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Original poster

The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

999 replies

Bant · 16/05/2017 18:55

Dating thread rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread.
OP posts:
Original poster
Bant · 25/05/2017 07:34

How much is he asking for?

If you called things off with him, possibly he's just lashing out from anger. It does make him look like a petty little man though.

OP posts:
Allthembuckets · 25/05/2017 07:51

shouldstaysingle he might be lashing out as Bant said but sounds like a dick.

Ditto on self esteem! Which is not an attractive trait (or so I think, my mum differs on that) in the initial stages of dating.

I woke up at 5:45 today so lots of Brew
Mr Chef sent me a message at about 6:30 So feeling a bit phew but also Hmm with myself for caring so much. I would want ro be a mind reader with either the ability to turn it on and off or only for brief times!

I have decided to cancel seeing my FB tomorrow. Even if nothing ends up happening with Mr Chef, I'd currently rather spend time with him than my FB.

Allthembuckets · 25/05/2017 07:52

*to

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 25/05/2017 09:18

Keep distracting yourself, All, as much as is possible to stop yourself going a little insane. Things are looking promising, though!

Date with The Nurse went very well last night - I think, tentatively, that this one is a keeper. He's either a very good actor or he feels the same way I do - hoping for the latter. It's 10 weeks since our first date, we had a bit of a bump in the road last week and were able to talk it through like sensible adults (quite the novelty for me) which is good, and unexpected but my expectations are very low given my track record of manipulative partners.

Allthembuckets · 25/05/2017 09:59

DoIDontIhavethetalk that sounds good Smile I read something recently that you should judge how a person acts at the worst/hardest of times as how they deal IYSWIM rather than making allowances for them. It made a lot of sense to me, you wouldn't be snappy etc to your friends bcs you were having a hard time.

Work is always manic and I used some of my lieu time yesterday for the date with Mr Chef then a school thing for DD. So lots to do (as always) but very little motivation! He's sent me several messages and asked if I want to do something next week when he sees his rota... atm he doesn't know what days off he has. Feel like doing a little dance GrinHmm

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 25/05/2017 17:32

Dance away, All: you only live once.

Wingletang1 · 25/05/2017 22:52

Just thought I'd pop in and say hello! So I saw mrcar this week in waitrose, the one I had MB with on date 3 then he said he wanted to be single! I was looking quite good, so I walked straight over to him and started chatting!! His face was a picture, no chance he was going to know how crap I felt about the whole thing, then made my excuses and left him to it!! Made me smile!!!
Anyway been seeing mrwind for a couple of weeks. 2 dates, plus going out in sat night and he's invited me to an event on Sunday. Really nice guy, spark etc .... But he smokes!! Ggrrr I know this was mentioned up thread, he wants to give up, and it's so hard to find someone you get on well with, I'm going to go with it, see what happens! Prob all be off this time next week!! Hmm

Allthembuckets · 25/05/2017 23:32

DoIDontI I've slid back into paranoia now!!! I've also had a few to drink so probably best to avoid messaging! And I know I wouldn't be bothered at all if it wasn't for the last two "incidents". I'm usually quite laid back but not a walk over IYSWIM?

I'm glad that made you Smile Wingletang1 I doubt I would be able to do that.
RE smoking, I'm a smoker but not in front of DD and generally not when I'm out except on nights out. I have tried to quit many times but my heart just isn't in it. Has he tried E-Cigs tho? That's what I use to prolong wanting a cigarette. I do not have the flavours (for me) to have much effect on lowering my cigarette consumption. E-cigs would be so much bettet! I hate the smell, wear a hat and coat, even in this weather, to avoid the smell clinging to me, so generally people aren't aware I smoke.

minop · 25/05/2017 23:54

I've just had date 2 with mr South Africa and he's lovely. Date two is suppose to be tomorrow but he had a free night so I took advantage of a last minute babysitting offer and went and met him for a few drinks, only down side for me too is he's a smoker! Usually this would bother me but he's really nice so like you wingle I'm just going with it. Who knows he might quit, it might fizzle out; between us not the cig 😂 But for now I'm having fun! Date 3 tomorrow

AbiWanKenobi · 26/05/2017 01:02

minop that sounds lovely,fingers crossed!
It's good to hear the positive stories,a reminder that maybe,just maybe there are some genuinely good guys out there. For me,I find that when I'm not OLD life is good,but nothing else makes me feel like a failure as a human being-except dating. I just can't get my head around why people are so dishonest,why they find it acceptable to ghost and treat others so badly. I've shed far too many tears over men who just aren't worth it,and each time I've picked myself up,dusted myself off and tried again. I'm not sure how many times we can do that?

Lovemusic33 · 26/05/2017 07:58

Couldn't sleep last night due to the heat so thought I would log on to POF to check my messages, never again will I go on there at 2am. My inbox was flooded with messages such as 'would you like a shag', 'Hello sexy' and a voice message which said 'I just wanted to ask you somethIng, why? Just why?' Hmm, also got a message from someone who lives very close by and is a lot younger than me and someone I went to school with clicked on 'Meet me' (someone who's still a close friend but not relationship material). Seems the whole world was on POF at 2am (or all the sex crazed weirdos).

At the moment I have one possible Iron, we have exchanged numbers to arrange a drink but he's one of these that messages, asked me a question and then disappears for the rest of the day.

OutToGetYou · 26/05/2017 11:42

I often log in at 2am time LM (am nocturnal) and I don't get messages like that - check all your settings.

I have the 50 character limit on mine so never get just 'hey there' or anything more sinister yet brief. No-one can send me voice messages. Men under age 30 I think it is cannot message me at all. There is a thing you can set so people cannot send sexual messages and I'm surprised 'shag' wasn't profanity filtered out, I've had a few messages not send due to me using what POF term a 'profanity' which I've thought was just a normal word. (during a long exchange, not a first message!)

Go back though all your message settings carefully and check them.

But, if you want to see sex crazed weirdos (not suggesting you do) sign up to Swinging Heaven, where I have recently found the profile of my ex which he has had for 12 years - completely covering the time we were together, and before he split with his wife, his son was 3-4 then, and he obviously didn't remove the profile when we were together (I didn't know about it, I'd never heard of that site til I found him on it on Thu).

rubystiles · 26/05/2017 12:11

Power to you Wingletang1!

I have logged in at that time too before LM and have had very similar messages! "Fancy a fuck" has to be one of my favourites. I have actually come off POF as it seemed full of sex pests and/or married men.

I have just exchanged numbers with someone and we are meeting on Monday for coffee.

Good luck to everyone on dates this weekend.

Allthembuckets · 26/05/2017 12:15

That's great minop

AbiWanKenobi that's how I was feeling, I don't understand why people lie about wanting a second date, even if they do then meet someone they prefer, say then rather than cancel at the last minute.

I haven't heard from Mr Chef since 7 last night. Feeling a sense of unease and my FB has sent me a msg to see if tonight is still on Confused

JellyBean31 · 26/05/2017 13:41

The sun is shining...why is it so f*cking hard to find an easy going guy to hang out in a beer garden with???

Went on a date on Sunday with a bearded man (not hipster!) had a great time, messaged all monday afternoon as I was on a long train journey and he want working, literally non-stop for hours and agreed to meet again tonight.

Less on Tuesday - understandable as both back in work.

Less again on Wednesday Hmm - and the tone had changed to more chatty than flirty banter

Hardly any messages yesterday (other than to say he'd had a shitty week) and today no mention of tonight at all.

Obviously I'm not meeting tonight, even if he does suddenly suggest it out of the blue...but I just don't get it...It frustrates me to death that people can blow hot & cold and dick around with your time. If he's had a shitty week and doesn't want to go out, fine, but say that instead of just saying nothing at all.

Half of me wants to send a sarcastic "so where are we meeting tonight and what time?" just to force the issue, but I won't.

DoIDontIhavethetalk · 26/05/2017 15:17

Jelly - sending that message would be reasonable, I think. He agreed to meet with you tonight - hold him to it.

Lovemusic33 · 26/05/2017 15:35

out I didn't realise I could change the settings, will do that later.

Lovemusic33 · 26/05/2017 15:38

jelly I get that a lot and it drives me nuts, I no longer chase them up. Mr Machanic said he wanted to meet up Thursday night but never messaged me, I refuse to message him so that's that.

AbiWanKenobi · 26/05/2017 16:08

All and Jelly
It's the complete flakiness that drives me nuts. I would never just not reply once I'd made,or even half made, an arrangement for a date. It's just basic good manners. And the waiting for someone to message and not knowing..hate the out of control feeling. If I ever go back to OLD I'm damned if I'll wait around again. Will be a bit more proactive 

AbiWanKenobi · 26/05/2017 17:12

All I hope you hear from Mr Chef :)

JellyBean31 · 26/05/2017 19:17

I ended up messaging just saying I guess you've changed you're mind about tonight (had a shitty email from my exh so was feeling generally fucked off). He replied "sorry did I say for sure?"

I just screen-shotted the conversation & sent it... He's come back with some lame bull about a kick off with his eldest which may or may not be true but he wouldn't have known about it this afternoon!

I agree it's the lack of control that is so frustrating, but if you take the initiative and are more proactive, they think you're over keen and back off completely.

AbiWanKenobi · 26/05/2017 19:35

Jelly
He definitely sounds a flake. And I know exactly what you mean by the backing off if you take the initiative,but in some ways we can't win either way. Either we feel anxious waiting for a message (and I hate that feeling so much) or we just go for it and do as you did. Anyone who responds in the way he did clearly was never going anywhere anyway. It shouldn't be so hard and I really resent the way OLD makes me feel.
Think you need to think 'next' but sorry it wasn't a better answer x

Lovemusic33 · 26/05/2017 22:14

I find myself backing away a lot lately due to men like him jelly ,I can't be doing with it anymore, not knowing what's happening and people not conforming dates.

AppleBlossomTimeNow · 27/05/2017 00:10

Everyone's anthem is Rag & Bone Mans 'Human' Confused

OutToGetYou · 27/05/2017 02:06

If he forgot, you weren't high enough on his mind.
If something happened and he didn't let you know, you weren't high enough on his mind.
If he asked you and didn't confirm arrangements at a sensible and polite time, you weren't high enough on his mind.

It's better to know sooner rather than later that he's not really into it.