Don't trust husband with son

[deardolly]

Bit long, sorry.

I've been a sahp since DS was born 2 years ago but now I'm starting working 3 days a week. My mum has very generously offered to have DS those 3 days for free. DH works full time. Some weeks, DH works weekends and then has Monday and Tuesday off in lieu.

This monday coming, I'm off for my first day at the new job. I will be firming up which 3 days I will be working. Initially I had wanted to work on Mondays and Tuesdays so that DH could have DS on those days and relieve my mum. However, it's becoming more apparent that I don't think I'll be able to leave DS with DH for the full day. Reasons being:

• when DH is here, DS tries and tries to get his attention, and DH ignores him for his phone. I darent bring this up again as when I've mentioned it I get an ear full and it is turned back on me.

• he forgets vital things like making him a fresh drink in the morning and I've several times caught DH passing DS a cup of juice that's been left out from the night before, and he can't plead ignorance as its first thing and obvious that no one has made him a fresh drink. I'm a bit worried about this.

• he's got a fairly short temper. DS is 2 and obviously has tantrums sometimes, nothing major just normal for a 2yo. DH can't cope with this and instantly starts swearing, shouting, telling DS off and calling him names! Last night DH arrived home from work, ds started with a tantrum about something and it was 'OH for fucks sake, shut the fuck up you little knob head'.

• Ds hates being in the car for a long time. DH ignores this fact and when he's alone with him will often drive him miles away to his parents house even though DS isn't happy with it.

There's more but I'm aware this is getting long. Can anyone offer me any advice other than 'don't work Mondays and Tuesdays'? thank you

You're a "bit worried" that you're overreacting... That means your ds has two people he can't depend on.

The mortgage is a non issue, we went through all this extensively at the time, it's definitely right how it is now.

Okay thanks. So now I have a plan. Pull up my big girl pants and advocate for my son.

I think you're absolutely doing the right thing, OP. Wishing you a heap of luck moving forward

Love to you OP, you are doing an incredible thing, you'll be happier without him in the end

Your partner is abusive towards you and your son. It's not a "typical man thing" for fuck's sake. It's very wrong and very bad for your son's development and well-being. You need to act now to protect him. That means getting proper support - call Women's Aid, call NSPCC - and making practical plans to leave him. Do you have a bank account in your name only? Start saving. Find out whether you would be entitled to any benefits or other support. And if you're going to talk to any friends or family about it, talk to someone other than your mum - someone with their head screwed on who will recognise the situation for what it is (ABUSE) and support you.

What your DH said to your DS (name calling/swearing at him) is abusive.

Are you not going to protect your child from that?

my jaw literally dropped when I read that! I wouldn't speak to an adult like that let alone an adult talking to a baby like that. I think you need to have a long hard think if I'm being honest

Good luck op. I second you getting your ducks in a row. Look at benefits, call women's aid , make practical plans.
men with short fuses don't change.
I suggest googling the freedom program as well - your upbringing (even if your dad didn't directly abuse you) has probably given you a very different view of what's ok or not.

Your safety and the safety of your child is priority 1. Your child can't keep them self safe - you have to do that.

Good luck.

Thank you. DH will be home fairly shortly.

Wow, what awful advice your mother has given you! It is certainly not a typical man thing to call his son a fucking knob

If you allow him to continue abusing your son through not only verbal abuse but lack of adequate care then tbh you are very nearly as bad as he is.

I'm sorry you are going through this, but you need to be an advocate for your son, he is too young to help himself and needs you to keep him safe and happy.

I've not got the balls to bring it up right now. He's being lovely to DS tonight.

OF course you don't, you're afraid of him because he's abusive. You know in your heart of hearts that he won't listen and, worse, might get angry with you for challenging him. He'll tell you that you're overreacting.

You said he didn't used to shout and lose his temper before DS came along. His behaviour isn't OK, by do you just think it may be that his DF was like this, and its what he think fathers do? Or that he just doesn't know how to deal with a small child, and is opting out or getting angry because he is frustrated (but doesn't want to think about how he can't really cope with his child).
Its possible he'd improve with some parenting classes, but you might need to tell him that he has to learn, or the 2 of you don't have a future, for him to face it. Could be worth a try though?

There's no chance he'd agree to parenting classes! He'd take that suggestion very personally.

None of this is typical or ok. The fact that you are reluctant to speak up speaks volumes. He is abusive. Your child will grow up frightened and anxious and will grow up to be like his father,speak to you like this and bully other children or be a distressed cowering wreck.

Please stop it now.

OH op ,

he is really seriously unkind to your son, that is so unacceptable by any standard, your son will end up with problems from being called names like that by his father.....

Please listen to what people are saying , even if he is nice today and tomorrow you need to know he would never be abusive another day, when maybe it is a tough day, or Ds is ill and fretful or just being a child and annoying!

Please do not let this happen again...l am sorry for your situation...

I've discussed with him how neither of us are to swear in front of DS anymore. He agreed. Hopefully it sinks in that swearing is not on.

You know what he's agreeing to it because he knows there's a change in you, he's being nice to keep you where you are.

Leave, I don't think you think this is the end of his behaviour, call woman's aid and talk to someone in real life. Don't minimise his behaviour because in the end it will be your son who suffers

Swearing is not the issue its boundaries and believing that he is in charge

Jesus swearing is not the isssue!!

OP get a grip. Your OP is abusing your son. It is possible to continue to do that without swearing.
You are not getting it are you.

It is even possible to use the odd swear word in front of children and raise them with respect.

ITS NOT THE SWEARING_ ITS HIS ATTITUDE.

If you can't see that then you are as bad as your OH. You are both failing your son.

Thank you I'm aware it's not 'swearing' that's the issue, I tried to raise it to him in a way that wouldn't make him upset or angry i.e. WE have to both stop swearing completely. So next time he's annoyed he might self regulate and even if he wants to swear he'll stop himself and therefore my son isn't sworn at.