The Dating Thread 118. Online and real life dating advice

[Bant]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Well, I had my first "proper" date with POF man yesterday. Lots of chatting and laughs (we have a lot in common) but no spark at all, if that makes sense? No attempt at a kiss and I'm not sure I'm really that bothered as I'm not sure how I'd feel if he tried. Maybe it's just early days but there were no butterflies as the date aproached etc. Perhaps I'm overthinking it; it's been years since I was dating as opposed to in a relationship!

He's not that far away, and I've offered to meet him half way, so yes, I'm struggling to understand how he can't find an hour for a quick coffee. He's got some personal stuff going on, of course I don't know the details. I think I'm probably wasting my time.

what did he say when you offered to meet him halfway? Has the subject of meeting up actually been discussed?

As I said, some people just want someone to chat to. Sometimes they're married, sometimes they don't have self confidence.

If I were you I'd give it one more attempt and then move on. No point flogging a dead horse

Bant He assures me that he does want to meet, but comes up with lots of reasons why he can't, one of his parents is ill, he's busy at work, he's got commitments with his friends, all perfectly valid, but I think underlying this is some nervousness.

It's a shame, I think we have a lot in common and could at least be friends. I don't want to ditch him if in a couple of weeks he's in a better place, but I also don't want to be strung along for another couple of weeks if that's what's happening.

I'm wondering if a phone call might be a step forward, or would that just be weird.

I'm new to this and finding it hard.

I had a hilarious WhatsApp message from Mr "didn't live up to his own hype in the bedroom" (thank goodness it was WA as I'd deleted his number after a week of NC.

General chit chat about life then....
HIM: are you pissed off with me?
ME: No, why should I be?
HIM: Well, I didn't exactly perform at my best last week did I?
ME: Don't worry I'm not traumatised, in fact I'd forgotten all about it

Never have I had a bloke say "sorry I was shit in bed" before..... Haha. Not sure if he's angling for round 2, but I'm keeping my distance.

SweetIcedTea can you ask him to suggest some times he CAN do and try to work with that? If he can't come up with any times then suggest that he get back in touch with you when he can?

Jelly I don't think he would have got back in touch if he wasn't interested.

Sweeticedtea phone calls are great, a good way of seeing if the conversation can flow between you. When I first started dating I found it strange but now I prefer it before meeting. I have even face timed before a first date which gets rid of any nerves.
It's not for everyone but it can be good if you don't mind talking on the phone

minop Might be an idea then.

Yep. It's been a very long discussion before meeting, and usually those end up in disappointment from one side or the other because you'll have built up a mental image of someone in your head, and when you meet them there is huge cognitive dissonance and it's just.. uncomfortable. Whereas if you'd met them earlier it could have worked.

I'd go for a phone call or FaceTime. The more he puts it off, the more suspicious I'd be.

You don't even know if he is who he says he is. He could be a sixty year old taxi driver from the outer Hebrides.

Rule 4 is that you can't believe what people say until you've met them, and they've followed through on their promises. He could be married. He could be a catfish. He could be using fake photos.

If you want to meet, push to meet, or at least call.

But to be honest if he's not into you enough by now to be actively trying to meet you, after all this time, I'd be tempted to shrug and walk away.

Bant He's basically suggesting I'm expecting things to move too fast, it's helpful to have it confirmed that I'm not.

He can't meet for at least another week and a half, so we'll be at 5 weeks and even then he won't commit to actually arranging a date in case he can't make it. So I think it's time to call it a day.

it's not moving too fast to expect to meet someone within a month of first contacting them on OLD. Normally it's within a week or two.

If he's only able to meet you after 5 or 6 weeks, how would you expect this to work out long term? Would you wait a month for a second date? After a year you wouldn't even have met any friends or family.

This bloke may be lovely, but if he's not on the same level as you, then it's time to call it a day and move on. Maybe he'll have a chance to meet someone to grow old with - and fitting in three or four dates during that time. You, in the meantime, can find someone else who's more into you, and works to the same expectations.

He's being unreasonable here. And his saying that you're expecting things to move too fast is very unreasonable of him - and a bit passive aggressive, to be honest.

Bant He's already indicated he doesn't date much, you can see why. I'm don't want to rush headlong into anything serious, but I was expecting to at least have a couple of dates, you can't even have a ONS without meeting !!!

sweeticedtea I'd be moving on if it were me, it's too much time to invest in sometime who may not float your boat in person. I'm inclined to think of they really want to meet they'll make it happen. I think within the first couple of weeks is ideal for sure.

Signing in properly now not throwing myself at dating apps just yet but keeping abreast.

Men who are avoidant about meeting up are hard work and not worth bothering with!

Sweet iced tea he's married or with someone in my honest opinion n wants an ego boost nothing more

Well, at least I've stopped wondering.

The history is there, the chemistry is there, but so is the girlfriend. We've agreed to be friends. We were both chasing the impossible.

Why is it that I am the type of unavailable men?

I think I'm over dating, full stop. There is no one in my age bracket who is both available and not an idiot.

I really wanted this guy to be someone he's not. So many times in the last year I've put myself out there and the crushing realisation that I'm not enough is no less crushing every time.

I don't think I can keep going with this. I'm not even sure I want to. Dating isn't fun anymore.

Pringle sorry to hear that. Sometimes a break is needed. Maybe focus on doing other stuff that makes you happy for a bit?

There is a horrible pattern emerging of men liking me but not quite as much as someone else. I always get left for someone or not chosen over someone - I feel like I must be doing something to attract the wrong men.

At least I didn't do anything stupid and I wasn't the OW. I don't know his girlfriend and I'm single but I know what it's like to be cheated on and I couldn't do that to someone else. Even if I really, really, wanted to.

I hate doing the right thing.

Sorry pringle I'm sure it's not you, maybe take a break for a while?

This week has been quite for me, Mr Surfer messages me every day but it's pretty boring (which is a shame as he's very atractive), I think by the time he gets back from working away we won't be chatting anymore. I'm now working this weekend, I figured that chances of me getting a date is slim so I offered to work. Last night I changed my age range on POF from 30-44 to 34-47, this morning I had a message from a 46 year old, he is local and seems normal, we exchanged a few messages and might chat later. Summer holidays are getting closer and it's almost impossible for me to go on dates as I won't have child care (as will need childcare whilst I'm working, no ones going to want to do any extra so I can date), I think I will hide my account for the summer holidays and just enjoy time with the dc's.

hi pringle

been watching the dating thread for awhile,why did he ask to meet you?

so he is still in a relationship then?

seasidesally I have no bloody idea! :( He's still in a relationship and I don't even think it's a particularly unhappy one where he's likely to leave anytime soon. I don't think he knows what he wants, but I'm fairly sure he doesn't want to leave her, so that's the end of that. There's nothing to discuss if he's attached.

Kinda feel sorry for her, TBH...

pringle - sorry, that's shit.

I think it's quite common that when you meet someone through OLD, they still remember the sweetshop of all those other attractive faces, so keep going back to it.

Or they met their other half in real life and are just looking for a bit on the side. Branch-swingers, who need to have another relationship to jump to rather than risk being single for a while.

It's shit when you meet that type of person.

As far as meeting people you like who like someone else more, well that's dating, isn't it. Most new potential relationships fail, otherwise we'd all still be married and would have been since we were teenagers.

It's just difficult to go through it again once we thought we were settled down for life, in the case of most of us on here.

Remember rule 8 though. If it's not fun, stop. At least for a while.

Pringle he sounds like he's a bit of a player, I have several male friends who think they can have their cake and eat it. Just think yourself lucky that your not the one that's in a relationship with him.