run by a network of more than 6000 volunteers"

www.naccc.org.uk/

I'm going to see how he acts tonight and plan to say something if he says something to DS similar to what was said last night (the quote in the op)