Don't trust husband with son

[deardolly]

Bit long, sorry.

I've been a sahp since DS was born 2 years ago but now I'm starting working 3 days a week. My mum has very generously offered to have DS those 3 days for free. DH works full time. Some weeks, DH works weekends and then has Monday and Tuesday off in lieu.

This monday coming, I'm off for my first day at the new job. I will be firming up which 3 days I will be working. Initially I had wanted to work on Mondays and Tuesdays so that DH could have DS on those days and relieve my mum. However, it's becoming more apparent that I don't think I'll be able to leave DS with DH for the full day. Reasons being:

• when DH is here, DS tries and tries to get his attention, and DH ignores him for his phone. I darent bring this up again as when I've mentioned it I get an ear full and it is turned back on me.

• he forgets vital things like making him a fresh drink in the morning and I've several times caught DH passing DS a cup of juice that's been left out from the night before, and he can't plead ignorance as its first thing and obvious that no one has made him a fresh drink. I'm a bit worried about this.

• he's got a fairly short temper. DS is 2 and obviously has tantrums sometimes, nothing major just normal for a 2yo. DH can't cope with this and instantly starts swearing, shouting, telling DS off and calling him names! Last night DH arrived home from work, ds started with a tantrum about something and it was 'OH for fucks sake, shut the fuck up you little knob head'.

• Ds hates being in the car for a long time. DH ignores this fact and when he's alone with him will often drive him miles away to his parents house even though DS isn't happy with it.

There's more but I'm aware this is getting long. Can anyone offer me any advice other than 'don't work Mondays and Tuesdays'? thank you

You need to start talking to professionals about your situation and especially to Women's Aid or your local DV service. He's clearly very abusive.

Abusive men often say that, op. Do you really think he'd want to look after ds on his own? He can't even cope for short periods of time.

Bloody hell. Is it usual for women on the inside of these type of relationships to not see it/minimise etc. I've had a handful of threads on here all calling him abusive (under different user names).

Yes, it is.

Absolutely yes. It's hard to know which way is up after years of brain-washing.

No disrespect, but you need to stop navel gazing and leave him, put your son first

Nobody would understand if I just left him now! He's so nice.

I'm not naval gazing, I'm clearly trying to get my head around the enormity of it

Mine seemed so nice. To everyone else. But he wasn't to me. Manipulation is all.

He's not nice to your son. And that is the important bit.

It's not necessary but it's quite normal to want other people to see how it really is.

I'm aware opinions shouldn't matter but in reality they do! I don't want to have to explain my business to everyone, as outwardly we are fine! It was my turn this morning, I was a cunt for nothing really bad.

You don't have to explain in detail to anyone "well, you never know what goes on behind closed doors, do you?" is as good as anything.

It sounds pointless to try to explain it to your dm, as she has been helping minimise, coming from a history of this herself.

It's not ok for your dh to be calling you names.

So you don't want to leave the man who is abusing you and your son because you're worried about what other people might think?

For Fuck's sake.

How many different usernames and threads is it going to take before you follow the advice you've been given? Or are we just wasting our time here?

You don't have to explain anything. If anyone says 'Dolly! I heard you and XX split up' you simply say 'Yes, we have. I'd really prefer not to discuss it if you don't mind'

What you basically have is TWO toddlers who have tantrums! One is acceptable as he is a youngster. The other is a manchild. Why do so many woman marry a manchild???

Can you not talk to him and say what is expected of someone looking after HIS own child??

DH just can't cope with stress. He's just told DS to move out the fucking way' and I said 'don't swear at him!' And he said 'it wasn't AT him'. Aaahhhh ok plan making time

Can't cope with stress? You're excusing him. You're placing the blame on something external (stress)

The blame is solely with him.

He's abusing your son. What will it take for you to leave?

Contact Women's Aid. And google your local domestic abuse services (they're sometimes tricky to find, surestart/ health visitor would be a good place).
Start telling people what he's like. And write everything down.
I've been in this kind of relationship and my friend is in one now but she's still deluded to think he's great
It will only get worse over time, he may be lovely for months on end, but something will cause him to snap soon enough.
Good luck 💐

OH for fucks sake, shut the fuck up you little knob head'

That would instantly make him my ex husband.That poor child! You need to LTB and he should NOT have any access or custody rights. Fucking nasty bastard.

DH just can't cope with stress.

Poor man. I don't blame him. So few of us have stress or toddlers.

"Move out of the fucking way" sounds a reasonable request to a toddler.

OP, maybe go give your OH a foot rub or a glass of wine.

Dolly you know when I said about the fact that you wouldn't tolerate a nursery/childminder speaking to to DS in this way.
Could you ask DH the same question in a calm way?
Ask him to sit and really think how he would feel if a nursery nurse walked up to DS and told him he was in the fucking way/a little knobhead.
Ask him how it would make him feel to see that.
Hopefully it may shake him up, if not (which is my bet) then yes, run for the hills before in 20 years you're the subject of the Stately Homes thread for letting DS be abused and standing by.