The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Good question lana but I don't feel comfortable confiding in them - not that close

That's good advice re not feeling shy as well

Thanks Bant and LanaDReye - so he's not giving me a photo because he either has something to hide (married etc) or he isn't attractive but thinks his personality will win. I kind of think it's more the latter but not off to the best start is it... And surely he could get a decent photo somehow...

NameyMcChanged Sounds confusing. Could you take a step back for a week or so? Decide if you actually want more and see if he gets in contact with you during this time. Might give you your answer.

I'll try and do that laura , step back for a week. Which raised the next question- does anyone have tips for how??

That is odd re the photo. I wonder if he's told a lie or something that the photo would reveal? If it's because he isn't confident about his looks that is a shame

On the 6 kids issue, I suppose my opening question for you all would be "if things had worked out, would you have had 6 kids by now?" There are some people (myself included) who just wouldn't have ever had that many children. Which shows a lack of compatibility. Some people believe all children are a blessing, some have a limit as to the point when they turn from a blessing into a nightmare.

I'd also question whether it was a religious thing - I am a staunch atheist and that many children sets off a Catholic warning bell to me. I couldn't date anyone long term who believed; it wouldn't work.

If you might have had 6 kids, given the choice/circumstance, then it's harder to write off the other person. You could have been in that position too - a single parent with 6 kids to look after.

But there are added issues to consider: the children will always (rightly) come first, and with 6 kids, that's a lot of people to have to get to like you for the relationship to work. And there's the time issue: if someone is looking after 6 kids, will they actually have any time to date? (Depends on how old the kids are, really.)

I don't do tons of photos, but I've always sent an extra photo privately on request which is very representative of how I look. Some people don't like to be caught on OLD for whatever innocent reason (e.g. being a teacher and having a class of teenage kids who will take the mick). I do think a request for a clearer picture privately is fair enough and being that evasive suggests an issue.

I will say, the man I met with the poorest quality photograph ever looked nothing like that in real life. He was much fatter, shorter and geekier than his photo revealed. Wouldn't necessarily have been a problem, but as nice as he was to chat to, there was no spark on either side when meeting up.

I laugh when there's one clear photo and it's probably 10 years older than other photos as it's before the hair loss!

I'm not bothered by bald heads btw, just wosh for honesty before meeting.

Man earlier: How's u?
Me: Are you really a teacher?
Him: Yes
Me: I'm just surprised by the text talk.
Him: Sorry lol xxx just quicker. How's u?
Me: (laughs and deletes)

Hello all. I'm going on my first OLD this week after a 6 year relationship (2yrs married) so would love some support!

Advice too on when to mention I'm waiting for my divorce to come through. I don't mention I'm separated on my profile and it isn't come up in conversation yet. Do I make a point of letting him know or wait until the conversation goes that way?

Also I'm terrified in general, so long since I've dated!

DivorceDating I'm having a similar wobble from the other side...! I've just had a message from someone who puts his status as "separated" and refers to the end of a 10 year relationship. Clearly he's been married for 10 years...

I get that divorces take a long time to come through, but I am super cautious having always been a magnet for married men... I don't really know what advice to offer either of us!

I've been separated 18 months and still not for divorced. The guy I've been seeing has been separated for nearly two years and not yet divorced. It wouldn't put me off dating but need to be sure they are properly over their ex's - the guy I've been seeing definitely isn't (just my luck lol) x

I have been separated for just over 2 years but not yet divorced, mainly because I can't afford too, i did ask my ex the other day if he would cough up half but he refused. Our relationship is well and truly over and has been for a long time, I just don't see why I should pay for it as it was a joint decision to split. It doesn't bother me dating others that have not yet divorced either.

I now have 3 possible irons.

Mr Surf, who wants to meet this week but works away a lot and has a hobby that takes him away at the weekend too so I'm not really convinced it's worth it.

Mr Driver, who has started sexting which is a bit off putting so I'm not sure I want to meet him either.

Mr deep thinker, he's new, seems lovely so far, is local, has older children and seems normal so far (all this may change).

I have a quiet week this week and I have next weekend off so hopefully I will fit in a date but not sure who with.

Lovemusic33 my ex left me - had fallen out of love with me - well really he'd fallen into bed with someone else but that didn't come
out till a year later lol. He has never mentioned divorce despite him ending the marriage. I really want to get divorced but don't see why I should pay for it?

Flower my ex has a new partner so I was hoping this would make him want the divorce sorted, thought she would pressure him into sorting it but 'no' , I'm giving him a few months to change his mind and pay half, if not I will just have to pay for it.

I've been separated for 2 years and haven't applied for a divorce yet, so it wouldn't bother me. Also, I was in a relationship with my ex for years before we got married and I put the whole time we were in a relationship rather than being married..

Laura I've had 2 dates with men who have 1 picture and there was no spark at all. If there had been more pictures, I doubt I would have messaged either if them as even a little physical attraction is needed!
Also, ppl have different likes! My ex is not classically handsome, I've had previous boyfriends where my friends couldn't see the attraction and vice versa!

FB came over on Friday night, that was fun but meant I had very little sleep then
I went out last night. Mr Boxer saw me walking through town and sent me a text. Not sure about that but he's 29 or 30 and physically fit, so maybe material for an FWB rather than a relationship, I'm not sure.

Pringle no he's not and is 1cm shorter than me and I'm 5ft4. Plus he has 2 kids and he has them every other weekend, one of which does fall on the 1/4 weekends that my ex has off so has DD. Really not sure how to take that.

All them, what does his OKC profile say, is he more sex-driven, experienced and kinky than average as that may be why he is attracting that sort of talk. But in that case his profile would suggest that he's up for it and would see it as a positive!

Do most women initiate talk about sex when chatting to new irons? Maybe that's where I'm going wrong!

Justme I will check when OKC is working I don't recall him being particularly sex driven/experienced/kinky from the questions, well no more than my usual (I'm caramel maybe!) but did answer 1-2 dates to have sex (I answered 3-5) and that he would have sex on a 1st date.

I haven't talked about sex to any of them! I wouldn't want to until at least date 2 if not 3, but I haven't made it past the 1st date.

Smeaton I never message first (well I think I have once or twice), so I wait for people to message me, someday I will get 3 messages and others none, sometimes I go 3 or 4 days with nothing at all. I don't reply to most messages but mainly because they are 'hi sexy' type messages.

Getting back on online dating..had two relationships from it that didn't go well but hey 3Rd time lucky!
This thread is reminding me how frustrating it can be though! Oh well sure all be lovely eventually lol

Smeaton I don't message first very often, maybe 6/7 times and got replies from 2. That fan be disheartening, so I used to always reply back to messages but got fed up of ppl not accepting what I said! It was the exception that I would get a "thanks for replying" message back, or no response, which was also fine.

I'm new to online dating after my husband died four years ago. I want to set up a profile tomorrow. I was thinking of looking at Tinder and POF to start with. Should I state that I have children in my profile? Or that my husband died? I'm not sure what makes a good profile? Could an ex look me up on a site such as tinder? I want to avoid anyone just after a one night stand or someone who is unavailable, what are the red flags? I'm a complete novice at online dating.

Thanks to everyone who commented on Mr No Photo. Obviously something to hide and whatever it is, don't think I can be bothered to meet up with him to find out.

Smeaton I've been back on OLD for nearly 2 weeks now and don't usually message first but like Lovemusic33 got fed up with the 'hey sexy, hows u' messages. Sent out about 10 on Friday and got 2 back I think.... I guess it depends on many factors. The men I messaged first seem the most 'eligible' and I thought I'd try my luck, haha So, not really expecting a response from most of them. But I have had two nice chats with the men that did reply. I'd say keep messaging people and take it all with a pinch of salt.

Smeaton What kind of messages did you send? I automatically ignore the ones that just say "hi how ru lol" and probably reply to half of the detailed ones.

I ignore half of the detailed messages because even though they're crafted with care, the men sending them really aren't my type physically at all and I feel there's no good way to say that, with silence the kinder option.

Experience has taught me that no matter what they say, men do not like women messaging first. So I rarely do that; I wait to be contacted.

Smeaton I'd probably reply to something like that. It's a little template-y but at least it shows you've bothered to read my profile and you've thought about whether we have anything in common.

I only wouldn't reply if I definitely wasn't attracted to you by your pictures, or if I'd just started chatting to someone else and was stupidly pinning my hopes on that person. Don't be disheartened.