Don't trust husband with son

[deardolly]

Bit long, sorry.

I've been a sahp since DS was born 2 years ago but now I'm starting working 3 days a week. My mum has very generously offered to have DS those 3 days for free. DH works full time. Some weeks, DH works weekends and then has Monday and Tuesday off in lieu.

This monday coming, I'm off for my first day at the new job. I will be firming up which 3 days I will be working. Initially I had wanted to work on Mondays and Tuesdays so that DH could have DS on those days and relieve my mum. However, it's becoming more apparent that I don't think I'll be able to leave DS with DH for the full day. Reasons being:

• when DH is here, DS tries and tries to get his attention, and DH ignores him for his phone. I darent bring this up again as when I've mentioned it I get an ear full and it is turned back on me.

• he forgets vital things like making him a fresh drink in the morning and I've several times caught DH passing DS a cup of juice that's been left out from the night before, and he can't plead ignorance as its first thing and obvious that no one has made him a fresh drink. I'm a bit worried about this.

• he's got a fairly short temper. DS is 2 and obviously has tantrums sometimes, nothing major just normal for a 2yo. DH can't cope with this and instantly starts swearing, shouting, telling DS off and calling him names! Last night DH arrived home from work, ds started with a tantrum about something and it was 'OH for fucks sake, shut the fuck up you little knob head'.

• Ds hates being in the car for a long time. DH ignores this fact and when he's alone with him will often drive him miles away to his parents house even though DS isn't happy with it.

There's more but I'm aware this is getting long. Can anyone offer me any advice other than 'don't work Mondays and Tuesdays'? thank you

Your mum has conditioned you to accept abuse. You are about to do the same thing to your DC. You need to stop the cycle. Good luck, it will be hard but you can do it.

You're not answering our concerns, I really think you need to speak to your local women's refuge, they will be able to advise you on how to deal with your dh, they have groups for men to come an talk about parenting. You need to speak to someone in real life about him, talk to the refuge staff they will be able to help you x

By approaching it in a 'don't speak to him like that' kind of fashion - you're minimising it. He needs to know that this is absolutely a deal breaker for you.
You need to sit down with him, preferably when DS isn't there (can you ask mum to have him) and SPELL OUT that his behaviour is becoming abusive and neglectful and you cannot trust him to watch your child.
Seriously - would you be happy with a nursery treating him like this? He will damage his relationship with DS if nothing else, could you go fine that track to start discussions?
Sorry you're going through this, but you must be your son's advocate here, otherwise you risk damaging your own relationship with him later down the line

dolly can I make a suggestion that you screen shot this thread? It's great that DH is behaving better and I really hope it is the start of a new attitude from him but should he start any of the previous behaviour the advice you have hear is sound.
If you don't feel you can approach him because you are scared of his reaction, it's not a very healthy relationship. You need to advocate for yourself as well as your DS

The swearing is not acceptable and should stop. This or these words could learn a child this is acceptable in life to treat others with such harsh words. Is there anyone else that could possibly help talk to him other than you to try and get this stopped?

'OH for fucks sake, shut the fuck up you little knob head

This is not a 'don't swear in front of the child' problem OP, this is an abusive situation. I bet he wouldn't do it in front of anybody else. Why? Because he knows they would be shocked and his 'mr perfect' facade would be gone.

Your role is to protect your DS, stop minimising and get this man away from him before he does any more damage to the poor little mite.

Swearing in front of the kid is something like dropping a fork on your foot and going 'fuck, ouch!' Then thinking 'I really shouldn't swear in front of him.'

What your husband is doing is nothing to do with swearing, it's verbal abuse. It's the difference between 'fuck, I just trapped my hand in the drawer' and 'you're a little fucker.' Can you not see the difference?

I read something on here a while back that's really stuck with me. Someone said something like 'if you don't face something, your children have to.'

You are at a crossroads here. Either you remove your child from this verbal abuse or you don't. If someone spoke to my toddler like that they would NEVER be allowed near them again. If someone spoke to me like that in anger they would be out the door.

Think carefully

I certainly would like to save this thread actually - might ask mnhq to move it somewhere it'll stick around so I have access. (SS too risky imo in case he sees)

"So next time he's annoyed he might self regulate and even if he wants to swear he'll stop himself and therefore my son isn't sworn at."

You are deluding yourself, woman.
I hope you take the advice on this thread sooner rather than later, for your son's sake if not your own.
Poor child.

If anyone spoke that way to my child, I would move the earth to make sure they weren't in my child's life any more.

I know you obviously know this and I hope you can take measures while you only have 1 young DC to get away from this man.

It's not normal and it's not excusable. It's abuse and one day soon your little one will be old enough to fully comprehend what those words mean. All of your concerns are fully valid - equally so is the fact that your DH consistently ignores your DS in favour of his phone.

I know a woman like this. I heard her shout SHUT THE FUCK UP to her small children when I was with her in a restaurant. Guess what - she is a shit parent and is not the resident parent for those DC any more.

The fact he is willing or unable to prevent himself acting like that around his own child is indicative of his all round inability to be a caring and stable parent. Pleas take this seriously, leave him while you can and while you only have 1 toddler with him. Poor DS, poor you :(

The point about not accepting a nursery talking to him like this struck a chord. You're absolutely right, I would really be furious. Me and dh are having a hard time at the moment anyway. I'm frightened to bring it up, I'm not very confrontational, confident or quick on my feet thinkingwise so it needs a lot of thinking about so that I know what I'm going to say. Im pretty sure he would manage to turn the lot back at me and blame me somehow.

But what about contact? He'd expect to have DS overnight etc if we split and I cannot and do not trust him with DS.

Due to the automatic process of emotional attunement, children are painfully reactive to a walking-on-eggshells atmosphere between parents, even if they never hear them say a harsh word to one another.
Observing a parent abused is the more profound form of child abuse.
from www.psychologytoday.com/blog/anger-in-the-age-entitlement/201101/emotional-abuse-in-committed-relationships-effects-children

^Emotional abuse is often seen as less serious than other forms of abuse and neglect because it has no immediate physical effects.
But over time emotional abuse can have serious long term effects on a child’s social, emotional and physical health and development.^
From www.nspcc.org.uk/preventing-abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect/emotional-abuse/emotional-abuse-signs-symptoms-effects/

DS seems to tantrum, cry and demand more attention a lot more often when DH is here. When it's just me and DS, or my mum or other visitors are here, he's his usual happy calm self. Perhaps he is picking up on more than I thought

Look if you went through an advisor at a refuge they would explain how to keep your son having supervised limit contact with his dad. Don't stay because you think you're protecting your son, use the law to protect him from an abusive dad. Ask for help, women's refuge advisors help with this kind of problem and are linked with the local police. That's how you keep your son from harm.

DS is probably already desperate for DH's attention and confused about how to get the 'nice' daddy. It's normal for abused people to get addicted to getting attention from their abuser as they confuse it with love😔

OP you are failing your son big time here.

I'm not very confrontational, confident or quick on my feet thinkingwise so it needs a lot of thinking about so that I know what I'm going to say. Im pretty sure he would manage to turn the lot back at me and blame me somehow.

It kind of sounds like it would be impossible to talk to this man about this situation. Tbh if it was me I'd leave and if he did want to discuss it I'd only do it through couples counselling as sounds like you need an intermediary if he's so dismissive. If he makes you feel you're to blame you need someone else to be there so they can be objective.

I'm frightened to bring it up

I tried to raise it to him in a way that wouldn't make him upset or angry

Are you completely oblivious to the red flags here OP?

That poor poor child being raised in this environment of abuse and neglect.

No worries with moving this one for you deardolly. We'll ping it on over to Relationships shortly.

Thanks Caroline.

But what about contact? He'd expect to have DS overnight etc if we split and I cannot and do not trust him with DS.

Would he, though? Because it sounds like he resents your DS and doesn't enjoy parenting one little bit.

My DH threatens to take away DS if I ever leave him, in a half-joke way.

• You're scared of your husband.
• There's no way he'd contemplate parenting classes.
• He's verbally abusive to a small child, his son.
• You're not on the mortgage. (It's good that you're starting work).

You've grown up seeing an abusive relationship and are now allowing this to be replicated in your own.

Abusive men always threaten to take the dc.

I think things are worse than you're saying.