The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Heartbroken40 I'm going to go with my first thought - I wonder if he had another woman on the go & it ended, hence suddenly coming back to you.
I could be totally wrong though. I suppose if there's no red flags & you're into him you could suggest a meet up.

Heartbroken - well anyone disappearing for 11 days isn't that interested in you. But maybe he was seeing how things worked out with someone else. probably that's the case.

Fortuna - yeah, ghosting is pretty shit, when you've met them and arranged a second date. Can you unblock, gracefully decline, then block again? It's not nice to leave someone hanging with no reason.

Earth - I've seen people on here complaining that they liked a guy but he didn't make a move on a first date , or ask for a second, and doubting themselves. This is just life, and dating. It's not nice to be lunged at, but at least you know you don't want date 2.

Onwards and upwards. Next!

purple - rules 3 & 4.

This is very early days. You haven't met the man. You don't, realistically, know if it is the same man as in the photos. Or an older version, or someone completely different.

Do not invest too soon, you're just meeting someone to see if you want to meet them again, that's all.

Heartbroken - sorry, but your name on here is a big red flag to me. If you're still heartbroken, why are you dating?

Heartbroken, I have had this happen a few times and the disappearing happens again and again. If it was me (now after it has happened to me) I would not reply. I had someone who was messaging me all day every day, we arranged to meet and then he vanished, 2 weeks later he messages me to apploagise and asked me if he should keep my number, I didn't even bother replying. I guessed that he had chosen to go on a date with someone else, it didn't work out so he thought he would get back in with me, I no longer engage with this type of person. Plenty more fish in the sea.

I did the right thing, unblocked and told him he just wasn't right for me. He didn't reply, can't say I blame him

Thanks all. Bant, I haven't changed my username, I am not as heartbroken as back in March and I actually enjoy going on dates etc. Also, I have quickly realised that there are several men with whom I feel a connection although so far it hasn't worked out.

Tinder provides a very welcome distraction I actually have fun (although sometimes I have self doubts). Will wait and see if he becomes more regular, if not, I will not reply any more. Thanks again.

Nice one fortuna.

I've ghosted and felt shit, been ghosted and felt like shit. Now I just try to treat people like I'd wish to be treated.

Yeah I've been ghosted too it's not nice, it's just the poor guy did nothing wrong n I could tell he was really looking forward to something I didn't feel same about.

How about changing to wistful40 as a username heartbroken

Buckets I will either have to arrange to meet or send the tupperware back. Problem is that MrSciFi seemed so keen. I am reading these posts about ghosting and thinking I need to say something and soon. How do you say you are nice, but not what I want without sounding like they're not good enough?

Hi!
Single a year, living alone for months, last ltr was dead for ages. I got together with him 13 years ago. the last few years were just empty.

I have no idea how to date. I hope it's ok for me to hang round with you wise ladies and learn some stuff.

I don't feel attractive at all. I hope I can at least find someone to have the odd first date with so I can practise while I get up to speed....

what sites do you think I should try for OLD? I am 45 (if that is relevant)

lana exactly that. Nice but not for me.

I would so much prefer honesty rather than ghosting but can see the fear of a negative response. It's just so horrible to be ghosted, so even if I feel crap for doing it, I'll message rather than ignore/block so fortuna that was Good, it might not feel So, but you let him know where you stood IYSWIM.

Grinch POF has lots of footfall but anyone can message you. Tinder, you both have to "match" to send a msg however it uses the current location when you swipe so need to be aware! I've matched with ppl miles away who life nowhere near me so not LTR material.

I have tried Elite singles (expensive), Ok Cupid, Bumble and POF. Pringle said recently that the same men on paying sites are often on POF. I would agree from what I can see so recommend POF. Lots of weirdos on there, but regular men too.More people in densely populated areas.

You could post a profile without photos at first to ease yourself into it (you will have fewer messages without photos).

What do you think of guys who ask what your type is and what kind of relationship you're looking for first. He called it the heavy stuff before he asked me.

Had a lovely day with Mr Tinder yesterday (fourth date). He is so nice. Perfect gentleman if you know what I mean (or just didn't fancy me :-/) and talked about things we could do together in the future (isn't there a term for this though? :-/ ) I'm trying not to get too keen as it's still early days but he ticks lots of boxes for me and not really seen any red flags yet.

FreeNiki Was this someone you met online? It depends how it's asked.

Was he calling it the heavy stuff lightheartedly? In recognition that it was something he wanted to ask but also felt awkward doing so?

I think it's fair enough to ask someone what their type is or what kind of relationship they're looking for. That's just getting to know you stuff I think.

It's all part of building a picture about a person who is a stranger.

Especially during online dating when people are there actively looking for a relationship. If someone is looking for a distinctly different relationship type to you then it makes sense.

Hi Lana, thanks!

Last night I set up a Tinder profile and woke up this morning to find a message including "marry me". Am I totally out of touch or is even joking about that with someone you have never spoken to before still weird? (It certainly would have been in 2004.) I have a lot to learn.

Right later on I'm going to check out POF. Thanks

Really nervous about this mornings date, I think he's a dentist or dental nurse, my teeth are not great some I'm really worried he will be checking them out (silly I know). He's now saying he will try and get there a bit earlier, this gives me less time to get ready, my car needs washing, my toe nails need painting and my face needs sorting .

I have another Iron who keeps sending me messages saying how good looking I am, I'm not that interested in him but it's doing my confidence good before today's date.

Anti I use POF, I am 35 but go for older men, there seems to be a lot in their 40's, I ignore any silly messages, I get a lot. Occasionally someone nice pops up, it's just a case of ignoring the others.

Love I would love to know if they do check out teeth! Or does it just make them think of work?

Anti that's weird! I too am out of practice as well, tis daunting.

Ghosting is awful! It's a sad reflection on society that it can happen at all, but guess in the 'olden days' you dated people from your circle so it would have been harder to disappear from contact!

Well I saw friend at a mutual friend's party the night before last, I didn't talk to him too much as was busy and had to leave early but did have a short chat and noticed him paying attention to me when we weren't talking. He said later he left 5 mins after I did.

Yesterday I caved and messaged him and said I'd love to catch up and have a chat, he replied 'of course' right away and set a time that very afternoon, so we had a nice afternoon tea chatting and laughing. No "extras" or spark so still not sure if it's friends or more, but regardless it was nice and comfortable and I enjoyed his company. I think I just need to stop overthinking it. It's hard though.

I will let you know if he checks my teeth out, I have checked his out on his photos (they are not perfect), I hate my teeth and hardly ever show them when I smile.

After trying on 5 different outfits I have decided I'm not comfortable in a dress so have put my denim shorts back on with a nice top, I think comfort is more important and shorts are more me. Wish me luck x

Good luck, LM33!

Well after my totally unwarranted breakdown over lack of comms yesterday (turns out he was at a driving all morning) date five with Mr Texan last night was lovely, just a couple of drinks but lots of laughter and learning more about each other and some rather steamy snogging in the car park at the end! Pretty good chance will be DTD Saturday!

We were talking about me doing martial arts and he said 'so if anyone gets rowdy I can tell them my girlfriend can beat them up' I know it was meant jokingly but I thought that was a good signal he's thinking along the same wavelength and we've been talking about future stuff.

Good luck lovemusic, don't worry about teeth, I bet it's the last thing he's going to be thinking about!

Good luck Lovemusic! I bet you look fab in your shorts (envy of shorts-worthy legs)

Where is the obligatory loo update?

I'm starting to get quite excited about my date tomorrow even though I technically don't know where and when it is yet. Have asked Mr Meet Me to confirm.

He's really funny and from reading his quiz answers (he actually bothered to fill those out on POF, most myself included don't), he has similar views on relationships.

Trying not to overinvest. (I'm terrible at this.) Will message my other irons later in a bid to not overinvest...

Good luck LM. Sure he'll be too busy enjoying your legs to look at teeth which he's prob sick of seeing . My weirdest date was with a dentist, but he had recently had a stomach stapling op and spent the whole time telling me about it. if he's tall and blond ask about his eating habits first

Free I agree with JastA and my new aim is to get the 'heavt stuff' out first. I have waited patiently for two months to gradually find out deal-breaker information. This time around I am even though it makes me uncomfortable going to find out the long-term goals at the start. If we're not compatible I would rather not waste time.