Don't trust husband with son

[deardolly]

Bit long, sorry.

I've been a sahp since DS was born 2 years ago but now I'm starting working 3 days a week. My mum has very generously offered to have DS those 3 days for free. DH works full time. Some weeks, DH works weekends and then has Monday and Tuesday off in lieu.

This monday coming, I'm off for my first day at the new job. I will be firming up which 3 days I will be working. Initially I had wanted to work on Mondays and Tuesdays so that DH could have DS on those days and relieve my mum. However, it's becoming more apparent that I don't think I'll be able to leave DS with DH for the full day. Reasons being:

• when DH is here, DS tries and tries to get his attention, and DH ignores him for his phone. I darent bring this up again as when I've mentioned it I get an ear full and it is turned back on me.

• he forgets vital things like making him a fresh drink in the morning and I've several times caught DH passing DS a cup of juice that's been left out from the night before, and he can't plead ignorance as its first thing and obvious that no one has made him a fresh drink. I'm a bit worried about this.

• he's got a fairly short temper. DS is 2 and obviously has tantrums sometimes, nothing major just normal for a 2yo. DH can't cope with this and instantly starts swearing, shouting, telling DS off and calling him names! Last night DH arrived home from work, ds started with a tantrum about something and it was 'OH for fucks sake, shut the fuck up you little knob head'.

• Ds hates being in the car for a long time. DH ignores this fact and when he's alone with him will often drive him miles away to his parents house even though DS isn't happy with it.

There's more but I'm aware this is getting long. Can anyone offer me any advice other than 'don't work Mondays and Tuesdays'? thank you

What did you say when he swore at him last time? Please don't tell me you said nothing?

I said 'don't speak to him like that' and took over with DS, cheered him up and carried on as normal. He'd probably say he was 'joking and didn't mean it', and tell me to stop overreacting and starting an argument.

Karma you're right everyone thinks DH is mr perfect and can do no wrong. DH has also internalised that thought process.

I'm scared of doing the wrong thing.

He's minimising what you say by saying you're over reacting and is making you doubt yourself. This is a classic tactic of abusers. It is absolutely not on to swear at your child like that, especially as an initial response to a bog standard 2 yo tantrum.

The Monday / Tuesday problem is only part of the picture, even if you arrange your work schedule so that your DH never has your DS on those days what about the rest of the time.
You could never go out for an evening with a friend and leave them together.
Never pop round to a neighbours and leave them together.
Never even leave them together in a room while you do something in another room, cause your DH obv has no problem in abusing your DS right in front of you, so your DH must think it's "okay".
You cannot be glued to your DS's side every minute of every day and you shouldn't need to be.
If your DH can't see how in the wrong he is and that he may need help to manage his behaviour I think you have no choice but to split up.
Is it possible your mum has seen how your DH is with your DS and is offering to mind him to try and protect him from his dad?

He's abusing your son and you're scared to talk to him about it. Let that sink in a minute

You sound very scared. That if you don't do something the way he wants he'll kick off. Some men are quite lazy with their kids and shove them in front of the tv but you shouldn't be scared of leaving your son with his dad.

What happens when I confront him about his behaviour??
Is he always agressive?

You confront Him

You are really under-reacting

Ive discussed this with my mum somewhat briefly and she doesn't mind having DS whenever. She thinks this is a typical man thing, although agrees the swearing must stop. She has poor boundaries herself as my dad was pretty abusive towards her and my brother growing up (never me though). She had a time defending brother against what was happening and they divorced when we were young teens.

Please mn. What should I be doing? Should I be packing his bags ready for him coming home tonight? Should I start a conversation? Should I wait for the next incident and then kick him out? I really would appreciate some help forming a plab

Plan

do you own the house.

are both your names on the mortgage?

have you talked to him about his temper and how it is unacceptable?

I think you need to start with a conversation, but have a plan in place that if the conversation doesn't go well you/he needs to leave.

Tell him, in words of one syllable, that you are NOT over-reacting. His behaviour towards his son is abusive and won't be tolerated. See how he reacts. Then decide how to proceed.

But at least give him the change to react to the information that his behaviour is appalling. The swearing that is. The stuff about the juice from the night before, and taking him in the car is pretty minor. But verbal abuse to a child (which is what it is even if he tries to shrug it off as a "joke") really is LTB material.

I'm not on the mortgage or deeds but hope to be now that I'm working.

No, because if I bring it up he says I'm being horrible, causing an argument, over reacting to a joke, etc

I can't believe you even need to ask. Someone speaks to your child that, they don't get a second chance. Ffs you have to stop your child being verbally abused.

he actually thinks talking to a 2 year old like that is a joke?

op im really sorry but you have to leave him. if you darent leave your son alone with him you know there is a problem.

What a horrible man. It's basic parenting to understand that 2yr olds do not know how to express emotions. They only feel them, so have tantrums as they're frustrated, overtired etc & cant tell you.

Anyone that called my child a fucking knobhead would be gone stat.

I pretty much knew I'd get this response.

I can tell you what you DONT do.
It's telling him to pack his bad tonight.
If you decide that the relationship has run its corse, then get ready.
Go and see a so.licitor.
Prepare all the document you need.
Plan where and who you are going to live etc etc
Then go for it.

Do remember that if you don't trust him now, your u won't trust him more when you are separated. What are you going to do when your DH is having his child every other weekends and for the hols?
So may be start by having a discussion with him, have a look at your standards and maybe leave yur DC with him for a few hours tonstart with rather than a day.
The evaluate if he is actually able to modify his behaviour.

Buut th, if you can't trust him now, I am wondering what it will take for you to trust him again. As in, even if he was changing dramatically, would you be able to ver fully trust him??

You should have been in the deeds of the house, even if you aren't working.
Sort that one first and foremost.
Then think about sending packing.