Don't trust husband with son

[deardolly]

Bit long, sorry.

I've been a sahp since DS was born 2 years ago but now I'm starting working 3 days a week. My mum has very generously offered to have DS those 3 days for free. DH works full time. Some weeks, DH works weekends and then has Monday and Tuesday off in lieu.

This monday coming, I'm off for my first day at the new job. I will be firming up which 3 days I will be working. Initially I had wanted to work on Mondays and Tuesdays so that DH could have DS on those days and relieve my mum. However, it's becoming more apparent that I don't think I'll be able to leave DS with DH for the full day. Reasons being:

• when DH is here, DS tries and tries to get his attention, and DH ignores him for his phone. I darent bring this up again as when I've mentioned it I get an ear full and it is turned back on me.

• he forgets vital things like making him a fresh drink in the morning and I've several times caught DH passing DS a cup of juice that's been left out from the night before, and he can't plead ignorance as its first thing and obvious that no one has made him a fresh drink. I'm a bit worried about this.

• he's got a fairly short temper. DS is 2 and obviously has tantrums sometimes, nothing major just normal for a 2yo. DH can't cope with this and instantly starts swearing, shouting, telling DS off and calling him names! Last night DH arrived home from work, ds started with a tantrum about something and it was 'OH for fucks sake, shut the fuck up you little knob head'.

• Ds hates being in the car for a long time. DH ignores this fact and when he's alone with him will often drive him miles away to his parents house even though DS isn't happy with it.

There's more but I'm aware this is getting long. Can anyone offer me any advice other than 'don't work Mondays and Tuesdays'? thank you

Me and DS are at my mums.

Good. Stay there.

Is this a long-term move op, or just for this evening?

He called DS a fucking knob, when I said don't call him that he said 'well he is and you are too' so I took DS round to my mums, unsure where to go from here. Mum isn't particularly supportive

It doesn't matter that your mother isn't supportive, She doesn't have to live with him. You and your son are the ones who put up with it. You need to protect your son.

It sounds as if you have done the right thing op - well done.

Don't panic into making any definite decisions just yet. Presumably you and your ds are safe with your mum for the moment - give yourself time to clear your head and think.

Well, first off, I'd be going to a solicitor tomorrow to get advice about your best moves legally. You must tell them about the abusive nature of the relationship so they are aware when advising you. You may be able to find one that offers a free half-hour consultation to start you off.

If your mum is willing to put you up for a while and babysit while you restart work, that's great. You can look into what tax credits etc you might get online.

He will be expected to pay child support and possibly maintenance, but definitely child support and there is the CSM to chase him for that if he proves awkward. You'll be entitled to some proportion of the marital assets (house, car, pensions etc).

You've done the right thing. Ignore your mums advice if she's not supportive, just use this as a time to get yourself together and think.

Well done for leaving
You realise that if you stay with that horrible man eventually your child will mention this behaviour to other people and what could the consequences be?
Please seek support elsewhere if your mum isn't supportive

I'm so sorry your Mum is not supportive. You have absolutely done the right thing and thought about your son first. Sending you an unmumsnetty hug. Please don't go back. Please do get legal advice tomorrow.

I'm really sorry your mum isn't supportive - do you get on with your HV? Is there a local children's centre? Tell people what is happening and seek support elsewhere.

Neither you nor your little boy deserve to be abused.

Better Mum is unsupportive than downright abusive husband OP, come on! Get something sorted out ASAP and do not go back. You have already seen your lovely child become twitchy and changed when his father is present. You can change the future for him from a damaging one to a settled rational one. He will grow up a chip off the old bloc if you let him. It's hard, really really hard but not impossible.

Has this been going on a long time or is it a recent development?

Is it something that counselling and anger management might be able to adjust?

Has he always spoken to you like that?

I am forever having words with my DH about swearing around the kids (around, not at). He told me to "fuck off" once during a row years ago. I told him calmly that that isn't language that you use towards someone that you love or respect and if he ever said it again then I would be doing exactly as requested (well, in fact, he would!).

Well done for leaving, I hope very much this is the start of a permanent separation.

Your mum doesn't get it and never will. This might sound callous but my advice is to use her for what she can give (somewhere to stay) and look elsewhere for what she can't give (sensible advice and support to LTB).

^ very good advice from AnotherEmma

Please do not consider couple counselling under any circumstances. This is not a relationship problem, it's an abusive man problem. If you want counselling for yourself it's to gain understanding into why you put up with this and to support you with separation and the likely further abuse and mind games.

Please please don't go back. No matter what this will never get better in the long term.

Sorry your mum isn't supportive.

Get some advice tomorrow on what you are entitled too

Well done!

Sorry your mum isn't supportive, she clearly doesn't understand abuse (which in turn has made it hard for you to see it)

Please please don't go back - he will not change. He will tell you that he will, but he won't. And if you stay it will mess your son up psychologically. Please don't let him do that to your lovely little boy
(Reading the way he takes to him makes me want to hurt the fucker)

Oh Doll
** You have done the right thing.

You are protecting your child both physically and emotionally.

You are worth far more than that.

Ignore your mum - she's a roof over your head so smile and nod for now.
When I finally left twatty ExDP many moons ago (after years of encouragement from friends and family) the lack of support and 'ooh are you really sure that the right thing' was astounding.
Give it time to sink in for her - you've probably kept her very protected from his behaviour so she's baffled.

You've got this

Christ well done !! Ignore your mum, mine was the same. Just say it's worse than you can imagine mum and we need you to help us now.
Can you contact your local DV refuge ? They should be able to help you move forward.
Good luck.

Hope you and your little boy are ok, OP. You've done the right thing leaving.