The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

God knows. I've been stood up for a date tonight as the guy is "at the hospital with his sister who is having a baby"
WTF?
Tempted to text back and ask if the baby is his ...

That's disappointing, Nearly. Is this the first time he's stood you up?

No, but I've also had to cancel on him once as well. I think it's not meant to be. I'm not too bothered tbh.

I'm thinking of trying speed dating, as I've been on a few dates where I have thought No as soon as they've walked in the door, then it's been a wasted evening. Has anyone tried it?

LanaDReye - 'Argh once again I am reading this thread and thinking if there are articulate, funny, thoughtful single people (on here), why are there so many emotionally-unavailable, weird or unpleasant singles on OLD?'

Yes! Can we all just meet up, date each other and live happily ever after?

Nearly speed dating sounds good. Was thinking the same earlier but there never seems to be any events near me.

Just a little question, need opinions. Would you date someone who has 6 children? I have always said I would prefer someone with grown up (teens+) or someone without children but have just found out that one of the people I'm chatting too has 6 kids, I'm not sure of their ages but guessing aged 10-20.

I've been messaging 'Mr Got Loads in Common' but he has one grainy photo on his profile. I asked if he has any other photos and he said 'sadly not' wft??? but has suggested meeting... Red flag?

Not necessarily, Laura - I have almost no photos of myself so only one decent one for my profile (I'm told that I'm very attractive) so it doesn't instantly mean that there's some sort of 'issue'.

Laura surely he can take a selfie on his phone? I would say it's a possible red flag, doesn't want to be seen on a old site?

NearlyFree17 Crap excuse on why that guy cancelled! Never tried speed dating but would. Know friends who have been and they said the night was fun.

Lovemusic33 Six kids is a lot but guess it's good to keep an open mind? Although would put me off.

DoIDontIhavethetalk Sorry about the cheating. How did you catch him out?

I always look utterly awful in selfies.

DoIDontIhavethetalk Is the one pic you do have clear? The one he has is really dark, can barely see his face!

Lovemusic33 Yeah, exactly! 'Sadly not' is comical! He doesn't have a single photo he could send me?

So, should I meet him? It would be my first 'date' this time around.

I've only got a few good photos of me, but it's not exactly difficult, everyone's got a camera phone or a web cam or a digital camera, I'd be suspicious of anyone who only had the one.

lovemusic - depends, is it six kids from one mother, or from six? One implies it's someone who loves kids. The other implies someone who loves unprotected casual sex.

I've been speed dating. Once. Never again, it was awkward and repetitive and embarrassing. Although I did end up getting married to someone I met there.

nearlyfree - I've heard worse excuses. If he was meant to be driving her or others to the hospital and she went into labour early, it would be a bit crap of him to drop her because he had a date.

Bant pretty sure all 6 kids are from the same mother, he said he was married for 20 years and has been divorced for 8 ( which is why I'm guessing the youngest child must be around 9-10 years old?
I don't want to ask too many questions, don't want to sound too nosey.

Worst case scenario if you ask questions which make him feel uncomfortable, he disappears, because he's either embarrassed or thinks you're too nosy.

You're not. It's a pretty fundamental question, and you're perfectly entitled to ask those if you're deciding whether to meet him or not.

But if he's been married 20 years, then it's less likely they're by six women. They could still be by two or three (or four) in that time span though.

If you want to know, then ask.

Thanks Bant , you are right and I should ask. At the moment I'm not sure if we will meet, he's one of 2 irons I am talking too, both want to meet me next weekend but I only have time to meet one.

It is clear, yes, Laura

Oh sorry Laura I missed your question earlier.

I'd say if you felt uncomfortable in any way, shape or form, then don't meet. Everyone has different standards and minimum expectations,

For many, I think the ability to use a camera is a fairly minimal expectation, and the empathy to understand that if someone asks for more 'sadly not' is a pathetic reply.

If you want more photos of him ask for more. If he doesn't want to provide them then move on. There are lots of other people who do.

If he won't take another picture he has something to hide. That's my take on it anyway.

Laura you are probably aware, but asking for more photos can go the other way handy if you want to consider the whole package early on . On a serious note, it's a cop out, he obviously thinks he isn't attractive and that his wit will shine through on a date.

I've just written to a few men on pof. One seemed so direct and normal and we chatted about how "looking for a princess line is boring", then he finished with "night babe", doh!

Can I join?! Just gone back OLD. Met someone - had two dates and been messaging/chatting a lot. He seems normal....and is already talking about future things we can do together. I'm just a bit nervous about the inevitable IYKWIM. When do you get to that stage of staying over at his/yours? Also I'm really self-conscious of my body, etc. Just dreading it in one way. Any comments (positive or otherwise)? And how long did it take you?

I all, can I join? I was about to start my own thread but then found this one, and have found reading it very useful.

I've got a confusing situation that I'd really value advice on.

I have a very close male friend - very close. He is one of my main confidants and shares his life with me also, including things that he's told me that he hasn't ever told anyone before. We talk online a lot and I see him incidentally a couple of times a week as well (shared hobby/social circle). I'd say the contact is pretty 50/50 most of the time although it does ebb and flow and there was a time about a month ago I did feel him pull back, but then we because close again as if nothing had happened.

In the last week or so I had really noticed an upswing in contact from him - more messages more often, initiating hanging out, and last week insisting on meeting me in town in evening (I was already there, he said 'are you out? can I join you?') and we ended up having a couple of drinks and a lovely time just us, which had never happened like that before. Afterward swapped some "I enjoyed that" "Me too" messages, and neither of us contacted each other the next day.

Then, I bumped into him on the street two days later, had a short awkward conversation, and I suggested we grab a bite to eat and he said no. He's since sent some nice messages in response to me asking if everything was OK, but the whole thing has left me really confused.

Any advice? It's confusing when it's a friend who already likes you as a person, so it's hard to know if it is in that way. Thing is I don't mind if he doesn't, I just want to know what I'm dealing with here.

Fedup I worry about that too!

Sorry that was so epic!

Namey a tough one, there's a chance he's feeling a bit confused too and maybe a bit scared of ruining your friendship, it's a big step risking a friendship to take things to the next level.

It is confusing, love, which is why I'd never say anything I guess.

Also was thinking about your earlier question re 6 kids ... I don't think it would bother me if I really liked him, but I wonder if it would be a barrier for me getting to know him in the first place?

But then as a mum myself and knowing how many men might not want to be with a woman with kids I am judging myself for that double standard!

Fedup unless you walk around in a box or otherwise hide your shape he will have a good idea of what you would look like with fewer clothes so try not to worry as he sounds keen. He will also have concerns of his own. The time is up to you. You may think you're ready then decide to say no, or may assume that nothing will happen for weeks and change your mind alcohol can do this .

Namey could your shared friends help - do they know how he feels?

Love I would ask about the 6 kids early on. I find 2 can keep me busy and wonder if the 6 all need lots of individual time or if some are already independent (or do group activities). Not a deal breaker necessarily.

I keep wishing I could take bits from all the men I have dated and make one perfect man. Not possible so I'm back on OLD, re-registered on two sites.